He cut her loose...
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Yep! That is the latest text message from my H. He sent this ,
" (SD34) is out of our lives for good. I let her have it.
Ok....you let her "have it" ??
For what exactly? YOU allowed her to become a cancer in our lives! YOU allowed her to demand and demand. You never stopped her so NOW you LET HER HAVE IT? I texted back. First time all day. "for what?"
I have not heard back.
Wanted to get ST's input. Seems very strange. Seems too little too late. My biggest concern...if this is true.... is,, so what?
Next kid in a few years and it will start all over again...
It doesn't change the fact
It doesn't change the fact that he is narcissist or a sociopath or whatever he is. He just doesn't want you to have the final say.
Ignore. There are no
Ignore. There are no permanent changes here.
Based on his history, it
Based on his history, it sounds like he may just be lying.
Got his reply
His text: She disrespected you, she disrespected me. Then she pulled the guilt trip and emotional black mail crap.
My thought: Well...which time are we talking here? She has done that quite a few times and you overlooked it. Whats different now?
I have not replied. Don't think I will. Seems he is giving me JUST enough so that I WILL reply. He is baiting me.
Stay no contact...he is using your words back at you
to get you to be lured back in to him. They cannot think and use what we say, in this case words that you repeated to him during your conversations with him about his DaughterWife, so he is using your words to pay you lip service (lies!).
The exNarcH did this PRIOR to marriage and I was cautious but all his lies were consistent...until I saw it for myself and it was worse.
Like many ST's told me a year ago....even if DaughterWife moves to another planet...your DH will never be the man you deserve. He will continue to fail you in many ways.
Hug yourself! Stay strong, take no shit
Yep, it was all HER fault.
Yep, it was all HER fault. Nothing about HIS lies, gaslighting, enabling, emeshed dysfunctional self. It was aaaaaall her.
You’re right though. No point responding to the baiting. You know that if you get him to admit his role in his own marriage breakdown he’s only parroting the words he thinks you want to hear. Like SIL said, just tell them what they want to hear so it’ll blow over. You don’t need those words to move on.
words get twisted by those that are twisted in their thinking..,
anything he says or texts will sound like Charlie Brown's teacher....all the crow he's eating is muffling his words...or something else his mouth might be full of...insert turd emoji!
step away from the highs and lows in his twisted messages....his moods will fluctuate and once he really realizes that you will no longer be of service/supply to him, he'll get fussier and then he'll be on his way. Move along Narc.,.move along...
So you are meant to believe
So you are meant to believe that he went from being obsessed with her and planning secret meetings with her, to kicking her out of his life? Hogwash.
Follow through on your plans - but be careful. He's not taking this well.
I could be wrong but that
I could be wrong but that sounds like a hoover to get you to respond in order to get a reaction out of you. You really fell for that bs? He just called your bluff...he knows you still care. Smh
You have been told several times to stop reading his text messages. Is there a reason you continue to read them? I don't mean to sound harsh or anything but if you aren't going to take basic advice like "stop reading his text messages" what advice are you really looking for here since you don't seem to take it without explanation?
You were spying on him, you continue to read his messages, and you actually responded to his message? Why would you let him continue to make a fool out of you? You are so much better than that. Instead of being consumed by him and what he is doing, you really need to get a good therapist and work on you. Perhaps some life coaching from someone experienced in narcissist relationships might be even more beneficial to you. It doesn't seem like you are really ready to leave the relationship with him, despite knowing he is a narcissist who alot of professionals indicate are incapable of changing.
In your blog you posted....
It is the story of our marriage. He doesn't see what he is doing as wrong until he is about to lose everything and THEN only THEN is he sorry and wants to change! Well I don't dam wanna pack my bags every time I need to get him to take responsibility! This gets so tiresome not to mention stressful! He has NO character,, is what it boils down to! Never has shown any! He is weak and sneaky! THAT is why I am leaving him!
So are you leaving him or are you looking for him to take responsibility?
Any responsibility he says he's taking is not the real deal here. He will not have some magical light bulb moment and actually change. This isn't like in the movies where the bad guy suddenly sees the errors of his ways, cool music plays and said bad guy turns into an angel.
