He wants to make up with me...
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So apparently per later conversations dh told skid when he gets out he'd have a place here should he "need" it per waiting lists, etc. Skid replied it wouldn't work cuz he knows I dont like him and supposedly wants to "make up" with me. The way I feel is he's stomped on me for too many years and it is absolutely unfair for him to expect to stay here for any length of time...he made the choice to go to prison, and even if all the BS hadn't happened through the years...(AND IT DID) I am not comfortable with someone camping out here. I also at this point am simply tired of dealing with skid and don't want a relationship with him. And dh shouldn't be pressuring me into it. Neither should skid.
OMG, what part of "I don't
OMG, what part of "I don't want to live with your felon child" does DH not get? Why can't he just rent the GROWN MAN a room if he wants to help out? Let SS show with ACTION, not words, that he wants to make up, over time.
I'd guess many people in prison have big plans of how they are going to turn their lives around when they get out, and it all goes to hell once the old temptations are there.
Even if he shows it with
Even if he shows it with action, I can forgive without wanting him in my life. We can't afford to rent him a room. He can figure out how to rent one himself, like a big boy.
And that's fine too. But DH
And that's fine too. But DH should not be putting his adult child's needs above his wife's.
I'm sorry. I know the
I'm sorry. I know the constant talks about crap you no longer wish to discuss is exhausting. I felt like my formerSO was just trying to wear me down, but the only thing it did was make me resent him and eventually fall out of love with him.
Didn't you tell your husband you did NOT want him there? If so, why did he tell skid he could if he "needed" to?
Because he's only thinking
Because he's only thinking about his kid. Not me.
Then you need to start
Then you need to start thinking about ONLY YOU and not your husband.
From what I understand, even
From what I understand, even if your dh wanted him there, all you'd need to do is say no. You should be able to call up the parole department and find out.
Yep!!
But you have a right to live with whom you want. Just stand firm, continue to say no, and let DH know this is a deal breaker for you. Good luck.
This is really more about
This is really more about skids claim that he wants to "make up" with me. I wonder if its real, and if so how to explain that it's too little too late, or whether it's a tactic to make me look like the bad guy.
I strongly believe this is a
I strongly believe this is a tactic to be allowed to live in your home.
Sometimes "sorry" is not enough. You don't HAVE to take a toxic person back into your life; no matter what they say!
Dh claims that he "doesn't
Dh claims that he "doesn't wanna stay here." His thought is if skid "needs" a place to stay just for a short bit while he's waiting on a halfway house to open up or something. I'm thinking that skid is claiming that so that it's not obvious that he's wanting to be allowed to stay here, but that if we make up, since everything's ALL BETTER NOW that OF COURSE I'll HELP reformed baybee!!!!!!! Yeah no. Even if we did make up (I won't, I'll pass along the message, "I forgive you I wish you well, I don't want a relationship with you") I wouldn't let him stay. I'd tell him that sucking off my tit isn't the best way to get on his feet. #nopetrain
Perfect. Be strong.
Perfect. Be strong.
"he doesn't WANT to stay here"
But he will if H opens the door for him. Tell him you're not interested in aiding and abetting felons or becoming a secondary correctional facility/halfway house!
No he won't.
No he won't.
There is no
There is no "waiting for a halfway house to open up." If their parole conditions require residence in a halfway house then they are released directly to the halfway house. There is no pit-stop at daddy's house first. So don't fall for that line of crap. If his release plan allows him to go to a private residence then he will be allowed to stay there permanently. And the whole "make up" thing is silly. How can you make up before he is released? And once he is in your home you will never get him out whether you make up or not. Prisoners will say anything, and they usually actually believe what they are saying, to set themselves up for a life on the outside. Some people do reform while they are inside but that is not something you should count on. Depending on their individual experience they can be much more manipulative coming out than they ever were when they went in.
Remember he has a lot of time on his hands
In prison. They are educated to make amends, in prison and find god. That all can change the minute he gets out and back old friends. People like him can not have normal friends so they always go back to the “ old friends” hen they get out themselves. Just say NO, You are not living with a Felon!!! DH and SS can get a room somewhere
It's interesting that even
It's interesting that even your skid acknowledges it wouldn't work for him to live with you. And SS realizes your relationship is broken even though it seems your own husband doesn't. I mean...at least SS knows it won't work and he's not afraid to say it. It sounds as if your husband's head is in his...the sand.
Who can know what your SS is thinking...if he's sincere in wanting to make up, or if he even can reconcile with someone being who he is right now. Prison might have him reflecting on his mistakes...or he might be playing his dad so dad goes home and lobbies you on his behalf.
Here's what I'd say to your husband. It hits the imporant boundaries you probably set, and reinforces that you and SS are on the same page of not living together (whether you really are or not). And it tells your husband that SS just serving his sentence won't make SS OK in your book. You need to see prolonged change and stability when he's out of the pen before you even consider breaking bread with SS again:
"I'm glad SS realizes our relationship is too broken for us to live together when he's out. That's very mature of SS. Let's see how he does in the pen. Maybe when he's out and has a few years of stability under his belt he and I can sit down to dinner to see about reconciliation."
Do you think if he's having
Do you think if he's having dh lobby it's in the hopes of staying here? I'm not interested in reconciliation. There is no reason for me to be involved anyway. I'm interested in skid leaving me alone. And maybe even leaving the state (yeah I know he likely won't but I can dream).
Maybe. But given what he said
Maybe. But given what he said, SS may sincerely think living with you wouldn't work. You know him best.
I wouldn't want anything to do with your SS either, which is why I suggested making it very clear to your husband that any potential reconciliation is years off for you. He needs to know not to expect it anytime soon so he will forego any silly notion that your SS will be moving in with you after his release
No it's not years off`for me.
No it's not years off`for me. He needs to understand it's never going to happen.
I think he knows it won't
I think he knows it won't work but he's also not afraid to try to weasel dh into forcing things on me if he wants to badly enough.
How soon until skid gets out of prison?
How soon until skid gets out of prision? If is far in the future, just tell DH you don't to talk about any of it until he is ready to get out. Things could change a lot between now and when he gets out.
Of course he wants to “make
Of course he wants to “make up”. Translation - I want you to let me use you.
I don’t know why people talk about reconciliation. SS34 could become a certified saint, and I still would not want him in my life.
There are millions and millions of people in the world. There’s only room for a few in your life.
The only reason he wants to
The only reason he wants to make up with you is so he can use you and your home when he gets out of prison. If he didn't need that, he sure as hell would continue to treat you badly. This is about upside for him, not you.
Facts
Google: "According to the National Institute of Justice, about 68 percent of 405,000 prisoners released in 30 states in 2005 were arrested for a new crime within three years of their release from prison, and 77 percent were arrested within five years." This is more than drug addicts: National Institute on Drug Abuse: "40 to 60 percent of drug addicts will relapse from their plan of treatment." Also, read about 'Post Incarceration Syndrome': http://www.tgorski.com/criminal_justice/cjs_pics_&_relapse.htm
Please take the suggestions from other posters who brought up the fact that when SS gets out of prison it is hit or miss - but the odds are mostly 'miss'. I will bet neither you or your DH are socially or professionally equipped to truly help SS when he gets out. That's why Half-way Houses exist.
There's a reason I keep
There's a reason I keep saying nope. It's that, plus the fact that there's no reason a grown-ass man shouldn't be able to figure his own crap out.