Don't know what to do
Hi, new to the forum. Thought I was going mad with the way I was feeling until I found this forum.
I have a 21 year old SD, been wih her dad for 15 years so have already had lots of ups and downs.
My SD has never been what you would call a 'coper' - the smallest thing can set her off, getting a row for something she has done wrong, a fallen out with friends and its a complete drama/melt down (but always everyone elses fault). Then when she was about 14 she started suffering from panic attacks - neither myself or her dad has ever witnessed one - but she can textbook describe how it feels. I have tried to support her although I wasn't convinced (never stopped her going to an event, party etc)
Her mum has remarried aswell and moved to a different town, leaving my SD in a 3 bedroomed house by herself. We were concerned at the time that she wasn't ready to live by herself but she wanted to give it a go - throughout this past year, she has told people that she is depressed, posting on social media about wanting to harm herself - she has been to the Drs who signed her off work but didn't think she was depressed. Again, I feel like this depression only comes to light mon-fri. I have transferred money pretty much every month into her account as she needs money for electricity or something (and it wasn't her idea to live by herself) - but recently I have felt like I am being used - I never see her (asked her to stay, for tea, to go to lunch) and the only text messages I get are "how are you? can I borrow £" (I never see it again) - she doesn't text/call her dad either unless she needs something. We have suggested to her many times that she is maybe lonely and that she could move in with us or get a friend to live with her and whilst she agrees about the lonliness, it never happens. Her dad and I feel like we need to say No to her but when we do it creates another crisis and whilst I don't think she would ever harm herself, I also don't want to take that chance so feel like we are being emotionally blackmailed.......then her mother texted her dad to say that he needs to give his daughter money because she is having a tough time - I feel like we are paying for her mothers house - she chose to keep it on when she moved away.
My SD isn;t a bad person and I think a lot of it is learned behaviour (her mum appears to behave similarly) but its really beginning to get to me and I'm starting to resent her - to the point where I'm thinking if this is going to be how it is for the rest of our lives, is that really what I want? Although I love my husband dearly and our marriage is solid otherwise. He agrees with me but feels stuck in the middle and doesn't want to upset her - he has only given her a row once in her life when she was about 12 (and was thoroughly deserved) and she then refused to stay for 1 month (or even step foot in our house) because she was scared of her dad! It broke him and when she did eventually come up, I had a chat with her about her choice of words and that she knows full well her dad would never harm a hair on her head!
Sorry for the long post/rant but its been quite theraputic!
To end the emotional
To end the emotional blackmail you have to be willing to suffer the meltdown that comes with ending it. If she threatens to harm herself, call the authorities to check on her. She sounds stunted emotionally, and walking on eggshells on her only compounds the problem.
Wean her off the wallet by giving her a set amount at the beginning of the month and not a penny more. She will have to learn to budget. Paying for BM's house is mentally abusive in my mind. No way in hell it would happen in my house.
Boundaries have to be put in place, as its happening now, any retirement funds you could be investing for yourselves is going down the SD drain. Time for her to grow up.
As someone who suffers from
As someone who suffers from panic attacks, I can relate to the struggles your SD has. However, it doesn't stop most people from working or socializing. She needs to learn to cope with life and she will never do that if you and your DH don't stop enabling her. You need to make her stand on her own two feet. As far as giving her money, you should cut her off. What is the point of having a relationship with her if you have to buy it?
Your DH needs to realize that he is seriously doing a disservice to his daughter. And as far as the money goes, I agree with you. Her mom is using your DH to keep her house. She left SD in a house that is too big for her to afford. If BM wants her daughter to keep living there, she should pay for it.
Yes cut her off. If BM is
Yes cut her off. If BM is giving her free rent then it’s free rent. If she is coming to you for spending money that’s another story. But if she is open about it going to pay for electricity at BMs house that’s shady of BM and a big no no. If she needs food offer to bring her groceries one time. If she needs transportation offer to give her a ride once. But if she is calling for money to pay her electricity bill tell her you can’t help but offer help in other ways. If she can’t make it on her own she needs a come to Jesus meeting with DH and you and she needs to get out of BMs house if BM is going to just leave her there to fend for herself. It sounds like she is very immature and helpless. When I was 21 I had a full time job with benefits, my own car, and my own place .
You are definitely being held
You are definitely being held as emotional hostages. You and your husband are going to have to put an end to that or it will go on forever and the girl will NEVER cope on her own.
BM can send the daughter money to pay the bills at HER house, that she left the daughter in. There is just absolutely no way I would be maintaining BM's house. That is just ludicrous.
Parents who are afraid to upset their children are doing a great disservice and are actually crippling them.
Let her meltdown - too bad so sad
I agree with the other poster who said let her meltdown and if she threatens to harm herself just call authorities but stay out of it. It is my firm belief anyone who does the, "I'm going to harm myself if you don't......" aren't going to do diddly squat. It's just a way to get a knee jerk reaction.
I would sit her down, tell her the money is cut off and that the harm talk isn't going to get any response from either of you. Even if she does try something turn her over to the authorities to handle her and don't play into it. I would say, "it seems you really do need professional help so we're going to need to step back and let the professionals help you." She is just working you both. Life is short and marriages are precious. Screw that idiotic behavior controlling your life and happiness.
Agree
My ex and I adopted two older children. Besides being born to an alcoholic BM which created all sorts of problems, they had been thrown from one Foster Home to another. When the oldest one was in her late teens she started threatening suicide whenever she didn't like my reaction to what she did, including having a party in my home with people having sex in my bed and leaving it to me to clean up. She also had problems with drugs and alcohol. She is now almost 50 years old and still has the same MO. Still threatens suicide to get what she wants or get some stranger's pity - and money.
Your advice to contact authorities and stay out of it is spot on. No one should be held hostage.