How bad is this?

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I tore two photos, one DH’s ex and the other the ex with her daughters. I want to know how bad you think this is.

DH and I have been married for three years. We have a two-year-old daughter. DH and his ex had two adult children, SD1, 31 and SD2, 25. DH and I started dating after they were divorced, so I didn’t know much about the ex. Two years ago, not long after my daughter was born, both stepdaughters (one also with a boyfriend) came to our house. They didn’t tell DH the reason for their visit until they had arrived. Actually, they came to stay at their father’s house for several days for their mother’s wedding. DH’s ex moved to another state with her partner a year before, but obviously wanted to come back to this city to have the wedding. We provided accommodations, cooked food, and even paid for theme park tickets (before their arrival, SD2 asked DH to buy tickets) for that woman’s wedding guests. This was not the only thing that made me angry. My parents were also visiting at that time. They cooked all their meals and washed all dishes, but SD1 and SD2 never thanked them. What’s more is whenever SD1 saw my parents, she always showed them a stern face. Before the visit, SD1 told DH she was short, so we sent her $500. It wasn’t a big amount, but since DH and I were together, we had given her several thousand dollars. She not only never thanked me, but also gave me the same stern face she gave to my parents whenever she saw me. One night, when DH was out, SD1 and SD2 had a big fight. SD1 shouted at SD2, and stomped so hard on the floor several times so we could feel the house shaken, and then slammed the door loudly. There was a baby in the house for god’s sake! It was more understandable about SD1’s attitude if she was forced to come to her mother’s wedding as she said (she complained to DH that she had no interest, but her mom invited her to this event), but she announced in her social media that attending her mother’s wedding was one of her happiest moments. I don’t know what to say.

When DH and the ex got divorced, he bought out the house because she didn’t want it. She left everything that belonged to their daughters such as photos (including her photos with them) and childhood memorabilia, to my husband to deal with. Their belongings occupied most of the storage spaces in the basement and the garage. It became a problem when my daughter got a bit older. I wanted to put away some of her toys so that I could rotate them, but I couldn’t find any space in the basement and the garage. When I moved into this house, my husband asked me to keep the house as it was to protect his daughters’ feelings, and I didn’t object at that time. What made me feel frustrated was SD1 and SD2 took it for granted, and showed zero appreciation. DH and I didn’t use the master bedroom. We lived in his old bedroom where he stayed during his previous marriage. That room was originally SD1’s room and the closet was still full of her stuff when I moved in. It was highly inconvenient. I lived in this room but had all my things in another room. However, I left SD1’s stuff untouched for more than two years. The behaviors during her stay at our house made me realize that she didn’t appreciate my effort, so I finally moved her stuff to the basement earlier this year. Those things were so dusty and even SD1’s panties were still there. The shelves in the basement were full of SD1 and SD2’s stuff, so I stacked SD1’s belongings on the ground. SD2 texted DH saying that “her heart sank” when she saw her sister’s belongings were moved out of the closet. She took photos and sent them to SD1. SD1 complained to DH saying she and her sister thought I was disrespectful. DH was very upset and blamed me for putting SD1’s belongings on the ground. He calmed down after he heard my explanations but SDs didn’t buy it.

Another thing was also annoying. SD2’s college was about 200 miles away from where we live. She stayed in that city after graduation and worked on some part time jobs. She came back several times a year for various reasons such as school breaks, doctor’s appointments and holidays, and often brought her boyfriend of the time or other male friends with her. They usually didn’t help out with anything. It was fine when there were just DH and me. However, after the baby was born, her visits felt like a burden to us. Since her bio mom was further away, we were the only host for her visits.

