Help with the knock out punch!k
I'm sorry to be reaching out again! I am stuck in a situation right now that requires more patience and endurance than I can muster! I have conferred with several attorneys and all agree that I have to wait until the deal is done. The deal is our business for sale. They all say this will make things much more seamless. This is a 5 more week wait! Until then I have to act like nothing is wrong and I am not that good of an actress! She is in my business, she is in my husbands head day and night! She wants to come down to my home once a month! Shes entitled to my home, business, car, credit card! I can not take her but if I had a husband who would set boundries and show some balls I would feel better about it but he can not stand up to her and in fact, I think he likes having her pushing him around! Hes addicted!
My question is....what is my knock out punch? When the deal is done and I plan at that point to pack up and have him served, all in the same day. What is does my Dear John letter look like? I guess Im trying to alleviate my guilt! Is this a reason to divorce? I belong to a church that does not take divorce lightly! What do I say? "Your daughter is a pain? You can not handle her? You hired her without my consent, I hate her?" He knows all that! And he will say that we can work it all out, it will be better when we don't own the company anymore" But will it???...He wont give her up and really, with someone like her, that is the only way! Im frustrated, hurting and at the end of my ropes today! I have no husband anymore! I avoid him like a plague! I have to hang in there and have no one to turn to! I have been advised on this forum to seek counseling. I have had my share of counseling! I know I have co-dependency issues. I feel strong enough to walk out. I just need help clarifying and delivering the final blow! (For those who have not read my previous posts, she is 34 and the classic daddys spoiled brat!)
This isn’t about your SD
It is about your husbands inability to set boundaries, to put your marriage first. He has lied to you, even if by omission. He has violated your trust and abused you by diverting your resources--not just money & things, but your love.
if you must have a knock out punch this should be the focus, not SD.
I would recommend you just go, Leave, cut all ties. You don't need to justify or explain your actions to anyone. As for religion isn't abuse a reason for divorce?
Cryspyew, Very Well Said!
You deserve the gold star!
Hmmm, the fact you mentioned
Hmmm, the fact you mentioned how he would gaslight you to get you to stay means he needs you more than you need him. The fact you left will hit him deep in his gut. You have five weeks to keep yourself busy, to get you ducks in a row, sneak stuff out of the house you need to keep and any other things you need to do to make leaving seamless. Invent a new project as your cover. If you haven't told any friends about SD and DH's enmeshment, find a safe person. Why? So they can set people straight and correct the gossip milll. Church can be a great place but divorce can mess them up. If you are counting on them for support, then be sure to get your side out first with reliable people.
From the sounds of it he broke your vows. He did not forsake all others for you. That's a good reason for divorce.
Hand in there, you can do this.
Your knock out punch.
Your knock out punch.
When the deal is done I plan at that point to pack up and have him served, all in the same day.
Don't write him a letter. No matter how you word it he'll try to use it against you. Pack up. Leave. Have him served. Don't answer calls from him. That can be your knock out punch.
"Forsaking all others" in the
"Forsaking all others" in the vows means adult children, too. He has put her ahead of you, he's broken his vows.
I'm not religious, but from what I understand, most churches don't expect people to stay in marriages that are unhealthy and harmful to one or both of the partners. In a sense, he is cheating on you with his daughter.
If you want, sell the business, then try marriage counseling - if it would make you feel you've tried everything before you divorce.
You don't need a knockout
You don't need a knockout punch. You can leave him standing and still be gone.
For your own sake, though, you need to clarify what the real issue was in your marriage. It wasn't his daughter, it was him. He didn't put you first, he deceived you and he does not fulfill your needs. He is not what you want or need. It's that simple. His daughter couldn't cause you these problems if he was not totally complicit. She's a symptom, not a cause. Forget about her. You are leaving him because he failed as a husband.
Pretending all is well
I guess what my biggest problem right now is that I am letting on that I have accepted she will work for us until we sell. I HAVE NOT but that is what HE WANTS to believe and has convinced himself. I have made it clear I want her gone ASAP. His 'deal' is that she stay working with us until the sale and then she is the "new owners problem" That MAY very well be, but see, this is how he rolls....always passing the buck because he is too chicken to clean up his own messes!
So he asks "is everything ok?" because it clearly is not and I say "yes" because attempting to discuss is pointless! He will defend her and her employment with every ammunition he has...gaslighting, lying, victimhood, promises, " I should be grateful" (oh yes, that was what I got the last time I went there ) I already know what will happen EXACTLY so why bother going through it all!? But again...he will play victim that I said everything was ok when it was not so I feel culpable too, for leading him on. This adds tremedous pressure and guilt to already out of control anxiety for me! Will I be called out for not being honest? I just dont know what to do!
If you've had the
If you've had the conversation a million times and nothing changes, then you are right, it's pointless to have it again. No matter how you handle it, he will be upset and blame you after you leave, he's shown he's not willing to own his part in it. So just keep your head down and finish planning your exit.
