Babysitter/Daycare or Grandparent
My husband and I have been married 12 yrs now - between us, we have 5 grown children and 11 living grandchildren. About 6 yrs ago my husband suffered a massive stroke & I am very lucky that he survived & regained some mobility. I haven't been asked over the past several years to babysit because obviously I am a full time caregiver. I believe now that this one child in particular is pre teen but not very mature for her age. My requests for babsitting has increased significantly over the past 6 mths - I don't have a problem with the babsitting what I am having a problem with is the timing of these requests. I will receive a call around 7:15 am on Saturday morning asking if I can watch the granddaughter that day and then she is usually dropped of with 10 min of the phone call. Then I have her anywhere from 12 to 14 hrs - I have received a phone call during the school year at 2:15 to pick her up from school at 2:45 and then he picks her up around 8:30 to 9:00 pm - short notice calls are becoming more frequent - this past Thursday I was ask if I would/could watch for Saturday - obviously I said yes - except this time - a no show and no call to inform me that she would not be with us that day. This was my last straw - I find this terribly inconsiderate & very rude - a huge FU to me & my time. At my whits end with this and am struggling on how to handle this situation. I believe my husband is aware & is also struggling but I don't dare say anything to him for fear of increasing that BP or causing a rift between him & his son then something happening - I would never forgive myself but also don't feel like I deserve to be disrepected either. I have dropped several strong hints that a better schedule needs to be put into place & more advance notice needs to be given but to no avail - and if I do him like he is doing me & say I will pick up & then don't how does that make me look & how will that make the grandaughter feel....stuck between rock & hard place
What is there to struggle
What is there to struggle with? No! KISS.
No solves the problem. No keeps is stupid simple.
Stop being the spawn dump beck and call girl for your GKs and GSkids.
The breeders are showing you who they are. Believe them. Do not let their breeder status as the progenators of the GKs/GSkids blind you to who they are. Guage them by their actions and do not be fooled by their words.
Stop overthinking.
NO!
End of problem.
IMHO, GPs have no duty to be daycare for their GKs. You did not breed the youngest gen spawn. Their parents did. Hold their parents accountable for their care, feeding, etc.....
Your role and DH's role is to be whatever you choose to be as GPs. Beck and call childcare should not be what anyone wants to be as a GP. IMHO. Nor should they tolerate their own spawn or StepSpawn who dump their own spawn on the GPs.
Stop overthinking. Just say no. Period. Dot.
When you want your GKs, call the parents and tell them. If they say no, so be it.
I appreciate your comment -
I appreciate your comment - if this were one of my kids that single word "NO" would be coming off my lips so fast - not really sure why I struggle with this with his kids - I think his health has alot to do with it - but then I realize that if they cared as much as I do about their father - this wouldn't be an issue - thank you!!!!
You are very generous
You are very generpus to do babysitting while also caring for ypur recovering husband! Thats a lot!
I'm assuming it's your stepson who is being inconsiderate and I'm also assuming he's a single parent, you don't mention the child"s mother. Let's put the best spin on it and say he"s young and doesnt understand how this impacts you.
I'd talk to him, something like, "Bob, you know I love watching Jenny and I'm glsd I can help you. But, you know with Dad recovering, we have to watch our schedule. We have to have our meals at a certain time, his medicine right on schedule (add details) and, of course, more of the work around here is on me now. Its a lot! I know you want to do whatever you can to help us. Can you plan to give me a day's notice when you want me to watch Jenny? (add whatever other boundaries). That will help me and help Dad. Thanks so much, I'd really appreciate it"
In other words, appeal to his desire to help you help his dad. Let's hope he's responsive. I have to admit that as a young mom, I wasn't very considerate of my poor ex-MIL but if she'd explained and asked for my cooprration, I'd have done it. Maybe he's just young and dumb like I was. Lol.
Spot On
You are absolutely correct - this is my stepson, he is a single parent but he is NOT young he is 41 yrs old...I have spoke with him but obviously he is oblivious - I am going to use a more direct approach & use more of a stern tone hopefully that will work - I struggle with this relationship enough as it is - he lives less than 2 miles from us & the only time he sees his Dad is to drop off or pick up his child - no just come over to visit Dad & I really struggle with this - I lost my Dad at or right before his age & I miss him terribly - not so sure that feeling will be mutual when the time comes - I am going to have to use the I am the caretaker & that is my role & responsibility and NOT the daycare - once again thank you for your comment - I am glad I found this site someone outside that can help
Your tone will make no
Your tone will make no difference. Just say NO. So he's a single father? Where is the child's mother? Aren't her parents dying to spend time with their grandchild? Either way, if you don't say no to being a open-all-hours drop-off childminding service nothing will ever change . No matter how sternly you talk to him.
Thank you for the response.
Thank you for the response. Yes he is a single father...Mother lives out of State (lives with her Mother & her other 2 children) - the only other relatives that are close are her Great Grandmother (who actually raised the child's Mother) - she is not healthy and now has limited time to spend - and I am getting the point driven well - I always thought by me saying "NO" it would alienate - well - if I don't then it is only going to get worse - I really appreciatee your input - helping me to see the path to my next steps
NO …is a complete sentence
You are not the Number one babysitter . SS disrespect you, he screwed up your day. Being a ass ho. He could of called or texted. Thanking you and something came up and you did not have to BS . Time to teach him some respect
Thank you! I often wonder
Thank you! I often wonder what would happen in the event - I said - Yes I would pick her up then not show up....I can only imagine
Tell him that you are happy to help, but moving forward you will
Tell him that you are happy to help, but moving forward you will need 24 hours notice. It is terrible that he lives so close and never spends time with his Dad. Do you ever get a break from caregiving?
