Grand Children... already?!?!
Now, partly perhaps this is my own fault for not thinking this through. After all, DP had his children VERY young (19, 21, 23)... it was inevitable there would be babies along the way at some point. I just did'n think it would be so soon. We've been together 2 years. I have 1 DD from previous marriage, she's only 6 and I felt my family wasn't quite complete yet...
All SSkids dislike me (they've never met me and have no desire to do so of course as their BM has given them an ultimatum that if they ever speak to me they will be disowned). No skin off my nose to be honest, they're not exactly the type of people I would want in my DD's life right now... Anyhoooo... SS23 now has a baby...which may not be his baby, which appeared out of nowhere (shes 1 now I believe) but the girlfriend claims is his...(scary moment no.1) Then there is SD21...she is now pregnant. And I feel horror. Am I the worst person in the world to feel this way? These people have been so disrespectful, rude and hateful to both myself and DP. He is currently refusing to speak to any of them, but they continue to be abusive saying everything is his fault, and the BM fuels it with her poison. He hasn't spoken to them in around 2 months now, but the abuse still continues on social media etc by SD21. Anyway... at the moment it's quite quiet. He's not communicating with them, and all is rather peaceful. But I know the date is looming when that baby will be born.
DP and I had talked about having a child of our own perhaps in the next year or two. But in the course of 6 months there are now two grandchildren... I did NOT think about Grandchildren. DP says it wont change him and he wont talk to the kids until they apologise to both of us (I think don't hold your breath!) and of course I have NO problem whatsoever him having a relationship with them when its all calmed down. But I really don't feel after all has been said that I care to have a relationship with them. I feel very odd about his daughter being pregnant, when we have been trying to have a baby ourselves...this is just such unchartered and quite terrifying territory for me...
I raise my DD6 quite differently from how these self indulgent, enabled grown-up 'kids' behave, and I am really quite nervous that DP will now want to play happy families when the new grandchild arrives. I'm not ready for this... I hadn't completed my own young family...I dont want to spend time cooing over a baby whos mother cannot even stand me! I even feel strange thinking about my partner now being a grandfather at such a young age... do I run for the hills? We love each other deeply... but I am scared that my worries are consuming me right now... what about christmas? holidays?... will I be expected to become a caring stepmother and stepgrandparent? Because I really don't think I can do it.
Am I going to hell for thinking this way?!! Is it just me?
If sshits are not in your
If sshits are not in your life, what makes you think their kids will be? It would probably be a good idea just to let it go and focus on your dh and dd. Dont deal with drama that is not knocking on your door. And if this particular drama does knock on your door, smile and send them on to their bm's house. Just my .02$ }:)
They're not in our life
They're not in our life yet... but DP is hoping in the near future they will come around once they see what BM has actually been up to. (poisoning them for the past 2 yrs)... to be honest I think they will always be this way, flitting from one side to the other. I am concerned however that he will want me to be a part of it when the pendulum swings back in our direction. (believe me it will when they need money or something for the new baby!)
When I say havent met me, I
When I say havent met me, I mean in the flesh... there's been skype, emails, facebook and txts..
I guess I'm worried incase DP
I guess I'm worried incase DP has second thoughts, and feels weird about having a young family again when his current offspring are now having their own babies and he has a new role...
Maybe I should just stop bl**dy worrying about everything!
Hi there Old Dart I'm 37...
Hi there Old Dart
I'm 37... he is 42. His older two are 21 and 23...
I am under no illusion he will want to be an active grandparent, and I would never for a second discourage that. He says he doesn't want that right now, that he feels too young, but I have no doubt that when the baby comes along he will of course feel differently. Also, the BM is laying on the guilt trip that he's being such a terrible father and has deserted his 'children'... he does feel torn I know...
I don't want him to feel obliged into having a baby with me, when he should be enjoying being a grandparent. I also feel guilty that being with me might prevent that because of the way his children despise his relationship with me.
Urg, these second families are so hard are they not?!
Once grandkids start being
Once grandkids start being born bioparents race to be in their lives.
This is not always true.