If you're leaving then get off the emotional roller coaster his texts are keeping you on. Tell him all contact has to be thru your lawyer and block him. Start moving on with YOUR life.
If you're not leaving then enjoy the rest of your vacation. Let him know when you'll be back so he can have SD gone before you get back and have everything ready to move on as if nothing happened.
Continue
On your plans. He is making a desperate attempt. Too little too late. Separate, continue with divorce. I don't believe he will change.
You can do better
You're obviously intelligent and together. Don't let him out you through crap anymore. Keep going and get out, he's had plenty of time to show he'll do something already - and he hasn't. Leave him as planned. You'll do better in the long run for sure!
Well that's funny because now
Well that's funny because now he's got conflict with her and he still won't have you back.
Exactly
You were her scapegoat for her abuses. With you gone, now he gets 100% of her bs. I don't see him admitting any changes in his own behavior...or admitting how he hurt you. He's willing to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, that sd is the problem. He wont admit that HE is actually the problem. And in reality enmeshed parents never really admit that their spawn are the problem...and he probably resents you for "forcing" him to type that to you...he lied to you that oh he is just so done with her....lol...no. he is hoovering bc he misses his maid, cook, etc. Narcs always try to get their old toasters (sources of supply) back because it's easier than having to go find new supply.
When I left, I blocked n ghosted. Block him on all social media and do not look him up. It will hinder your healing process. How do you feel being away from him? Is it better than how you felt when you were with him?
If he's a narc, he first tries to see if you respond to him...like this lie about sd (and not admitting HIS part in your pain)
If you don't respond he might ramp up trying to contact you thru your family n friends or stalk you...he will try to anger you to get a response. Some of your friends n family might even betray you (ppl buy into their charm) and become his flying monkeys...(most ppl don't understand abuse unless they, too lived with an abuser) but only confide in those you KNOW have your back
If he realizes he lost you, the smear campaign might begin. Anyone you know that he knows will hear how crazy you are and what a great guy victim he is. Some ppl will believe him. Don't respond.
Next he might be quiet for months or years as he gets busy finding his next supply victim. He will post on social media how amazing his life with her is. It's all for you, to try to get you to doubt leaving him and to hurt you. Better not to care or look.
Months or years later he might resurface and contact you sweetly...just remembering to good times or wondering how you are. Don't respond. Ever.
Like the story of a person feeling sorry for a poisonous snake and picking it up to warm it. Of course the snake, after warming up, bites the person who is shocked...why did you bite me, I was kind to you? The snake replied, you knew what I was when you picked me up.
Narcissism is incurable. Only 3% of abusers stop abusing according to Lundy Bancroft in his book Why Does He Do That. Learn about the dark triad personalities. Fb has groups for narc abuse healing ( be careful tho, some of the groups attract narcs who act all victimized n try to make ppl feel bad for healing)
You got this...you are free. Don't give up your peace, follow peace.
Hugs!!!
Exactly...very well stated!
very true, very sad yet true....the Narc patterns of behaviors are so predictable so beware.
Just like he knows your triggers to anger you...he knows your sweet spots to woo you back in. The snake analogy is spot on!
I read somewhere...'Don't set youself on fire to keep other people warm' reminds me that we are not responsible for other peoples feelings and we should not sacrifice our happiness, health, and mental well-being to make sure they are ok when they have a track record of proving they do not care one bit about us.
Remember too that any plans you have should be kept out of earshot of DD right now just so SIL doesn't catch wind of anything and tip off your H.
This is painful right now but leave that snake on the ground and go the other way to safety and happiness!
I know that you know what he
I know that you know what he's up to. I also get the curiosity to check your text messages. We're human...we are curious creatures, even when it's not in our best interest. I'm not going to make you feel badly for checking those messages. However, please, as tempting as it may be, don't engage in any back and forth messages with him. It's pointless. I get that you are looking for affirmation from us because you know that we get you. Please be assured that you are doing the right thing. Stay on your path and trust that this pain and discomfort is only temporary. There will be better days ahead. You've got this looloo!
Do not fall for this sham.
