First time user, long time upset
I have been married to dh for 5 years. He has two adult children in their 30's. I came into this family with an open mind and naive to think adult sk would be drama free. Having had small sk's in my first marriage I assumed adult kids would play nice. Boy was I wrong!!!!! The ss has always been ok. Typical guy in not partaking in drama. I actually like him. Aside from his new wife stirring the pot talking about things she should t have when she was new in the family I learned quickly to say nothing to ss wife about anything except the weather.
SD has always been a bitch. I've even tried to even be friends calling her back n forth but it was exhausting as everything is ALWAYS ABOUT HER!! She's always upset about something....my dh met me soon after his ex ended their long marriage. It began with he's dating too soon, he's getting too serious with her, she's got young kids, she's a few years older than me, he's getting married to her too fast...it goes on and on. She's always bitching about something. He doesn't see the grandkids enough, he doesn't go to gk sporting events enough. ALWAYS COMPLAINING!!! I've finally decided to just embrace the chill toward me. She ignores our anniversary, my bday, my kids bdays but dad gets cards for his bday and fathers day. When we are together and she introduces someone to us she only addresses her dad then he has to turn to me and say "and this is my wife.....". Total bitch. We don't even hug anymore which I hated doing as that to me is for someone you have kind feelings toward. Barf on the emotional fakeness!!! Her kids are the same way. I've gotten a vibe from them mama talks shit about me which would explain their distance. My dh doesn't ever seem to fault her and wants to blame me for him not being closer to his kids. I called bullshit on that and told him he was grown and could see them whenever he wants as my permission is not required. The ex wife you ask??? Let's just say sd comes by her bitchiness honest meaning she gets it from mom.
Well, it's hard to like her
Well, it's hard to like her because she's all wrapped up in a bunch of stuff that, given her age and her dad's age, is really none of her damn business.
When your kids are in their 30's, it's natural to have your own life that doesn't continue to revolve around raising them. Grandparents don't have to attend every sporting event their grandkids have. It sounds like she is just trying to find fault with you. It's none of her business. As far as marginalizing you when interacting with her father, that is disrespectful and rude. I'm surprised your DH isn't embarassed that she behaves that way. I would slap the impertinance off one of my kids for treating ANYONE with that level of disrespect. It's just not how they were raised.
I'm glad to hear what you
I'm glad to hear what you have to say. I have always been nice to them and she's always been distant. I never ever object to him wanting to go see them but he feels it's my job I believe to initiate dinners at our house a few times a year. I don't do this. Now if he were to say hey let's invite them over for dinner then yes, I'm in. I will always be pleasant and welcome them into our home. I feel dh is to blame to a degree by not putting his foot down early on as far as making them understand they need to accept me as part of the family. If it were me and my kids treated him as I've been treated I'd be throwing down with the ultimatums by saying they need to treat him as you do me. If you can't send him a bday call or text or email then don't bother sending me one. Our anniversary is xxxxxx so put that on your calendar as well. That's what I would do for him but then I'm not afraid of my kids being mad at me like he is. I did ask once very sweetly if he would mention to them that it would mean a lot to all of us to be recognized on important dates. I told dh if he would do that for me and they still ignored me and my kids then I can accept that they are just jerks but with him refusing to even make a simple request on my behalf has perpetuated the anger I've had at times re: the adult sk's. But let me tell you this- when something happens to him they will be nothing but a pain in my ass, mainly the sd. I guess I won't be so invisible then huh??? Oh and btw he's left everything to me in our will and I mean EVERYTHING.
"That's what I would do for
"That's what I would do for him but then I'm not afraid of my kids being mad at me like he is."
That's really all you need to say. Here is the root cause of all your problems. This daughter of his and his grandkids being mad at him is his priority. They squeak, therefore they get oiled. You, on the other hand, have tolerated his bad behavior. You get nothing. Whoever will make his life the most miserable wins. Pathetic, but true.
We moved at Christmas one yr
We moved at Christmas one yr and were unable to have the usual Christmas get together because we were unpacking from the Dec 23rd move. OH MY GOSH!!!! In Jan Dh got a call from his sd carrying on crying and YELLING at him for not being able to spend the holidays with her which apparently was a first and sd will be scarred for life now (sarcasm) then she ripped on me for not including his kids and grandkids in a "family" photo. It was just he and I and my smaller kids for a snapshot my friend took that I sent in our Christmas cards. They have their own lives and families so it never even occurred to me it was hurtful. Funny tho when we show up for a bday thing at her house months later that same picture is on her mantle with other things in front of it and the ONLY person you can see in the photo is dh. She's a crazy jealous whack job I tell ya!!!
No I'm not younger than my
No I'm not younger than my sk's.. I'm 8 yrs older than sd. My kids are the same age as sd's. That was an issue for her too. DH is not the sk's bio dad but he raised them since they were very small. They do not use step in referencing the other. Bio dad isn't really in the picture and there was no formal adoption. DH considers my sd and ss as his children as they do him being their dad. DH ex wife was older than him by 3 yrs.
