Yeah, I can relate..(read my forum..enabling and ongoing....) when my SS39 was 13, he took a crap in the back seat of my car...lovely right? I should have ran like hell then, and not looked back....At least your SS calls your DH!!! My SS39 only calls when he needs his diaper changed.....Thank God I finally have people to listen to all this!!!

When an only child is raised as though they are 'almighty' (like my SD), and have been treated like that for all of their life it is really hard to get the parent to see them as they really are.  Is SS still living with you and DH?  I assume so because you wrote that DH washes his clothes, etc.  If this IS the case, why is he living with you when he is married?  He should be getting on with his own life and marriage in his own home.  If your DH has been this enmeshed all of SS's life, it will be very difficult to untie those apron strings.

This reminds me of a lady who used to post here last year.  She had the same problem - enmeshment.  She wasn't the wife, SS was.  Her DH was just like yours.  He bit her head off if he even thought she was questioning his sick relationship with his son.  We all suggested she start making herself a priority, doing what gave her confidence and satisfaction.  As she continued on her journey of self-awareness and self-worth, she became brave enough to question DH of his insane relationship with SS.  This caused DH to ask for a divorce.  In time, as she began a new, rewarding life, she realized DH did her a favor.

The one thing she didn't do was save up money and create an exit plan.  You have a chance to start saving.  Then keep coming back every day to Steptalk for validation - I can honestly tell you it's not you.

Dayyymmmm....I need to call my mother right now and tell her she's been slacking on the parenting these last few decades! B*tch (jk) has never paid my taxes, ironed my clothes or gotten my car waxed.  I feel neglected now.  

Its so hard to witness how our DH's worship their golden children. I have a SD Princess and a SS Manbaby. Both equally and differently treated like gods. Try gravol for nausea, at the very least it can make you drowsy and you wont see as much.

Seriously, this site is a god send to realize you are not alone. 

Guess what I found today?  I was cleaning out DH's end table, next to his recliner.  I am doing some cleaning and organizing for Spring cleaning.  OMGosh!  The bottom half of this end table has small doors.  I opened the doors and tons of chocolate, caramel pop corn, and jerky hit the floor.  A stash that would last a year.  In fact it has been there since Christmas.  It was items that SD57 and SGD 34 (mother/daughter) had put in a Christmas basket for Dadeeeee/grandpa.  DH was hording it and saving it from everyone, because his princesses had bought it for him.  Barf!!!!

I had forgotten they gave it to him and usually I put it in the pantry and then put it in bowls to eat, small amounts at a time; when it's about 2 months, I toss the remainder.  

I told DH "I better not find a mess like this again".  I grabbed the trash can and tossed the entire works.  If anyone else had rewarded us with this lovely "sweet treat", he would have gave it away.  He actually saved the entire stash, because his princess gave it to him.  I laughed at him as I was tossing.

*diablo* 

Hi and welcome to StepTalk - you will find support and a lot of similar stories here.  Having said that, I found your post really entertaining, you have an amusing way with words, I look forward to future posts! 

Regarding the hair in your face cream, I found a massive lump of green snot on my coat which was over the back of a chair, when SD21 was about 12.  When I showed DH, he also said she must have blown her nose on my coat "BY ACCIDENT" ooh la la that must have been some accident! 

form families and bonds as well as try to maintain them. Then, we feel left out and abandoned mentally when our hard work is not reciprocated. It is natural to try and push the issue with people because we want everyone to be one big happy family. But, I've also learned that step children and ex-wives do not want to share "daddy' with anyone.

Same dynamic here with only-child SD and borrowing relatives/friends!

So, are you saying you are your husband's FOURTH wife? Please tell me the others all died. If not, I just HAVE to ask...did you never suspect your husband had a fatal flaw that made him a three-time loser when you met? (Like a hideous son who drove off all the other wives?) Like, how could you not suspect there was something wrong that your husband couldn't make any of his marriages work? 

Any wonder your husband licks his kid's boots - the kid probably has the shits of this marriage bit his dad keeps pulling! So dad overcompensates to make up to his son for his own foolish behavior with women. AND son might be the only constant person in his life who stands by him - you know the old, "Women come and women go, but my son, now he will ALWAYS be there for me" (because dad is his lackey and totally enmeshed with him, which is the only way to keep his son).

In fact, are you sure it's you the SS hates? I suspect SS might not respect or like his dad much, but you know, he's his dad, so he endures him. But you, you're just another woman who's going to be around for a little while and then go away like three other wives and countless girlfriends, so why should SS even do the whole routine again? SS might not have much respect for his dad, but maybe even less respect for the women who keep falling for his dad's Casanova routine.

The whole situation sounds like a nightmare, but maybe it's not about you at all. This sounds like it was a mess long before you came on the scene.

I could be totally wrong, but I sure wouldn't respect my parent much if he kept screwing up over and over and expecting me to adjust every time he brought home a new wife on a whim. And I think most dads might feel some shame about that, which might be why he's especially overcompensating in this case.

Well, welcome to the site. I'm sorry you have to be here, but we're happy to have you!

