Hateful adult SD
Hi. I'm new to this forum. Here goes... Ill try to be brief as possible. I'm 53 happily remarried for 6 years, we each have 3 grown children. From the start his daughter has been a wedge in my marriage. She's done and said a lot of things that I Did let go (picking my battles ). She also has a little girl (who I've always been "grandma" to ) Recently we had a falling out over something that she kept saying about the whole virus situation. So I asked her to please quit bringing it up. She completely retaliated against me (and her dad) and said some extremely hateful things about me and my kids. She told me I wasn't family, that We are ALL fake and selfish ! She said to never speak to her again and that she would never trust me. She said to her dad "wow dad. Are you gonna let your wife talk to ME like that " and on and on. So now 3 months later she's apologized but I feel like the things she said were things that she really feels. Basically I don't believe her apology. I think she needs a babysitter now "me" and I think her dad put her up to it. She's always been jealous of my daughter and I. (My daughter doesn't live where we live) and she's DEFINITELY jealous of my marriage. My DH is a great guy. He takes good care of us. But with all this he says he's on my side but now they're talking like nothing ever happened. He says the balls in my court now since she apologized. He said that he discussed it with her and that she just too dense to "get it". But I don't trust her one bit and don't believe her. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't want to jeopardize their relationship but I can't stand the thought of even being around her now. I tried really hard with her and for her to say those things was like a huge F&#$ CK off to me. ! I'm a pretty sensitive person whose always typically let everyone walk on me. The older I get the more I can't tolerate it.
Babysitting is not a
Babysitting is not a requirement to have a relationship. My guess is once babysitting is nixed so will her fake ass "relationship".
Tell him that you've accepted
Tell him that you've accepted her apology but that doesn't mean you have to babysit if you do not want to and ... you do not want to. Smile. All better now DuH?
Also, a sincere "apology" comes with the expectation that
changes MUST OCCUR CONSISTENTLY, otherwise an apology is just words that will be used again and again.
Better yet, DISENGAGE. Get away from her.
If he were a "great guy", he
If he were a "great guy", he'd hold her accountable to more than just a fake apology.
Trust your gut and distance from her. He can be the babysitter.
Great guy
I think he has held her accountable, to a point. But he has let it go for the sake of his grand daughter. He knows that in order to see her he basically has to kiss her ass too. Which I don't think is right. But it is what is is. And you're all right. He can do the babysitting NOT me. Not now! Last time I babysat her she told me that "you can babysit me, you have more money than us! ". Like wtf??? They don't want to pay for daycare! She's 7. And a little snot. Just like her mother. I told him that what is daughter did changed every dynamic in this family. My kids won't be around her anymore. Holidays will not be the same. It's sad her mouth put the whole family in this situation!
The other part about the SD is that she tries to act more like his wife. She questions everything he does. Lectures him, nags him. She would get pissed every time he would buy me something nice. To be honest when she was ignoring us it was the best 3 months of my marriage.
You are right! HER MOUTH DID THIS TO THE FAMILY, you have no
responsibility for her actions and words. A mature adult OWNS BOTH.
My DH's daughter did something similar, but they have had to learn the hard lesson of when you let your mouth go in auto pilot mode and you're vile to your father and his wife, there is NO GOING BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE, EVER. Once I filed the police report to protect myself, I think it finally registered with her that she's been able to lure her daddy in everytime she's blown up and treated him horribly, but I don't love her like he does, and I REFUSE TO ALLOW ANYONE TO TREAT ME THE WAY SHE HAS AND KEEP THEM IN MY LIFE.
You need to do the same. The apology is only manipulation.
Oh! And they all play the "you can't see your grandchild until you do WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO" card. This is not love, it is emotional abuse, and at best, feigned love with CONDITIONS.
You tell him "that you don't
You tell him "that you don't want to upset the Apple cart, things are good right now and you like to keep it that way. You will keep your distance in the name of family harmony for his sake." Basically you are disengaging from SD but making it look like you are doing it for a noble cause: family harmony for him.
You can get what want, you just have to spin it like you are taking one for the team.
Disengagement from her drama will bring you peace. Make it happen for yourself.
The things she said to you
The things she said to you came from a place of entitlement. Somehow she's gotten the impression that she is more important than you in DH's life, and as a man he has the power to silence you. She got that impression from HIM.
