Just tell him no...I would. Public functions I understand, but not the private affairs.

No way!! SO would never do that I think I would hurt him if he even tried it }:) }:)

There's no blanket answer for this.

Just because it works for some doesn't mean you have to accept it. And just because many would HATE it doesn't mean that it is not for you.

It's for you and your DH to discuss and come to a mutally acceptable solution.

If it really bothers you then I don't think your husband should go. No spouse should do things that intentionally hurt their partner. But that works two ways - is it really going to hurt your DH not to go?

Nobody but you and your DH can decide what is the right decision for you.

In my case it is a no brainer - but for a lot of reasons that might not apply to you. I'd disown DH if he so much as calls BM. I'd have to kill him if he took her to dinner. But there's a lot of history there that has nothing to do with you.

WTF!!!!!! "This is SD 40th birthday and she wants to go to a restaurant then to a movie."

OMG this is your SD's 40th BIRTHDAY????? I think your post alone helps me decide on my current situation!!!!!! my SD is 5 and I will first kill myself or someone else before having this be my reality for the next 35 years!!!!!

Thanks for your post I think my decision is made.

My husband won't go anywhere near BM. That is his choice and I don't blame him.

Oh I didn't realize this was for a 40 year old woman.

Hell no he shouldn't go. This is not a birthday treat for a 10 year old.

I kinda think some of these things are to be expected when u get involved with a man that has children. BM will ALWAYS be at least a small part of your life, even when the kids are grown... You can't expect everyone to tip-toe around you cause its uncomfortable for you! And believe me i do know it is very uncomfortable! The kids have a right to invite BOTH of their parents to any event and if the bio's are willing to be at the same place then there is no way you can protest and not come out looking like an insecure bad guy. Im pleasant and civil with BM and pretend it doesn't bother me at all! And really its never usually as bad as i hype it up in my own head before hand. The only way i could see me saying i don't want to be in the same room as her is if MIL was there too... MIL hated BM the whole time she was with DH and now she seems to have passed that hatred on to me because Im 18 years younger then DH. Now she sings BMs praises, and shes the kind of woman that would definitely pull some stunts if the 3 of us were ever in the same room... Thankfully she lives 6 hours away and dosent drive lol

There is a huge difference between not wanting to be there yourself... Suck it up!, and not being allowed to be there... tell whoever where to go and how to get there!

In this case my impression was that SHE did not want to go, not that she was asked/told not to go.

And as for banning DH from attending his children's events he wants to go to, just because you don't... I find that incredibly arrogant, no matter the problems we've had over the kids and there have been a few... I could never demand that anyone not play an active role in their children's lives whether or not i chose to include myself. If i was worried that BM still wanted him or was trying to cause harm to my relationship... Then i would definitely set aside my awkwardness and be there to make sure she didn't get away with it!

I disagree that it's family tradition and that he should go. When couples divorce, it is unrealistic to carry on all the family traditions, instead, new ones are created. Stepped on, you and your DH need to do what feels right for you. You mention DH doesn't feel comfortable doing this, isn't that your answer right there? For large gatherings, I can see that it would be okay, but for this type of gathering it sounds like SD isn't letting go of the fact that her parents are divorced. Banning BM's husband and then you not going? Sounds to me like she had this planned all along to recreate her "happy family" but it just isn't realistic.

Go with your gut. When DH and his ex first split up, she kept turning up for years at his brother's for their family Christmas and even the kids started saying it felt awkward. So DH just stopped going and she still goes! So you see, sometimes one person has to make the shift into the new reality...

Well that's even more reason for your DH not to go. He should have been the one to deal with the horse issue, why did he not say something and why are you now the bad guy? Why do so many DH's let the SM be the bad guy in the relationship, it's maddening! I would imagine BM knows about this falling out which puts you in an even more vulnerable position.

What has your DH done about this issue???

I know of many people who have remarried and they are almost friends (or really are) with their ex and their new spouse. Great for them. I see nothing wrong with it IF it works.

But when there is drama, friction, and hatred it just doesn't work.

And the whole crap about keeping "traditions" is just bullshit. I had a tradition of having sex with my ex on my birthday - anyone think I needed to continue that because it was a "tradition"?

LOL oldone! Man I love this site!

How sweet that the four of them can have a double date. :sick: :sick: :sick:

Ours arent grown and my DH hasent done ANYTHING with BM since she left. EVERYTHING we do, we do together as couple and the one playing niceties is me. He always stands with me and lets me say the hellos..its just his way. He wants nothing to do with them and prefers I handle the niceties as I think they should be there for the kids. Along with that, is everything is seperated private, we tried shared bday parties and christmas's I did it all and everytime BM and her family would leave and tear the children apart with lies and nasty things to say..so we ended them. We do things this way at everything we should and do attend for the kids, as adults we will do the same for weddings and such as its how we are comfortable doing things. It helps me feel secure and him as he isnt much of a talker anyway lol! And he hates them all and would rather be a rude brat to them than anything else and act like they dont exist lol!