Do not fall for this sham. Zero has changed. Stay the course.
he's good
but you're stronger. He knows he's done, he doesn't want to be. So he's pretending to give you what he thinks you want but he doesn't really undertand (or wants to) the original issues that brought you to this point. It i your life to live but please don't rush into anything. Keep the way you've been treated at the front of your mind, Remember his actions, lies, hiding of things and decide if that's what you want for the rest of your life. My ex was good at fake promises when he knew he'd gone too far. I know exactly how you feel.
I understand
I guess I needed some tough love! He sent an email this morning pledging all kinds of crap..same ol crap! I went back a few years ago and saw almost the exact same pledges...Blah blah...I went online and got my renters insurance. I am full steam ahead! I can not imagine how abusive my marriage will be going back! Everyday he will pine, whine and ruminate over how mean his kids have been to him! And there I will be, the sympathetic ear. Trying hard to analyze these crazies when who is at the helm of this insanity but daddy himself,, The king of personality disorders!
I just want to see that money hit the account. I don't really want to cut the entire communication until I know this thing is zipped shut! Then I can tell the attorney to hit the button and serve him the papers. Then he will have her to deal with from then out.
just like a Narc...turning the empathy to himself...
If I had a dollar for every time I heard exNarcH say, 'Well, my girls ignore me too!" UGH...so different with them ignoring him, when I"m around, and the oldest (DaughterWife) ignoring me before I walked in on them wrapped up together in her bed, barf.
Just go back and read my first two posts in March 2020, I wrote how he says how they ignore him too when I bring it up to him, it's ALL about them! The Narc just CANNOT comprehend the disparity in treatment from their awful evil spawn.
Zero empathy from the Narcs...remember that!
Mine too Olivia
Was incestuous with daughter wife. He just can't believe I would divorce him. He really feels he is a noble person. I did respond to his blocked message about his noble-ness. I focused on his lying to me because that was one thing he actually admitted to me...I told him noble ppl don't lie pathologically to their wife at the alter...there was no love n cherishing. I also threw in a Bible verse about how God hates lying tongues because he kept sending me Bible verses on forgiveness. (Spiritual abuse) I would love to show him what God thinks of incestuous ppl...but he isn't worth my time. Divorce is Monday!!
Remind him of Lot...
but Narcs do not see their lies as lies because their cognitive distortions are REAL to them...like they are focused on only getting their needs met so a lie to us normal folks is real to the Narc. It was frightening to witness with my own eyes during the 43 days of living with him after the nuptials (he and I lived 3 hours apart prior to faux marriage). Faux because there was nothing real about it being a marriage. When I looked at the wedding photos, he is choking back tears when he's looking at DaughterWife during the cute beach ceremony. My son pushed his hands up to hold mine as we faced each other to say the vows. They are ill. I'm glad you'll be FREE as of Monday! I felt a great relief off my shoulders and mind when I signed the final papers.
Congrats on Monday!
I actually struggle with
What you just said, that they don't look at the lies as lies. If he truly does not see them as lies (and he doesnt) how does one ever get through to being the virtueous one? You don't. Like jojo said, they bring out these versus about forgiveness and such because even if it is a lie, it is just a "small" one and we are over reacting! And it isnt like he lies all that much...just a little bit!
I am not answering his texts. I am reading them until I know the papers have been served and then I will block him. But he did send one text I thought was very amusing...He said, he "laid down the law with her and set strict boundaries with SD" wait,,,I thought in a previous text he said she was out of our lives for good?? And I quote: "SD is out of our lives for good"
So now she is back but with boundaries...she has been out of our lives for a whole 24 hours then??? Gah...what a dope!
they probably curled up on the couch tonight...
I told exNarcH 'I gave you and your Ho what you both wanted...me gone!' Y'all can have each other and burn in hell together too.
Sooooo glad survive that shitshow of incestuous liars....
Stay free and do NOT respond to him...lies lies lies
funny about the lies
They just don't seem to see themselves as liars! I can listen to a story he tells to someone and I WAS THERE and it is full of lies! And all the crap with his kids! He just makes it up as he goes along! Then he tells me, Is it possible you could be wrong? Do you know how many times Ive heard that one??? Its sickening but do they realize what they are doing or do they believe their own lies? That is the part I struggle with.
