Don’t come a’ knockin,’ SS! Hotel Dad is CLOSED!
It's sad that SS and I used to be buddies. We got along. Strangely, as he got older, he got sucked into the vortex of what he now calls "the fam"--toxic, bitter BM and MiniMe SD. It's because, I think, they cheer for him no matter how badly he behaves, they tell him he's a genius, and they apparently remind him of the evils of me and DH (boundaries and truth-telling), all the while generally enabling his colossal failings as an adult.
SS is entering the second half of his 30s. He has been unable to sustain any romantic relationship, which I've suspected has something to do with his grotesque public constant expressions of mommy adoration. This is the "kid" (adult) who would leave our home, go back to mommy, and immediately change his FB profile picture to a cheek-to-cheek mommy and me portrait. He probably uses those photos on dating apps. *blum3* SS tells us about the expensive gifts he buys for mommy; meanwhile, he never acknowledges us during the holidays or for our birthdays. I just learned today that DH stopped even sending SS cards a couple years ago (yay DH!).
So, SS has been a digital nomad, or should I say a couch surfing moocher. He has no car, no furniture, no cookware, etc. When he has "visited" us in more recent years, it has involved overstaying his welcome, mooching, and being rude. He isn't welcome here any longer. Lately, the phone calls to DH have ramped up. DH tells me that SS told him that he's "settling down," which means soon landing again at his mother's. Well, I know that's not going to work since she is temporarily in an apartment as she and MiniMe (and SIL and children) are planning to buy land in the rural area where they all just moved to create a crazyland compound of lifelong enmeshment.
I know SS is trying to butter up DH for a stay at our house when mommy gets tired of her royal prince borrowing her car, messing up her kitchen, and draining her $$$. This kind of behavior has been going on for well over 10 years. These kids are nothing if not transparent. DH knows better--that's not the issue. It's just that I hate this "try to manipulate Dad" cycle again, especially when SS KNOWS I cannot stand him being in our home.
This "kid" should feel embarrassed! I can't imagine being so dependent on a parent at his age. . . and feeling so entitled. WE ARE CLOSED.
I wish it wasn't like this but it is!
"Crazyland compound of
"Crazyland compound of lifelong enmeshment" lol I love this phrase! SS sounds like my SDs multiplied a few times. The SDs are enmeshed with NPD BM for sure, but they both have (at the moment) their own jobs and homes. If your SS is like this in his late 30s, I suspect he'll be like it all his life. As someone who left home at 17, I can't imagine, like you, being dependent on a parent at that age - it's nauseating.
No shame
I know exactly how you feel. I have SD62 on my back, or rather, on DH87's back. Still feels entitled, still has nothing going on in her life, still blaming everything and everyone for her losses. I'm sure you know what I mean. These "kids: have no shame..
Just curious
have you ever told this SS that he's not moving back in with you and DH or has DH been communicating that with him? Bravo for recognizing his BS and for not putting up with it. My OSS only contacts his father when he wants something. He called my DH 4 times last month asking if he (my DH) would be willing to sell him our truck. My DH keeps his things immaculate and OSS needed a new truck and wanted ours (we recently sold our camper and are done with camping life so OSS saw an opportunity). During the last call with obnoxious OSS asking to buy our truck I yelled very loudly in the background "we're NOT selling you our truck!!" OSS heard it and played it off like he was kidding. Pushy little bastar5. That was the end of the phone calls.
It sounds like this SS of yours has been enabled by his toxic mother all his life. Good luck to you. It's never seems to end, does it?
He has never lived with us.
He has never lived with us. He wanted to move in in his early 20s but would not agree to our rules: he had to get a regular job that he could get to via bicycle since he had somehow lost his vehicle (I don't remember if he wrecked it, it was repossessed or what). He has, though, stayed with us a few times for about 3 weeks, pretending he wanted to visit. He just needed a place to crash with a car to borrow and free food, along with what he thought was maid service.