That happened to me too. My
That happened to me too. My ss had a child a few months after I was married (he was not). I just say focus on your life. Do nothing, if they care to include you, fine. My ss was very generous and called me g-ma right away. Shortly thereafter he and MIL, SDIL met me for lunch with 2yr old sgrandson and said over and over that only "MIL WAS THE Grandma (uhhh, she's g-gma)... SHE (me) was jennaspace (my first name)". They grabbed him and pointed at me and then my MIL throughout the lunch. It was a nightmare. This when I had my small child a few months old with me and had post partum.
For the next 2 yrs (no joke). At every family gathering MIL would remark how she was the only "g-ma". The birth gmas had chosen other names, I was to be called by my first. Real kind folk.
I can only say I wish I would have focused on my son more and not on trying to make peace with his family. I felt like an appendage of my DH's that was not supposed to make anyone any more uncomfortable than my mere presence already did.
If I could tell my newly married self anything it would be... do nothing. Focus on your family. If they welcome you in let your DH buy the gifts etc.. to protect yourself from becoming bitter when they are rude about it (e.g. tell g-pa "thank you" as the kids walk around you). I mean that really, not out of spite, but to avoid the hurt and resentment that can build.
Don't make the mistake of worrying about them. Let DH have as much of a relationship as he wants and leave it at that. If they welcome you in, treat as you would any other adult you just met. One of our biggest problems as new SMs was that we tried too hard because we wanted to bring the family together or show good intentions. This will probably not work and will leave you tired and angry.
Let me reiterate... because I focused on his family, I really lost out on my family. I had never been married before and was just figuring it out. MIL really capitalized on that. Please don't waste your time worrying about them. You will lose out on this important time of your marriage and motherhood.
Urg jennaspace that must have
Urg jennaspace that must have been a truly awful time for you!! I must say I am quite nervous of what the next year will hold for us. I guess the best thing for me to do is to just concentrate on us and see what unfolds... and don't do anything I don't want to! Must remember that bit!!!
It really was. The funny
It really was. The funny thing is, I never called myself gma. First my ss did and then my DH did. It made MIL and SDIL very angry. Ss did not want to marry SDIL so I think she didn't want me to feel validated either.
I'm glad you are here now to try to navigate this. The less you try (and I mean even if they show some good will, that's when we try the most) the better chance you will have at maintaining peace with them and protecting your little family.
For me personally, if I
For me personally, if I hadn't of had my bio child with my DH I would have felt swallowed up by my MIL (esp) and his family. I'm unique in that I moved by DH and his family and no family of my own out here.
I have Step grandkids that are my son's age. I don't care what anyone thinks honestly. I call it a Jerry Springer type family as a joke. He just married young (1st time) and I married late. Even if that weren't the case, I wouldn't want to make the mistake of letting other's opinions determine whether or not I had a child with DH.
I actually think having a child together forms a strong bond. It gave me my own little family w/DH which I love. It's my first child though, I may have felt differently if I already had kids.
Thank you jennaspace, I'm
Thank you jennaspace, I'm glad I'm here now too! You really did get put through the mill didn't you!!!
I think there is a lot of food for thought there, thank you Old Dart! DP doesn't want to look at the future too far, and how it may affect us, I feel because he doesn't want to rock the boat with his relationship with me. But I would be doing him and 'us' a huge misjustice if I pretended I am okay with everything right now, only for it to blow up in our faces in the future.
I'm trying not to let my heart rule on this one. I do feel very protective over my own DD at the moment, and feel quite odd about grandchildren coming into play so soon. My own insecurites and worries no doubt...and like you say Old Dart, that's why I'm here. To try and make sense of this and try to fix it before it becomes an enormous white elephant in our relationship! So much thinking to do... I do consider myself quite immature in a grown-up 'parent' sense. Don't get me wrong, I have a good career and DD is my world...but I didn't think I was ready for a child at 30, let alone a step grandparent at 37! Poor DP. :/
Hebe, that's when I became a
Hebe, that's when I became a step grandparent! I really didn't mind, esp since I had no children yet. It's really what you make of it. 37 is just so young to be a g-ma it seemed more novel than anything.
Just be busy with your marriage and kids (if you chose to have) so you don't focus on them.
I hated when people said things like this to me, but fertility rapidly drops after 40. Just something to think about.
