Delayed disengaging
My SD24 has been 7 years of awful to me, I'll spare the gruesome details. It finally came to a head last Christmas when my DH told her that her miserable face and attitude was no longer welcome in our house if she wasn't being respectful to me/us. If you come, come happy or stay home basically.
She drops the bombshell that she is pregnant and my DH is trying to get her to apologize, get me to try again, etc. He is suddenly back peddling, etc. He wants to be grandpa.
He wants the fantasy of grandbaby at our house, hot chocolate, Disney movies, 529 plans, etc. I know this will never happen, she is awful to him too and he anxiously awaits her crumbs every time.
I fear that if I draw a line in the sand now I become the bad guy preventing the above fantasy from becoming a reality. I would almost rather take the abuse a little longer until the baby is born so she will be her nasty self, hold her baby hostage from him, etc and then he can't point the finger at me in a few years. In other words the timing right now may put me in a pickle, whereas if I play doormat a little longer, she will act up as normal.
What do you all think about this plan?
No - do not play the doormat
No - do not play the doormat for another day. His relationship with his daughter is 100% on him. You have no responsibility to "make things right" between your husband and his daughter. If he wants to grovel and crawl let him, but ask him to do it out of your sight. If he wants to point a finger at you because he has a bad relationship with his ahole daughter tell him to go look in the mirror.
He wants to be a grandfather - well that's on him. But his idea of being a grandfather may be that he brings the child to your home while you watch the kid, feed the child, change diapers, etc. while he walks by and says "Hi baby" every once in a while.
Do not play their game. You are free to draw all the lines in the sand for YOU - he's free to go play in that sandbox with her even if it's full of cat feces from the catty SD.
I think it sucks that your
I think it sucks that your husband is letting this pregnancy blind him to who his daughter really is.
My husband would love to play Grandpa, and he would be great at it, but he doesn't get to because of how his daughter is and he is not going to kiss her ass or take any abuse, manipulation, or disrespect. He certainly doesn't expect ME to kiss her ass.
He knew that she would use her kids against him so he never gave her the chance. Sad, but that's how it is. He stopped waiting for the crumbs a LONG time ago. In fact, he saw the writing on the wall as soon as he and BM split.
By the way, having to force someone to apologize is as good as them not apologizing. It means nothing.
I don't think I would accept
I don't think I would accept an apology. I might consent to an adult summit to work out an agreement between all of you for what would be in the child's best interest, but let it be known up front that you won't allow the child to be used as a bargaining chip for special treatment of SD.
Grandparents have rights these days and can be granted visitation privileges through the courts. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be forced to pursue that option, but it is available.
Grandparents's rights are not
Grandparents's rights are not cut and dry. In my state, they are only given in certain circumstances, like if one parent dies and the other parent then tries to keep the kids from their in-laws. Or if the grandkids have lived with the grandparents a certain length of time. The state recognizes that a parent has the right to determine if their own parents can be around their kids... or not.
BM over here tried to threaten my SD with Grandparents Rights when she was being an ass to SD and trying to manipulate her. I looked it up and she didn't have a leg to stand on. SD can very well keep her own mother from her kids, if she wants to. Now, if her ex-husband dies, his parents could sue her for visitation rights, if she didn't let them see her kids.
Puleeze
already with these men and their juvenile idea that one half-a$$ed apology can wipe away years of abuse. Or that many of them think they possess the leverage necessary to force an apology out of their spoilt, fully-in-control-of-the-dynamic-for-years brats. It's delusional thinking, isn't it?
The Apology...we could almost have an entire forum for posts on the subject.
My first question regarding
My first question regarding an apology would be if an SM had ever received one that was actually sincere?
My OSD has told my DH that she has already apologized to me. Why yes, she has then, screaming "I'm sorry I 'm sorry" sarcastically into my voicemail in a condesneering manner.
She also told my DH she wished none of this happened and we could just forget it. Classic narc statement....has remorse for the SITUATION that has inconvenienced her but not her ACTIONS, doesn't want to lower herself to apologize to someone she thinks is just a peasant in the Family that she has long had control of.
Then she also told DH she still wants to get the three of us on the phone. Of course she does, so she can cry and play victim and daddy will feel sorry for her....I mean it's worked for decades now. I promptly responded back to DH that a woman her age should have no problem reaching out to me if she wants to apologize; she should not need daddy to supervise.
But yes, I am glad that there has not been an apology, because I suspect DH would think everything is fine now, I should forget everything and once again make everything convenient for him.
NOW is your opportunity to
NOW is your opportunity to disengage and put ALL of this on your DH. Just back out quietly and let DH handle his daughter and being a Grandfather. You cannot control this situation.
Set boundaries for yourself and step away from the drama. Do not become the hostess or babysitter; just be civil and let DH handle any of the social and babysitting jobs. Wash your hands of this in your own mind and move forward with your marriage only.
I told my DH, "you are welcome to go and do as you want with SD and her family, just please don't ask or expect me to be involved, unless I want to do so". I haven't been engaged with my SD57 or SGD34 (mother/daughter) in 5 years. I do not invite them to our home, hostess them, or ever go on their territory. It's all on my DH and his DD. It is difficult, because DH's don't want it this way, but stand your ground. After almost 8 years, working at my disengagement, my DH still believes it will be ok. NOT....but I am civil and we don't talk about it; I just stay my boundaries I have set for myself.
Keep in mind; as long as you are married to this man, this is part of the deal "you will always be to blame and you will always have to work at your disengagement". This said; it is up to you how difficult or how easy you make it for yourself. It is very freeing and peaceful for me now that I have set some goals for myself and stand tuff on them.