DH was an enabler, especially to SD2, but she was not very close to him. SD2 is much closer to her mom and they often claimed on Facebook how much they loved each other. Ironically, when there was a problem, SD2 thought of us. Last December, SD2 came to stay with us after she broke up with her boyfriend. Not long after she was back, she went to another state to visit her mom. DH and I hoped she would stay there. Well, she came back after over a week and stayed with us for the next 5 months. After she came back from her mom’s place, she started to claim her territory in this house. She moved out everything belonging to me from the bathroom near her room, moved around the furniture when we were at work, and put more of her stuff on the shelves and walls (these shelves and walls were already full of her childhood projects) in the house. She also did many ridiculous things such as peeking in our drawers and closets, taking my personal and even her baby sister’s stuff without asking, and recording DH when he lost his temper to our daughter’s cry, etc. She ate up anything she likes without any consideration of other people. She didn’t do house chores and paid no bills but still had a strong attitude towards DH and me. When DH sent her an email asking her to share some house chores, she ignored the message completely and had an even stronger attitude. It felt like it was not her living in our house for free, but we were living in her house for free. There was even more. I threw away a dusty artificial plant because my daughter began to touch it. SD2 found the plant in the garbage can and said to me that if I wanted to throw away anything that was left in this house, ask her first. I was so angry. I was the one who shared the payment of mortgage and other bills for this house, not her. I kept everything as it was in the house as a courtesy, not an obligation. I don’t know what made her think that she had the right to order me to ask her permission when I wanted to throw away things in my house. While we were stuck with SD2, her bio mom was on cruises and visiting natural parks. DH and this woman together raised a failure to launch case, but DH and I had to be the only party to pay for this failure.

SD2 finally left our house after 5 months of stay. She didn’t go to her mother’s house, but moved back to her college city. I got so depressed before she left. I couldn’t fall asleep nights after nights, developed headaches and had to see a therapist. One day after she left, when I was moving some DH’s ex family photos from the master bedroom to the basement, I saw a photo of his ex. I couldn’t control my anger at the moment and tore the photo. I then saw another photo of the ex with two daughters, my anger continued and I tore that photo too. However, I wasn’t feeling happy after tearing two photos, so I stopped. I threw the pieces into the garbage bag in the basement and forgot about them. We didn’t put anything rotten in the garbage bag, so it usually stays there for a while. However, this caused a big trouble. Later SD2 came back again for a doctor’s appointment. The first thing she did after we went to sleep was to check the basement, dig the garbage and found the two photos in pieces. Then a huge storm came. SD2 immediately told SD1 and they bombed DH with texts in the middle of the night. DH was very angry and said he was so disappointed with me. He wrote an email to SD1 and SD2 to apologize on my behalf. SD1 and SD2 were not satisfied with their father apologizing on my behalf and claimed that they wanted to set up a virtual meeting so that I could apologize to them by myself. DH didn’t want me to face them because he knew they were difficult. He let their request sit for a while. Then he wrote a long message to ask them to forgive and at the same time ask them to think about a way to move their stuff to other places. SD1 and SD2 didn’t respond to DH’s message. DH later calmed down and was no longer angry with me, but he often says that what I did was unethical. He also said I had been a kind person for all my life and this behavior would be a stain I had to carry on for the rest of my life. I know I shouldn’t have torn those photos, but is it really this bad? Do I owe them an apology?

Sorry for the long post. But this whole thing has been haunting me for months. I appreciate your thoughts.

hhpurple

That was fricking gold! You had hit a sore spot and acted upon it. Its done. Big fricking deal. The way the snotty SD's reacted is expected. They are looking for ANYTHING to cause drama with you. So ignore them. As for your DH. His response was over the top and was reacting this way because his perfect princesses were upset. What a drama king he is " a stain to carry for your life and unethical." What did you do murder someone? C'mon what a dick head.

You apologized to him and explained so done, finito. How about the SD's apologizing to you for being the byatches that they are? How about DH apologizing to you for putting up with their sh*t?

Let it haunt you no more...dang I wish I had scizzors to cut up pic of my ex SD and BM LOL

1) Those bratty adult skids

1) Those bratty adult skids need to stay the hell away from your house.

2) Your husband is a piece of work for making you feel bad about any of that.

3) I might have burned all of it.

A stain you'd have to carry

A stain you'd have to carry the rest of your life ? Lololol. Uhm...what about the "stain" of him allowing his grown children to act this way? Talk about deflecting...wow. I'd be loading up a lot of that stuff and taking it to the dump. When asked about where things were I'd just say, "gee, I don't know.". Maybe then they'd find somewhere else to keep their stuff.

WAY too much drama in that

WAY too much drama in that house. You need an "ours" house, not his former family house. Is he open to that idea? His kids are grown and if they won't leave the nest themselves, time to move the nest. Preferably with no basement, and no rooms assigned to their stuff. They can share one small guest room if they come to visit.