Just tell him you are
Just tell him you are agreeing to disagree because you know he's going to do what he wants anyway. No need to feel guilt. You gave it your best shot. He failed. Do you really think he doesn't know what you want, even if you eventually concede?
You’re not lying
When he asks if everything is well. "Yes it is". Because you're finally getting OUT! I've read your posts and I see the common theme where you waver between your anger and then doubt on whether it was legitimate. Your feelings are your feelings. If you feel anger then you're angry. And you have every right to that emotion. Don't feel guilty afterwards for feeling angry. You know he's a manipulator. Accept that he won't ever change and is incapable of accepting blame. And in accepting that don't even make it a priority to explain yourself to him. If he can't accept blame then he also can't see reason no matter how many words you use to explain it to him. Just get out, make yourself safe and leave him to his own dysfunction.
34!!
I'm thinking OMG you have a step kid who is 34 years old and causing trouble in your marriage. I thought step kids stop being an issue in marriages as soon as they turn 18 and become adults. I guess then being involved with step kids is signing up for a life time of step hell. As long as they live they will always be a problem. Oooh nooo..my SS is 13 so I'm to deal with his shit for 50 + more years Ooooh noooo.... never thought of this until now.
its true....
It does not get better...they go away SOMETIMES>....but they ALWAYS come back! And because their emotional blackmail had the effect desired...daddys is all too compliant so as not to lose them again! its extortion that NEVER ends!!!
One Would Think So, But The Reality Is IT NEVER STOPS &
actually gets worse, because even though they're not in the house under the same roof, TRUST ME, THEY ARE THERE.
SD is so manipulative of her father and they've done the dance of dysfunction for so long, this is their "normal."
No, it never changes. You are in it for a lifetime unless you get out.
Find other things to keep
Find other things to keep your mind busy (like finding a new home), and commit to being Meryl Streep for the next few weeks.
Create a plausible cover for your behavior, like a big remodel of your home. Get paint swatches/ pamphlets, and use those as props. Blather on about decor, move furniture about, and be so generally annoying that your H retreats. This will create enough cover chaos for you to remove important things from the home. Maybe talk about taking a big trip this summer? Just create the appearance of being distracted by things he doesn't care about - he may see it as more freedom to be with his mistress. And keep siphoning money under the guise of deposits for co tractors, furnishings, etc
There is no need for you to
There is no need for you to deliver a knock out punch beyond having him served and a moving crew with a Constable present to oversee your departure and keep DH in check.
That series of actions says it all. If there is any conversation other than in court or between your attorneys just tell him you tired of his drama as a failed father and are no longer able or interested in watching him service the needs of his adult daughter over the needs of his adult relationship.
Then go. Once the sale of the company is complete, get on with your new life adventure leaving him and his failed family kidult daughter to figure out their lives without you.
After my XW moved out of our home and in with her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy we had little interface other than a periodic lunch meeting to work out a few details regading distribution of assets and property. The last time I saw her was in court the day our Divorce went before the Judge. Other than seeing her in a restaurant with her geriatric DH#2 and their two OOWL boys about 10 years after the divorce was final I have not layed eyes on my XW. I have had no interface with her since the settlement on the sale of the house was complete 3 years after the divorce. After walking out of the divorce hearing a free man and after having recovred my name from that cavern crotched skank whore I never initiated contact with her. She called me periodically to cry and lament her crappy choices post divorce, but I never called her.
Minimal to ZERO contact is the way to go IMHO. Just rip off that Band-aid and get on with your life as soon as you reach the point your counsel advises you wait until.
Take care of you and enjoy your drama free life.
Cold feet!
Thank you all for the well thought out replies! Everytime I doubt myself I need to have a little time alone with his phone and texts. Good lord I just read a few! The SD is absolutely satanic! Her whole world revolves around getting something out of him. She is obsessed! She was hassling him for a trip down here again so he says..."how about we meet halfway in .............."
and she says "no too touristy for me!" So here he is trying to keep her out of MY hair but offering her a trip somewhere else! Why are you offering her ANYTHING????? She is freaking 34 years old! She needs her OWN LIFE!!!!! then he mentions buying a condo for everyone to enjoy near the beach and she says, "well if youre going to buy a condo for HER kids (mine) then I want one too!" Who the hell said it was for MY KIDS??? MY KIDS dont need us to buy them things thanks! They are very self-sufficient! She is obsessed that someone is getting something and she is not! No one else worries about things like this! Only her!!!! I can not take it anymore! She is out of control with her controlling him!
Thank you for you advice! I will do all of it to get me through this and it MUST happen! No more cold feet!!!
Never Put It In Writing, & Unless He's A Fool He KNOWS WHAT IS
COMING.
He can thank his lucky stars you're not going to try to take him (& his other wife) for everything they own.
Be sure your movers are booked. Make a silent exit. Just slip out.
Do what's best FOR YOU, and what will CAUSE YOU the least grief.