ANTICIPATING FATHER'S DAY - UPDATE ON PARTNER'S SITUATION WITH HIS BK'S (2SS & 2SD - 21-33 YO)
Life has been unfolding as my partner predicted. He filed for uncontested divorce. All his BK's have moved out of the matrimonial home (ie. 2 SS's a few years ago and 2 SD's earlier this year) and it has been sold.
I met both SS's within the last year and they were polite and respectful. Their spouses were very pleasant as well.
SD's still are not ready to meet me even though I have been with my partner for over five years and he has been separated for over 15 years, and I doubt they ever will. After reading about the terrible drama that others in my position have gone through, this appears to be a good thing.
My partner has now moved into my house and gets along famously with my three youngest children (BS's 19, 21, and 24). In fact, they feel more comfortable discussing personal issues with him than their own biological father (who happens to share many characteristics with a covert narcissist). My partner is a good listener and non-judgemental. They feel safe with him.
He has an excellent relationship with both of his sons. Either he or they call once a week, and he regularly gets together with the one who lives 50 miles away. The other is 2,000 miles away and they get together each time he is in town.
However, my partner is heart-broken that his daughters have written him off. He texts and calls them, and they rarely reply to his texts and never pick up the phone to speak to him. He is not pushy at all and just tells them he is thinking of them and that he loves them. He had tried to arrange meetings pre-covid but that never materialized.
His youngest BD is engaged to be married to her boyfriend of over five years and has adopted his family as her own, effectively abandoning her biological father and now, to a certain extent, her biological mother. His oldest BD has gotten married pre-covid and is "too busy" to meet or speak with her father, but she does eventually reply to her father's texts unlike her sister who ignores them.
These are the same daughters who told my partner a mere five years ago how lucky they were to have him as their father, and gave him the most loving birthday and father's day cards. I don't understand how such an empathetic, kind, non-judgemental, and loving man can be rejected by his daughters.
My heart breaks for him although I myself no longer want anything to do with them. What is bittersweet is how loving my sons behave with him and how loving his own sons behave with him, in contrast to his own daughters who barely give him the time of day.
I thought I would have a problem with my sons as they were raised by their covert narcissistic father who was their primary care giver from age one to their teen years while I worked 2 or 3 jobs to pay for all the household bills. However, all five of us (my partner and my three youngest sons) have a harmonious household. My eldest son doesn't live with us, but he is also cordial.
I know it's really none of my business, but why are his daughters rejecting a decent man? And what can I tell myself so that his daughters' treatment of him no longer bothers me? Is there anything else he can do to regain the bond he once had with them?
He keeps this to himself and rarely speaks about them, but I can see how much their behaviour hurts him. Otherwise, everything else is absolutely wonderful; I should be grateful.
Loyalty
Daughters will usually be loyal to their mother. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not. If the daugthers have blocked you, they are establishing their boundaries and I would respect that. They must be hurting and/or angry. It could be something that BM has told them that may or may not be true. When my parents divorced - after a long and terrible marriage - I was loyal to my mother, while my brother aligned with my dad. She is bipolar and went off the deep in and ended up hospitalized. She told me things that I believed at the time that were not true about dad. I think this make take some time, based on my experience, to work out. My dad remarried within a year and my mother was devastated, even though she was the one who filed for divorce. She thought I was betraying her by getting to know my dad's wife, even though the woman had nothing to do with the divorce. The mind is a funny thing!
That makes perfect sense,
That makes perfect sense, Diver. During the last few years of my mother's life, I also aligned myself with my mother against my father. Growing up, I believed everything my mother said about my father, even as early as at three years of age.
After she passed away when I was 18, only then I started to get better acquainted my father. Sadly, he passed away not too long after after marrying his third wife who continuously disparaged the manner in which I was raised because it did not match "her way".
Only after meeting my partner did I realize what a wonderful man my father was. He was much like my current partner (kind, loving, non-judgemental, laid-back, and easy-going).
Because of the light in which my mother painted my father, I did not value the good qualities which my father had and truly regret this previous mindset.
I just hope that my partner's daughters truly appreciate him before it is too late, unlike me.
