Help
Hello,
Please forgive me for coming to this site. I was looking at the Internet looking for guidance and when I came across this site I thought I might in a strange way have found the guidance I need.
I am an adult and my parent divorced when I was a child. For years now I have not had a great relationship with my step mum. When I read all your posts it seems to summarise quite well the emotional and painful journey we have been on.
I guess the only difference is now I am a little older and perhaps even a little wiser. I am so tired of the hostility and when I look backI feel so sad that so much time in our lives has been spent in such a negative way.
The question is for anyone that is good enough to respond given its a step parent site... What can I do to change it? How can you move forward, how can we both forget the hurt and try and build a genuine friendship.
We don't really have contact because its been the easier course of action on both sides. I know that I have not handled family situations well in the past. I carried so much pain for so long it didn't make for good decisions at all. My dad and step mum have hurt me so much over the years, but I know that my words and actions have hurt them too. It's such an awful situation... In being driven by pain and rejection and desperation trying to just feel that my dad loves me again I have managed to to cause more hurt and isolate myself further.
I realise that any attempt I make may go wrong or be treated with mistrust. So just wanted to ask what should I think about? Any suggestions for trying to change this? I am really interested to get views and hear about anything that has worked/hasn't worked.
Also I am scared that we have type cast each other. Will my step mum always view me as "pure evil" (am sure that's what she may think ;0) ). I am just concerned that even if you make genuine steps to make a friendship if you want to hate someone you can view anything they do under a microscope and perhaps see it in a bad way.
So anyone out there.... How can I change this? How can I make life a little better and less negative?
Thanks
Somebody with a lot of regrets x
Hand write a letter
Hand write a letter expressing exactly what you said here and mail it addressed to both of them.
Here's a novel idea - write
Here's a novel idea - write the letter, as OC suggested, but point-blank ask for some one-on-one time with your stepmother - without your dad. Tell her you want to start fresh and the best way to do that is for the two of you to begin to get to know each other as individuals. She will probably not be receptive to it but it's worth a shot.
I know that if my skids had just once, over all the years, asked me to spend some time getting to know each other without their dad around, I would have jumped at the chance. Even just going out for coffee would have been nice.
They have no personal interest in me though - I'm just an appendage to their father. They are never rude, they just have no interest in a relationship with me or any interest in me personally, period. They never ask me any questions about my life, my family, etc. All the conversations usually center around them. If I do mention something going on in my life during the conversations, they usually have no input or don't ask any further questions. Zero interest.
After more than eight years, they don't even know my last name - no interest whatsoever. I'm resolved to knowing that's how it's going to be so I have no further expectations.
SA, I agree that it would be
SA, I agree that it would be a scary thing to offer and perhaps even more difficult for SM to accept. We don't have a lot of info on what exactly happened, or how horrific it all was.
So based on the little info provided in the post, it appears OP is genuine in their desire to make things better - and if they extend the olive branch to try to repair relationship with SM first, it may speed in repairing the solid relationship they seek to redeem with their own father.
I figure it's worth a shot - if SM refuses, at least OP won't have regrets they didn't at least try.
StepAside, this is what I
StepAside, this is what I would expect to happen if my SD41 ever made an effort to get together. Just another opportunity to crap on me. I'll never trust my SD41, she's a pathological liar and has a malignant spirit. The best way my SD41 can get along with me is to stay clear of me, forever. She's not my kid after all, as she was so fond of making clear to me
If my DH wants to subject himself to her, that's his problem. I won't ever let her take another swing at me or my bios.
I don't know who wronged who in your case, but having been on this planet a long time, I can guess. Your SM is probably quite relieved that you are out of the picture. She probably doesn't want to give you anymore chances. That's what happens if you treat others badly. Maybe you should respect that, chalk it up to experience and resolve not to act out towards others in the future. One thing you shouldn't do is try to force yourself back in or get your Father to pressure your SM into re-initiating a relationship with you. If someone tried to force me to meet with/spend time with my SD41, it would be friggin WWIII-scorched earth! I'm freezing toxic people our of my life these days.
If your skids treat you like you treated your SM, is it Karma?
Sorry, but sometimes you need to let it alone. If you want to meet with your Father, maybe send him a letter and let him make the next move.
BTW, I have always thought
BTW, I have always thought that kids should be able to spend one-on-one time with their parents. I've encouraged my SO to do so even though he usually wanted me to come along or be at home ... as his "comfort blanket". The kids never demanded it of him, which probably would have upset me - as others on this forum will attest.
I told him it was important for one-on-one time with each of them, separate from the other skid so they each could have a chance to talk with him. Especially when skids were younger I ensured I wasn't always there during their visits.
Case in point is that if you don't put selfish DEMANDS on other people, you might be surprised at what they will offer willingly to you.
Who knows if my strategy had any positive impact or not. But at least I can say I tried.
Thanks. I need to think
Thanks. I need to think carefully as I know that any step forward has potential to be difficult. Perhaps a letter is the way to go... At least I wouldn't cry like I probably would if I had to talk it through! ;0)
Step aside- that was really useful and insightful especially as you have experienced both sides.. I can see that actually you are right there isn't much to motivate change. If she doesnt like me why change. I guess other than I genuinely believe she does love my dad and therefore it would be nice for him if everything was better. I don't actually think that any reconciliation would mean I see my dad more- He has his own business and is very busy with that so there isn't much time. I primarily just want peace, this just doesn't sit well with me anymore. I dont expect us to be best friends but I just hope that perhaps things could be a little better. I have my own children now and I also feel I am not setting a great example- I need to work through this situation even though its difficult.... Because if I don't I may just be like my parents and I was always upset that they couldn't be more adult about their separation.