If their little fee fees are hurt, so what? These are adults and it's time they get on with their own, independent lives. If they want their childhood stuff so badly, they can come get it. But you sure as heck don't need to keep a shrine for them.

I second what Merry has said

I second what Merry has said here.

Sell that house and move to an ours house post haste. If the ex wants it preserved as a shrine for her babies...then she can buy it and manage that mess.

Get a house you both love and have equal say over. Make sure you're on the deed as joint tenants with rights of survivorship.

A SMALL house, too.

OMG! They have been treating

OMG! They have been treating you like garbage and your home like a hotel and shrine for years and now you owe them an apology for tearing up two photos? I would have thrown all of their crap out that had been sitting there for years.

Your DH owes you an apology for being a shite spouse and not a proper partner! And ignore the witchy sds. They can eff off.

You live with an emotionally

You live with an emotionally abusive man! The fact that he has brow beat you into thinking the house must remain a shrine to his adult daughters and failed marriage is appalling. Your DH needs serious therapy to deal with his inability to move past his failed marriage and to deal with him allowing his children to dictate his marriage to him. I hope you get some counseling and find your courage to leave such an abusive man.

I'm not one to yell run, but

I'm not one to yell run, but girl please... you deserve so so much better. Dump hi s ass - leave him with cinderella's stepdaughters and Find someone who treats you right.

There used to be photos of BM

There used to be photos of BM in my house. Sadly over time they have all ended up ripped to shreds and in the bin. Next time make sure DH doesn't see!

My bm pics and other pics of

My bm pics and other pics of dh's ex lovers went down the toilet n burned in the firepit. Very cathartic! Their wwdding album also went bye bye

"A stain you'll carry for the

"A stain you'll carry for the rest of your life" ahaha hahahahaha hahahaha!!!! That's so rich.

Better than the two crotch stains he's saddled with for the rest of his life, I suppose.

Seriously though. I get why you don't feel great about tearing the photos. It sounds like it is beneath you because it sounds like you are very kind and giving...but people have their breaking points, you know? It's not the unforgivable sin...it's a petty action done in anger. We all do stuff like that sometimes. Your DH sounds a bit dramatic.

Do you know what actually IS unethical, from both a legal and moral standpoint? Expecting and/or coercing someone to pay half of the mortgage on a home they have no say over. If I were you, I'd refuse to pay another penny on the mortgage until ALL the ex-wife's stuff is OUT. Gone for good.

How dare he move you in and expect you to live in a shrine to his ex wife and his grown daughters??? That's sick. And then to expect you to pay for the privilege?? Even sicker.

Please, please, please tell me your name is on the deed to the home?!

(PS - you know what. If those photos were so damn priceless and irreplaceable any one of those three women could have come and gotten them during the past three years. Know why they haven't? Because they're marking "their" territory. If I were you, I'd be tempted to send an email/text to all three: "I won't live with your stuff any more. Everything will be on the curb at 8 am this Thursday morning. If you want it, come pick it up before the trash man does. He's usually here around 7 am on Fridays.")

I mean...honestly. You've been more than generous and more than accommodating for years. Like Gimlet, I'm steamed on your behalf. Time to take your power back.

This is crazy - no offense,

This is crazy - no offense, OP - but how did you move into that home that was effectively left untouched after his ex-wife and kids moved out? How in the world did you agree to live in a bedroom that still had his daughter's panties in the closet? What is in the master bedroom, BM's bras and make-up?

I think that you totally ignored an army of red flags, but here you are, married and with a child. It's time to demand that the house is cleaned out and sold, and you and he start your own life in a new house. If he won't agree, hard as it will be, take your daughter and move out. This guy needs a wake-up call.

I don’t think what you did was bad, I think your situation is

I don't think what you did was bad, I think your situation is bad!

Now that DH is upset with you, it's a great opportunity to explain to him how your feeling and make some changes.

explain that your paying half the bills and that you need to make the house your home. It's been long enough and the kids are way old enough. Suggest selling and getting your own home and if he objects then settle with making the house yours and rules the kids have to abide by when the visit. They are visitors!

You've been treated poorly here and it's important for a woman to have a house she can make a home. It's in our biology.

