Does step mom have any say in hs graduate adult stepson living at home?
I literally have a count down to his high school graduation. Things have become extremely toxic and im uncomfortable when he is around. Him, his mother and his moms mom all expect my husband to put them and him first and ignore me the new wife, and my 1 year old and our new pregnancy. They don't care about my Covid protocols, my rules, or what's best for my kids.
lately he has been saying he will just go to community college after high school and stay living with us. Which i laugh and say we will see. I plan on us moving whe he graduates. But my question is... do I have any say in adult step kids living with us. I do not agree and will not live with him as An adult. I have no say now as a minor and whatever custody arrangement they have which is currently 50-50 every other week. But please please someone tell me i have say of when he is 18 if i want to live with him or not.
Of course you have a say.
Of course you have a say. But if your husband chooses to ignore what you say, your option is to move out if you don't want to live with the SS.
Why is your DH still involved with any of these women?
Why is your DH still involved with any of these women? Your first post was about the strange behavior of BM's Mom and how she was trying to be a part of your family with DH. It doesn't sound like he has ever put a stop to their involvement in your lives.
You need to make it very clear to DH that after SS graduates there needs to be a clear plan for when he will begin living on his own.
True
I had to send a text to his ex mother in law about stopping by my house un announced and coming in when neither my husband or I was here to visit step son. Mind you she lives with her daughter and gets to see him every other week. So the trips to our house without an adult agreeing needed to stop. My husband doesn't seem to know how to "check" a woman or elderly.
I sent her a text, she responded in the most ugly way possible calling me crazy and manipulative and again calling my husband her son no matter how i feel. She went on to tell me i would regret this and what i put out would come back to me. Since then, step son has been an even worse pain in my ass. He's rude, does nothing around the house unless his dad tells him to. Acts like this place is his, take sky stuff without asking, won't speak to me. Won't acknowledge my new pregnancy and hardly does our 1 year old son. He also makes up sob stories to his lol that his dad has no time for him and he can't do xyz because of his dads new responsibilities. I feel the only reason he still comes around here instead of jusr staying with his lol is just a power trip and flex.
I've told my husband plenty of times behind closed doors. You and your ex wife better have a launch plan in place because I will not be living with him. And him staying here is not an option. I may not have say now as he is a minor but I'll be damned if If I don't have say when it comes to grown ass kids. I just wanted to make sure This wasn't normal for husband and kids to make plans and leave out the freaking other adult of the house once kids are technically grown.
I don't know why you think
I don't know why you think your 16 year old SS should care about your pregnancy. Your pregnancy isn't special to him the way it's special to you and that's perfectly ok. His feelings are ok too. He's not feeling a part of the "new" family and it's a feeling many children of divorce have. Why do you invalidate his feelings and call them "sob stories"? Are your feelings "sob stories" as well?
And yes, he acts like the place is his because he lives there and it's his home too. I don't see why he should get booted out of the house just because he makes you uncomfortable if he's otherwise well-behaved and does chores when asked.
Because… you don’t know the whole story.
Because his mom
has been remarked for the last 10 years. She called my husband and said he isn't getting along with her new husband and their child. So she gave him up to my husband to raise alone for 10 years. My husband couldn't date or move on because his sons feelings. He played us against his mother at first telling us all their dirt and now that she is back in his life trying he is trying to play her against us. The are sob stories because he is twisting the truth to get what he wants. He doesn't have to care but about my pregnancy but he can't say he doesn't feel apart of our family when we include him in everything and all he does is talk about himself or his moms experience being pregnant.
he tells me he doesn't accept my family as his family when they shower him with gifts and come
tonhim with open arms. He is picking and choosing and he is only acting this way because of his grandmother. Before i had to contact her about her pop ins unannounced we were all doing just fine.
now he feels his sense of family is at his moms. He says hurtful things to his father about the step dad who hated him so much he made his mother give him up at 5 so they could focus on their own family. He is emotionally playing both sides for attention and to get what he wants and play games. Games tay he learns from his grandmother.
and im
the adult here i pay bills. He is taking my stuff without asking. Going through my things. Not listening to any rules i set. Talking shit to me about my kids when my husband isn't around and then when my husband is around he is quiet and says stuff like he's so happy for his siblings. It he just told me in the room alone that my kids were mistakes and he would never do anything for them. It's a game and I'm not playing it. And when he is 18 an adult he will be booted or i will leave. I don't have to live uncomfortable because his parents failure to launch him in life. I do not have to pay for someone else's kid who purposefully tries to cause shit in our home and is rude then says his real family is his moms sided ok then to live with them.
If it is your marital home, you have absolute say.
If your SO questions that, have the locks re-keyed to give them clarity.
The partner vetoing the StepSpawn moving in has the sole vote that counts.
Here is your mistake regarding going to cc and living in your home. "Which i laugh and say we will see." Quit being coy and just tell the kid and daddy, "Not only no, but HELL no. You launch at 18 and will no longer interfere in the lives our young children have with their married parents. It does not matter where you go to school. You will not live here. You can visit for holidays, if, your behavior warrants it."
Eh, I disagree. At 18, going
Eh, I disagree. At 18, going to community college and working part time- that deserves parental support. You don't stop helping your kids who are trying to become successful adults.
A toxic adult kid cannot be
A toxic adult kid cannot be tolerated to be a detriment to the lives of young children. If this toxic teen had not been toxic, that would carry a different ooutcome. This kid earned his launch at 18. Responsible parents will hold him accounable and protect the young ones.
IMHO of course.