DH told the skids several years ago that they were not coming back to our house unless they apologized to me for their spectacularly crappy behavior one holiday (and changed their behavior). SD dug in her heels; SS apologized and we had a conversation about the issues. But then his behavior grew worse. DH has confronted him about this--even told him that we both agreed he acts like "an ass." But the behavior doesn't change. The last time he was here was a very stressful time. DH had major surgery and I was working f/t and feeling like I was going to collapse with skids here to "help" (the only reason SD was allowed in) but behaving like animals, and I lost it a couple times, dropped a few F bombs and scared them.
Yes....his toxic mother has been a devastating cult-like leader influence. She demands loyalty and public adoration and has gotten it through lying, acting like a victim, and allowing all kinds of bad behavior while continuously telling the skids how super special and superior to others they are. But even she seems to get worn down by SS.
Similar to Mine
Your situation sounds similar to mine, esp. the BM bit. Your SKs sound a bit more older than mine too but I have no doubt this would somewhat be my future. You should just straight up tell your DH that there is no way SS would be staying with you. Not even for one night. He is an 'adult' by definition and if he doesn't have respect for yourself and DH and for the house rules, then he is not staying. He can go back to breastfeeding from mommy dearest and leave you guys alone.
Your BM sounds largely like mine. She could never be wrong, she is always the hero and loves her kids the most, she is their saviour and she would do anything to protect her kids, NOT. She cheated on DH, she then had another 2 kids with the guy she cheated with, who then abused her and threatened to burn down her house (with her & her 4 kids in it). She got so scared that she moved back in with her even crazier mother and then sold her house. Then she eventually broke up with that guy, and went with another guy who punched my DH on one Christmas day when we picked up the kids (he punched DH in front of one of my SDs). BM and her entire family is Crazy with a CAPITAL C. But oh, she is the hero, both SDs think she is, both SDs are always worshipping her to no end. Both SDs are now becoming more and more like her and I just cannot stand them both. I am very glad they are not ever coming to our house.
Your DH needs to put his foot down. The house that you and DH live in isn't just DH's house, but it is yours too. If you don't feel comfortable with SKs coming & staying then don't let them in, you don't have an obligation for allowing them in. I have told this to DH many number of times, especially as one of my SDs is now an 'adult' by definition and the other one is soon to be adult too. DH was not happy when I first said this, but he now understands. The SDs also already have said that they don't want to come to the house, which is excellent and works very well for me. I would not tolerate disrespect, especially not when it happens in our house. A house is supposed to be a safe space, and if they can't respect you there, then they don't come. You don't just waltz in to someone else's house and disrespect the house owner, so why would you let these brats do it to you in your house?
BM here was a cheater, too, a
BM here was a cheater, too, a cheater who carries her Bible around like a shield.
Oh, believe me, DH is totally onboard about the skids not stepping foot in our house again. Since 2012 - 2013, he has primarily seen them outside of our home.
Agreed.
I am going to take this one step further...if I am disrespected in any capacity, that person will never be allowed the opportunity to step into my house. Honesty and accountablility are bare minimums standard for me, if a person can't deliver it's a hard pass for me.
Time to roll out the mommy
Time to roll out the mommy facts for these toxic mommy minions.
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Keep them front and center with full official documentation and any notable circumstancial information that build on her past proven behavioral crap. Lather, rinse, repeat......................................................................... etc...........................
Never stop. Apply the same strategy with the kidults who are propegating mommy's toxicity.
The only chance these kids have or being decent people is to feel the pain of the consequences of their actions over, and over, and over again until the pain ovewhelms whatever benefit they are getting from being toxic.
KISS
He does. Then they run to
He does. Then they run to mommy with what he has said (it's unreal), and the cycle of being angry (them toward us/DH) begins all over again. It's like a clown show. No. It IS a clown show. A really old one. They don't have chances of being decent people. That train rolled out a long time ago. They are well into adulthood.
