DHs Fall Blues
Help, DH’s blues have arrived again. DH’s 3 tight, adult SD have played the emotional blackmail on their dad for going on yet another couple of months—they don’t come around, text or call. Holidays are coming and DH’s blues are in full swing. Been married for 5 years and I’m emotionally drained. The holidays which were once filled with joy (before our marriage) are gone (I dread them, as does he.) I’m new to this site and already seen our common bond. DHs who are on guilt trips and won’t stand ground and set boundaries. My husband is hurt by their emotional blackmail, which I believe he finally sees and has shelled up towards them, although I know he longs for them. I count my days all the time for when he blames them all on me and leaves (I probably verge on paranoia.). The problem as I see it is that their mother, who they are ultimately close to (All bound at the hips!) would’ve liked their dad, my hubby, back after his 2nd divorce. He said no, although he played the super cordial ex to her and got the SDs hopes up (I also believe he felt vulnerable w/o anyone and she built up his ego.). He then married me (third) and they thought dad would continue to be super cordial with their mom. They would FT with mom in my/our house, take calls while at our house, and bring her up in almost every conversation (Still do when they’re around.) My husband refused to see the manipulation and wouldn’t do anything about it. The SDs and I have never quarreled, but they so would if they could get that far. No doubt they’re jealous, their mom (who btw is in her 4th marriage) is jealous, and I am jealous. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost walked out on my marriage, but I love my husband, made a vow, and am also afraid to be on my own. So...we’re at a stalemate with the SDs and the holidays are coming. My hubby and I are alone in this house and he’s lonely for them, the jerks! Before you slam me, understand that I understand they got a raw deal with their parents breaking up several y are ago, but it’s not my fault! I miss who I think I used to be.
I would not expect anyone to slam you.
Why is it that people are always making excuses for the behavior of the poor wittle COD toxically behaved prior relationship spawn?
You need to stop making excuses for them and focus on their behaviors. You and DH need to move to a place where you can make your life and not be constantly victimized by the lives of the toxic spawn. Take holiday trips together. Meet new people, make new friends, go see old friends, don't continue to serve yourselves up as fodder for the alter of guilt parenting/Sparenting sacrifice to the toxic X and the progeny of that failed union. If they can't behave reasonably the why doesn't matter. What matters is that they do behave reasonable or they suffer consequences. One key is to not punish yourselves while you and DH are punishing them for their crap.
Living your life and marriage in fear of being alone is a recipe for yet another failed marriage. The two of you need ot focus on your bond, your equity life partnership and not allowing anything or anyone to take priority over that or jeopardize it.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Thanks for talking it out.
Thanks for talking it out. We do vacation, but he won’t be away from home on holidays, hoping that his daughters will throw him a bone and come around, which is not much at all for one of them (the favorite). When we do vacation, I feel so relieved to be away because he’s distracted from what he misses at home. Day before we return home is always the worst for me because I know he/we are faced with the rejection and the emotional games.
Btw, what does COD mean? I’m having trouble understand the abbreviations here.
COD = Child(ren) Of Divorce
COD = Child(ren) Of Divorce
Try a holiday European river cruise. You will make fast friends on those kinds of adventures. And I would seriously consider a move to a different state where the expectation for the tossed bone of a visit from the SKids is unlikely and it may just drive the point home to the Skids that daddy won't continue to pine for them and they will have to be the ones to pursue a relationship with him.
Just some thoughts to consider.
And never give up the person
And never give up the person you like being for anything or anyone. I did that once and sacrificed 2.5 years of my life to my first marriage to my cavern crotched adulterous whore of an XW. It took months of therapy and a several years (3+) to recover the Rags I enjoy being.
I too have had to dig deep on feelings of not wanting or liking being alone. I married my XW at a major transition in my life and I married my incredible bride of 24+ years at another major life transition point. What I landed on is that I really don't have an issue being alone. In fact I enjoy it. But making a life with someone makes an amazing life that much more amazing.
Do the work you need to do to be happy regardless of where you are, alone, in a relationship, etc.... If you do that and hold your equity life partner to the same expectation the life you will make together will be incredible and toxic Xs and behaviorally toxic prior relationship spawn will not jeopardize your relationship or your happiness.
Good luck.
Thanks for the encouragement,
Thanks for the encouragement, Rags. I’ll keep all in mind. I’m also glad to read in your bio that you’re in a great place!
Has DH ever considered seeking help?
Has DH ever considered seeking help for his blues? It may just be the anticipation of the holidays - but it could be depression due to the shorter days and lack of daylight. Do some research on SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and see if it might apply. Sometimes just sitting in front of a "light box" in the morning that has bulbs that mimic daylight is all it takes to see an improvement in mood.
I Have thought of that (ALSO)
I Have thought of that (ALSO) and did recommend that he get one of those! He cannot see his depression at all, or he feels it’s unmanly?
You are right.
I think many men think any type of mental health issues is "unmanly" and won't consider seeking help.
I’m going to buy one ASAP!
I’m going to buy one ASAP. Pulling out all stops! TY.
It's a bit early to be having
It's a bit early to be having the holiday blues. Is your husband retired? Does he have any interest in hobbies? I think I'd make him an appointment to go in for a good complete physical (labs and the whole works).