If the kids valued their belongings they would have taken them with them and not left them in the house. I wouldn't further apologise about this and simply ask for them to remove their belonging s and move yourself into the master bedroom. Stay staunch on this and get what you want. You need to be assertive and fair but this is not a stain of your character. The good you do should outweigh the bad and all it will be is a reminder of how bad the old way way when your a prisoner in your own home. It'll be a reminder of how badly DH treated you until you stood up for yourself- I'd be telling him that too.

I have ripped, cut up, burnt

I have ripped, cut up, burnt and trashed ALL pics of DH's whore ex. Even the naked ones she had, well I showed my gf's first to trash talk her before destroying them. I even collected a bunch of pics and put them in a box to mail to her sorry ass one year for Christmas. It never got sent, but I came across them recently. I dont mind looking at them and cutting a few up for those difficult times. Maybe I'll save them for the future as she has had quite the dental work done since the pics. My DH does not care to see her face period and has cut her out of family photos as well. I had made my point clear to DH that I had the courtesy to get rid of my past before we moved in together, and he should have done the same. There are still some things lingering but its not as emotional of a reaction now as it was in the beginning. He even sold his house for a fresh, disease free life.

Your DH should have "exorcized the demon" and made "this house (is) clear" before you moved it.

A sage burning ritual at

A sage burning ritual at LEAST. Full exorcism even better.

I have a picture of Meth

I have a picture of Meth Mouth right after she drove off a cliff and looks horrible...I have it saved and some day I will post it all over social media where that c@nt can't do anything about getting it taken down...it's my payback to her for stealing a photo of my son with his grandparents and posting it all over her social media to berate my DH.

You’ve got a really shitty husband!!

Not once has he made them apologize to you and stop their nonsense but he sure will make you apologize to princess adultbaby tantrums!!

i see a failed father and a failed husband. I wouldn't have any intimacy with a man like this!!

You should have never

You should have never tolerated any of it. It's a simple rule, you should have the same expectations of your significant other towards you as he would want from you towards him.

As far as the house goes, if he isn't willing to share it with you equally save your money and get a place of your own. You pay bills for a house that is for other people to live in and enjoy. You are an adult who works hard and deserves to reap the benefits of that.

When SO and SKs moved into my home. He was given his own space to make his own for his stuff. All remodeling and decorating decisions are made together.

The only argument we had is when redoing the kids rooms he wanted OSD to have full creative control. I told him absolutely not. She can decorate her room as she pleases but anything permanent like paint , flooring will be my decision. I made it clear she does not pay the bills around here she doesn't get to decide those things. If she doesn't like it she can go buy her own house and decorate it any way she chooses.

As far as personal belongings, they stay in Thier rooms anything that is left out around the house gets tossed. If they can't fit thier crap in Thier space they either need to purge or I will do it for them.

I'm sorry but these disney parents kill me. They are the children not adults and should know thier place. As far as I am concerned being an adult is a title you earn when you launch and become self sufficient.

What kind of a sicko digs

What kind of a sicko digs through the garbage after everyone has gone to bed?!

I sincerely hope you are on the deed to this house seeing as you are on the hook for the mortgage (and if you are not on the hook just stop paying - tell him that you are not paying for a place where you're treated worse than a tenant, at least a tenant can put what she wants in her cupboards and decorate as she pleases). And if you are not, you better make sure your ball-less wonder of a husband puts you on it. Tell him that you are SO disappointed in him that he doesn't respect his marriage.

Don’t worry, been there and done worse

There was a large photo of BM and SD that used to hang in the marital home. BM sent that to DH in one of her crazy moments. In one of mine I used that canvas to line the bottom of my bird cage so I could watch my budgies shit on their faces for a week Buggered if I have to look at BM's face any time I had to get something out of the shed

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love it !!!!

I regret that i can only

I regret that i can only upvote this once lol

Literally brilliant.

The worst I ever did was hide BM's final CS check. Because DH hadn't been making money for years...I'd been paying it...but somehow he'd agreed to one more check to tide her over during the summer even though youngest was 18 and graduated from high school May 30. He felt bad not doing June, too.

Don’t know where I am 4 th or 5th

You must sell that house buy your own our house. Junk in basement must go into a dumpster. Actually all junk into the dumpster. Start fresh. SD do not stay at the new house. They can visit for holidays like other children

SDs don't live in the house

SDs don't live in the house so you aren't obligated to keep none of their stuff. If they cherished those photos, they had to take them with them, not leave in your house. I'd pitch all their stuff and demand to sell the house and buy a new one and I sure wouldn't pay mortgage on this house since apparently you have no say.

