Death day
I married a widower. His kids were older when we got married. 20s . But every year my stepdaughter celebrates her moms death day as if it was yesterday. I sympathize I lost my mom too but my sd acts like it was yesterday. It's been 12 years. I've suggested counseling. She doesn't believe in it. As I've said before in other posts I feel like an outsider. Never thought I'd feel like I was in a relationship w a dead woman still. ( if that makes any sense ). My ss has dealt w it a bit better at least. Last couple years I've told my husband I just feel uncomfortable participating in these events. He didn't go last year or this year. I think he should support his daughter but she makes me feel like the other woman w her comments . Like if mom was here things would be different. I've set more boundaries lately w her to protect myself bc of her behavior toward me. She's pushy and manipulative so I try not to engage or plan holidays anymore and I definitely opt out of the death day. Family events still come up sometimes with her moms side still when they come into town. It's uncomfortable for me bc they talk like his dead wife is still w us sometimes. It's a weird vibe. Does anyone else have experience w this. Marrying a widower. Does it get easier. My husband is a great guy but he doesn't really get it all. If situation was reversed I really don't think it would even bother him.
Like if mom was here things
See, it's these "little" comments that I am completely over. People know what they are saying. People know exactly who they are saying it in front of. People do this on purpose. It's pure BS. It's rude. It's uncalled for. And, honestly, it's intolerable. I'd stay away from this emotionally stunted idiot.
I've never heard of anyone "celebrating" death day. I've heard of people going to gravesites to acknowledge their departed friends and relatives--but an event? Nope. Odd. Just odd!
What "family events" still occur with the ex's family?
Agreed.
And if they are emotionally stunted to the degree that they don't 'realize' what they are doing, they need to be told. Invite them to put the shoe on their foot. How would they like it?
Yeah, is there, like, a cake?
Yeah, is there, like, a cake? Presents? In my SO's culture, the kids do a prayer service for their parents' death day, but a widowed spouse doesn't do one for their previous wife/husband. If this gathering is something SD is making up and pushing for, and using the opportunity to throw shade at dad's current wife, dad really needs to set some boundaries (like don't go.)
I would say light a candle
I would say light a candle say a prayer they drink to numb . It's dysfunctional
I think that while it's
I think that while it's important to hold memory and space for loved ones in our hearts it's important to also be respectful of the living people in our lives. I think they'll carry that grief for a long time and always have a bonded relationship over that but in my opinion there is a line of respect at this point all of these years later.
If she were to say something outright insulting I think he should call her out on that.. If she insults you or makes negative comments about present day life in an offensive way. However I think that the issue is more the passive aggressive or subtle comments that are little constant digs. I have never been in this situation but I don't think I could handle being around those sort of comments that are purposefully backhanded.
If it doesn't improve i would continue to avoid being around her. She's being disrespectful of people. There is one thing to bring up memories and loving stories and another thing to make little comments meant to take a jab at someone. She might not have moved on but she still needs to be respectful of people's feelings around her.
It's hard bc her comments are
It's hard bc her comments are so subtle that sometimes I think did I hear that right ? But she is really passive aggressive. She won't confront on anything. She runs hot and cold. Only way I know how to deal with her is to disengage. It's hard bc my husband doesn't really see it or if he does he thinks it's me being sensitive and she'll come around. She likes me. It's a weird vibe w his kids. My ss is obviously better bc he's a guy but overall this family is quite challenging
Plan a nice overseas trip for
Plan a nice overseas trip for both of you that encompasses DD next year. Take yourself out of the equation. Do this every year from now on.
It's way past time for a
It's way past time for a frank conversation with your DH about this.
Look, I understand your kids, especially your daughter are still grieving their mother's death. I'm sure it was also traumatic for you to lose your spouse, but it's not fair or appropriate to be asked to participate in mourning a person that I did not know and was not in a relationship with. I expect that since you married me, you were fully ready to move on and create a partnership with me.. where you are "all in" not having recurrent bouts of grief and thoughts about your EX. And, I am certainly not interested in continuing to indulge your daughters need to celebrate her mother's passing every year... and I question why you are continuing to participate because it makes part of me feel that if you feel you need to do this.. you perhaps were not ready to be in a relationship with me. I think you may be participating to appease your daughter, but she needs to hear from you clearly that you are no longer participating.. and that you won't require I participate either. If she wants to take a day to remember her mother, that she is free to do so, but this is not something you are going to continue to do with her.
If you can't refuse her this day of celebration, you will understand that I will be making my own solo plans for this time.. a trip with friends.. to see relatives.. or just an adventure by myself, I am done with these events.