You may get called by your first name as they don't know you. If that seems disrespectful to you, you can come up with a name like "Mimi" or "Nana" so it's more neutral. In the south we do Ms. first name. It's cute and sounds more respectful than a child using your first name IMO.
And no, I don't think its the
And no, I don't think its the end of the world if we don't have a child together, although right now it does seem to be a topic of conversation rather often! I know we would look back and pine for that in the future if we did'nt....you know, sharing something so special together, but I also realise how fortunate I am to have DD. She will be all grown up in 11 years...we could always just be those cool grandparents that are just too busy out partying after that I guess!
Sounds quite a similar
Sounds quite a similar situation Jennaspace! He just married young and I married late also, hence the great difference in our children's ages! I'm acutely aware that the clock is ticking for me and do feel that a child would complete our little 'family'.
He had a vasectomy as he was never planning on having more children after his last, but he was one of the 0.5% that it failed on...he says things happen for a reason he cant think of anything more beautiful than having a child with me. *sigh* i just don't want to bring a baby into something that could turn out to be a nightmare with his SKids! I suppose time will tell if the SKids will ever warm up to our relationship...and I dont know how DP will feel once he becomes a fullfledged grandparent to be honest. I think he might feel very different about then having his own baby again? I'm just surmising but I can't believe it won't change how he feels... *shrug*
Old Dart, thank you... and yes there is an awful lot of broken glass. The BM has done a stirling job so far of drip feeding each one venom until they all eventually exploded and turned on us both. Things were not too bad at all for a time, they were happy that their dad had found love, and agreed that their parents were better off apart a long time ago. But BM provides the roof over their head you see, (the 23 year old doesn't work, and has moved in a girlfriend and a baby she 'claims' is his!) food, bills... (House etc all paid for by DP while he can't even afford anything for himself - dont they realise?! Grrr) while their Father 'doesnt care about them' apparently....so she will never do no wrong!
The BM has made it her hobby over the past 2 years to drill into each of them that DP doesn't care about them, what an amazing mother she is, and advertises how much she LOVES being a Parent/Grandparent to HER children and (questionable) Granddaughter and how utterly excited she is for HER new Grandbaby to come along too. She's using them all as Pawns to upset DP and exclude him. I worry he may cave-in one day because the guilt will be too much for him to bear. They have snubbed him now and I know it really hurts even though he plays it down with me.
Can anyone remove my worry gene?
Wow, mine had a vasectomy
Wow, mine had a vasectomy too. I had a baby 8 months after the reversal (vasectomy was 10 yrs old). I had my baby at 38 yrs old.
Since you are unsure, I would definitely have the reversal now! The docs will agree and can do it quickly. It takes 9-12 months for sperm to show up with a good doc.
Be very careful about who you go to. My DH went to someone who we later found out was having drug issues. He did the surgery quick and it looks like there are problems now because of it. Enough so that it's prohibited a second child, meanwhile I'm still fertile.
Dr. Turek in San Fran is excellent in terms of results. He writes multiple papers on reversals and is very well respected and knowledgeable. If you are not near CA (My DH actually flew across the country to have his) Dr. Turek could likely recommend someone who is excellent in your area. http://www.theturekclinic.com/fertility-doctor-san-francisco.html
No offense but just your statement "i just don't want to bring a baby into something that could turn out to be a nightmare with his SKids!" means you are thinking wrong. It's not about them. If you spend the six to seven years it takes to figure out that you will likely be rejected or second class regardless of your effort or good intentions, you may be pretty embittered when you realize you gave up so much for strangers who don't care for you.
Do not base any decisions on them in terms of reproduction (esp in your late 30's). They will transition to be busy adult children with little kids of their own and will certainly not be factoring you into their reproductive decisions. They will have little time to even consider you. Meanwhile you will have given up a family for them.
The sd that was obviously jealous and upset when I had a baby is now married and pregnant. She also far away. She's no longer jealous I'm sure and she's very happy to have a baby of her own. In other words, this period (your Dh's kids being childless and more involved) will pass and you will have more time with DH.