I would suggest you disengage
I would suggest you disengage from SD, and let DH handle her. If she comes to your house, be polite but distant. That's how I've handled my 2 SDs for the last 17 or so years and on the whole, and most of the time, it has worked OK.
Accepting an apology does not
Accepting an apology does not mean that anyone should continue to expose themselves to the proven crap usually served up by the apologist.
Your DH needs clarity on this and to understand that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. An apology does not void that fact.
Be wary.
Thank you
Thank you for all for the advice! It's given me a lot of clarity and direction on how to deal with this situation! I appreciate you !
The Holy Apology is a common
The Holy Apology is a common topic on StepTalk. Partners (usually male) think a few insincere words mumbled by a resentful skid magically makes everything okay. They want to get back to playing Happy Family and pretending everything is good while ignoring the core issue(s) that caused the conflict in the first place.
Are you familiar with Karpman's Drama Triangle? I learned about it here on STalk, and it's been a game changer for me (and yes, there IS a game going on). Google it. Basically, there are three roles in the dynamic: persecutor, victim, and rescuer. Your H is always going to be the rescuer. You were the victim until SD apologized. If you make waves, you'll become the persecutor of poor widdle SD. The key is to position yourself sympathetically, while holding the higher ground.
You've been positioned as the difficult one, the one unwilling to forgive and forget. You need to change that. Draw some boundaries, while subtly maintaining the victim role. You WISH everything could go back to how it was before, but that's up to SD. You've FORGIVEN SD, but it's going to take time to get over the PAIN she caused. Is SD getting any counselling to help her with her ANGER? You HOPE so, because you don't want to be ATTACKED again. You're hesitant to be HURT again, so only a long stretch of changed behavior can rebuild TRUST. Maybe one day you'll be able to babysit again, but the timeline for that is up to SD and how much EFFORT she puts into repairing the DAMAGE she caused so you can all be comfortable again.
See how I just changed the narrative, and put the onus on SD? It's the truth, but delivered in a way that holds her accountable and let's your H know that it's behavior, not words, that counts.
I love this!!!!
Wow. Thank you for that. I'll be reading that over and over and will google the info too! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me this info! This gives me something to study on tonight because tomorrow will be the day that I'm confronting DH ! I'm actually feeling pretty positive after posting on this site.
Happy to help. Knowing about
Happy to help. Knowing about the Drama Triangle has helped me in other facets of my life as well. It's important to always be aware of what role we're playing, and to position ourselves in the role that will produce the best outcome. Don't let others assign you a role!
Yes. This is what helped me
Yes. This is what helped me years ago and some of the smartest advice I've gotten here. Never be the persecutor.
You also need to remember that the most important thing to a man is not you and it's not his kids......it's his own comfort. When you disengage, his kids will feel it and start questioning him why you are not begging to be in their enchanted lives. You continue being a peaceful source of comfort to him. Let his kids be the one to make him uncomfortable, not you.
Wow
Thank you so much for this!! I'm in a similar situation and right now I am the "victim". I was going to talk to him about what future SD has said but I don't want to change the dynamics of the triangle. Thank you!!
This is awesome. How would
This is awesome. How would you change the dynamic and things you say if you've forgiven but no longer desire a relationship with the skid?
She has shown her true colors, and the "APOLOGY" is no apology
at ALL. This IS HER ATTEMPT TO SHOW DADDY SHE CAN 'play nice" in an effort TO WEAVE HER WAY BACK INTO YOUR LIVES, and, make no mistake, it is all for her OWN PERSONAL GAIN, not YOURS.
I was told by this vile excuse of a daughter that I wasn't family, I didn't love her dad, I was using him, BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! We stood there in total SHOCK and DISBELIEF,as there were a million other ways a MATURE , EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, and WELL ADJUSTED ADULT would approach their father and his wife with their concerns.
The weakest person is the one who cannot keep their emotions in check. She's weak. She's nothing to you. It is time to write her off and disengage for the sake of your marriage. That is what I have done and though at the time it was very hurtful and appalling that she would resort to that, I realize most things work to our betterment. I've had PTSD for MONTHS since this all happened, then I realized I had the key in my own pocket. Like Rags says, TOXIC BEHAVIORS and TOXIC PEOPLE GET A TOTAL WRITE OFF. That's what I did. I still have daddy full-time, and that is what is mostly at the heart of the matter; that and I am everything she (a classic narcissist) will NEVER BE.
