^^^This^^^ As time goes by it gets better - and it DOES take time to get over the resentment you feel for DH's lack of support. But your DH is doing you a favor by not bringing up the skids. He has a right to see them as long as it does not impact your 'together' time. Create a 'tradition': While he is visiting with the skids pamper yourself in a special way like going out with friends or getting a make-over or pedicure. One thing I noticed was when I started to believe I was worthy of respect by DH, he started respecting me more.

Ditto to all of this. I also want to say that OP's DH may be afraid to bring up the topic of his kids because he knows it's a difficult subject with his wife. I found my DH wanted to discuss certain things pertaining to his kids but was afraid to bring them up to me.

Time definitely helps.

^^^ Agree... not to make excuses for the bad behavior but agree...

My DH created the problem; he betrayed me to SD56. Therefore, it's his problem to live with it. I gave them my trust, love, and a blended family for years (so I thought). SD doesn't like me, so now she doesn't have to put up with me, her choice, and I accommodated her.

I recognize he loves his kids. I recognize his daughter believed his betrayal (which he also did with BM, while married to her). So now it is their circus.

My DH wants us to be a "Brady Bunch" family again; like it was 30+ years, until I found out for 15 of our 38 year marriage, they plotted against me and it was getting worse every day.

Everyone's situation is different. I have NO sympathy for my DH and his DD. They ask for what they got. They had absolutely no reason to treat me the way they did; but they did.

Now I have moved forward. I do not discuss it, I do not live in the past; but I do have a life without them now. Yes, my DH is damned on one side and is damned from the other; his doing.

You have to decide how long you want to be upset about it.

DH would act like it was no big deal when MSD would steal from me. "Get over it" "That's just the way she is" "She's a kid, she'll learn" "Its just material things".

Girl skids would do the same thing, come in my house, not acknowledge me and DH wouldn't even think twice about it. He didn't want to rock the boat, make things worse. Have me AND his kids mad at him.

It wasn't until I made it WORSE for him for ME to be mad that he did start to get an idea... but it didn't take back the damage that had already been done, the action that the skids did.

But I had to make the choice that if I stayed with my DH, I had to learn to get over it. Why let that bother me and steal my happiness? He doesn't get it. Okay. It sucks but okay. Lesson learned. You're disengaged now, so there should be no new incidents like that happening so just try to move forward for your own happiness.

You have every right to feel like you do. It will get easer, believe me, with time and effort on your part, to put yourself first.

Do not subject yourself to the mistreatment; step away from it and let DH and SD have their relationship without you. Your SD has not won; she has lost a person in her life that would have been good to her. DH has lost your trust and is not worthy of you wasting your time on anger and hate.

Get well for yourself. To hell with them.

I went thru this and am doing much better. It is so hurtful, but you have to take care of your mental state. Stay here with us for sure.

What would be your ideal situation with you being disengaged? How would you want your DH and the skids to behave and proceed?

t!I always say that a SM's world is backwards, and this is why no one other than a SM can even begin to understand, and usually not for years down the road. "Common sense" tells you, "if you project love and respect and care that is what you should get back." This is not the case for SMs, and for SMs, it even follows backwards. There are studies that show the more a SM tries and shows compassion for her SKs, the more likely they are to resent her because it brings up conflicting feelings of loyalty for them. They want to or are geared to by someone (BM?) or society to hate SM, and when SM goes out of her way to try to let them know she is not that bad, SKs don't want to hear it.

One thing to remember is that bio-mom has the most power, just by being bio-mom. The Golden Uterus is more fact than myth, in step cases. There is something about giving birth, creating life for 9 months, that elevates BM to sainthood, regardless of her lifestyle or even regardless of whether she cheated on dad or not. Thus, step-dads fare way better than SMs, usually. BMs are usually elevated to sainthood, while after divorce, bio-dads are usually delegated to and termed deadbeat dad. Step-dad gets to ride up, up and away on saint BM's allure, while SM gets thrown down in the tank along with deadbeat dad. Not fair. But, life is not always fair, of course. It just is the way it is.

If I remember correctly, like me, it was one big-whopa$$ eye opening moment, where you finally said enough is enough and wound up disengaging. The incident (we'll call it that) for me was almost 3 1/2 years ago. I was so !$!@$ pissed at that time. I was so !#$!@#$ ticked at my DH. I couldn't believe the teeny-weeny ball.less wonder could even think of treating me that way much less treat me that way--as if I were totally invisible and irrevelant to him. Here he was a 6'4" handsome, wonderful man, and he was, in my eyes, licking BM's boots every five seconds and acting like her vastly inferior consort. His adult kids were treating him little better. BM got to the run the show completely, and my husband of 15 years just let her go and did not say one word. Not one. And, I didn't blame his SKs and I didn't blame her. I blamed him.