Thank you for your comment -
Thank you for your comment - very good idea to a path moving forward - and no - I am and have always been the caregiver - I left him alone with his Dad one time - and will never do it again. It amazes me the lack of compassion this generation has for a parent. Except of course when it comes to monetary means
I always thought by me saying
I always thought by me saying "NO" it would alienate
Alianate? He only comes around when he needs to drop off or pick up his kid, he's already alienated himself.
Enforce your boundaries. He shows no respect for you or his father, yet expects you to be at his beck and call. Just NO.
THIS! ^
THIS! ^
pre teen
Find some age appropriate chores for her to do. You'll probably have to teach her how at first. She'll either learn and become a help. Or she won't want to come anymore. Either way you win.
My mom never had a problem
My mom never had a problem telling me or my brother no when asked to babysit. She rarely said no but did at times. If she needed help around the house, carrying groceries, walking the dog, etc, she had no problem putting any kids to work. I say this in past tense because my kids are teens and can stay home by themselves. You get what I'm saying though. If he gets his nose out of joint because you say no, that's his problem. He isn't helping with his dad and only comes around when he wants something. So, really, what are you losing here if you say no?
Back when I used to have a
Back when I used to have a problem saying no, I found easing into it with, "Oh, sorry....no" helped me get used to it. Or, "Oh, sorry, no, I can't." Eventually, I was able to and confident about saying, "No." SS is taking advantage and being rude. I agree that he needs to be told that you need more notice, that your plate is pretty full anyway, and it's too much for/on you. Isn't it a terrible tight rope too many of us feel we are walking if we dare not to bend to the whims and wishes of poor little step children?
Good luck.
I've walked this tight rope
I've walked this tight rope more in the past 6 yrs since my husband's stroke than I have my entire life - and I am just now beginning to see and realize that the tight rope I was walking was actually for hope - hope that his kids would finally find the value of their Dad and break free from their narcissistic, delushional and unreliable ways - but if I am being honest with myself - if almost loosing their Dad didn't break them free and make them realize - I don't know what would
Hope-ium is a powerful drug.
Hope-ium is a powerful drug. Sadly, with people like this, it has little to no medicinal value and does not even give anyone a high. Basically, a waste. Period. Dot.
When people show and tell you who they are, believe them.
When we categorize people by their actions we will never be fooled by their words.
These are all detox and rehab for the long Hope-ium addiction that so many SParents are hooked on.
Take care of you.
Amen
Thank you for this! You are absolutely correct!
Start saying NO to the last
Start saying NO to the last minute requests...
"oh.. Sorry no.. I can't today.." full stop... no need for explanation..
If you want to say more.. "Sorry, NO,, I can't today.. I have plans.. I wish you had let me know earlier.. "
I'm guessing his single parenthood makes it a bit tougher in that all the responsibility is on him.. but that doesn't mean he can't give you more heads up.
Practice in front of a mirror
And you will get more and more comfortable.
The upside is that the grand is hopefully building a close bond with gramps. Its good for your DH to have that youthful energy, even though you are the one that is doing all the work.
It has been sad for me to see Husband treated like an ATM, but I have to remind myself he created and allowed this to happen.
Add to that the mother Toxic Troll has been very very Toxic.
NOPE
NOPE
If you can not say no,
Do not answer the call.
It is OK to not be a babysitter.
Next time he calls and asks
Next time he calls and asks you to babysit, turn it around on him. "Sorry, I'm not able to help out today (or whenever he asked for), but while I have you on the phone, I could use your help with your dad. Do you have a 3-4 hour stretch when you can help me this week? Any day would be helpful." Do that the next few times he asks and he might get the message (or at least stop calling you to babysit). Don't worry about his relationship with your DH - it doesn't sound like there's much of one to damage.
This!!!!!!
I have wanted to do this so many times!!!!!
I think you can even be more
I think you can even be more explicit about it. Say, I am happy (with sufficent notice) to watch your kid on occasion if it fits with my schedule - but I really need your help in return. I need someone to mow the lawn/fix the sink/ get the groceries/ take your dad to his physical therapy ect... When do you think you could come over and help in the next couple of weeks?
Excellent!
I love this approach!
He needs to broaden his
He needs to broaden his circle of help. What happens when his dad is gone and you are alone? Will he help you out or dump you and walk away from you? We all know the the answer. He needs to find his own solution to his child care problem now. Not later.
Absolutely Agree!
Agree 100%. Thank you for responding...It amazes me that this Generation of kids finds it so easy to discard their parents - when my Dad got sick & was diagnosed with terminal Cancer - I was at every Doctor's appointment & all but 2 Chemo appointments - took care of setting up a system for his meds & visited him daily - spent all of my weekends with him. I knew more about my Dad's health & medical issues than I did my own. I like to think that at some point after his Dad is gone that their will be some regret on his part about missing out on so much. My heart thinks that anyway but my head tells me different. But our relationship will end at that point. I will attempt to stay in contact with our granddaughter and I do consider her mine even though their is no blood relation - I have 4 living & 1 heavenly grandchild through my husband each very special to me & sadly the only one I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will continue to have contact with lives out of state - road trips!!!!
Very Sad
I love the suggestion of you asking for some reciprocity. It might bring them closer to your DH and you also!
Husband over her, while not very dear right now, it does make me a LITTLE sad, until I remember what a complete TURD the eldest SD25 Feral Forger is.
I'm a nana.
I am not willing to perform childcare for someone who treats me just as their dad's wife. I have many passions and accomplishments outside of being a "Mrs." and I long to be seen the way others in my life see me...as an individual. For now, I will be "nana", not "nanny".