Confused Reading Posts from People who are SM and Adult Steps
I have been reading quite a few posts from members who are both SMs and also adult SDs and I have to say I am confused. It sometimes seems that the very things that my stepadults complain about are the very same things that many SM/SD's on here also say about their own SMs.
For example, my SD 35 is upset that "I have control in my own household" - and a SM/SD on here commented the very same thing about her own SM as though that was a bad thing??????
I have really tried but I simply can not understand why I would not be expected to have control over my own children and my home??? I don't try to control the stepadults home? I mean whatever works in my and my H's relationship and household including the division of "control" over household issues is really no ones business but our own isnt it???
It also seems to me that we all almost unanamously want our adult steps to stay out of our relationships with our SOs.
I would not let my bios interfere in my relationship with thier own Dad - why do adult steps think they have the right to do so and why do we as a group support them staying out until or unless one of us is the step?
This same question applies to what I have been reading on here from some SM/SDs that their SM's "control" their fathers??? Can anyone really do that absent physical force? As adults don't we all pretty much do what we want to do? Aren't we all responsible for our own actions? If Dear old Dad messes up or makes a bad choice isn't it REALLY his responsiblity - not SMs or even Skids??? I know if someone told me not to call or see my children or expected me to endanger myself to meet their demands I would tell them to to hit the street. If a biodad allows these types of things to happen isn't he really the one to blame, the one chosing to do these things - not SM?
I hope you can see why I am confused because I was also recently accused of "controlling" my H by my SD 35. SD accused me of this telling me that I kept him from calling or seeing her. H walked by me during this conversation so I asked him to get on the phone to reply to these accusations. His reply to SD 35 was that LTSM in fact encouraged and reminded him to call and see SD 35 - that I did not and had never prevented or encouraged him not to contact her. Of course SD 35 does not want to believe this....even with H telling her so.
The reality in my case is that my H dreads calling SD 35 now because of all the crap she said and did over the years. It really has nothing to do with me.
It ALWAYS seems to be so easy to place the blame on the SM and not Dad where most of the blame belongs?
I know emotionally that it is easier to blame the third wheel- the "non- family member" - than believe that dear old Dad would not (fill in the blank) of his own accord because of (pick one - selfishness, laziness, lack of time, afraid of stepkids reactions etc etc etc.......
Please don't attack me for voicing this - it just seems as though previous Skids all feel the same about their SMs even if they themselves are SMs and have expereinced the frustrations and disappointments that go along with being a SM.
It just seems as though every thing a SM does is magnified in a stepchilds mind into something evil when abused children have much worse happen to them daily anf these children most often overlook this abuse when it was done by a blood parent.
As no one is perfect can any SM ever expect her steps to ever overlook whatever it is they feel that she did wrong. I mean some of these supposed SM transgressions are SSSSOOO Bizarre! I know I myself was told that the worst example they could come up with was that their father told them to tell me goodbye when they left my home after their EOWE visit!!!!!!
If this was a SM transgression on my part - did I EVER REALLY have a chance????
Terribly Confused.
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the individuals involved. My late SM did control my dad, BUT, as you pointed out, *HE* allowed it. I recognized this early on. I hated my SM, but I have much more valid reasons than daddy made me tell her good bye. If this is all the ammo your SD has, she's delusional.
Longtime you have a good
Longtime you have a good point. Sounds like a double standard to me and it IS confusing. It's OK to hate the SM, then whine because THIER Skids are treating them like crap. I agree not all SM's are sweetie pies but for too long SMs have been getting a bad rap and taking responsibility for sins they did not commit. I am sure SD36 still looks upon me as an ogre but I have done absolutely nothing to cause her to feel this way about me - other than to marry her Father.
This is very interesting. I
This is very interesting. I do not have a sm my dh does though. However she did not raise her own kids and his dad only seen them eow.
Anyway I agree that every adult has a choice and if they choose to be with a woman and continue with life as it is that is their choice.
I have seen some of it myself. However I can tell you that I think some kids and adults NEVER EVER will accept ANYONE being in their dad's life. I recently ran into an exbf son that is now 20 and he HATES his step mom said she is a bitch and wants her gone. I looked at him and said you got your wish with me. He said well you were a bitch to me too. I told him that it didn't matter who his dad was with that she would also be the bitch in his eyes ad he couldn't believe I would say that and he just left.
By being the bitch he means that someone else will have his dad attention other than him. I did not enforce rules and I never tried to be their mom. He even told me one time that I was not his mom, I looked at him and said that is right I;m not but you are in my house and in my house you will go to bed now. So i want he bitch! Discalmer: this was one night when his dad had to work late and he asked me to put them to bed. He knew that too.
As a step daughter, it is
As a step daughter, it is hard for me to see someone come in and take control of things that I have always seen my dad handle. It take some getting used to, because before I figured out how to accept it, I always felt like she was taking over what should be my father's responsibility.
I feel it's generally impossible for most SMs to understand or even imagine what it could be like to watch someone else come into the home that was theirs before it was hers.
Also, as a step daughter it IS possible for someone to manipulate someone, and have control over them but only if the other person is completely oblivious, as one is often when in love. One of my dad's ex-girlfriends would go into the bedroom with him and have him stay in there until someone was ready to cook dinner. She complained constantly about how my sister and I didn't want family time. She said we were ungrateful for never thanking her for stuff that we never even asked for us to do. She would purposely insight fights between us and my dad. It was like she enjoyed the drama. He finally kicked her out for lying about him. Took long enough, and almost ripped us apart.