Oh, this hits a note with me!!  SD and her husband were constantly having those little mumbled side-line conversations when we were in the same room with  them or in the car.  Then they would look at me and laugh.  This lasted 17 years.  DH seemed blind to it but I always thought it was rude.  One weekend I had a particularly bad weekend with SD, she was totally obnoxious.  They would not speak to me.  I left for a meeting,  When arrived home they were making Christmas cookies for presents for friends.  They had not asked me if they could use the kitchen, I owned the house.  I said, "Hi", was completely ignored.  Then they started in with the whispering again.  I asked them to please speak up.  They went ballistic on me.  That was the last time they visited.

Don't blame yourself for not realizing you would be disliked when you married DH.  It's just human nature to look for the positive, and who in their right mind would even think that type of rude behavior would be ignored by DH?  You are doing the right thing by not playing the game anymore.

My Ostrich had also been married three times before. I questioned him on this of course, early doors.  Like yours, his first marriage ended because they were both young, but they had a child. She left the child behind- cue Ostrich and OSD having the moral high ground here and everyone feeling sorry for them- for ever. Second wife took on his daughter, they had two more together, and after what seems to have been a happy enough marriage he had an affair. Everyone can make one mistake, was how he justified it- but he left his wife and married the mistake. She walked. Then he met me- looking back I should have paid more attention to his past, but only thought about the future. He seemed a very calm and stable man. I thought that was what I needed. Now I know I was just staring at his arse whilst he had his head buried in the sand...

I'm moving on now-free of all that toxicity from a mesed up life... did I have any impact on him at all? Seems not- anyone want tp be number 5? I very much doubt it...

Dupe

The more I am on this board, the more I realize how common the problem is with the divorced dad and his beloved, golden, do-no-wrong kids. With your situation, I hope that the military will send him long distances from you so that you and your DH will be able to enjoy your relationship without outside stresses.  My husband's 4 daughters all live an hour or closer to him (ick). Another fortunate thing (trying to be positive) is that you only have to deal with one SS. It is almost a situation that given his upbringing and being so adored from the beginning with a guilty father thrown in that it is a recipe for heartache. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I wish strength for you.

Thank you for your words.  I’ll just add one more thing - DHs only see what they want to see and, unfortunately, I think the reality of it is that children (no matter how obvious or sly they are) seem to always win out over the wives. Disengage where you can. That seems to be the thing to do. I wish I had a better solution. 

How did I deal with this?

These are the stages I went through:

Normality: I assumed when I met him that the X had a 'normal' relationship with his kids and that we had these two sets of kids, who were roughly the same age, in common. I saw this as a positive.

Doubts: little things they said and did to, and with, each other made me think that my relationship with my kids was nothing like his. I would make small, hopefully helpful, comments that were not well received.

Compromise: Hey! We are all different, right? I just need to step back and let him be- maybe one day he would think about the things I had said, right? Because I cared about him and he could see that, right?

Frustration:Nothing made any difference- his kids used him and not only did he not resent this, but he deliberately sought it out. He identitfied as a dad who would lay down and say,' Hey kids, come and walk on me please, whenever you have the time, that's fine, thank-you.' Frustration- that he felt that is what you wanted that too, even though it is obvious your kids respect you in that normal way kids should respect their parents.

Resentment: against them initially. You moan about them constantly to friends and family, you get sick of hearing yourself going on and on about what OSD has done/said now. You also begin to resent him, and the feeling sneaks up on you that you don't figure so largely in his life- that somehow he has even forgotten who you are. Because you still speak out occasionally he stops showing you so much affection and you begin to dread being in the company of his kids or even hearing their names mentioned.

Anxiety: You start to de-value your own self- you're not doing this right, you're a bitch, you're not fun to be around, you stop speaking your mind, you have a constant knot in your stomach, you don't know who you are anymore or how this situation got out of your control. You sleep badly, stop doing things you like doing, you go off sex with him and he resents this too.

Disengagement: You suddenly find out that you aren't alone, that many others are like you and that the best thing is to have nothing to do with his kids. You rediscover that you are a fun person to be with, you go out with friends, you do stuff without him and let him him see his family on his own -'Hey, you'll have a much btter time without me!'

This can go three ways: He accepts it- he loves you and he loves his kids and he learns to manage and even value these separate parts of his life. He starts to show you affection again, you do things together, you even have sex again.

He accepts it but resents it, however, he goes along with it because he doesn't want to lose you and every so often he will try to re-engage you. This may go on for the rest of your lives together.You may or may not get back to where you were, or you settle for having your own life and doing your own things. You may even have sex, but it isn't the same and never will be.

He completely rejects you- this seems to be rare but does happen.He cannot cope with you not loving his little darlings as much as he does. You begin to realise that your place in his life is to be a rival for BM and another mummmeeee to his kids, even though they may even have children of their own. You begin to realise this cannot be fixed. You either put up and shut up or you leave. 

This last one was how I dealt with it- I cannot fix the unfixable but I can make a new life away from those diseased relationships by starting out again, however difficult and sad it is, I am doing it because it is less difficult and sad than what I had.