When we came back, I went about as ballistic as one can go without actually taking off. He did apologize, but so much damage had been done at that point, it was worthless. At that time in my life I was already going thru a difficult time, and then this!! I felt truly alone and betrayed. To me, it was like my DH had just stabbed me in the thigh in front of his ex- and adult SKs, and then they all flinched, said nothing, and went on their merry way. It was that bad. And, I'm telling you this, because I know so-o-o well how you must feel right now. I can tell you too, I had so many others things to deal with at that time, that all I could do was disengage from my own DH, much less his children, and go into bare minimum survival mode for about a year.

After a year, approx. 2 1/2 years ago, I just happened to bump into another SM in a rather bizarre way, and she confirmed for me that what went down that day was just wrong. You see, up to that point, I couldn't even really get my head around of what went wrong, what went down, what could I have done, and so on. I just knew I was pissed at my DH. Anyway, that other SM gave me what I so much needed--she gave me validation. To make a long story short, I wound up first seeing a counselor (one who specialized in marriage and family counseling) alone. At the time, I didn't know if I needed to bring my DH into it or not, but I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to see if my instincts (that throwing me under the bus that day) were right or ? I spent several sessions with the counselor just venting. Thank God, she understood and understood that my position as my husband's wife was not respected by ANYONE. The, I started doing research, and I found this site!

So, this brings me to now. What can I tell you now? Just like all of the others have said, it takes time. You might want to asked yourself was there anything else going on in your life around this time too that may have escalated the situation. This can be important, because you may have some other things to work thru in addition to this particular incident. This is something the counselor helped me with immensely--to focus. I made the decision to semi-disengage from my adult SKs and only attend events where I feel I'll be treated fairly. If I don't want to go, then DH has the choice to go himself, because just like he has the right to a relationship with you, he has the right to a relationship with his children.

I lost something that day. I'm not sure what it was, and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back. But, I'm starting to realize just how terrified some of these divorced men with children really are of their ex's. BMs have an incredible amount of power over their children, and maybe they should. But, if BM is controlling, manipulative or even remotely narcissistic, there is going to be hell to pay for both bio-dad and SM, and society even backs them up on this, for the most part--that BMs forever own the father of their children. Yuck!, I know. And, if bio-dad or DH is even remotely weak and can't put his foot down, then bio-dad and SM are going to have double hell to pay.

At this point, I'm not making excuses for DH, but I actually feel divorced dads fare little better than SMs, and that is because that is why our society has set it up. This is what needs to change. It's been 3 1/2 years since, and there has been some progress with my DH. I'd suggest you see a counselor to try to hone in on what you need to see change, or even just to figure out what it is you are looking for. Right now you are really, really angry, and I get that, but at some point you have to move on, whatever that may be. Disengaging does go far to release SKs from your mind. I had no bio-children and I was hoping to have his children as bonus children. H-, I had to give up on ALL of that. It was hard. DH's betrayal and getting that trust back, now that is something else. Baby steps and time on that one.

I experienced and still experience the same thing; but now I know why.

DH talked behind my back (betrayed me) to SD56. He did the same thing with BM years ago, to SD.

When you gossip about someone, or try to make someone look bad, it changes your view of the person they are gossiping about. You either no longer like that person or think very differently of them.

This is what happened with my SD and myself. DH knows now what he did. I pointed it out to him; but it is too late for SD and my relationship. DH nor SD will sit down and discuss it with me, nor will they apologize. So we have moved forward with disengagement; but we move forward with understanding the reason why.

You will learn what happened, I'm sure. Maybe you can fix it, but we can't, because all parties involved will not own their part of the problem. I even apologized to SD and DH for my part; I owned it. They refuse.

I will not discuss it after this length of time now. It's over and behind us. I hate my SD and tolerate my marriage.

No. There doesn't need to be a reason. As per above, "There are studies that show the more a SM tries and shows compassion for her SKs, the more likely they are to resent her because it brings up conflicting feelings of loyalty for them. They want to or are geared to by someone (BM?) or society to hate SM, and when SM goes out of her way to try to let them know she is not that bad, SKs don't want to hear it."

What did you do?

In every situation the reasons are probably different and in many cases have NOTHING to do with who you are...

Now, maybe there was something you did that bothered them. Perhaps you "tried too hard" or came in and tried to run roughshod over what they considered their family traditions and dynamics. Perhaps it was just something small and or you had more expectations than they were able to provide.