Once your kids are grown you
Once your kids are grown you are expected to move forward with your life, not continue living off your parents forever on their dime, which is what most of the people in this part of the forums are complaining about (remember this part of the forums is about ADULT skids). When someone is 30 years old and still living with mom or dad, it is no longer YOUR home and if you're still living there then that's YOUR problem if you don't like how things are being run. Move out and grow up! Simple as that! If you, as an able-bodied adult don't like someone living with one of your parents, or the rules that are in place in THEIR home, then LEAVE. It is NOT your decision to make whether or not a step parent is living with your birth parent. As an adult, you have a choice and so do your parents and they DO NOT need your approval to live the way they want to live.
I certainly understand what
I certainly understand what you are saying here about a new SM moving into what was or used to be the Schild's home and how a schild would feel in that instance but in my case the steps were visiting MY homes.
I owned the houses and still own the current home - not bio dad -and they NEVER LIVED in them. The fact that I own the property seems to enrage my stepadults the most (they only found this out a few years ago - hence the final split). They seem to overlook the fact that I also pay the bills on said home as if that is of no consequence. :?
Please try not to take it
Please try not to take it personally. Not all step kids are this way, but some are, and unfortunately yours are. It's not about you, its them. Anybody married to their dad is an outsider and not welcome.
If your husband doesn't enjoy being around them that says a lot about who they are as people.
Don't expect anything from them and don't give more than you have. Understand that every nice thing you do for them may never be appreciated or acknowledged.
You don't owe them anything.
Be nice and respectful this is enough to gain their trust if they are willing. If they are not your conscience is clear.
Madamx28 nailed it. Many
Madamx28 nailed it. Many adults steps are still living at home, barely making a contribution, but want to run the household. If they don't like what's taking place in the household between two consenting adults, it's time for them to move out. Adults need to lead their own lives.
My SD (27) just recently moved out after finally realizing one important fact, "DH and I run this house." When she recently came for a visit, she was shocked and commented that we'd already made alot of changes since she'd left. The problem is DH allowed SD to control the house for so long, that she didn't realizes that when the dynamics changed, the power would shift. I think she's learned that at this point.
I'm a SD and SM. I think it
I'm a SD and SM.
I think it has more to do with our inability to see our own faults. We are busy pointing fingers at our step kids we don't see the 3 fingers pointing back at us.
There are things that bug me about my BM and about my SM. Every family relationship includes this dynamic and especially if the SM and SD/SS are around each other a minimal amount of time they don't have time to get to know each other and how to handle our own quirky ways.
I would say my SM was jealous of me and believed the worst in me and until we just talked about it our relationship was needlessly strained. It was never awful just strained sometimes.
I also had to learn what really ticked her off. At times in my adult life, I would ask to borrow some money and both of them (SM & BD) would be in the room. My SM would storm off and not talk to me for awhile. I learned that if I needed something I had to come to her privately, without Dad, and ask her. I would usually get what I wanted and she'd feel more respect.
She had to tell me when I offended her and I had to learn how to show her I respected her in a way that meant something to her. We have a great relationship and I love her very much. But she can be very quirky and it takes time and being around somebody and an effort and desire and respect for someone to develop a strong bond.
A lot of people have no desire to even try and that is just sad to me.
And as a side note, I would complain to my BM about my SM sometimes and my BM always always defended her and usually reminded me that I know who my SM is and she's quirky this way and that it shouldn't bother me and remind me of the good person she is.
Asheeha - thanks for your
Asheeha - thanks for your post. I found the honesty very helpful. I agree with another poster however, that the difference in your situation was very likey the attitude of your BM. I am so gald to see that you and your SM have developed a decent realtionship.
In my case, my stepadult's BM is still looking for reasons to manipulate, enrage and encite her adult spawn! For example, she just happened to scour a birthday card we sent to SS 36 and then REMIND him that we signed it WRONG and not in accordance with the LAWS OF BM! This reminder of course was designed to whip SS 36 "not the sharpest tool in the shed" up into a frenzy against us which it did!
The results were sad but hilariuos! I suppose I should I mention that H has been divorced from this woman over 29 years and that the BM is over 60!!!!! BM 60 has stepadults so brainwashed that they now beleive that she NEVER said anything against us during all of those years - why do they think this - because she said so of course! I quess they don't think I remember all of those times when they came to my house and told me all of the ugly stuff she said when they were growing up!
Asheena that is the
Asheena that is the difference is that your bm was a good bm that understood that your sm wasn't mean but a different person. Most of the time and mine included our bm's tell our kids that we are a bitch and an evil sm and we should be gone. Including them calling dhs and the cops on us all the time. Along with doing what ever they could to make our live hell. Coupled with the fact that daddy lets them be disrespectful to us.
So by the time these kids are adults they are convinced that we are the most evil person in the world and deserve all we get.
Agreed, I am in this
Agreed, I am in this situation right now.
My mom was in this situation too, thankfully not all kids of selfish crazy mothers are doomed. My Step Brother loves my BM his SM as his own and has nothing bad to say about her. His mom, still after 30 some odd years cannot say one nice thing about my mom. But she's easier on me than she used to be.
I asked my mom how she did it, she said she was ignorant and just took one day at a time.
"this too shall pass" is quickly becoming my phrase of choice!
But DH does NOT let SKs
But DH does NOT let SKs disrespect me! He's very firm on that. I would not have married him if he did. And my step dad, my step brothers BD, NEVER let him disrespect my mom, he never let ME disrespect her either for that matter.
My dh doesn't let his kids
My dh doesn't let his kids disrespect me either. I mean that in general b/c most of these women here do here dh like that.