This is a great explanation
This is a great explanation of some of the dynamics.
For OP... I know it must be difficult to see your DH hurting over his daughter's estrangement. The bottom line is that this is something that only he will be able to navigate. His daughters don't know you so in reality.. while they may be blocking you..it's likely not really all that personal.. but neither is it really a great time to try and insert yourself.. the risk of making an error with them is much greater and they aren't likely to be open to anything you would have to say anyway.
So, if he vents or cries on your shoulder. you can tell him you know it must be hard and maybe one day his girls will realize he wasn't the villian in this situation.
A lot of times kids... they think their parents are selfish for divorcing.. for leaving the other parent.. for "breaking up the family". It's usually when they are young and idealistic and they don't have any real experience with mature adult relationships and the fact that it isn't just all that easy to maintain a partnership when things become broken or toxic. My OSD is realizing that now. She hated her parents for splitting up.. but now, she is in a difficult marriage.. so I think she is now seeing that it isn't all that easy to keep things together.
Well said, ESMOD. His
Well said, ESMOD. His daughters don't know me at all. You could substitute another woman for me and they would behave the same way.
Before my partner met me, they were open to meeting his current girlfriend but that has now changed. They never ended up meeting, as it turned out.
My partner is very stoic and doesn't vent or cry, but I can tell it bothers him. He just gets quiet sometimes when he is thinking about his daughters.
He doesn't really know much about what they are doing besides what his sons tell him. His daughters have a good relationship with their brothers and regularly have travelled the 2,000 miles and 50 miles to visit them. All the while, my partner lives 10 miles away and has not yet seen their apartments.
I'm glad to hear that your OSD is finally understanding what her parents went through and empathizing somewhat. I can only hope that my partner's daughters will eventually gain that kind of insight.
Perhaps in time, their
Perhaps in time, their brother's will rub off on them.. let them know how ridiculous it is to punish their dad.. and a woman they don't even know.. over issues in a relationship that they honestly probably didn't know the full truth about.
You nailed it, ESMOD. At
You nailed it, ESMOD.
At first the two sons were hesitant about meeting me as they felt that it would be disloyal to their mother, a belief still held by their sisters. All four children felt badly for BM as she wants no man other than my partner, so she is alone and he is with me.
However, his sons' love coupled with their life experience (their significant other was not their first partner unlike their sisters) enabled them to realize how silly it would be to damage their relationship with their father over something long in the past.
They are close to their sisters, so hopefully the two sons will start to influence the two daughters rather than the other way around.
Leave it
As much as this hurts your SO, its his issue with the disrespectful SD's, not yours. I know we often like to fix for our SO's and make it better. Except you are dealing with the unreasonable.
What can he do? Sit back let them come to him. He has tried. They showed him if he chooses to move on then he isnt that wonderful. Toxic thinking. They are adults, its not like they are 10 and have no choice in the matter.
Obviously this crew is toxic. Be glad that they dont come around you, it lets you have peace.
That is so true, Stepdrama.
That is so true, Stepdrama. You've hit the nail on the head.
My partner is a firm believer in "everything in its time".
While I was concerned that the oldest daughter moved back into the matrimonial home with her new husband and would never leave, my partner was unconcerned. She eventually moved out 3-4 months ago, although it is still a secret. Shsh!
While I was concerned that BM would put up roadblocks to selling the matrimonial home as my NEX did, that was not the case. My partner was unconcerned, and the house just recently sold.
He believes that his daughters will probably come around in time, although he isn't holding his breath. Every day, my partner appreciates the here and now and is grateful for the positive things in his life.
He's teaching me to be more like that too, but it's a long process. Let me close by saying that one thing for which I am grateful is the fact that there is no "stepdrama" with his daughters as there is absolutely no interaction.
They are adults, its not like
Exactly. But the more important question is why can't he accept the fact that they don't want a relationship with him? It's not written in stone anywhere that parents have a right to be in the life of their adult kids. Original poster, you have been with him several years so what has HE done to get over the fact his adult daughters don't want a relationship with him? Has he tried therapy? If not, why not? It's not like the world will end if they aren't apart of the family you two are creating. Sheesh! You two are probably 50+ years old right? Life is short so enjoy it, and try to dismiss the toxicity.
