estranged stepkids who I thought loved me

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I have been a stepmom for over a decade. I thought my stepkids loved me. They called me mama and let me into their lives. Then a few years ago, everything changed. My stepdaughter (at the time was 15) attempted to end her life and wrote a goodbye note. Their mom passed away when they were all very young. She said her good byes and I love yous in the note and a bye to her dad, but that his marriage to me is what led her to be discouraged in life. She accused me of treating "our" kids better and that she felt to unloved at home that she couldn't go on with life and wanted to join her real mom who would have loved her if she was alive.

Thank god the attempt was unsuccessful and she was put into therpy, but her siblings became very cold to me and their dad and our kids together. They accused us of almost killing their sister and that they they didn't trust any of us. They told my husband that they loved him but didn't trust him to think with his brain over his dick and that he should be ashamed that he didn't see how miserable their sister was. They said it was not their jobs as siblings to take care of her and that its his job as a father to be a parent and that they were in college and couldn't be there to watch her. DH already felt so awful that he didn't notice that our girl wasn't ok and this broke him completely.

He wasn't invited to grduations and weddings and the birth of grandchildren. They don't trust him. We got into a fight and he asked me what the hell I did to them to make her give up on life. He says he can't lose his children. I don't know what to do

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth ...

... it is to have a thankless child."

--William Shakespeare, King Lear, ca.1605.

Which is to say, this is not a unique or new problem. But it hurts as much as it ever did. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

As to your DH, f*ck him for trying to place blame on you for the behavior of his mentally ill crotchling. It looks like he's going to have to choose between pleasing his wife or pleasing his crotchlings. Tough for him, but the corrrect solution is obvious to me. I hope he sees it too.

The kids don't even blame me

The kids don't even blame me anymore. They apologized for their behavior. They still don't like me though. They blame DH for not looking out for her. They say he is a bad dad. He blames me

Sounds like everyone is

Sounds like everyone is looking for someone to blame. If people always knew the inner thoughts of others then there would be no suicides but the reality is that many people don't see the warning signs or the warning signs are covered up well and there's no blame in that.

I am so sorry for what you have been through, especially how unsuppportive your DH is being. I would seriously reconsider if you want to stay with a man who would rather blame you for something so awful than look at his own failings.

Horrible

It is absolutely horrible and unfair for your DH to blame you for the communication crisis with his kids. He needs to hear cold, hard facts: Her own siblings refuse to take any responsibility for helping their sister through this and you will not take responsibility for any of it at all - period.

Hope you have a bit of money saved up. If not, start putting it away in a 'disaster relief fund' in the event DH continues to use you as a scape goat. Don't put up with it - just don't!!

the siblings are close. They

the siblings are close. They were in college when it happened and says DH was the parent and his job is to take care of his minor child. They get along with "our" kids now too. They apologized to me for blaming me but still dislike me and told me that it is not personal but that the suicide note haunts them. They are still so angry at DH

With every derogatory reply

With every derogatory reply you get re your husband I notice you telling everyone, to include yourself, that the kids aren't blaming you anymore. Yes, they are. You say yourself that they are still "mad" at you. That means they still blame you on some level. I agree with Sandy that you should prepare for a possible departure down the line by saving up money on the down low. Your husband won't take responsibility for his own child and may take what he "thinks" is an easy road-ditching you. Notice I didn't say responsibility for causing his daugther to attempt suicide because that was her choice and for many reasons, not just his possible emotional neglect of her. She likely has reasons for wanting to escape pain that you may not even know about.

As I was reading your initial story I couldn't help but think that supernatural powers want to take down your marriage and thereby hurt everyone. I hope you and your husband at the least will go get counseling so this ship doesn't sink. I hope it all works out.

In this blame game that your

In this blame game that your DH is playing, has he ever directed any of the blame on himself? You said when they were younger they got along well with you. It sounds like you were a warm caring person in their lives. You're not their parent, you're not even required to be warm and caring. Just distantly polite would've been acceptable as their dad's wife. It seems like your stepkids have recognised that and hence their apology. It sucks but also makes sense why they don't want a relationship with you. I think it's less about dislike because they need a personal reason not to like you and they don't have one. It's just that your presence triggers them into remembering how shitty their dad was so they want to distance themselves from that.

No I don't regret how I

No I don't regret how I treated them. I wouldn't have married their father if I couldn't love those kids like my own and I do. I would never be distantly polite. It was their home too and they deserve to have a space that is warm and welcoming. Their mother passed and she wrote a note to her husbands future wife and and her kids stepmom and thanked her for taking care of her husband and being there for her children. This letter was given to me on my wedding day by his late wife's family. I will always treasure this letter. She wrote similar letters to her kids telling them to accept their dad's new wife and I think these letters helped.This is more a husband issue and not a kid issue. My SD is doing so much better. Even she apologized for scaring me and the letter and sent me flowers and some of her beautiful artwork. DH can't forgive himself for missing the signs and is thus blamig me. I get it, I also feel guility, but I know its not my fault. I dont know why he blames me

Oh for fk's sake. People,

Oh for fk's sake. People, teens especially, have breakdowns, depression, and anxiety for a variety of reasons. For all of these dramatic a-holes, including your husband, to blame you is ridiculous. Especially your husband since he is the "adult." I hope the SD is in therapy and that your husband told the college aged siblings that their blame, especially while saying they can do nothing, is unacceptable. What a load of soap-opera trash. It has to be hard to lose your mother at a young age. To say it's your marriage's fault is crap. Your husband needs to do better.

no. My stepkids apologized

no. My stepkids apologized for blaming me on their own.

I'm sorry you had to go

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Child rearing is a hard and thankless job but it's definitely not your fault. I hope your DH apologies to you and that you feel better.

Has DH ever gone to

Has DH ever gone to counseling to deal with his feelings about his child's attempt?

no

I feel like we are missing

I feel like we are missing some information here. Why do they blame DH and you so much?

I have 3 (step)kids. The two

I have 3 (step)kids. The two older ones are very angry at DH for not looking out for their little sister. They say they don't blame me but that the letter in which she blamed me (suicide note) haunts them.

Younger SD who attempted doesn't talk to her dad but asked me to lunch because she missed me. DH will be so angry if I go without him but they don't want him around.

I get that, but what do they

I get that, but what do they feel he didn't do? Was he working a lot? Did he ignore signs of depression? Did he refuse to get her therapy?

He missed the signs of her

He missed the signs of her depression. I know this is hindsight, but she went from being very active to very tired and stayed in bed. We thought she needed rest. We had no idea

I still feel like there is

I still feel like there is more here, given how angry they are at him. Was there anyone else in the family feeding their belief that he failed your SD? Otherwise it's odd for people to totally cut out a parent without good reason.

his parents. He has never had

his parents. He has never had a good relationship with him but they love their grandkids

Okay, that makes much more

Okay, that makes much more sense now. They are acting like alienated kids, because they ARE alienated kids.

Why does your DH blame you and not them?

He wasn't invited to

--------------------------------

His kids already made adult decisions to kick him out of his life.

Edit to add: I say that with compassion. The fact is they did and that is a reality. I would imangin, depending on their audience, they will continue to blame their dad for not having a relationship with them. It's a very weird family dynamic.

You must realize you do not have the power to make his adult kids think or act differently. I think it is gross the way his adult kids are acting.