Thanks everyone!

Thank you everyone for your support! I feel much better. Really appreciate your comments. However, my little one keeps me so busy. I will surely share some updates later.

I've done the same. I just

I've done the same. I just made sure I shredded the evidence! LOL I'll admit that I felt pangs of guilt, but I also was 99.9% sure all of the ladies had their copies. They made sure to give their dad a stack of photos that, of course, included he and their mom (and them) in them. The guilt of shredding them didn't last very long--it's the least you could do!

On to your husband who lacks balls. He's the one that should feel guilty for raising witches who treat his wife and baby girl poorly. Because when they hurt you, they are hurting their little sister/his/your child, too. They could care less about their sibling, as they could care less about anyone other than themselves. What hell you've endured. It's long past due that you set your ball-less husband down and share your feelings with him and give him ultimatums, which will include couples counseling! Further, he needs to know that you will not stand for either of his grown women to stay in your house for any longer than a week at a time for holidays only. He will instruct them to gather their things and store them at their own stays-not yours. Whatever they leave will be subject to being thrown away. They're grown, therefore they need their things. The connection to your safe place needs to be severed.

Counseling will help get the above done. There must be boundaries for you and your child to survive with this man. There's a reason you keep referring to SD1 and SD2---He's been married or cohabitating twice before you. I hope your child doesn't become SD3. Best to you as you get the courage to have the talk.

If you find more pics, you might just shred one for good measure! Wink wink lol

It might also help while you

It might also help while you are setting your ultimatums, to remind him how much child support and possibly alimony could cost him... Then ask him if his retirement is sufficient for his needs.

Rub his nose in it...

The clock is ticking

Do the SDs have a place to keep their own childhood stuff and memorobilia? If so, I'd insist they get it out of YOUR home now. Set a deadline. If it's really important to them, they'll come and get it. What's more likely is that half of it is crap and they'd toss it if they had to deal with it. They don't necessarily want this stuff or value it, they just like the idea of having power in YOUR home. If they don't have space, I'm sure they can find storage units to rent.

I can't believe your husband has treated you like a 3rd class citizen in your home. He should be ashamed of himself, truly. He does not sound like a good husband or a good father. I hope you can keep your own daughter from turning out like her half-sisters. This man is unlikely to be a good influence on her.

Totally agree! The stuff

Totally agree! The stuff they leave at "dad's" house is a power thing.

Completely agree with this.

Completely agree with this. We gave crazy SD23 one year after college to leave her stuff in her room at our home. She complained and pulled out all the narcissist toxic drama crap (SO is bad father because other fathers would provide a room for their child to stay with them whenever they want - LOL) but eventually we got her stuff out. SO was the one who got rid of it since SD23 whined she no space for it.

We allow her to store 2 boxes of a few things (degrees, high school awards, etc) but that is it. Even that will go eventually but I can give some time since it isn't in my daily view the way her 'room' was.

No way in hell I would ever live in a museum to a failed marriage. No BM crap and once the SKs are old enough they need to get their crap out. It is supposed to be your home together and yet you don't even have closet space in your own bedroom?? Ridiculous.

I would tell DH that SK's stuff needs to go and house will be redecorated without prior family baggage. End of story. He can get SK's a storage unit with his own money if its so 'valuable' to keep it.

I've never been so mad ...

I have never been so mad for someone else's life and someone I don't even know.... My God I am so sorry for you!!

You sound like such a nice person and far too tolerant of other people's BS!!!

There is so much wrong here.... Unfortunately EVERYTHING is wrong.... there is nothing that is right in this ...

Ripping up the pictures is nothing compared to the life your DH has forced on you, that life is what is unethical! Personally all of that stuff would have been out before I moved in... DH should have told them to come get it and if they didn't YARD SALE!!! and everything is FREE!!!!!!!!! and the pictures .... garbage!! What the hell is he thinking asking you to live like that?

Let's go with the highlights.....

First I searched back through it sounded like when you were speaking of the room you sleep in that there was more than one ex in your DH's life .... did I get that right?