Movingonisbest, while your
Movingonisbest, while your advice is somewhat harsh and blunt, you have made some valid points.
Nevertheless, I am not sure if you read some of my other posts, but I no longer want his daughters to be a part of my life.
However, I believe that both my partner and his daughters are missing out by not being in each others' lives, and he does too.
I see what his sons and my sons bring to our lives and what we bring to theirs. This is bittersweet in itself.
It's easier said than done and that's the reason I wrote on this forum--for strength and help in dealing with the situation.
Ditto
Ditto
However, I believe that both
What exactly is he missing out on when they make no effort to have a relationship with him and one of them even excluded you from her wedding? Everyone else can bring their partner, but not dear old dad? Your SDs sound immature and callous to me. If they truly loved their dad they would want him to be happy, even if it isn't with their bm. Not trying to be harsh or anything but them trying to control him isn't love. The sooner he understands and accepts that, the better. If I were you I would recommend counseling for him. Let him work on this issue with a counselor and you just be a support for him.
Thanks, Movingonisbest. I
Thanks, Movingonisbest. I think a counsellor is a good idea. He's been suffering in silence and it can't be healthy.
The reason that I was neither invited to the wedding nor met socially is because both of my partner's daughters felt they would be disloyal to their mother if either of those two events happened.
The SDs are exactly like their manipulative mother who plays the victim and garners pity from her children. While the youngest SD stated she wasn't ready to meet me as she couldn't give me a fair shake due to her mother's animosity against me, the eldest SD threw a temper tantrum when my partner asked each one individually if they would like to have lunch together with my partner and I. This was after we had been dating for 2-3 years.
The SSs stated to their father that they felt guilty meeting me when their mother had no special man in her life; however, they would soon be ready to meet me, which they did. I met the eldest SS first and then the youngest SS and his spouse (who is a real sweetheart) on another occasion. They also later told their father that they loved him and if he was happy with me and I made their father happy, that was good enough for them.
I would like to be my partner's support, but not get involved further. Thanks for your feedback.
Ditto
Ditto
I'm not sure you reaching out
I'm not sure you reaching out is a good idea. They may widen the gulf because of what they will see as your involvement, manipulation or whatever else they decide to call it.
I totally agree with you,
I totally agree with you, AgedOut. There is no basis upon which I could reach out as these young women are total strangers to me. If I saw them on the street, I most likely would ignore them.
To get involved in their relationship with their father would be putting my nose in where it doesn't belong. It's just that I wish there was something I could do to eliminate his hurt.
Their father tries his best to reach out and I believe that's all he can do. He left the family home when these young women were 6 and 10. Although he visited them every weekend, I believe they felt abandoned.
From what I know of them and BM, they operate on grudge-carrying and spiteful behaviour. So, I also believe that they are giving my partner a taste of his own medicine.
I wish that they would try to walk in his shoes or at least express to him how the separation and divorce are making them feel. They seem to idolize intact families to which they are now married/engaged. Only time will tell.
Definitely up to your husband
as to how he handles this. I don't think you reaching out to the daughters on his behalf is a good idea. I wonder if his texts/messages to say "hi, thinking about" are a bit of chasing. Maybe they like to see him chase them. I wonder if he stopped what would happen. Would they eventually find a reason to reach out?
That's an interesting
That's an interesting perspective, Hesitant to try. It's worth looking into and I will mention it to him.
From what I know of my partner's daughters, I wouldn't be surprised if they like to be chased.
Ill behaved assholes will
Ill behaved assholes will always bother you. After all, they are ill behaved assholes.
Focus on your relationship with your DH and the life you are making together. Engage with those who are positive and contribute to your lives, As for the ill behaved asshoes, write them off and put them in the good riddance pile.
Your SO may never be okay with how his relationships with his daughters has turned out. The only thing either of you can do is engage in the best life you can make together, foster relationships with his sons and your kids, and get on with life.
Very wise words, Rags. I will
Very wise words, Rags. I will try to put it out of my mind and get on with life. Thanks for your input.