Does it get better?
This is my second marriage. We met shortly after I freed myself from an abusive marriage of 15 years. It took a lot to get out but I did it.
Momma to 2 amazing adult children (b & g) and SP of 2 29 y/o step daughter 25 /o stepson. Together with my current partner/husband for 12 years. It’s been mostly an unpleasant experience with my sk’s especially my SD who now has 2 boys of her own, which is making the situation even more difficult. My BH has lacked when it comes to setting clear boundaries with his kids, and support with me in feeling his protection, nor has he stuck up, spoke up or defended me, not even in my hardest personal darkest days. in fact he has told me he won’t, ever, that I don’t need it. Spiritual bypassing is what that feels like.
Sometimes i really I want to leave, however there is so much real love, joy and happiness between us, and the only time we are out of balance is when it involves his kids. I don't know how much more I can deal with this.
My situation is so text book it's become predictable.
It's classic Bio dad is blinded from the reality of his children, and their self importance, entitled behaviour/ no acceptance of this relationship /marriage.
SD has made it clear I'm not welcome around her and he's supporting this. He says he has no idea why, he said his kids said that I said a specific thing years ago that upset her.
I guess all the tears I shed to him the first 5 or so years of our relationship regarding how his children treated me don't matter...
He is ok abiding by her rules so he goes on his own to see the grandbabies. I'm never brought up or talked about. He doesn't mention me around her.
12 years I've been living this nightmare.
I did my best to hold space in the beginning, everyone getting g to know one other as my love and I got to know each other.
Our first trip together was an event for his mother in Jamaica, we took his kids, his daughter was 19 son was 15, we were in a resort, paid for everything for both of them. I waited until we got home to share with him I would never travel with them again. I shared how awful, ungrateful and entitled his kids, especially daughter behaved and he came back with "what are you talking about, she was as sweet as could be"
The relationship almost ended there. Maybe is should have let it and this is now my karma for not listening to myself, I don't know but it's been years of dealing with him and his mini wife/daughter.
Another example, we agreed to help her buy a car. She was to match us 50/50, upto a certain amount. She was almost finished her part time yoga training, and working semi full time, she was living for free with her mom (which her existence in our relationship was a whole other experience in itself), she went off to Vegas with her friends for 4 days (all of these girls could be models) and came back without a savings expressing to daddy she spent all her money on yoga training. Well he's as gullible as she is full of bs, he bought her a car and went over budget, when I said that wasn't what we agreed upon, he told me he bought her a car because that's what he said he would do.
Shortly after he asked me if he could use my car to go pick up his nephew from the airport I told him to ask his daughter to use hers. I will never forget her response.
"What will you do for me if I do?" she said.
He didn't say a damn word to her about this and when I pointed out the entitlement he dismissed me and told me he has moved on.
It is his pattern to defend her, and I can feel the offensive energy coming from him. She has been a monster in my life.
Last year she invited just him for Christmas. He thought that was sweet of her.
I told him that's because she has zero respect for this relationship and no one would expect her to leave her family over Christmas.
there's so many things that have taken place over the years that I could share but I think you get the idea.
I admit I swallowed a lot in order to keep peace, to save the relationship, do what I needed to do in order to survive.
in 2021 I left "a trial separation" for a month. I could not bare it a minute longer.
When I returned I knew I was moving, didn't know where or how or when, just that I needed to get away from his kids and the way our life was playing out. I said "with or without you" and he said "with" and off we left 2 months later.
I feel this intensified her resentment and jealousy towards me and our relationship.
I fought myself hard to keep us together. I love our life, he's my best friend, but i do believe it is his daughter that is his greatest love, the one that requires to be set free.
If he doesn't courage up, rise up and wake up to her, set her free, heal the wounds and liberate himself, in extension his daughter and his relationship with me, the path ahead is a predictable one with the outcome of division.
Does this get any better?
I've been reading on this forum and I have gathered that it really doesn't. Just keeps going..
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The step kids live elsewhere, right?
You asked if it gets better, I doubt it will in your case. But, if these kids are adults and live elsewhere, how about disengaging? They obviously want nothing to do with you so just let them go. I know you'd like to have a better family connection with them, that's admirable. But, I doubt it will happen. So, just drop any efforts. They don't invite you? Good, do something you'd like better. Don't discuss them with DH. If he brings them up, just say, "Hmmmm. Want something to drink? What's on TV tonight?".