I feel he does do this to
I feel he does do this to appease his daughter bc the way I hear it their relationship wasn't perfect. But he feels guilt bc they lost their mom and my sd just keeps reliving her death day every year. He hasn't gone last couple years so he has tried but it's still there. She makes a big deal of Mother's Day her bday death day. It's just a lot I feel like the other woman.
It's completely normal to
It's completely normal to want to commemorate departed loved ones - to a degree. It can often be quite dysfunctional if the commemorations keep people stuck.
I can totally understand the SD wanting to remember her mom, but she lost a mom. She can't go out and fall in love with a new mom any more than any other person can go out and fall in love with a new brother, sister, grandma, uncle, child, etc.
Can we meet people who are like family and fill the role a deceased loved one once had? Yes.
However, romantic relationship are truly unique in that people can love, romantically and sexually, multiple people in their lifetime.
I didn't see how old SD is, but if she doesn't have a partner yet, she CAN have a romantic partner to comfort her while she's grieving the loss of her mom. Why does daddy have to go without because SD lost her mommy? SD is stuck in what's called a loyalty bind. She cannot embrace the OP because she thinks she's "honoring" her mom by taking shots at the OP.
OP - your spouse seems to be moving in the right direction and avoiding these annual death day celebrations.
I broke up with a widower 6 months ago. When I first met him (4 years after the late wife died), he and their daughter had a very destructive way of commemorating the LW's birthday and date of death. He would also get into a funk around their wedding anniversary. I was dating my ex about 4-5 months when WE woke up on the LW's birthday, were intimate and spent the day hiking. The next day, he met with their daughter and the two them spent the entire day drinking and crying and drinking and talking...about the LW.
The following day he was a complete grumpy turd towards me. Over our 4.5 years today, he improved a lot, but would still go into a funk around certain dates, especially their anniversary. And that hurt because he was always cagey about OUR anniversary.
Ultimately, he often talked of our future, making his house our home, and commitment. But, he's not done grieving his late wife and he's commitment averse, so I had to walk away.
((hugs)) to you. Dating a widower is NOT easy.
She has a husband. The
She has a husband. The husband celebrates in it too bc the mom and husband wer close too before she died. Mom wanted her to marry her husband. So there is def a trauma bond between them as well. My sd drinks and cries on her death day. Everyone gets messed up. Year before she even celebrated w her kids aged 7 and under with fake margarita glasses . It's very strange. It's very sad. I feel she manipulates my dh into events bc he feels bad. My ss has moved forward but my sd is stuck. I do feel for her. I've tried. But the passive aggressive comments and digs have made me back away. I'm not perfect. Maybe I should have a thicker skin sometimes but everytime I let her back in I realize once again it's not going to work having a close relationship w her. It's sad bc I would like to be a grandma to the kids. It's not their fault. But I don't want to be a a ysitter either. Just want to enjoy them . The whole family is dysfunctional in dealing with the moms death. It's family where no one believes in counseling or addressing things. And addiction runs rampant.
I usually ext or say thinking
I usually text or say thinking of you today but this year I did nothing and I've gotten off of social media so I don't see anything.
That's what I would do.
That's what I would do. Completely disengage. Nothing. Just be absent that day doing your own thing. I wouldn't have her on social media.
I don't anymore . Every event
I don't anymore . Every event was like her mom was still here and they were still a family. Even her moms family would post pics and say what a nice family and include my husband. It was weird and hurtful. Idk if it was intentional or just her grief but it always made me feel like I was an outsider. So I'm disengaging. I basically went ghost. It's what I have to do to preserve myself. My husband can have a close relationship w her going forward. I'll do the expected events like kids birthdays and holidays. Thanks for replying
I could see how that would
I could see how that would make you feel like an outsider. It would upset me too.
OP, the more you elaborate,
OP, the more you elaborate, the more it sounds like SD is an alcoholic and this "death day" is an excuse to get plastered and have others join her.
I believe she is becoming one
I believe she is becoming one bc she is using alcohol to cope. She needs counseling but she said she won't go bc she doesn't want to be diagnosed. Her marriage isn't the best either. She does have some nice attributes too but it's few and far between and I'm very guarded now bc trust is gone.
There have been a few posts
There have been a few posts where either the kids of the widower or, in one case, the female friends of the dead woman, wanted the widower to participate in some kind of celebration to honor the dead wife, and the current partner was writing in. In both cases i remember clearly, the "celebration" was basically a night full of heavy drinking and crying.
While it’s quite normal to grieve
The loss of a parent, to plan an event EVERY year for 12 years is so weird. She sounds codependent as well as passive aggressive. Steer clear of her every chance you get. I hope your DH is done attending as well. It's not you..this is pretty bizarre.