The SK's are adults and their stuff needs to be at their own houses or pay for a storage unit. They are old enough to live on their own.

When your DH asked you to marry him he was starting a life with you. This is all his past, his baggage that he should have dealt with before he asked you.

His not understanding the absurdity of asking you to live like this, taking his daughters and his ex over you and his life with you is not going away even if you move to a new house. That character flaw is going to follow him. The fact that he hasn't stuck up for you and he lets these horrible brats run your household is awful. You have your own child to think of. He should be thinking of her too. Your child is young and needs him, his kids are grown.

I live in the house that my my DH and his ex lived in. I changed EVERYTHING and while the kids maybe even to this day still have a box or 2 here, the boxes are in the attic in a corner. My son has a few here too. There were a few things in the attic that were BM's when we met and I made sure they were sent home with SD. The only way I would live here was if it was mine to do as I wanted. Otherwise we would get another house.... plain and simple...

This is really bad behavior

This is really bad behavior by your husband. If I were you I would pack up all of the SD's things and move it to a storage unit, pay for two months, and mail them the key. Then I would redecorate the master bedroom, new paint, flooring, and furniture and I would move into it.

Then I would tell DH thst when he's ready to apologize to you he can join you in the master bedroom.

Better would be to sell the house and start fresh in your own home. If that's not possible then at least make sure you are on the title to the home.

Thanks again!

I’d like to thank everyone again for the support! After reading your posts, I removed all SD2’s stuff from the family room. Oh, I felt so much better whenever I walked in that room. DH asked me if I’d put them back when SD2 was here. I told him “No, everything I put away won’t be back.” He didn’t say anything.

I really want to sell the house, but it is too costly. I came to join DH from another place, and I worked on contracts after I moved to this city. DH and I originally planned to sell the house after I got a more secure job and we’d move to somewhere close to where I work, but my daughter came, so I had to postpone my job search. It is too costly to sell the house now, buy another one, and then sell it again in two to three years. However, sometimes I’d think no matter what the cost would be, as long as it could make me feel better, I’d do it. But my reason always wins over at last

DH had just one ex. She used to live in the master bedroom, but she moved all the furniture out with her and left a few things there. I wasn’t very interested in living in that room because I thought we’d move to another house soon. Then I got pregnant. I was worried about chemicals from the new furniture, so it wasn’t DH’s fault for not living in the master room. After my daughter was born, we turned the master bedroom into my daughter’s playroom.

DH saw a therapist from time to time. His therapist also said he was too soft on his two older daughters. He isn’t afraid of confronting authorities, but when he faces his adult children, he becomes such a coward. He apologizes often to me for their behaviors, but he just didn’t have the gut to tell them these behaviors were unacceptable.

I’m not a very assertive person and my parents taught me to be as kind as possible. However, this can easily be taken advantage of. I really appreciate everyone sharing your thoughts and suggestions with me. I think I need to be more assertive and tougher on DH and SDs.

Thanks for updates!

I too, moved into the previous marital home.

I too, pissed off an SD by moving things and replacing art and throwing things out - Feral Forger who was 15.5 years when I met and started a relationship with her father. The parents were separated not divorced. He has since divorced the mother, Toxic Troll, and married me.

I too, found photo albums and cards and I too took one of those photos (actually more than one, but whose counting...) and cut that motherpucker up.

HOWEVER. I also burned it. LOL.

My Dh, when he moved Toxic Troll out (he kicked her out after finding out she was cheating) sold or gave away everything possible so she couldnt come back to claim anything. she still tried to take a statue and a mirror. She got the mittor.

When I found the pictures and photo albums, I took out the baby photos for Dh to keep. They are mostly Feral Forger. The wedding pics, I felt morally obligated to Sd's as that was a part of their legacy. I sent them back to Toxic Troll to keep. So Toxic Troll can realise what she threw away, but also its part of their past, and I felt it was morally right thing to do.

That being said - boundaries are needed. You are just getting started. They will resist. Stand strong. Enforce whenever necessary, do not bend because they will see it as weakness.

Feral Forger SD21 tried to move back in over a year ago. Pre-COVID. DH told her she would have to work things out with me first. Crickets. LOL. She has called me names, treated me like dirt, and beeon horrible to me. I couldnt imagine ever having to live with her filthy self ever again.