Your only concern would be their impact on your finances. Do you work? Could you separate finances? We did that and it slowed the output to my SD63. Do you and DH have a retirement saving plan? Perhaps a visit to a financial consultant about retirement planning would make him realize that any extra $ should go for your and his future.
I don't think this is unsolvable like some situations we have here. You and DH are obviously close. Do you think disengaging would help you cope better?
In any case, good luck and best wishes.
Working on it.
They do live somewhere else. My eldest lives about 2 blocks away in the same city. He has also tried to get the whole group together over Easter. SD and my BS went to high school together and worked at the same place before we started dating.
The financial situation has definitely shifted, we just had to experience being financially destitute to get there.
My son said it right over Easter weekend "she was a cruel queen in highschool, and she is still one now".
Its a 9 hour trip to get to where they live (his son and daughter can't live without each other so they have lived together on their own for the last 5 years since son moved to same city after bouncing back and forth between our house and biomom)
both of my children adore my partner, abd make the effort to visit us.
His put it all on him.
He calls and video calls and text his daughter like clockwork, but rarley reaches out to the boy.
its very odd to me. irs like hes under a spell with her.
I have tried the disegaging, just feels yucky.
I am really struggliing with not saying anything.
Its probably best its this way as if feels like a set up. A set up in the way that it hasn't mattered what i say or do, they will be offended by what i say, think, feel, regardless what it is. Thats already been proven.
Last i seen the oldest there was a discussion about fast food establishments abdni made a comment that my wish is our grandchildren grow up in a better cleaner world. The next day she pulled me aside to insist i becareful at wgat i project on her son and if he wants to work at McDonalds i need to support that.
Honestly thats insane.
She was over one time, noticed my robe and said she loved the color and how soft it looked. i walkwd over and put my arm out for her to feel its softness, she grabbed a handful of the sleave as i shared it wasnt realky my style but "it was a gift from your dad"
she fligged my arm away and said "its not as nice as i thought it was"
This is what i have had to deal with.
Ive stopped sending things for the grandbabies, stopped asking to see pics...
I feel so betrayed by my love not saying anything. He has no problem giving it to me, just with them.
I have asked him why it's ok that his grandchildren have no idea who his beloved partner is.
Appreciate this
Thank you for responding, I found great joy in reading and re-reading this. 1) it made me laugh out several times. 2) I was able to release feelings of anger and frustration thru your words.
3) some solid points
The sk's do both have partners that live with and share the same house, all to which support to lady queen bee in her "music career" and at becoming a known r and b artist.. she loves holding the spotlight.
I've had some real conversations with my beloved over the last few days. He has asked for me to have some patience while he heals the wounds his inaction has created.
He says that, but time will be the barer of truth I suppose.
Your SK are very adults
What means your situation is NOT going to change. What you see, is what you get, stop trying to be nice and as we put it 'disengage. From SK. Put effect into disengaging from them. No inviting them to anything. No gifts. No texts. You. Make a life without them.
'just except the fact,, this is how it's going to be
Yeah they're adults
You can understand this behavior in children who are actual minors in age. I agree with Harry, they are adults, this is who they are, choose to continue to be, and they're not going to change. I see the same in the situation with my SO;s oldest daughter. She's 30 years old and holding on to the idea that being mean to me and pretending I don't exist, will somehow make it come true. smh Sorry about your messed up situation.
At this point.. in your case?
At this point.. in your case? I don't see an improvement. your husband will always want to live a split life.. one where he has a relationship with his kids.. and one with you. He has shown he is unable to maintain limits you have tried to set together as a couple..
Reasonable limits like "X amount of joint finances can be spent on helping her with a car" (note if your finances are separate.. and his decisions don't impact YOUR personal finances.. that may be something you will have to allow him to manage on his own.. as long as your household isn't cut short)
Or.. holidays are spent with our partner.. if you want to see kids/grandkids.. you can pick a day "around" the holiday.. but you don't want to be sitting home alone.
For some people the split works ok.. my DH sees his older daughers kids mostly without me.. (not so much that I don't get along with her.. I just have fairly low "kid" tolerance.. haha).. but he also knows that he plans most of this when I am not off work.
Clearly he has told you repeatedly that his kids are important.. I might suggest counseling to see if you can work through this.. perhaps couples counseling in addition to some work with your own therapist.. maybe you can figure out if the good is enough to want to keep things together.. and you can work on accepting the bitter pills if they are not frequent or overwhelming parts of your life?