Thanks. In the beginning I
Thanks. In the beginning I thought it was me being thin skinned but as the years went by I realized this all so weird. Think no matter who her dad married unless the person did everything she wanted we would have same results. I lost my mom 13 years ago and I grieve her too but I had counseling and I dealt with it better. I'm still sad but I try to remember good times. My sd still sleeps on her pillow . Pictures all over the house like she's still there. It's very depressing. And every year a cry fest. My husband is going out to lunch w her so that's good. I don't need to be around it. Think he's finally getting hint.
Celebrating death day? WTF?
Celebrating death day? WTF? IMHO that is just sick.
I would rather celebrate them on their birthday than on a day of sorrow and loss.
Just my thoughts of course
I understand
I understand the need to acknowledge the1st anniversay of a loved one's death but every year.? Nope.
I think that celebrating a
I think that celebrating a "death day" when someone else has stepped into that role in the family, is, at best, passive aggressive and at worse, actively hostile. My MIL, from whom DH is estranged, celebrates her dead husband (DH's father) who died over 40 yrs ago!! She remarried about 30 yrs ago and I think making a big fuss of DH's late father is very insensitive to her current husband. Admittedly it is an unhappy marriage and I think she does it on purpose, as your SD is. I would distance yourself from any such goings on, and from SD herself, if that is the way she behaves.
I agree. She can't address me
I agree. She can't address me to my face so she does it passively. She acts nice but is very manipulative so you can never directly say she's rude. It's frustrating. She has sad in the beginning ypu remind me of mom but I feel guilty if I get too close. Think she feels like she's dishonoring her . Maybe bc she lost her young in her 20s. Idk. Can't figure it out so I'm disengaging. It's sad bc grandkids are involved and I'm all they know. But she still makes it known her moms still here. I understand you miss your mom and she is the grandma too but kids don't get it. So I step back and it's sad bc idk how to fix any of it at this point bc you can't talk to her . She says nothings wrong. Very cold. Hot and cold. Then she will reach out then goes cold again. Up and down so I choose to disengage now as much as I can.
She brings her
children who were born AFTER her mother died into it? That is just weird and sick. She sounds like a full blown diva who perpetuates this dynamic strictly for attention.
She does have that mentality.
She does have that mentality. It's me here I am. It's all about her. All the time. And she's in her 30s now.
SD can do what ever makes her feel better
I personally who not be part of any of this. Celebrating my DH ex wife death. That relationship must of ended before starting a new relationship with you. It was his choice to start a new relationship. Had to be his choice to end the old one. If SD is driving tge crazy train it's up to you to not get on. Next year celebrate her death with a trip to Las Vegas. Put $20 on red for the ex
Lol I agree my dh late wife
Lol I agree my dh late wife wanted him to re marry. She sounded like a good woman. She had been sick forawhile so my sd took care of her at the end. My dh had a rocky relationship woth late wife as well so my sd looks at everything thru rose colored glasses. She's on another world. Fantasy land.
Time for daddy to rub the
Time for daddy to rub the spawn's nose in late wife wanted him to re marry any and every time the toxic SKidult goes into deceased mommy worship mode.
If that causes her to separate from DH, BONUS!
O/T rambling
I really can't relate to this at all. I could not tell you the date of my father's death, not because I didn't care, but because it wasn't important. I was fortunate enough to be there and to support my mother after the funeral.
My mother died during the pandemic. I couldn't go to her funeral. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Yes, the funeral home did live streaming but that doesn't replace all the hugs and love that go with it.
I don't hold an annual ceremony but ... my mum died the day before our wedding anniversary and I can no longer face the idea of celebrating our anniversary (to be honest, we celebrated the day we met more than our wedding but still....,)
I'm pretty sure things will iron themselves for me out in time. I cannot imagine building a cult around a sainted parent.
I don't remember the exact
I don't remember the exact year or date.. but my mom died ON mother's day.. I always darkly joke that it was on purpose.. maximum guilt material.
NOPE
NOPE
Glad you realize this is not normal.
You are not morally required to play along with any of this. AS a wife or a step parent.
IF you feel so compelled, pray for bm's soul.---Even that is your private affair.
I'm married to a widower. His
I'm married to a widower. His wife died 11 years ago. SD doesn't do anything like that but she's been in counseling for something like 10 years now, both about that and about her first stepmother (who was only married to her dad about 18 months)'s treatment of her.
DH has been asking her is there an end goal to all this counseling, reminding her the point of counseling is to get on your feet, not to have a permanent counselor.
Sadly it sounds that your SD
Sadly it sounds that your SD has a pay for a friend therapist. If SD has not addressed her issues after 10 years of therapy it is safe to say, IMHO, that she needs to fire this fee grubbing failure of a therapist and find one who is worth a shit and with some ethics rather than sucking SD dry of her cash.