Narcissists and psychopaths
Also, this one, the comments are great:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqNmyfkU6SQ
that's the gaslighting...
exNarcH would talk about these 'great ideas' as HIS when I was the one who turned him onto different types of workouts (TRX bands, kettelbells, yoga stretches, using med balls, supplements, etc) and got him moving every day through each chemo treatment, cooked healthy for him and did all for him and he would brag to those losers how HE did it ALL on his own...as I would just glare at him....waiting for a word of recognition that he would never give me in front of those losers but behind closed doors, he thanked me for saving his life.
They fail to have their own identity, they are emotionally stunted and latch onto anything that will make them look good or impress someone...anyone.
He cut her loose...
Yeah right. And I have some nice beachfront property in Hawaii but its near an active volcano...
Do not get suckered in!
yep!
I just wrote an update saying that very thing! He cut her loose 24 hours ago and today he tells her he will come up to see her! He says, from now on I will go see her she will never come to our house...uh...huh....how long will that last??? I know...good ole loo she will not be mean for too long and I can invite little sorry ass SD down again. I know the game dude! GIve and inch they take a mile and nothing changes.
he just cannot be alone or away from HER
I hope they have a beautiful weekend together <<<insert LOTS of sarcasm! Barf
I beg to differ
on one piece of advice I was given here. I did allow him to blather on with his texts while I did not reply to any and what I got was enough to set aside my residual guilt and realize that NOTHING will change. Just 24 hours ago he texted me and said "SD is out of our lives forever" What a difference a day makes....24 little hours..... Today he texts me and says "I stood up to her, Look at what I texted her" In this snap shot he texted. "I am not going to fall for your guilt trips" To that she let him have it with her usual crap and as you read further he says..'.I will come up and see you in NY" Then she says,,, I don't want to talk about "Loo" He says no, we wont. So that is it??? You said you were cutting ties with her and now you are taking time away from your job and your household duties to fly up to her waiting arms? Yea...you are REALLY making head way... So yes, I think allowing him to insert his big fat foot in his mouth was actually a good thing to know! He was snap shotting all their texts and how "tough" he was on her...WOW! Thats tough!??? Sounds like she had the upper hand the whole way! Sounds like it went from "never seeing her again' to only seeing her if I leave my home, my wife, my chores and my job to run up to see her. Why??? WHy are you planning to drop everything and run up to see your adult daughter who openly despises your wife? At least TRY to act mad for a minute for all the rude disrespectful things she said! Instead he once again pacifies her! He is losing his marriage and planning trips to see the person who caused all the trouble...wow...just wow!
The Narcissist's Prayer:
The Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Yep yep
Narc prayer sums it up well!!
You're still seeking validation for leaving.
I get that. When we leave it takes a long time to be ok with making that choice. We're filled with doubt and fear. Thru all the emotional abuse we became dependent on them for everything. It's a struggle to make decisions on our own and to be ok with ourselves.
So far reading his texts have felt like more validation.
Aha, see he said this, I was right. It's good that I left.
BUT Looloo, you are right. We understand you needed to go. We're happy that you got out. I was so relieved to read your post about that early morning drive a couple weeks ago, that you had gotten away.
But right now he's on a fishing expedition. He'll just keep trying one bait after another because you're still paying attention and he knows it. Sooner or later he'll find the right bait to use and BAM you'll be back on the hook.
He knows you, what gets to you, how to work you. Sooner or later you'll read a text from him that will send you into a tailspin. His words won't make you feel better or validate your choice to leave. His words will get to you.
Been there done that myself. Took me 3 tries to actually leave exH. The first 2 the flood of guilt and anxiety I felt was more than I could take. His texts started out nice enough and validated all my reasons for going. I felt like I was in total control. But later he found the right bait, his texts changed. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it and I went back.
When we leave we are so very vulnerable at first. It takes time to get our strength back, for the fog to clear so we can move on. Reading their texts, staying in contact, spying on them just keeps us in the thick of it. Leaves us vulnerable and unable to move on.
It's a dangerous game to play with them.
He emotionally abused you for years, stop looking to him for validation.