Agreed
We moved last Oct, 13 hours from where we were living for the past 3 years, which brought us back closer to all 4 kids. We had been busy every weekend with unpacking and settling in. I was very much looking forward to HD mandatory days off since we had no relaxing/chill days since arriving.
I felt it coming before the words came out of his mouth.
"I'm thinking of jetting off to ..... to see .... and the new baby"... "I will be really busy after Christmas and don't know when I'll have the time to go see them"
Again.... freaking crushed at him thinking it would be ok to leave me over the holidays, alone in a new city, not knowing anyone..
I responded with "sure go, but I won't be here when you get back"
where then he told me I was holding him hostage.
he didn't end up going. We went together over Easter, I had 2 wonderful days with my own son, and DH was gone to his kids house..
I hate it.
See... the problem is that it
See... the problem is that it sounds like you would have no problem theoretically going to visit your own kid while he does a visit with his... (at least occasionally)..
Wanting to have your partner with you shouldn't feel like being a hostage.. but he could have approached it more along the lines of.. I was thinking about trying to get out to see XX and the baby.. can you get away then too and you could see your son as well? We can also visit with a few old friends together and go to that great restaurant we always enjoyed. I'm worried I won't have time to get away after the holidays.. so was hoping to do it now.
His default was to just leave you behind.. not include you.. because when the trip did happen.. you enjoyed it for your own part.. hardly keeping him hostage.
And.. he can't understand that wanting to not be alone on the holidays might make it a bit more sensitive? that you might not have minded if it was another time as much?
That is the kind of communication that a therapist could probably help improve things in your relationship.. it may not have been as hurtful as he meant it.. but perhaps he needs to hear from a 3rd party.
Split lives
That's how my SO does things, time with me or time with his daughters. I have never spent time with the 3 of them. He doesn't invite me when he meets them for dinner and he doesn't invite them when we spend days at the shore. On my side, he does all the normal things a partner would do with their partner's family.
It's so unfair and makes me mad. It's ridiculous as adults for them to behave this way and just bad character for our partners to allow it. They are supposed to be a bridge of love and togetherness. The character of the kingdom emanates from the character of the king.
To answer your question...
No. It does not get better.
Read that again. It. does. not. get. better. Particularly when there is a stepDAUGHTER who is considered an infallible princess by her father.
This is something about your post that stuck with me regarding your DH:
"...nor has he stuck up, spoke up or defended me, not even in my hardest personal darkest days. in fact he has told me he won’t, ever, that I don’t need it."
Do you realize that this is a form of emotional abuse? I know you say there is a lot of "love" between you, but if this is the way your DH demonstrates his love - by telling you that you are NOT WORTHY of comfort and compassion - then guess what? You fundamentally have a DH problem.
I will echo others who have said the only hope for you regarding the stepkids siutation is to disengage. I know you said you consider it "yucky" but I think being emotionally abused, ignored and disresprected is a much "yuckier" feeling, don't you?
Try it for six months. Go to the Disengagement section here on Steptalk and read up on it. Do not make a big announcement to your DH that you are disengaging from his kids. Do not spend any time or money on them, Do not see them, find a way to excuse yourself if they come over or find any reason to get away from the house. Don't go and visit them. Don't call them. Don't text them, even on birthdays or other occasions. When your DH talks about them, change the subject.
Once you disengage from them, you may find things improve with your relationship with DH as that won't be an issue of conflict any longer.
If you want to stay in this marriage then you must disengage from your DH's kids. If you don't, you will be facing the rest of your years in misery.
2Tired4Drama
You're words are so true. When I read that he said he, "would never ever" defend her because she "doesn't need it," I was flabbergasted. It amazes me how they can profess their love for us, yet be unwilling to stand between us and their evil SDs. Even in your darkest moments, they don't budge. This is the darkest hour of my life losing my son and for my SO to tell me his daughter can exclude me from her destination wedding with her parents, is so cruel.
I hadn't seen it this way before, but it IS a form of emotional abuse. All of us here venting and sharing our effed up situations, found this site because we're being hurt by these situations. We're the good side of the relationship trying to deal with dysfuntional people who nurse hate in their hearts. They need therapy because they're all screwed up. We end up needing therapy because of the abuse we've been subjected to.
I have no relationship with his daughters so disengagement has been my default. When he tells me things about them or their birthdays are coming up, I just say, Ok. I don't ask questions because I don't care and not going to pretend to. He chose the separate lives path and they want to keep it that way. Fine by me.I lose absolutely NOTHING by not having a relationship with them.