I guess my biggest complaint
I guess my biggest complaint is I'm tired of being treated as a mistress who broke up this family. I met him a few months after the divorce was final. I had nothing to do with their split and the sk's know this yet I'm treated like such an outsider. I see them treat other newbies to the family very nicely and it hurts.
Good point....nope she's not
Good point....nope she's not my cup of tea had I met her outside this marriage. I, for my dh, always send his kids/their spouses bday, anniv and christmas cards. The same for the two grandkids. Some may say its no big deal and in the big scheme of things it probably isn't but it hurts to see dh recognized and yet I'm not. I've decided within the last yr or two it's not worth bringing up to dh as it always falls on deaf ears. My parents aren't divorced nor are dh parents. I was brought up to at least try and do the right thing. I would like to think I would never make one of my parents new spouses feel left out if they were divorced and remarried. I've been told by my mil and 2 sil's that sd is probably jealous that I brought kids into the marriage causing hers to not be the center of attention. I've believed that to a point. I know she and dh have lunch once a month (was doing that before we met) and I've never been invited one time to join them. I came to see that as "their" time alone. When dh voiced concerns to dh about her being aloof or distant to me she always had the same response "but what exactly have I done?". I finally told dh it's what she doesn't do that upset me. So I resolve myself to the fact that there'll always be a reason for her distance and I'm just embracing it now which actually has reduced my upsets tremendously. I am waiting for dh to notice and then I will tell him I asked for his help before and he didn't want to get involved so I'm handling it my way now by just continuing to smile, say hello/goodbye and stand by him at events where she may be.
Stepaside, your advice is so
Stepaside, your advice is so good. "Just don't paint it like his punishment." I agree - this is crucial. I disengaged from SD over a year ago and have never been sorry for doing so. As time goes on, as you say, I have less and less desire to re-engage. DH is free to see SD whenever he wants - just not in our home. I do not go on about my dislike for SD, or her behavior, nor do I remind him of how much he disappointed me. I wouldn't be gaining anything. But be prepared if he chooses to stay and work at the marriage. When you are no longer available to use as a whipping post, SD will search for another target for her rage. So she may choose to take it out on DH, and she WILL "paint it like punishment". This allows DH to see SD in another light, to see that possibly you were not imagining things. As far as SD acknowledging my birthday, our anniversary, etc., she has been downright hostile if DH mentions it. But from what I've recieved from her at Christmas, if she remembers, I am glad she doesn't send me anything. LOL
You are so right in this
You are so right in this post... i have 2 Sd and they are rude, selfish and uncaring.. they expect their Dad to send them a card or a gift and buy them things at Christmas i will not continue I have been in their lives since they were 7 and 11 and they have nothng to do with us unless we call them. They dont send me or my hubby a card or anyhting and never even acknowledge our birthdays etc.. they are spoiled rotten adults as well as they were kids with their Mother telling them my hubby didnt pay enough support to buy snacks. they spend money on tatoos piercings and tanning beds and mommy pays for everything but bitches and complains we will not help out well my hubby paid enough and these girls are adults and still feel as though they are owed by dad, i cannot stand to be around them everything is always drama and they are jealous of our 3 grandkids . the youngest which is 18 just left college because she was so homesick claims she has depression and on meds but seems very happy and normal Hubby is RN and says the same thing thinks she is doing it for the attention she gets from BM wierd things happen to kids when their parents get divorced but hubby says mom has created monsters and mom has let them make theri own decisions since very young age I just dont bother with them anymore makes my life easier and i dont need it
I think the SD is way out of
I think the SD is way out of line. It is interesting that Dh is not even her real father. She has major issues. Sounds like her mom spent her life chasing off men and she took the brunt of the emotional loss.
She is permanently damaged at this point. You are right to just stay away...but as for DH even thinking it is OK to blame you for any of it...he is completly wrong for that. He chose a relationship with you. It's not your fault that his own SD that he raised as his own is messed up.
I have raised my SD since she was 3...she is now 19...and I do not intend that she will be running our lives when she is 30 and has her own kids. We will still be raising our family and she is not about to be laying any guilt trips on us about what time we spend with her.
Thirty year old women should have their own lives...not be trying to make others miserable.
Where I majorly screwed up in
Where I majorly screwed up in the beginning was assuming grown kids would be easier to deal with. This marriage has been more eye opening for me then my first marriage was. Even my sil who sympathizes with me about the sd said "I have no idea what to tell you about her. She just needs to grow up and accept that you are part of this family." sd went to a wellness retreat to improve self esteem or something like that as I heard my mil telling dh awhile back and mil mentioned how she thinks it has really helped. Whatever. She's nearing 40....yes there's some issues. Sd gives the impression she's all that when obviously she's not as together as she'd like folks to think.