Whatever relationship he has with his adult daughters was pretty well set before you arrived in the picture. If they are punishing him for marrying you instead of running back to his first wife, I would imagine they punished hm a plenty during the years he was married to his second wife.
I just read on your profile that you lost your sole young adult child shortly after marrying your husband. And now you live with a pouting man who spends months feeling doom and gloom. Have you spoken to a therapist for yourself. Losing a child is tragic experience for a mother (even when the children are adults), we just aren't suppose to out live our children. You sound unhappy in your marriage. Maybe it's time to start thinking about you. Is being physically alone worse than being alone in a marriage? I don't know. But some personal counseling may help you discover what it is you need and want for the remaining years you have left to live. And there's many years ahead for you yet.
If husband wants to sit home full of self pity, maybe perhaps there are things you'd like to go/see/do and yet enjoy in your life besides watching him mope. You can't fix this with his daughters. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it for him. You can't drag them all over and force the to pay attention to him.
You sound so hopeful that you can somehow make things better for him.
I have more than one SD who
I have more than one SD who has pulled the emotional blackmail on DH. Making sure they were number 1 over me (they are in their 40's), trying to cause fights in our marriage because it was fun for them. One of them was raised to believe she was The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, and cannot believe that DH is no longer begging to crawl up her a$$ and be her personal suppository as he did for decades.
You seem to be new to the situation based on your assessment of the situation. Right now, your DH is more afraid of losing his Precious Poopsies than losing you , his wife. His super precious snowflakes know that they have him where they want him and he is willing to do whatever to gain their favor. He is sending them the wrong message.
He needs to stop chasing them and stop making it so obvious. I would plan a holiday trip so you can start a new tradition, but also send a message to the Dark Triad that he is not waiting around for them to bless him with their Holy Presence. If he is not willing to stop chasing adult daughters, you might want to reconsider why you are married to him. You will always feel like a second class citizen.
My DH finally realized he deserved respect from his princesses. He did get it from one, but not the other. But he now likes the idea that he deserves respect as a person and father, and is not backing down.
SacrificialLamb, How Did You Get DH To Understand?
I've been trying to get DH to understand that just because SD says she respects and loves him, her actions are highly contradictory. They are not in alignment, and actions always prove who a person is.
I'm curious to know what you did to make your DH understand, and about how long did this take?
Of course your SD is going to
Of course your SD is going to say she WUUUUUVVVVVSSS and respects her daddeeee so much.....how else is she going to keep him licking out of the palm of her hand? My SD knew exactly how to keep her daddy wrapped around her finger. These tactics ranged from compliments to butter him up ("you're the best dad! I am so lucky to have you in my life!!!) to punishing him when he did not do exactly what she wanted.
My situation took a long time and was painful. I put up with a lot for years because DH was living in the house with my young children. I didn't feel I had the right to complain since I had young children in the house. But they became young adults and I looked back and said "wait a second. Why have my kids always behaved better than his, who are now middle-aged?"
I think two things happened at once in my case. 1. I got sick of it and was ready to end the marriage and DH knew it, and 2. OSD got frustrated that her efforts did not work and upped her game. I basically told Dh my life and marriage would not be held hostage by a middle aged woman with her own family who refused to grow up. If his number #1 goal was to kiss her a$$ to gain her favor, then he was welcome to go back to her and let me live my life in peace. I had no problem with him having an age appropriate relationship with his middle-aged daughter, but I was going to be wife and she was going to be daughter or I was gone.
He got the message. And when he started treated OSD like a daughter rather than The Supreme Wife Of His Life, she rolled out the punishment even more. In doing so, she really revelealed who she truly is. He started to question why she did not care about his happiness at all. She, like he, had been the recipient of BM's physical abuse, but she did not care about his happiness. His eyes had to be opened to see that, and that had to happen on it's own - I could not faciliate that or I just looked like the guilty party.
The bottom line is for years he was more afraid of losing OSD than me until I started packing up boxes and moving them to a storage unit. He saw he had been taking me for granted and I was done with it. This has been a few years, and now he can admit that his DD was a problem but he did not know what to do about it, he thought he could bury his head in the sand and it would go away.
My DH used to get severely
My DH used to get severely depressed over the holidays. Started right around Halloween. He has wonderful memories of his Christmases growing up and he feels so guilty that he couldn't give his kids the same experience. I don't exactly understand that because he was divorced when his youngest was in middle school or high school. But whatever. He was completely unhappy in his first marriage so that probably permeated everything.
I thought I could make him feel better by sitting around comforting him and getting depressed myself. At some point I decided that I wasn't helping him, I was getting dragged into HIS crazy. I used to love the holidays and dang it he wasn't going to take that away from me. So I bought tickets to the Christmas concerts, went to tree lightings, did the whole thing. He could either go with me or wallow on his own.
Eventually he recognized that he was depressed, and with the help of a good therapist and antidepressants, he does pretty well. He'll still get a little mopey, but I can't ever tell unless he says something, and it doesn't last for long. Last Christmas we took a trip, just ourselves, so we didn't see any of our kids. It was heaven.
If he doesn't take action of some type, nothing will ever change. You could try insisting that he find a counselor because you are worried about him. But whatever happens, do NOT let him drag you down that deep, dark hole with him.