OH, and we bought the house. Joint tenancy, with rights of survivorship. BOTH names on it. We each pay for mortgage equally.

Id get the message to SD's that they need to pick up their stuff. They have 30 days. Give deadline. Decorate the heck out of this house. Redo as you see fit. Sage that sucker! Enjoy the process.

More updates!!!! please

Good grief that was just too

Good grief that was just too much...I would be lieing if I said I read through it all because quite frankly, I saw where you were going with this soon after the BM's wedding issues....look you have the right to feel human in your own place. The SD are all grown and if they say they have never had a moment of rage or uncontrollable anger in a brief moment then they are lying. Point blank yes what you did was probably not the most virtuous thing to do but hey if they valued those photos soooo much then why weren't they framed up at the SDs houses. I think all you did was create a bull's eye on your back for the two of them and your spineless SO fell for it hook,line and sinker with that email bologna. You do not need to apologize although I'm sure bending over backwards for those two are the only way you will ever get them to be semi-cordial to you in the future. If I were you I would tell my DH I was sorry for leaving the shreds of photos where his daughter could find it, but I wouldn't apologize for lashing out of frustration from the situation he's cornered you into. His daughter's are disrespectful and show ill will towards you at the best. Their valuables should have moved with them when they moved out and them pretending like this is such a big deal and him feeding into it like its some huge attack is childish drama. Ask him, "if I apologize, what would it accomplish? because it sounds like those two harpies have already decided to dislike me from even before all of this, now they just have a reason to fill justified" He can either accept how you feel or not, if he doesn't then you need to look for a new place because playing whipping girl to his daughters isn't a life to live.

If your dh thinks you were

If your dh thinks you were disrespectful because you disposed of a couple of photos, point out how disrespectful it is to expect a new wife to live in a shrine for a failed marriage. Remind him that if he wants to wallow in his failure, there is no point in trying to build a future together. You are his passport to a better life but if he' doesn't want to move forward, that's his problem.

You are too young to waste the rest of your life with this crap.

Frankly, he's a sad loser.

Frankly, he's a sad loser. Kick his arse into the 21st century.

Both SDs don’t have a regular

Both SDs don’t have a regular place. SD1 can’t hold a job for very long, so she often moves from jobs to jobs, and places to places. SD2 is still figuring out what she wants to do even though she’s already graduated from college for three years. She’s living in one of the rooms in a rental house. They don’t have their own place to store their things and they don’t want to pay for rental storage either. They think it’s their right to have free storage in their dad’s house. DH finally brought up the topic of moving their stuff out of this house with SDs, and it shut them up for demanding an apology.

Last time when SD2 was here for a doctor’s appointment, she told DH she’d be back in two weeks for another appointment. DH suggested she could visit doctors in her city. Her response was like a five year old. I heard her saying “I want to see doctors in [**].” DH told SD2 if she wanted to come here to see doctors, she couldn’t use his car (DH lent his car to SD2 when she moved out) and she needed to rent a car or use other public transportations. SD2 finally got the point that she was not welcome here. She cancelled the following appointment and hasn't been back for doctor’s appointments since.

DH and I read a recent publication “Failure to Launch: Why Your Twentysomething Hasn't Grown Up...and What to Do About It” by Mark McConville. This book really helped him to see how enabling he was all these years and to get started to set boundaries. He no longer gives money to SDs. I recently had a conversation with him about this house. I told him since we were unable to move to another house any time soon, I was going to make some changes to this house. He said that sounded fair. I think I need to set boundaries with him too to make me feel better.

Good for you, this sounds

Good for you, this sounds like real progress. Just know that DH may regress a bit from time to time, especially when SDs will really pull out the guilt trips, so help gently remind him of what needs to happen.

This sounds like my SD23 - rents a room in a house and doesn't make much money, lives in expensive city (SF). Then complains they have nowhere to store their precious stuff. Not my circus, not my monkees. Not gonna use my home as her personal storage unit to come and go as she pleases. In the end she didn't want the 'precious stuff' and it all got thrown/given away by SO. They are adults and if they want stuff it is their responsibility to store it so suck it up buttercup.

Good for you. These are baby

Good for you. These are baby steps but you're headed in the right direction. Be prepared for more retaliation from the stepdaughters. But be firm or they'll be walking over you forever. If I were you I would reclaim the master bedroom. New furniture, paint and flooring chases out old ghosts. Make it yours.

