How much waiting is enough?
Background. DH and I have been married 2.5 years. He has a son in his 30’s and two daughters, mid 20’s and 21. When DH left XW 3.5 years ago all kids stopped talking to him except for a meeting to disown him. DH has restored relationship with both SD’s. SS will still not let him see his now 5 GC, but will communicate if there is an emergency. Eldest SD lets him see GS. Youngest SD is engaged
The entire 2019 was him continuing to restore relationship and communication with SD’s. None of his kids will acknowledge me, talk to me or act as if I exist we all knew each other for years prior to his divorce. I am an easy scapegoat even though DH has said he pursued me, not the other way around. Prior to his divorce they all thought I was a lesbian. As soon as DH and I started dating, They decided I wasn’t lesbian, rather, I was Jezebel.
Fast forward to now. SD2 texts DH asking to be on his health insurance. She is already on his car insurance. DH responds that’s it MY health insurance and that SD will have to confirm details with me. SD replies that she could not bear to call me, no matter how brief the call would be. She just can’t handle the stress and to please TRUST her that even a brief call was still a call and she couldn’t add anything to her plate. Then asked DH to be the go between on all conversations with me. She even generously offered to get together with DH so she could explain just exactly how difficult life was and why DH should not ask her to do something so stressful as contact me.
She then sent her wedding announcement to just DH, very specifically made sure just his formal name. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to her wedding, but this was just an announcement.
Then she sent her fiancé to the house (as always so she won’t have to see me) to pay car insurance and DH asks the fiancé how SD and if he should he call her. No, they decide it would be best that they meet in person.
Several days later, SD1 invites DH to a Christmas in January with SD1, her husband and SD2 and fiancé, but not me. DH had promised no family group get togethers if I were not invited, but when I brought that up, WWIII started.
DH refuses to set boundaries even though he says he will. Each visit with SD’s he tells me he says something but there is always a reason his SD’s can’t even acknowledge me in the simplest ways. It’s “I’m not ready yet,” or “There is too much going on in my life right now,” or “I’m not ready for my son to call her grandma” (they certainly don’t ever have to do that).
this is causing great strain in our marriage. SS even sent me a letter to my maiden name accusing me of adultery, living in sin and he “excommunicated “ me from a church I had left a year and a half earlier. 9He became an elder after I left).
DH says I’m not trusting him and yet he is also saying if he sets the boundary it will be bad for ME. He is not ready or willing to simply and gently say that he prefers not to have a family Christmas celebration without his family being welcome. So he will have a nice dinner and gifts, time with kids and one GS while they are not willing to say hello to me. I’m not as angry at skids as I am hubby. He wants unlimited time and doesn’t see that he is enabling them and giving them permission to foster the scapegoating they are flinging my way.
how long do I wait for adult children to even be polite? I’m close to shutting them out.
Why did his children stop
Why did his children stop talking to him? Were you two involved and that is why he left BM?
If so, it's very possible the skids will never accept you and never want a relationship with you.
Trust
Interestingly DH makes this trust issue between him and me. And his kids have followed suit and tell him to just trust them that they can’t say hello or send a card or even be in the same room with me. And all the “please dad don’t make me” comments. DH says the same stuff to me, that I am telling him he can’t see his kids. Then he told me not to worry because HE was almost fed up, so it really isn’t about me in his mind. These forums make it difficult to provide both sides and the nuances. And all of this makes me feel like his family doesn’t realize I have feelings or that I can even feel pain.
I don't understand what all
I don't understand what all of this "trust" response is.
Were you two involved and that is why he left BM?
If he cheated on BM with you, it is understandable that, at this time, they do not with to associate with you. They may at some point in the future. And they may NEVER want to have anything to do with you.
If he cheated on BM with you, he broke THEIR trust and the trust of HIS then-wife. And you are a huge part of that. It may be difficult for them to forgive their father. They might never forgive you. They are adults and you cannot force them to accept you.
I don't understand what all
Dupe
Why?
They stopped because they think that divorce is a sin and that he violated everything he said he stood for and believed in.
You can't change that. You
You can't change that.
You cannot make them accept you.
You cannot make them associate with you.
Your husband cannot make them accept you or associate with you.
The only thing YOU can control is you. Can live with never seeing your husband's children, never being accepted by your husband's children, and him living two separate lives? If not, the only answer is to end it.
Why2
the church told everyone that DH had demons on his head and neck that caused him to leave BM. DH and I started dating a year after that.
Sounds like a sick, pseudo
Sounds like a sick, pseudo religion. See my response above.
Accepting
I can accept never having a relationship with his kids. I can accept that they don’t want to associate with me. I’m not sure If I can accept them not respecting me as a human being and DH allowing that behavior
The skids will likely NEVER
The skids will likely NEVER respect. EVER.
Mail from the skids? Return To Sender, unopened.
Texts/calls from the skids? Block them.
As for you 'D'H? How can YOU respect this man?