None of the skids were really nasty about it by the way. SS adores my son and has been a great half bro. Too bad his wife and gma made that relationship much more strained. SD was obviously jealous but was not mean about it. In the end, none of it matters because this will be ancient history in a few years and there will be a whole life born. Your son or daughter will just be glad to have their life with all it's adventures and challenges. His step bros and sis will be far from his mind more than likely. I don't say this to be mean but it's the truth because the age difference is so great. If they are kind and treat you well, they can be a part of his or her life. If not, it's their loss.
My husband did feel strange
My husband did feel strange being a dad again. Esp as my son was a very difficult infant. Guess what? He adores him now and wouldn't change it for anything.
p.s. I just saw your DH doesn't need a reversal, whoops! Ignore the Dr. Turek info.
If you haven't done it...
If you haven't done it... make sure you get a sperm count ASAP. Things change quickly and there may be scar tissue built up even years after a vasectomy. Even one that's failed. All you have to do is call your doc to get a prescription. It's very easy and well worth doing.
Thanks jennaspace! He did
Thanks jennaspace! He did get a fertility test done a couple of months ago, he had to call the docs to get the result and she said 'all systems go!'. He didn't get anymore details than that! lol
I guess you're right, perhaps I shouldn't be trying to cover all bases and worry so much about how their lives will impact mine and DH's. They don't live terribly close at the moment, and although they do cause issues for DH when he returns to the village, and I receive the odd abusive txt message or email (or phonecall but I managed to avoid those ones!)..apart from that, life is relatively peaceful at the moment. That is only because he has currently cut them off for their disrespectful behaviour toward him but I know that will all change soon enough and the floodgates will open again! Anyhow, I guess boundaries will then need to be set to protect us.
I guess I'm nervous about all this because I don't want to look like an ogre to DH. I don't want him to think I'm trying to push his children out of his life when I expect him to accept and live happily with DD? I have no problem him having a relationship with them of course I don't. Just don't want their moodswings and baby upon baby to affect us! He's already been accused of not caring for not handing over money to SD21 just because she's expecting! I thought that was her partners job to support them both, but apparently these days that's not the case!
So the key is...protect myself, protect our little family, don't sweat the small stuff and don't let their life choices cause US problems!
Good for the sperm count! I
Good for the sperm count! I hope it works out if you two decide to have a child. I think my DH did feel resentful at first. That's only because my son was unusually colicky. We also had major MIL problems w/her living very close and wanting me out as mom and her in. She was very controlling. If we hadn't of had those two factors we would have enjoyed that time much more.
My guess is that your DH will be thanking you as he grows to love your son or daughter.
My DH had promised me we could try for kids. Unless you promised your DH you wouldn't I wouldn't let that be a detractor.
I sound like I'm trying to talk you into having kids. I'm not. I just don't want you not to do it for reasons you will later regret. I really regret letting my MIL among others create a fog that took my mind off having other children.
I think the problems he's had
I think the problems he's had with his children lately have put him off us having a child together tbh! Its almost put me off at times too when I've thought about heading for the hills to save my sanity! But I love him, more than I ever thought possible...and I know he feels the same. We live in the UK...but he was born in the USA so we have a vision of one-day in the future moving back to the US, maybe getting a little plot of land together, rocking chairs on the verandah... horses trotting about, you can imagine..
I think it would be quiet if it were just me, him and my DD don't you? 
To be sure
To be sure
My four young grandchildren
My four young grandchildren have already received the whole trash talking game from their mothers, so they are "afraid of me". I have always gone out of my way to make their visits fun and confortable here and there is absolutelety no reason for them to feel this way so young about me. I deided to disengage after having no "thank you's" from last Christmas or birthdays. I went out of my way to pick out special individual gifts that I was sure they would love (last Christmas). No pictures taken of them opening them, and a mere phonecall from the daughter to the dad. At their tender agese, they should be learning how to do thank you notes, but no.
Now there is a new baby, and I know once it's old enough to understand, the same trash talk will occur. There is no winning. Disengage!
Its amazing the length these
Its amazing the length these people will go to just to feed their own nasty streak isnt it bostonstepmonster?
I feel rather lucky that I'm at a rather early stage of my relationship (or lack of it!) with the Skids...and I shall disengage before I've even started! It should save me a few lines and wrinkles if nothing else! I do feel sorry for poor DP though, I think he had visions of us all being one big happy family... but its really not going to happen.