However, there is also the matter of unresolved issues surrounding their parent's split. Even if you were not even a twinkle in your SO's eyes...they may still be angry about the fact that their family split and since people often have a hard time blaming the TRUE problem.. they transfer that anger or frustration at someone else..YOU.

Or, their mother could be a poison pill spewing negativity towards you because she is bitter at her EX?

Or the kids could be concerned that you are going to spend up their inheritance or take it from them.

Or they have undiagnosed mental conditions

Or you and they are just not compatible people. Not everyone is going to get along..

I know it's hurtful because you feel like your DH should have done what you did with your kids. But, everyone deals with conflict in different ways. Women and men perceive things differently and often pick up on social cues differently. Perhaps his kids even were upset about how your boys behaved even though you DID correct them?

Again, you could have done "something" or "nothing" and in the end, I think you will be happiest if you just let things go as one of those things you can't control, so won't worry about.

Let your DH have his relationship with his children. He isn't imposing it on you and as long as you don't feel you are being cheated of significant portions of time with him... then live and let live.

My OSD hates me because she needs to be the center of attention. When I first started dating DH she told me how close she and her dad were. She was marking her territory; she viewed her father as her property.

In her mind I stole her father. He spends most of his time with me rather than catering to her own children. There is likely a financial component to it also.

Overall, she is a very needy, histrionic person who does not feel comfortable unless people are adoring her. A lot of people have issues, and a Family Intruder like a SM does not help with those issues.

If you have not read the book StepMonster by Wednesday Martin, it's a good read and will shed some light on the stepfamily dynamic.

The dream of the blended family may not happen. Or it may happen in parts. I get along better with YSD, and she and her boyfriend are coming here for Christmas. I also know, however, to not get too attached. She may be nice to me, but she ultimately wants to see her father. I get it.

I don't think my SD26 actually HATES me but I do know that she believes the lies her mother has told her, so she certainly dislikes me (but knows better than to be outright disrespectful to me). I've been in her life since she was 5 and did not find out until she was 15, what she really thought about me.

She also has a lot of negative feelings towards DH (also thanks to BM), so DH and I live our lives and she lives hers, DH rarely sees her. They used to talk on the phone quite a bit but she's currently mad at him, so...

Is there a BM who has maybe put some ideas into their heads?

"Wow! My goodness, I had no chance from the beginning, did I?" When this revelation occurs to a SM, it is a sign that you are transitioning into a place of no return - a point where you start realizing this had absolutely nothing to do with you in the first place. Sort of like getting rear-ended on the freeway. Your next step is to see a good counselor to help repair the damage and rebuild you into the same model you were before marriage. Then you will set limits with skids and DH so that you live in an environment of mutual respect - and nothing short of it.

If you try to find the reason why people treat others badly for no good reason, take a look at history. Several events have happened that we STILL shake our heads and wonder why. If your DH is telling you that you did nothing to upset his kids, it's probably true. You married DH assuming you were a team. Your DH has failed both you AND his kids by not doing so. He needs to take on the responsibility for insisting that the skids respect you as his wife. Whether my DH takes up for me or not is his choice. This is why SD is presently not allowed to set her foot on our doorstep.

You're taking their feelings toward you and their treatment of you much too personally. ANYONE in your position, married to their dad, would be perceived as a threat to them. Someone in the thread mentioned that the SKs resent you and dislike you because you're standing in the way of them getting what they believe to be their rightful attention and money. And it really IS that simple. In their twisted thinking, your very existence in their DDs life is reason enough to hate you.

Trust me one day your DH will regret allowing his kids to treat you so horribly. Because his allowing it will also cause him to lose respect in his kid's eyes, as well as, the respect you had for him. Men of integrity who are emotionally stable refuse to allow their children to show rudeness to anyone, much less their wives. It's all around bad parenting and produces adult children who end up self-focused and entitled.

Resentment is miserable hard to move on from when the circumstances are still on-going. I'm thinking it would be easier when husbands protect their wives and marriages against all outside negativity.. no matter where it's coming from, even their children. Unfortunately, this has not been my experience either.

ESMOD, you nailed it. I know that, regardless of how crappy the skids are, they are still his kids/skids whom he raised and his love for them is unconditional.

you put this so well, canyouhelp. all of the treatment we get at hands of the skids can be blamed on our own husband.

i still resent my dh and i always will. the skids are grown but the dynamic is still the same. when ever they are around he gushes at them like they are rock stars and throws himself at their feet.

disengaging has helped so much and i just watch the mess from afar.