This is a heavily trangulated dynamic. Remove yourself from it. Let them fight amongst themselves. It's up to you to guard your heart and protect your peace.
Good luck!
Thanks
Thank you for this. Sounds like we are/were in the same boat. I'm removing myself from this bullshit once and for all! And thanks to you and a few others I see that I'm not being dramatic and controlling. I'm SO done with all of this. I've always been the type to let everyone dictate and tell me what to do. A pushover. And now at this stage in my life I just can't do it anymore. SD is dead to me I'm so done and I hate that it came to this. But SHE did this not me. I hope she regrets this forever. I want her to hurt just like she did to me.
She will not regret the loss
She will not regret the loss of what could have been a great relationship. She's also not going to hurt the way she made you hurt. She's not capable of it, which is why she behaves the way she does. Someday you won't care if she hurts or not, you'll just be glad to have peace.
She WILL regret losing control over her father by not being able to control you. She will regret not being able to complain about things you have done when she has not seen you in a long time. She will regret that her dad is still married to you, and that's when she will start telling him that he picked you over her. She will regret that you breathe, exist and are with daddy every day.
Everything you said is so
Everything you said is so true. They do not regret not having a relationship with you. Just the opposite. They are happy if you are out of the way.
It is so true that the only regret they will ever have is if they lose control over their daddies.
it is also true they will continue to hate you for simply existing snd breathing.
The lack of parenting by the bio parents created these narcissistic people. It is a parenting failure. narcissism is created. Im
This is 100 percent true! I
This is 100 percent true! I am dealing with this right now. SD's who lash out and are rude to me and father and then apolgize with no consequeces. They cry to daddy who buys into their tears. It is so pathetic.
Oh, I know this situation all
Oh, I know this situation all too well. My middle-aged SD told my DH that she apologized for saying I wasn't family, and other things, when she screamed "I AM SORRY!!" into my voicemail. She also told DH she could not help her behavior.
I told DH I don't need to be around a middle-aged adult who can't control her behavior, especially when he sits there with his head under the rug not knowing what to do. I also don't consider screaming into my voicemail to be an insightful, remorseful, sincere apology.
I told him I understand she considers that she has apologized, so I will watch her behavior for a while to see if she has changed. It's been 5 years. Nope, not gonna happen.
She's been an adult for decades - I don't need to be in their relationship. She's not a minor coming to the house for court-ordered visitation.
An appology without the
An appology without the complete cesation of the behaviors that led to the appology is just manipulation.
A parent who takes the position that a few words from their ill behaved consistently intolarable children purges the pain those children have caused are the ones who facilitate the crap that their kids perpetrate.
No partner of that parent should tolerate either the crap from the kids or their SO facilitating the crap dished by the kids.
Yup actions speak louder
See what happens if they 'have another problem'....same crappy behavior? Cuz if they don't do something to change their ways, they won't change. Words are simply words.
These intollerable people
These intollerable people take this same crap to their jobs. I have had to deal with a number of them over the decades of my career.
Invariably these people have been a long term problem but for some reason they keep getting transferred to a different leader's organization and there is no documentation in their personnel file. I take the permanent record approach. Once I identify them as a problem I interview as many of their former supervisors as are still with the company. It always turns out that they have been a long term problem that no one will take a formal position in dealing with.
I reprimand, suspend, put them on probation, etc, etc, etc... as stipulated in the company disciplinary policy making sure that all of the documentation goes in their permanent file. Every one of them has asked me to remove the reprimand from their file at the end of their probationary period. I sit them down, inform them that the reprimand will not be removed and if they do the same crap again, they will be immediately terminated.
One of the last incidents with one of these people was taken all the way to the CEO of the company who backed me in not removing the reprimand or the low performance appraisal that the idiot earned.
I left that company after two years of being the take out the trash guy. Nearly every other leader transferred their problem children to my team because they knew I would deal with the problem effectively. I still get the occassional call from former colleagues from that company and invariably they bring up a PITA that I ran off. I really hate doing that job but I also do not shrink away from doing what has to be done. Not always without consequences for myself.
Idiot parents adversly effect many people with their failed breeding experiments.
Funny.
Funny how the appology came with a demand for service. She needed a baby sitter. So... she appologized in order to make you her bitch.
Don't fall for it.