This is an important topic. I had to go to events with BM and former SM during our marriage (husband now dead). I didn't like it but he made it clear that he thought the need to hate the ex was just old-fashioned and he thought it would be best if we all tried to get along. Well, I did it for 20 years, but I never enjoyed it. Of course I stopped after he died. The BM also died and the ex-step has sided with the kids over me. It's just ridiculous. She wouldn't attend the memorial I gave for him but then the kids did a second one and she attended that one. I came for a brief period, against my better judgment. So much for the good it did me to put up with her for 20 years.

I've been unhappy to be estranged from his kids since his death, but they treat me like a dart board and fought tooth and nail for whatever they could get from his estate. It was very ugly. In so many ways it is a relief to not have to see those people. The only regrets I have are my grandchildren, who have been poisoned against me. I've just had to let it all go, even the grandkids. I'm so much more relaxed and peaceful with all that crap behind me. Sure, I'm lonely and I lost an entire family, but I'm moving on, taking it a day at a time, and hoping to make new friends. No more men with adult kids - ever.

My hubbys ex-wife has caused so many problems between hubby and his daughter. Ex-wife just loves to keep drama going. Ex-wife was divorced from hubby 10 years before I came along. But for whatever crazy reason she loves to make sure SD and I dont' get along. And of course it causes hubby to choose me over SD. Drama.....However, I realize that we are all going to be invited to the skids homes for events. It is a reality and I am not going to tell my hubby not to go. That is ridiculous, they are his children. We don't expect them to hold 2 thanksgiving and 2 christmases just because we don't particularly like the ex-wife. The way to offset some of that is to hold the events at our house. If the skids can't make it do to schedule conflicts...oh well... my family will be there. I support my husband by going and being nice to everyone. That really gives them something to talk about...

Lucy I am sorry you were treated that way by your SK's. It really goes to show that this resentment can last forever and that's what scares me about staying in a relationship like this. I feel sad and sick to think that if my SO were to pass away, his actual funeral could be a source of tension. Everyone will be grieving and why can't the real feelings of sadness and loss come out instead of bitterness and anger? Life is short - I feel so sad reading what happens...

Thank you, Candy. I was so overwhelmed with grief when planning his memorial, and I'm a slow processor, so it took me awhile to understand that there was conflict about the memorial. In the end I had to pay my step daughter to attend - down to the penny for her very expensive flight. I can't even imagine not attending a parents' memorial. And they claimed to have loved him so dearly. Hogwash. They loved what he was leaving them.

I don't care if he drove another car or not. He took BM out to dinner (you know he paid). That is a huge slap in the face to any wife. This was not a wedding or a graduation. This was a date.

My husband is not allowed to date. Not even if he does not sleep with them.

My best friend was wife #2 to a man that has now been married to his 3rd wife for about 20 years. I went with her to his home for Christmas a few years ago.

It was absolutely sickening. He had his 2 children from first marriage (and spouses and gk), his first wife and her husband, and then his two kids from my friend and the two of us. He felt like he had his little "harem" all under his roof. He was so happy.

His wife was gracious and they all made nice. But the part that is sickening to me is that I know for a fact that he still sleeps with my friend from whom he has been divorced for 25 years. Don't know about wife #1.

And yes I think my friend is stupid for doing so. He left her with a 6 month old baby to pursue the current wife. She came home from the grocery store one day and he had moved out. Never had a clue. But he still drops by for a little action even after two decades.

Stepped, Imo, you are completely right and your DH and even DD is wrong. If for no other reason your DH shouldn't go because you are uncomfortable about him attending events with BM present.

This is a 40 year old woman and all activities and events could and should be done with parents individually.

My DD got married so should she now expect my SIL's parents to attend every holiday, etc with me just because they are married and she doesn't want to have to divide her time between households.

No, she now has to divide holiday/birthday time between both sets of parents!

This woman needs to grow up and your DH needs to get some balls! Ugghhh.

Stepped on step thanks for asking. I'm still thinking of moving but my friend just left for Africa for a big project. She plans to stay 6 mos, but the project lasts 7 years, so I'm waiting to see what happens there. I'm also starting to feel more connected to my community, volunteering, joining groups, and meeting new people. A move across the country is a big deal and I'm one of these people who thinks deeply about things. I still have some residual anger, as is evident here, but on a daily basis I feel much better when there is no contact with his kids. There was one thing that happened over the holidays that upset me and put me on the path of letting go of the grandchildren as hard as that is. Other than that, everything has been quiet and calm and I'm back to nesting in this house so I guess I'm in no hurry to move.

Again, thanks for asking.

I wonder if you worded and communicated your feelings to DH in a different way he would understand why you feel the way you do and that would change his behavior? Speak from your heart and with out anger, hold his hand, be humble, look him in the eye. Tell him why you have a fear of he and BM  being together and why his response to you hurts your feelings. Thinking about what you would say in that situation and then doing it will calrify on so many levels. Works for me. 

Thanks for pointing that out...lol. Guess she may not be reading this anylonger.