Just out of curiosity, has anyone else broken free and got away from all the drama? I would love to to chat with other people to see how they are doing after they finally were pushed to their limits.
Like the other poster said....trust your gut! I wished I had listened to mine. I knew from the first time I ever saw his kids act in an inappropriate way, that his family was messed up. I tried to break away very early on because I also knew that I would not be able to handle the drama. I was always very open and honest with DH (BF at the time) explaining to him that I did not see where it could work out between us because I don't do drama and I demand respect especially if I give you respect! I guess DH took that as if I was saying if he wants me then he needs to fix his situation. Which was true, if things didn't change then I wouldn't have continued to date him, but I never asked him to do this for me. I simply told him where I stood, it was his choice. He choose to finally stand up to his sons and because of that the sons didn't talk to him for over a year. That year was actually WONDERFUL and the reason why we got married. Shortly after we got married the sons slowly started coming back and causing trouble. And of-course, I was now the blame of their relationship with their dad falling. Even though their relationship was at a distance way before I even met DH. I then became their scapegoat. Ultimately, at the end I also became DH's scapegoat too. He found it easier to blame me for their relationship problems instead of saying to them "You guys were/are acting like spoiled brats and I have to put my foot down".
I just have to say is if you aren't married yet, you are already planning an escape, then you already know your answer. Things won't change just because SD goes to college. It might even get worse.
"But I ran and blew it all away"....sometimes this thought goes through my head because I did make the choice to leave. Then I catch myself and ask myself....Are you happier now that you are out? YES Do you feel better about yourself? YES What do you think you are missing out of your life that would make you think "you blew it all away"? MISSING WHAT DH AND I ONCE HAD Do you think you could ever get it back? NO UNLESS "HE" DECIDES TO CHANGE THINGS....I have no control over that situation And my final question...Do you think you will reconcile? WHAT IS MEANT TO BE WILL HAPPEN BUT ONLY HOW IT'S SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN
Listen to your gut. It will guide you correctly more times than not. I too, would like to run away, or in my case, have DH move out. But with his latest excapade, rehab, not likely to happen any time soon.
...I think the negative drama they all share is a twisted, toxic type of bond that keeps them all prisoners of their very own man-made delusions...A very unhealthy soul tie....that I am not a part of because I did not help create all the brokeness in their lives...It was a pre=existing condition when I arrived...I really don't think they know who they are without it...It has literally become who they are...and most people I know make their decisions based on their identity and their personal core beliefs...it's deep seeded, and without an accurate remedy...they remain prisoners of their own thinking, and what they believe to be true,,,in there heart...
I think many of the issues I read about on this site, are all symptoms of a WAY deeper problem...They are all the same when you get down to it...For the life of me I have been searching what the deeper core issue is....I know the one common denominator we all have is that we have chosen to marry divorced men who have pre-existing children/with many unresolved issues ...therefore, creating all these symptoms... you can't keep beating your head up against a symptom, and expect things to get better...because if the core issue is not dealt with...another symptom pops up wearing a different mask...and the cycle begins to repeat itself over and over... where as a stepmom, you feel trapped on a merry-go-round that you cannot get off from unless you totally disengage...Well I have disengaged because, as adults now... none of them seem be working on their own issues...What the real issues are....So, I figured, if I pulled myself out completely....they would have to eventually, at the very least blame someone else...Well I had a huge epiphany, and I now realize I will never return to the merry-go-round, ever-again...nor am I going to waste any more of this precious life God gave me...just sitting there watching them...It's like watching a rerun over and over and over...sort of like the movie...ground hog day.
I'm quite uninterested in that process now, and have communicated with my H how I feel...He is finally seeing it for what it is...They still try to put Him in a position of choosing between Me or them, because it is all they know...after 25 plus years you would think they would get it...but...it goes back to their identity and their core beliefs.....they have now lowered themselves to the predictable move of pulling away the grandchildren. (A tactic taught to them by their BM) Well He has chosen...as we both leave the merry-go-round, hand in hand, running to try and catch a sunset or two...leaving all of them still on it spinning and spinning...as I look at him and say "How long do you think it will be before they notice we've left"? Then I catch myself and.... I think to myself...."That's not my problem anymore"....you can't help someone who won't let you...You can only work on yourself at getting free...and staying Free...