Listen to 2Tired and stay away from his family that hates you.
It will not change...
When Daddy trips over his tongue like a teenage boy 'in love' then you have the emotional incest and likely physical incest as well, as I witnessed after much denial until I walked in on it. The family seems incestuous and dysfunctional.
I experienced similar and now that I've been out for 5 yrs, those visions and ugly truths still haunt me from time to time.
If you and DH are so good, just you two together, then how about moving out on your own and just DATE him. This way you can have quality time with him and not have to bear witness to his disgusting behaviors with his entitled brat DaughterWife.
When you say he told you he won't stick up for you or defend you...LISTEN...he is TELLING you exactly what he thinks of you (disrespect to name one) and he gives zero sh*ts about your mental well-being.
Life is too short to live with this mess. I'm 59 now, own my business and take care of myself after years of focusing on his clan.
Interesting
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have called out this very behaviour. It felt odd to me for the longest time how I observed her little seductress behaviour seemed to put the ones around her under a spell. Her brother, 4 years younger, is like her personal slave, doing everything she tells him to do.. he was maybe 15 -16 and really into photography, I remember an occasion they went on a hike to a local waterfall where she took off her clothes, except for her g-string bottoms, and did a photo shoot, where some of the photos she posted to fb, and it was such an uncomfortable feeling, for one her brother took the photos, and 2 she put them on social media. After I spoke to her about why she felt the need to expose herself like that she took them down.. but even her own parents didn't mention anything to her. It's like they cannot see.
I hit a snapping point in 2020, she was around 23 at the time, came into our home, took her shirt off and sat between her fathers legs and asked him for a massage. Of course he obliged. I felt sick to my stomach, it was a very uncomfortable situation for me.
I think I judged myself in the moment for being the one to have these feelings and that this was ok. But it wasn't. I told him after how uncomfortable that was, why I left and if she wants a massage to go ask her boyfriend at home for one, or go pay for it.
I've used those very words... "incestuous". I told him she has seduced her own father, brother, and so on.
DH is no longer calling or communicating with her while he is around me.
He uses time at work and the privacy of his office to do his weekly "check in's"
I shared how I feel like he treats her like she is the "other woman"
Honeslty you've given me some things to consider thru your own story.
thank you.
Disgusting
Maybe that's what's at the heart of all the nasty possessive jealous psychotic SD behaviors. They are in love with their fathers, even if they have BFs or husbands and continue to want all his attention and for him to keep proving she's number one. These demented girls see their father's partner as the other woman and declare war on her.
And what do they do? Indulge and give in to them? Why? Because the disgustingness is probably flowing both ways, even if subconciously.
Nope nope and NOPE
The Daughter wife will continue to fight tooth and nail over daddy cakes.
What do you see for yourself - for the future? Are you married? Keep finances separate?
No matter what, get an airtight will. Get an insurance policy on this guy, if you decide to stay.
I agree with the others - disengagement is your friend.
They have done the work for me
I don't know if see my marriage in the future.
Not with how it's been, that's for sure.
Oh the energy I have put into this, I want it all back!
there is much repair to be done on his part, with every "maybe you said something"
or
"she's as sweet as can be"
or "that's just your perception"
or, the best one yet
"I'll always defend my daughter"
I still have resentment for that one.
Im starting to see that I may have been fooled by my heart...
Now with her having another baby the deception of him being "papa" as a tool to use...
Two things...
"Disengaging seems yucky". That's natural. It'll get easier over time and you won't regret it. Have you told DH how you feel about all this? How he responds to you will be very telling. Have you told the steps that you don't like what they're doing? I dated someone years ago who was constantly writing checks to pay off baby girls credit cards. I found that to be so gross! Broke up with him. He needs to understand that his catering to his kids affects you, too. Best of luck.
Yes...
...disengagement may feel "yucky", but is it less "yucky" to be treated like you don't matter? Likely not. You deserve better! Draw a line down the center of a blank sheet of paper, label one side 'Pros' and the other 'Cons', set a timer for 15 minutes, and put your thoughts to paper. No matter how trivial they may seem; be brutally honest, don't overthink, just get it all out. At the end of 15 minutes, examine your lists; there is clarity in seeing your thoughts in black/white, this should provide a clear indication of the status of your relationship.
I am concerned that if this has been the status quo for 12 years, it will be difficult to change. If you wish to stay, demand better. Don't settle. You are worth it. I am sorry you are going through this, blessings to you.