Like maybe you made the rule not to help the oldest kids and you are the only one stopping you from helping your sons. 

where do your two oldest kids live? Do the two younger ones live with you and have the new benefit of your dh’s income? It seems a little unfair for only your two bios to gain privilege from your marriage and his two bios be cut out despite, the oldest at least, working to be a successful adult. 

His kids have always gotten whatever they wanted where my kids didn’t because we could barely afford our mortgage let alone anything else.

This reminds me of my own stepmother, who resents my father's kids over money. It is our fault she didn't have two pennies to rub together before she married my father.

There is a difference in occassionally helping out adult kids who are working towards independence, and throwing good money after bad on lazy entitled kids. My advice is to seperate finances from your husband. Take care of what you want and help your children if you want to with your own money. Let husband do the same. A year of marriage is not going to change years of prior behaviour.  All these kids sound like irresponsible leeches who need a kick up the jack.

We keep our finances seperate but both contribute equally to bills. If my husband wants to give money to his children he can without my permission . I help mine out asI wish without telling him. 

We are limited by law as to how much we can give away here (Australia) , as my husband is on a pension. 

Why would you two help any of these kids - they all refuse to speak to you unless they want money? And he jumps to give them money, and now you want to help your two, who also won't speak to you?

I wouldn't give any of them a penny. You can't buy their love, you are only cementing their disrespect.

Separate your finances and let him do what he wants with HIS money.  I'm glad my husband has never fallen into this whole idea that a relationship with his kids based on being used by them is better than none at all.  It isn't.

Before questioning yourself on the money, I'd question yourself on the husband.

His kids DO have contact with him, but it's always only when they need something. And he gives in, over and over. And your sons have an issue with him, to the point of ending a relationship with you. Have you stopped to ask them why? Could it be they see the manipulation many of us are seeing, where your role as wife is to be another bank account for your DH to drain, as well as bed warmer and live-in maid? Someone has taught his kids how to be users, and signs point that it could be him.

You always have a right to question where your money is being spent. You also have the right to not spend it. My guess is that if you separate your finances and tell your DH that he's on his own, he'll flip his lid. You're not useful unless you can be used, and my guess is your kids (including your younger two) see his intentions clearly. You'll lose them all if you try to keep up with your DH's stupidity.

I am going to rant here, sorry everyone. 

If your SD still has the dog and is housing is in an unsafe, dirty or environment where pets are not allowed, please call the local animal authority and ask them to please step in to find this poor animal a happy, healthy home with responsible pet owners asap.

I am so sick and tired of hearing about people who get a pet and take no responsibility in taking care of it the way it should be taken care of. It is also against the law to not provide an animal proper medical care, food, water, safe and clean shelter, and heat. 

Holy carp...why on earth is SD’s “rent” $1800??!! 

Do they not have dorms at her school? Is she living in a palace? 

My little sister is in DC in grad school (same age as your SD, fwiw, and paying her own way in a very expensive city) and her rent for a one-bedroom is $1200. Is your SD “too good” to live with roommates (my SS is, apparently). 

I’d really question that number. SD should have looked at her finances and gotten a place she could afford...not a place that’s in the top 5% of apartment rental prices nationwide. 

This behavior is affecting your home and your quality of life...SD is TWENTY-FIVE! It’s high time she started to budget...live within her means...get a job...

If your SD lives in an apartment that doesn't allow pets than you don't buy a dog. NO PETS means no pets. And why would you give her money to buy the dog. Is she really that spoiled that rules don't apply to her. She hides the dog. Oh she is going to be a great pet owner. SMH

Both of your step children should have jobs. The oldest for sure. If they need money for college and you can help out you should. But this nickel and dime stuff should stop. You are not doing them any favors. I can tell you this it will never stop if you keep doing it. They will be is their 30's and still want money. Your DH needs to get over feeling guilty and stop.

I've dealt with unreasonable financial requests from my SD and a husband who always said yes.

I reasoned with him, but it took a long time and I had to keep at it. Your husband is telling you what your skids are requesting, which is good. It's better than him giving them money and not telling you. Because he's telling you, you have a chance to reason him out of it.

Your SD did a stupid thing getting a dog when she only had months until she was out of college and could get an appropriate place for the dog and a job to pay for it. If she didn't ask his opinion about getting the dog, why should he be on the hook to pay for the dog's housing?

I convinced my husband by making it all about what's best for SD (because husbands don't care about what's best for their wives). I told him she's living a jet-setting lifestyle that he was paying for, "So what happens when you're dead or broke? SD will not be able to manage because she has no idea how to handle her money. Do you want to cripple her like that?"

I told him we could happily help her if she needed surgery or her house burns down, but givng her money so her dog can have chocolate baths and she can have a maid (yes, she has a maid for an $1800/mth apartment in an expensive city) is hardly fair to us -- my car is 13-year-old and we save our money like disaster is right around every corner. I told him I don't drive that ancient car so SD can have a maid and who with any sense would?

I also felt like maybe I was out of line sticking my nose in their financial affairs. But their financial relationship has direct impact on mine, so why shouldn't I speak up?

The other thing that resonated with him was to remind him that we're much closer to retirement than SD. If we don't want to be a burden to SD (remember, always make it about his skids if you want him to listen to you), we need to save OUR money now. SD is at the beginning of her earning life -- she has YEARS to save and budget for her own financial well being, but we're at the end and we need to take care of ourselves so we don't have to burden SD down the pike. This worked, I think.

You already have the benefit of having agreed not to help your kids. Remind him of this GENTLY and remind him of why you both agreed not to help them. It made sense to him at the time, so use that to get him back onboard.

Again, the key for me was to make him see that financial maturity is the only way SD would ever be able to stand on her own. It's not cruel to say "no." It's cruel to bail them out all their lives rather than teach them to make better decisions so they don't have to be repeatedly bailed out because someday, he won't be there to bail 'em out.

If their finances are linked to your husband, what happens when you have a financial crisis? Instead of it only affecting your household, it will collapse all his skids' households too because he never weaned them off his wallet.

This is simply a practical matter -- just like teaching a kid to tie his own shoes because it's not practical for dad to be there every time a 30-year-old's shoes need to be tied. So approach it like that -- it doesn't have to be about you guys being meanies. What is practical? Teaching them to be self sufficient is practical. Financially bailing them out of every stupid mistake they make isn't.

Good luck.

So does he have money to help his kids? Or he uses your money? If he takes money out from you to help them then of course I understand the frustration and i would make a scene because if you need someone to cheap in for your lazy brats go to bm. But if he uses his own money and still manages to pay all the bills and not stress you out about not having enough money I would let him. Grown ass man can decide where to spend his money. I don’t see the problem.

So, send all the money to your kids before he can send it to his.  See how he likes that.

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

For every dollar he gives his kids I would stash an equal amount in an account in my name only.

Have your husband send me the money instead. My mortgage is cheaper than you SD's rent so he'll be saving money! Win- win.  

None of you respect the man/sucker.  Your boys don’t because they see what a spineless whimp he is, his own kids don’t for the same reason, and you see it, too!  I few sorriest for your ow bio children.  Not tagging on you, but you’re certainly in a predicament and I’d say that your kids emotional suffering (watching their mom living with a sucker) is the probably the worst of it.  Settle in, though, because this is not going to change, well, not without divine help anyway.  Sorry if I sound harsh.

Btw, you have principles and some class.  I’m betting your husband didn’t have the parental role models you did?