Neverending
You are right! Right up to a few minutes ago, he was trying every text he could think of, guilt, god, my tender mercy. I finally did it, I blocked him. I wrote him a kiss off email which I swore I would not but I felt I needed to let him know precisely what happened BUT that did not work! No matter how precise I am he will be obtuse. Oh...what did you mean...its too deep blah blah!!! Look up triangulation moron!!!! Will he? Nope! He does not want to know what he is doing wrong because he does NOTHING wrong! It was a classic case of triangulation. Last night he sends me all these texts he texted her...You disrespected my wife, you need to apologize! Now she is mad not at him...AT ME! I did nothing to her! I treated her fairly dispite her transgressions! Why is she mad at me??? Because he blamed ME for her being fired! Thats why! Now she is mad at me NOT HIM! And she has to apologize to me...which she NEVER will. And its the classic, he creates the chaos, he absolves himself and we are at war with each other. Now he can forever use me as the reason she wrote him off again..not anything HE did! It was Loo...she just doesnt get along with my kids. And will he ever realize it? NOPE! He just plays me for a fool!
They will have a lovely visit in NYC
and will likely not discuss you because you never really existed in their eyes...they are so caught up with each other
Hang in there.
In time it'll all settle down. You'll feel better and more relaxed. His BS just won't seem to matter quite so much anymore. Then one day you'll notice none of it matters at all. It'll be the past and all over, done with
match.com
Well, he did not even have time to shed a tear, he is already on match.com complete with a recent photo! I am not even sure the papers were served yet.
No matter what anyone says, you can not be too broken up over a 20 year marriage if you are already online looking for someone else. Typical narcissist!
Yep. All the proof you need
Yep. All the proof you need that you did the right thing.
Match.com proof...
he's showing you that you can be replaced in a bat of an eye. This proves how lonely he is and just wants someone to be his maid and the other person to triangulate his dysfunctional life with...and likely to make DaughterWife jealous too. Sick.
Good riddance to that dude
Ummm...I'm confused
You made a profile on match.com to see what he's doing?
Actually back in january
When I left him after a session of gaslighting, I figured he would run and make a profile and start looking cuz that is how he is, so yes, I made a profile and found a pic of a much older very unattractive woman so as not to be taken seriously by anyone and was able to immediately locate him. It all sat for 3 months and when I left this time I revisited and sure enough he has spruced up his profile. It was simply more validation that he is what I know him to be. I deleted the fake profile.
It's so very hard to move on
It's so very hard to move on when they remain our focus of attention. The nanny cam, his texts and even replying to some of those, looking him up on match.com....all ways he gets to stay at the forefront of your life.
You're still seeking validation for having left him. I hope at some point, something, will give you that sense of justification and validation so you can start to heal and move on with your life.
I know, you are right
And this morning I wake up to 2 emails from him! The jest.."I will change, I will get therapy! There is no one like you" blah blah....
I deleted my match profile. I am making progress athough slowly. No more nanny cam and he is blocked from texting. I left the email open until we work out household duties, mail collection etc. But of course he breaches it with crap. When he said this '
(SD34) is banned from our home unless she apologizes and abides by our rules"
Whoa now! When did I agree she simply needs to give us a shallow half baked apology and she is welcome back? How on this earth can he even begin to entertain an option for her to return after what she has just put him through???? He lost EVERYTHING because of her! The love of his life (so his says) and half of his business! And you still leave a door cracked for this monster???
Wow...
Im working on getting better...Right now I am so dam vulnerable because I had this laser treatment and I look like I have been through an inferno! My face is blotcy full of brown spots and swollen to the point I can not move it! I am STUCK in my room! Its hard. Im trying! I keep telling myself, once I can get out and socialize. I have a boatload of plans! I so excited for all the fun stuff I have planned but each passing hour seems like a day right now! I just need to someone to reach out to. This forum has been a port in a storm thankfully.
Hang in there Loo.
Hang in there Loo.
Do you have hobbies you can do in your room? Crossword, drawing, reading, etc? Whatever your thing is. I didn't know what to do with my peace and quiet at first. Giving myself other things to focus on helped a lot in the beginning.