It is commendable that you
It is commendable that you are trying. Letters are one of least threatening, yet intimate, ways to communicate. I did not have a good mom, no exaggeration there. I found I can communicate with her via the pen better than any other way. It's non threatening and may help break down some walls.
Good for you for giving an effort. It's worth the effort even if nothing comes of it. If things go well in the future you can have kids write to them both. This would warm my heart anyway. I wouldn't do it unless she seems open. You don't want to hurt the kids or use them to manipulate the situation.
Hello, thanks for all the
Hello, thanks for all the feedback. I had offered to spend time with sm- which wasnt an easy thing to think about doing. I think it would be scary for both of us, but did think that it was one of the best ways to break through relying on others to prop up our relationship. I think it would have to be taken very slowly though and would not attempt any days out etc until some relationship had been established. I know that my sm tends to want to talk about the past, which I can do.... However we do have very different views on past events which could lead us into trouble. I just hope that if my sm does bring up painful events that i can try and change our previous pattern....which is basically not agreeing and both getting upset. I know I need to be focused on showing empathy for her view point rather than getting defensive as I have done in the past. reading this website has actually helped me a little as I always thought our family dynamic was so bad and painful and have been surprised how many people are struggling in these relationships too.
Kudos to you for stepping out
Kudos to you for stepping out of your comfort zone and offering to bury the hatchet. We waste so much time on past hurts and wrongs, it's not fair to the ones who love us.
My advice? Don't say you want to talk, say you want to listen and mean it. Don't be defensive, just listen. You will have to get through some initial garbage dumping at first. She will dump on you and make it seem like she doesn't want you around. Stick through it. Allow her to unload, but maintain dignity and respect and apologize. It's not a personal attack on you, it's an attack on the situation.
2tired4drama- very
2tired4drama- very appropriate username!! I have been guilty of not showing interest at times. At first I accepted sm but My dad and I didn't have much contact for many years and so when we did my focus was always on trying to get to know him, but his focus was always on bringing in sm. I guess I needed space to repair with Dad first and was rushed to jump into things I wasn't emotionally ready for. I can see the other side though and sm must think the same about me probably. It's a good tip for moving things forward though.
Manup- well you are right!
Manup- well you are right! My husband has just come back from a meeting with my dad and sm to see if things could move forward and that is what she has asked for. A meeting where she can talk through her side of things.
It's going to be a tough one as the emotions are raw on both sides over all sorts of family issues. However I really have got to just try not to defend, because we will be back to square one. I think it will take everything I have to do this... I am a strong person but just te slightest mention of these issues or my dad reduces me to years so easily! It's so difficult because when you feel pain it's hard to see the complete opposite view point. Am probably going to ball my eyes out :0/
Ok so given that it looks like I am having a meeting- I need to listen, not get defensive, any other points to prepare me.
This is really therapeutic because I feel that in an odd way I can finally see where my sm is coming from....a little bit ;0)
Always, always remember, the
Always, always remember, the truth always lies somewhere right down the middle. You will both be on opposite extremes in regards to your feelings about certain issues and events.
Ask questions. Lots of them. Don't interrupt and offer long questions or opinions, just the 5 w's.
The reason why you want to ask a lot of short questions is to get to the root of actual emotions. We tend to cover up our true feelings in cliches. "I felt threatened when you did this." Why? Dig down deeper past the initial words for more clarity, and explain that's what you're doing. "So I can understand you better, can you tell me why you felt that way?"
One thing to absolutely do is set a time limit for this meeting. Give her a half hour and explain that any more than that will overload you with thoughts and feelings and you might miss something important. It will also help her get to the point. It will also limit the chances of it denigrating into an argument.
You will get a chance in future meetings to get some things off your chest, but you have to take the first step to showing sincerity in your motives. Oh, and start every thought with "I feel..." or "I felt..." and say a feeling (ie: sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc...). Openly sharing feelings disarms people and allows them to be less defensive. That way, you're not accusing her of anything, you're expressing a feeling. Much less threatening.
This is difficult journey you've started, and it will be worth it in the end as long as both parties are committed to reconciliation.
Again, kudos to you for not wasting more time waiting for these important things to take care of themselves, which they almost never do.
I would like to know how to
I would like to know how to get to that place of peace.
SD has been PASed for 3+ years now. She has a son that we haven't seen since he was 3 months old. He will be 4 in March.
SS recently quit coming over but he still texts his dad once in a while.
Although CS will be ending next spring, it still hurts me (and of COURSE it hurts DH) to have given so much and then be cut out like we mean nothing.
Apologize to both your father
Apologize to both your father and stepmom. Let them both know you realize that you have hurt them and you want to try to work together on a relationship. If you cannot do this via a phone call, then wrote an email or send a letter. Once you open the door to an apology then it is on their foot to accept or not accept. You must be sincere though. The relationship your father has with his wife is important to him, you must realize this, and you need to show her respect. If you cannot do this, you can expect the same results as what you have endured in the past.