I agree. The principle

I agree. The principle adults in the house should sleep in the master bedroom - so I would make it yours. The little one can use the current room (or SD's room - converted to a nursery/play room - that will really p*ss them off).

Good luck!

Your SDs will only lauch

Your SDs will only lauch successfully once they're thrown out of the nest and left to fend for themselves. I'm beginning to realise I had a much different upbringing to these spoilt SDs on StepTalk. We were poor, like way below the poverty line poor. And money management was just a fact of life. In fact my early adult years gave me some of the best experiences because for the first time in my life I could afford certain luxuries with my new job. All these SDs that have had daddy paying and providing for everything are so accustomed to luxury that they expect to cruise through life with the same comforts that they were entitled to as kids. And they'll never learn the value of money until they sit in their unheated apartment staring at their empty pantry and decide maybe that designer handbag was a bad buy. The lesson will never be learnt if a bit of guilt tripping gets DH into rescue mode.

Agreed. I grew up strongly

Agreed. I grew up strongly middle class and it was a culture shock to move out on my own at 18 when couch change for a box of mac and cheese was a delight. Best times of my life.

Excuse me? A stain you'll have to live with for the rest of your

life? Who is he? A priest? He acts like you just came in for confession or something.And what about his sick daughter going through the basement trash, waiting until you all had gone to bed? What about her stain? I'm sure that got a free pass, right?

I would tell him, "My stain pales in comparison the stains (plural) you'll have in your drawers when I kick your ball-less ass to the curb and sue you for child support until my daughter is out of college."

Seriously, he is trying to "guilt" you into feeling badly over something so irrelevant.

So many of us have thrown away things that have no value or significance in our lives. So what? It doesn't make us Lucifer. WE ARE HUMAN and WE HAVE FEELINGS.

I had an interesting picture episode. There were failed first family pictures in our closet. I knew because we had looked through some boxes for something we couldn't find from the previous holiday season. I had a mental image of which boxes had what items in them, AND I HAD TAKEN PICTURES OF SOME OF THE ITEMS, for " posterity" since someone was obviously into "time capsules."

Fast forward 3 months. I notice a picture that was on the nightstand wasn't there. I thought that was strange, so I went to the boxes in the closet. MUCH TO MY SURPRISE, THE PREVIOUS FAILED FIRST FAMILY PHOTOS WERE NOT THERE?? BUT IN THEIR PLACE WAS AN OLD BUBBLE MAILER FULL OF FAILED FIRST FAMILY REPLACEMENT PICTURES! I of course asked DH about it, and of COURSE he knew NOTHING about it. I told him that I was installing cameras EVERYWHERE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE, BECAUSE IF SOMEONE IS COMING INTO THE HOME WE SHARE, INTO OUR BEDROOM, AND INTO OUR CLOSET, THEN WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IS DOING THIS. Oh he panicked, and I could see it on his face.

He continued to "play dumb" so I went to the police department to have it on file that we had items missing from our home. There is already a police report on file with the sheriff's department. (It's all about the paper trail.) I did install over 20 cameras ALL OVER THIS PLACE, and I THREW THE ENTIRE BUBBLE MAILER FULL OF FAILED FIRST FAMILY PHOTOS & WHATEVER ELSE WAS IN IT IN A DUMPSTER! I told DH that. He asked what kind of pictures were in the mailer, and I told him I was sure he knew, and I personally didn't take the time to look through all of them, but make no mistake, NOBODY BREAKS INTO SOMEONE'S HOME AND STEALS FAMILY PHOTOS, AND REPLACES THEM WITH MORE OF THE SAME, EXCEPT A "FAMILY MEMBER." Who else would know where to find them, and who else WOULD WANT THEM? He knew then and there that I KNEW EXACTLY WHO HAD BEEN IN OUR HOUSE WITHOUT "OUR" KNOWLEDGE. He immediately called SD, and asked her about it. She denied it, and HE BELIEVED HER.

I was born in the dark, but it wasn't last night.

It's sad, but you've got to do what you've got to do for self -preservation purposes. I will do the same with anymore photos, or ANYTHING else that mysteriously turns up at this house. I WILL NOT HAVE IT. PERIOD.

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