Holiday gifts
Things evolve and we sometimes don't really notice, even though we might have pushed along the "evolution."
I've always loved giving gifts. Many years ago, I would buy the skids gifts from me, DH would buy them gifts from him, and sometimes we'd also get them gifts from the both of us--or I'd buy the gifts that were from the both of us. For the first years, I watched the "thank yous" directed solely toward DH (he would correct the skids). Skids also took jabs at us/me via gift giving over the holidays, purchasing only Dad things like men's slippers. DH told them not to give anything if they couldn't acknowledge me during the holidays, too--he told them their behavior was embarrassing and rude.
SS stopped giving altogether (he's such a cheapskate, anyway, so I'm sure he loved being told to just stop). SD, the more manipulative of the two, simply altered her approach, and began making DH things like "his favorite cookies" and sending them to "us" with notes that read, "Your Favorite!" lol. Last year, she sent homemade sourdough bread, and I thanked her for it via text, which must have horrified her, so she quickly called DH to make sure he knew it was for him.
What I didn't pay attention to is that once I stopped buying and sending gifts several years ago, DH started writing checks--not even sending gift cards. His gift-giving became very impersonal and, honestly, empty. Of course the skids noticed it. I had just never thought much about it. They clearly have seen the change.
I thought about all of this the other night when I had opened a box of gifts I had ordered for my niece's sons. DH was in the room and was curious. I showed him this really cool thing I bought for the 6-year-old that projects various moving images of the stars, planets, comets, etc. on the ceiling. DH's face sort of drained of blood for a moment. It looked like it hit him that, no, we don't do things like this for the skids and grands. We don't take joy in buying them anything we think they will love. I'm out.
Why? Because genuine heartfelt gift-giving on THEIR PART was never genuine, never heartfelt, and was only a game of holding up the middle finger during the holidays--and we stopped playing.
Nothing wrong with the way you feel
SK disrespect you by playing there games . It's hard to get joy from giving to people who just don't respect you. As a SP you can't expect SK to love you. But you must expect that SK respect you.
I gave up on expecting
I gave up on expecting anything, including respect, from them. But now the feelings are mutual.
Gifts....
This one is loaded! I understand why you stopped with the skids and their children. Giving should bring joy to both the recipient and the giver. I have found that if I am not giving from my heart, I stop giving.
Last Christmas I received a hoodie sweatshirt from YSD, which had the logo of a discount store on it. It is still in the plastic bag it was shipped in. #1 I don't wear hoodies. #2 I don't advertise for stores. #3 This one is important...this gift selection just reinforced to me that the giver does not know me at all! I am almost always dressed up; it's how I feel comfortable. Even more important, it also told me she was not interested in knowing me at all. It is not difficult to observe a person to note their likes/dislikes. Or to ask. Or even to ask her father, who knows what I like. Every year I had put a lot of thought, time, and effort into gifting YSD; I ask for a list and I make careful selections to ensure that she has nice, quality gifts. I wrap them up beautifully. I enjoy the whole process.
I am checking out of the gifting. It is now up to DH. I will concentrate my efforts where they are acknowledged and appreciated.
I know I am recycling this
I know I am recycling this comment from an older post, but feel like it warrants a reshare in this case:
In the early years, I was fairly generous with getting gifts for SD29, out of the kindness of my heart and also out of helping DH financially give her a nice Christmas to the best of my ability too, even though funds were limited on both of our ends at that time. Then would also contribute some cash his way to put towards whatever gifts he wanted for the grands. Now I have fallen away from making much of an effort, once I was met with lack of grattitude. Or when I got the message from SD as if these things were expected more than appreciated. I dont recall ever getting a thank you from SD or a response. nor has she gotten anything for me at Christmas in ages. Cant remember the last time I received anything, not that I get all hung up about keeping score.
Last year was no exception. DH did all the shopping on his own. Unknown to me until Christmas Day, it turned out he gifted her a 5 dollar candle on my behalf, that I had no idea about let alone picked out. That was news to me. I am sure she knew that, but still didnt get a thank you from her, but perhaps that might have been nice even though, on the other hand, I really dont deserve the credit. Not like that bothers me anymore the way it used to.
She at least got DH a card which I found while sorting and organizing our stuff last year. Was only made out to DH as only he was mentioned. All gushing about how happy she is about "ARE BOnd" meaning OUR as in just her and him . Im sorry, to be a Grinch.. but ...Barf! Again, not like I expected anything.Now its kind of funny that since last Christmas,months later... she came at me for "pushing her way".
@MorningMia..Im sure i had already commented this to you before too, but also when DH did receive a gift from SD, it was clearly something that only he would have use for ( a male shaving kit, that kind of deal)
To be fair, DH was sent with some little homemade crafts from SD;s kids which I accepted graciously of course. Was going to ignore the fact that these things were presented in this kind of crumbled old paper bag that was saturated with stale ass cigarette smoke that SD must have tossed them into. Nothing from her persay. They say its the thought that counts.
There was a time when I woud have been so hurt and devastated feeling like I was excluded by her,. Now. I have handled it so much better and rolls right off my back as I shrugged it off. Does the little crafts from the kids make me upset or feel guilty for my disengagement, since its Christmas time? Sometime yes, when I let it bother me. Should I feel guilty regarding not getting SD anything, seeing that I feel like I am simply matching effort now?
She has sworn that she "dont want nuttin from me" after insulting me for not giving her whatever she wanted. Well, then id want to say that this means she cant or wont get upset when she does indeed get "nuttin" from me .She probably will once again decide that she is butthurt months later about it anyway. Oh well.
Gift giving (or receiving) is
Gift giving (or receiving) is not my love language, but it's still a hot button item for me.
SD was highly praised for her gift selection "insights." And it is true--she almost always give both DH and me thoughtful gifts. But the process was definitely an insider thing between SD and DH. Starting mid-summer, they would start texting about her great ideas from everyone on her list and DH's list.
I tried to let it go as "their thing" but I resented DH ignoring any budget and essentially using my money on things I was excluded from. So I started giving him my opinions as well. He was horrified. I was "competing" with SD.
The last straw was my suggestion for theater tickets for his sister. Oh, no, he says. He doesn't like to give tickets (news to me and contrary to direct experience). A few weeks later he reports on SD's great idea of theater tickets for his sister. Holy smokes he did not like it when I held that mirror up to him. But he couldn't deny the truth.
As DH learned over the years not to discard his wife whenever SD demanded his attention, SD pulled away as she lost mini-wife status. She's no longer speaking to him AT ALL. And has never said specifically why. It's sad for DH but he's giving her what he gets--nothing.
Gifting
I am no contact with SD25 Feral Forger since last time she decided to call me a wh@re via text during a spat with Husband. Now even he doesnt do anything more for her after she raked him over the coals about giving her money. SD18 Princess Powersulk, I will give her $$. Shes generally kind towards me. She has never given me a Christmas card or gift, I would take her out shopping and spend about $125 on what she wanted. Now its a gift card and shes happy with that.
I know exactly what you mean,
I know exactly what you mean, MorningMia. I have always tried to give loved ones gifts that they might get for themself, or at least like - and I used to do this for the SDs when they were younger. However, they were not often taken home to BM's and ones that were, probably got binned. In return I only got passive-aggressive gifts which I think were intended to show me what my worth was in their eyes - ie horrible, secondhand or ultra cheap things. I think exchanging gifts with people determined to see you in a bad light is a waste of time - and money!