This is tough
I'm speaking as someone who was a stepdaughter, has stepkids, and has bio children that are steroids. This is a tough situation.
His attitude definitely needs to be adjusted. I don't know what your family dynamic was like when you entered his life, but the first problem would be to get the ex and grandma out of your house and keep them out. I feel like that will go a long way.
If your DH would lay down the law in the rules of chores and expectations, that might help SD develope some respect for rules and hopefully respect from you will follow.
Why doesn't SS live with his BM? Is that an option?
Does he work and is it possible for him to get an apartment with a roommate?
I honestly wouldn't expect a 16 yo boy to be excited about a pregnancy or even a 1 year old sibling. My oldest was 12 when I had my youngest and he didn't have much concern for his brother until he had been away from him (oldest is military) for a while.
I'm sorry you're struggling. Hopefully DH gets on board and you can develop a plan and SS learns he has to show some respect and make an effort or things won't go well.
She gave him up to start her own family and now is back
His mother just came back in the picture once my husband and I got engaged. She gave up custody of him to my husband at 5 years old because she got remarried and had another kid and he was beating him and acting out and the step dad said he needed to go. He would visit moms for holidays and summers and that's it. Ever since we got serious she all of a sudden wants him 50-50 the step dad is trying really hard and they buy him everything. The mom has refused to acknowledge me or meet me. Even at one of his basketball games she walked right past us spoke to my husband and walked away.
so since she has been back he has played games telling us stories and staying away from her then wanting to tell her stories and stay away from us. It's a toxic and emotional mess. I disengaged a year ago. And now I'm just counting down the day. I know he isn't grown at 18 i know kids still need support. It if he refuses to accept me and my kids and this household being it's own family he can't stay here and ruin every single moment. Which he intentionally does. My family is over talking about the baby or first birthday he brings up his mom and what she did for him. We talked about our anniversary trips he brings up his mom and my husbands honeymoon. Compared our wedding rings, cars. It's just a constant.
Gotcha. That's painful
Gotcha...and ouch! That's painful. I can relate somewhat with my SD.
You're exactly right...he has to accept you and your children, his siblings, as family. It won't work otherwise.
My suggestion would be, if DH is on board, to enlist him to have a talk with him. The kid may buck. But the seed needs to be planted that the day is approaching where decisions have to be made. Kiddo needs to be told in unequivocally that you are not going anywhere and he's part of the family, and y'all welcome him to act like it. That includes pulling his own weight in chores and having some kind of part time job while he's in school.
This kiddo is taking jabs and that hurts...but he probably feels resentment towards BM and dad, even though it sounds like BM should take the brunt of it. Kids lash out at easy targets...I think too many steps don't put a stop to it and it continues. We feel for the skids sometimes, but he's old enough to know better now. And he's probably got some jealousy towards the baby and feels jyped because his parents didn't stay together. But life isn't fair. A lot of people come from divorced parents and survive. He will, too. He probably has resentment at BM for dumping him then showing back up...and she has to own that and talk to her son at some point and take responsibility for it.
I'm sorry. Enlist DH to help and have your back and maybe there's still hope for successful blending. But kiddo has to help in the process.
My daughter and her stepmother don't have a great relationship so I'm familiar with both sides... I also don't have a great relationship with my SD....it's a difficult dance and sometimes you just have to sit down and stop trying for a bit.
Of course you have a say. But
Of course you have a say. But so does your husband....
I understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't want one of my SS's to ever come to my house again after he turns 18. The other one, can, does and probably will live with us forever (Autistic). I would not take kindly to my husband booting my bios after they graduate. They know, at 14 and16 what their expectations after graduation are. Going to college, working part time, etc. If they don't go to college they can join the military, go to trade school or they can move out. But continuing education is a must to keep living at home. If they want to be smart and save $ and do community college, I am all for helping.
There is a balance. I do think that you guys all need to sit down together- of course you and your husband first to be on the same page. Clear expectations of what living there will look like after he is 18. To include curfews, friends over, rent, car insurance, cell phone bill, # of classes he is expected to be taking if any of those bills are going to be covered by you guys, Grades that will need to be maintained, etc.
He might decide on his own that he doesn't want to live there, but those are important things to have clearly outlined.
DH
It really seems like SS living at home after HS won't work unless DH really steps up and establishes rules and boundaries for SS that are enforced. But since he hasn't done that for the first 18 years of SS's life, I wouldn't hold my breath.
18 and going to school deserves parental support, but that doesn't mean living at home. DH can help with an apartment - maintaining a toxic situation at home for you and your young kids is not healthy for any of you.
But really you and DH need to sit down and hash this out. But I would start looking into housing options near the CC for SS. Then BM's mom can go visit him and him roomies there!
Of course you have some say
Of course you have some say in what happens in your home... you are able to have your own opinions and preferences. But in order to really have these rights.. you have to EXERCISE them.
Stop hinting.. stop beating around the bush. Have a direct discussion with your DH on your expectations and tell him you want to know the concrete plan and you want to see SS working towards that plan.
However. I will say, all our preferences (and this is a preference... ) may come with a cost. The result could by your DH ponying up the money to rent an apartment for his son. He could tell you to pound sand.. that his kid will live there if he is going to school full time. Then.. you need to decide what you are actually willing to DO about it. Are you going to leave your husband? Will you compromise? what? ultimatums need teeth to be worth a darn.. and while I can see you are frustrated with this kid.. the kid has had some pretty crappy raising from both his parents.. so.. hard to lay it all at his feet.
If he stays.. get cameras.. lock up things that are important to you.