I have an update on my situation… (sorry it's a bit long). So DH saw SS to discuss the Christmas situation. He said he hasn't told me about Christmas (or their request that I not be invited) so that it would sound like his ideas were totally coming from him. He said SS was alright to talk to. SS admitted that given the choice he would prefer to be with DH but he understands he has to start including me in things. DH spoke of his own father saying he would never have considered excluding SM from anything nor would his dad have allowed it, and he also said he would never think to exclude his sons' partner. SS seemed understanding but then said he would do what SD is doing. So based on this conversation it was clear that the issue was mainly SD which I suspected all along.

So I reflected on things and realized just how controlling SD is. She wants all the males in her life to herself. She wants DH, SS and her husband all to herself. She doesn't seem to want SS's wife around either. So then I had a lightbulb moment. I remembered how when DH was married, for 20 years they spent 2 weeks at Christmas with BM's family at her parents' place and DH hated it. He spoke to BM many times saying he wanted to be more fair and spend time with his family as well. It was lunch at his family's and then 2 weeks with her family. So finally after 20 years, DH said he was going to spend time with his family and would BM join him and she said no, she would be with her family. She would not budge and tried insisting that DH go. So DH stayed back and spent time with his own family. And then he left the marriage (one of many issues).

So how that relates is that it reminds me very much of SD and how she has to be in control of things and wants/demands things to be her own way. So I said to DH, "you know all the reasons you left BM? Well really what was the point of leaving if you are going to allow yourself to be controlled by SD in exactly the same way? She is now dictating how Christmas and really all events will be for you, just like BM did for 20 years." then I said, "Do you really want that for SD? If she continues this controlling behaviour, her husband will leave her, just like you left BM. What are you really teaching her here?" Anyway he thought that was very insightful. I think for the first time he saw SD as the adult (who has become like BM in this way) instead of the little girl wanting daddy. Interesting SD is now around the age when BM was when they got married. So he spoke to SD and said he wouldn't be visiting for Christmas without me. SD resisted saying she just wants daddy, and he said, "well I will leave it with you to think about. But as I said, I won't be there without CL. Things have to change and we can't exclude her anymore" He mentioned his dad and stepmother again. She said very little and that was it. So it is now left with her, and DH said no way will he go there without me.

I'm just waiting for the call with her crying,"But daddy, don't you want to see our new puppy?"

Now some of you may be thinking why on earth would I even want to go there at all, and for me it isn't about being there or not, but about DH finally taking a stand and not allowing his kids to not invite me to things. If I choose not to go, that's one thing, but to flat out say "come without CL is just plain rude".

Thoughts anyone? I want to be happy about this step DH has taken, but honestly I am still anxious waiting for the next move in the game...