Like the other poster
Like the other poster said....trust your gut! I wished I had listened to mine. I knew from the first time I ever saw his kids act in an inappropriate way, that his family was messed up. I tried to break away very early on because I also knew that I would not be able to handle the drama. I was always very open and honest with DH (BF at the time) explaining to him that I did not see where it could work out between us because I don't do drama and I demand respect especially if I give you respect! I guess DH took that as if I was saying if he wants me then he needs to fix his situation. Which was true, if things didn't change then I wouldn't have continued to date him, but I never asked him to do this for me. I simply told him where I stood, it was his choice. He choose to finally stand up to his sons and because of that the sons didn't talk to him for over a year. That year was actually WONDERFUL and the reason why we got married. Shortly after we got married the sons slowly started coming back and causing trouble. And of-course, I was now the blame of their relationship with their dad falling. Even though their relationship was at a distance way before I even met DH. I then became their scapegoat. Ultimately, at the end I also became DH's scapegoat too. He found it easier to blame me for their relationship problems instead of saying to them "You guys were/are acting like spoiled brats and I have to put my foot down".
I just have to say is if you aren't married yet, you are already planning an escape, then you already know your answer. Things won't change just because SD goes to college. It might even get worse.
"But I ran and blew it all away"....sometimes this thought goes through my head because I did make the choice to leave. Then I catch myself and ask myself....Are you happier now that you are out? YES Do you feel better about yourself? YES What do you think you are missing out of your life that would make you think "you blew it all away"? MISSING WHAT DH AND I ONCE HAD Do you think you could ever get it back? NO UNLESS "HE" DECIDES TO CHANGE THINGS....I have no control over that situation And my final question...Do you think you will reconcile? WHAT IS MEANT TO BE WILL HAPPEN BUT ONLY HOW IT'S SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN
Listen to your gut. It will
Listen to your gut. It will guide you correctly more times than not. I too, would like to run away, or in my case, have DH move out. But with his latest excapade, rehab, not likely to happen any time soon.
o
o
Count me in!! I'm headed out
Count me in!! I'm headed out the door to work but I just wanted to let you know that if you leave, you will love the peace. I promise you!!
...I think the negative drama
...I think the negative drama they all share is a twisted, toxic type of bond that keeps them all prisoners of their very own man-made delusions...A very unhealthy soul tie....that I am not a part of because I did not help create all the brokeness in their lives...It was a pre=existing condition when I arrived...I really don't think they know who they are without it...It has literally become who they are...and most people I know make their decisions based on their identity and their personal core beliefs...it's deep seeded, and without an accurate remedy...they remain prisoners of their own thinking, and what they believe to be true,,,in there heart...
I think many of the issues I read about on this site, are all symptoms of a WAY deeper problem...They are all the same when you get down to it...For the life of me I have been searching what the deeper core issue is....I know the one common denominator we all have is that we have chosen to marry divorced men who have pre-existing children/with many unresolved issues ...therefore, creating all these symptoms... you can't keep beating your head up against a symptom, and expect things to get better...because if the core issue is not dealt with...another symptom pops up wearing a different mask...and the cycle begins to repeat itself over and over... where as a stepmom, you feel trapped on a merry-go-round that you cannot get off from unless you totally disengage...Well I have disengaged because, as adults now... none of them seem be working on their own issues...What the real issues are....So, I figured, if I pulled myself out completely....they would have to eventually, at the very least blame someone else...Well I had a huge epiphany, and I now realize I will never return to the merry-go-round, ever-again...nor am I going to waste any more of this precious life God gave me...just sitting there watching them...It's like watching a rerun over and over and over...sort of like the movie...ground hog day.
I'm quite uninterested in that process now, and have communicated with my H how I feel...He is finally seeing it for what it is...They still try to put Him in a position of choosing between Me or them, because it is all they know...after 25 plus years you would think they would get it...but...it goes back to their identity and their core beliefs.....they have now lowered themselves to the predictable move of pulling away the grandchildren. (A tactic taught to them by their BM) Well He has chosen...as we both leave the merry-go-round, hand in hand, running to try and catch a sunset or two...leaving all of them still on it spinning and spinning...as I look at him and say "How long do you think it will be before they notice we've left"? Then I catch myself and.... I think to myself...."That's not my problem anymore"....you can't help someone who won't let you...You can only work on yourself at getting free...and staying Free...