Whether they get mad about
Whether they get mad about the facts or not, the facts need to be kept front and center. We have had to do that with both my DW's family, and with the toxic blended family opposition.
Neither of them like it, but... when their noses are scrubbed in the stench emitting factual stain on their life carpet, eventually they gain some clarity and their bullshit is minimized.
When the toxic SKids get hurt fee fees over mommy's hurt fee fees regarding the facts, is the prime time to reiterate the facts. Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
If they get mad at daddy, daddy and you need to be clear that BM is the one who perpetrated the facts and the SKidults need to keep that front and center in their minds instead of crying about it.
IMHO of course.
The kicker is that the facts
The kicker is that the facts are placed in their faces when/because THE SKIDS BRING UP THE ISSUES! Looking back (never thought about this before), I suppose they do this in order to use your technique in reverse: To convince DH he was a bad father who "abandoned" his children and that their holy cult-leader mommy did nothing wrong. She did not cheat (uh -- these kids KNOW BM's BF left his wife and moved in with them immediately after DH moved out -- they were there). She was "the only one there" for them, blah blah blah blah.
It started just a few months after we got married: SD visited us and "confronted" DH when they were alone ("abandonment" "leaving mom"). It was the first time he was honest/forthright with her about her mother having an affair and throwing him out of the house. Within that year, BM moved the skids with her BF several hours away (they had to avoid humiliation in their town)--yet the story is that DH is the one who moved away. Anyway, SD pouted the rest of her visit with us. When we took her to the airport, she was still pouting. She went home, confronted her mother, and there was a huge blow-up. BM was calling, screaming at DH, and SD did not speak to us for two years as her mother worked her cult magic on her.
SD only began communicating with DH again when cash was needed.
Meanwhile, through the years, SS has periodically continued to dig into it with DH (about the divorce). The most recent time was just 2 years ago. I said to DH, "My God, when are they going to let this go?!?!?" -- DH and BM have been divorced for 25 years! Once again, it appeared the skid, in his 30s now, went home to mommy with what DH said to him, confronted her again, and soon enough fell under the cult-magic spell, as he again grew more distant (and ruder) to us.
It's as if they feel the need to convince DH he is the bad guy responsible for all bad things in their lives while they aim to cleanse their mother's "record." Who even gives a crap at this point in time? My God! It all just keeps remnants of engagement alive, which is what BM always wanted. "I'm here! I'm here! I will continue this battle until my death, and thereafter, if possible!"
I wish one of them would bring it up to me one day because I'd tell them to get the F over it: their parents, like many parents, got a divorce a very very long time ago. At this point, it doesn't even matter why! They are no longer married! Boo hoo! Move on, losers! (And I say this as a "child of divorce.")
TIme for the desk top guide
TIme for the desk top guide of facts. Compile it, have it on hand to beat the Skids with any time they re-engage after drinking the BM cult Kook-Aid. Anything they say, counter with the facts. Give them a copy of it when they are leaving to return to CultLand. Print another copy and have it on hand for phone calls, or future visits.
There is no reason for the quality side to accept the bullshit from the shallow and pulluted side of a kid's gene pool. THe fact is that BM was cheating with a married man, she kicked out the Skid's father, the married man left his wife and family to regularly mount their mother, and she and cheat stepdaddy had to take them and run because their bullshit was known in their previous town.
Lather...... rinse....... repeat........ The facts are incontestable. Keep them fresh, keep them front and center, and engage with the SKids from the high ground and the pure side of their blended family life. If that keeps them away... good riddance. If it gets them to engage from a clear position of the truth and facts. Even better.
IMHO of course.
He better be wary of the Kool-Aid at mommy's place.
It says alot when a kidult is kicked out by their cult leader mommy.
No. Just say No. what means NO
NO Is a complete sentence. SS will not spend the night with you, definitely not staying for any length of time. Once he moves in and changes his facebook profile to him and DH. How are you going to get him out. A nice dinner at Applebees. And on his way