The ONLY thing that can change in this situation is YOU. YOU have the power to live like this: with hateful skids who have been brainwashed by a cult and a husband who cares more about allowing them to be raised in that cult and be crappy and who cares less about his wife.
Your post are a little
Your post are a little confusing to me.
What do the kids do that is disrespectful to you?
Were you the other woman?
The church went a little nuts
The church went a little nuts over this issue, yes. Prior to that I never saw any warning 2signs. But when that happened I left that church. the church has closed since then
@Willow. ANY woman would have been the other woman, so in that sense of course I am. Otherwise no.
Aha. Ok. Vital piece of information
So - because the family is extremely religious, the SS is an elder in this religion, and divorce no matter what the basis is extremely forbidden in this religion, the children have all been brainwashed that YOU are the evil succubus that has seduced their poor victimized father (so they can still have a relationship with HIM, this is their reasoning...)
Everyone needs an enemy to fight. Their religion cannot be wrong, their father cannot be wrong, their mother cannot be wrong.
SO, if you are ok with NEVER being accepted as DH WIFE and never being acknowledged EVER, then you can just book a separate holiday while DH cavorts with his "first and only family".
Personally, this is a very twisted religion that brainwashes people such that they must be trapped into marriages or they are considered possessed by demons.
Id not wait. Life is too short.
Yes
@clove. Yes
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for? Their decision to not accept you is theirs. Let them bear the fruit of their own decisions. Keep moving on with your life.
Just say NO
SD can not go onto your insurance. She is treating you like dirt. So no insurance for anybody who treats you that way. DH is at fault for not telling her off
Harry is correct. A YUGE NO
Harry is correct. A YUGE NO to SD being on your insurance. Freaking USER. If I stayed in this situation, I would honestly consider the skids to be dead to me. And dead people don't need insurance coverage.
SD replies that she could not
SD replies that she could not bear to call me, no matter how brief the call would be.
Haha! Then, I "could not bear" to put her on my insurance. I mean, really, the nerve.
Your husband gives you no reason to trust him, as he does not have your back. Your husband will continue to allow this, as long as YOU allow it. You will be waiting forever.
YOu do not have to allow her on your insurance
The downside is DH may give them more money to get it themselves.
It seems as if you knew him before he was divorced, even if just friends, that may be hard to get over. They may never accept you. If you give DH an ultimatimum not to see them outside of the house, that may or may not go well.
Since you're a new poster, I
Since you're a new poster, I will clue you in that Curious George above is not a step parent and therefore you should put little thought into her advice because she has never dealt with step issues in any facet.
Thank you
Thank you all for responding. I told DH no to insurance for SD. He didn’t like my decision because he thinks I should wait for her to come around. I said maybe next year if things change, but that I am respecting her decision to not add stress to her life. I have no desire for SD to jump through fake conversations for insurance.
‘I will not give him an ultimatum about seeing skids. I want him to have a relationship with them, but the larger gatherings that they want to call holiday family gatherings still hurt. DH is the one who told me last year that he wouldn’t support them if that is what they were going to do. it all still hurts and I am trying to separate my feelings from the right thing to do. It’s not as easy as I hoped. It brings out emotions I didn’t know I was capable of feeling.
Strangers can hear the situation and the answers seem obvious. Some decisions are obvious. Some are not. The fact that I knew the family previously in a friendship capacity complicates the both the situation AND the emotions of everyone involved. I’m not saying I don’t understand why skids don’t want relationship. Giving myself permission to move on is healthy. The pain isn’t.
This has helped. You all have helped.
I told DH no to insurance for
I told DH no to insurance for SD. He didn’t like my decision because he thinks I should wait for her to come around.
That's fine, he doesn't have to like it, and you don't have to provide insurance for an adult who will not even speak to you. He has to see how ludicrous that is?
And maybe by the time she comes around (let's face it, that is NOT going to happen), you will not give one damn and will have no desire to be so generous as to have her on your insurance, or include her in any other part of your life.
Of course, he can see his kids but him giving them the okay to exclude you from larger family events is not okay. He really should decline those until they "come around". If you can wait, so can he.
Agree 100%
"If you can wait, so can he." Odd that DH's kids are religious but their behavior does not reflect any religious teachings at all. SD was so self-righteous about her definition of what is right and wrong in regards to her Father getting married again, yet using someone whom you hate to get cheaper insurance doesn't leave a hypocritical dent in her 'better-than-thou beliefs'. Money STILL talks, doesn't it? Pretty amazing! Maybe your DH should be working on the skids to respect you more so YOU will 'come around'.
One good thing: the skids have disengaged from you so you don't have to disengage from them. BUT I would be asking myself if I really want to continue to live with a man who does not support me as his wife. Have a sit-down with DH and spell out your boundaries. If he cannot place your marriage as his top priority look into couples counseling with a 'good' therapist who specializes in blended families or save up for an exit plan.
Odd that DH's kids are
DH's kids are religious but their behavior does not reflect any religious teachings at all.
Like I said: cult. *diablo*
My XILs were rocked to their
My XILs were rocked to their core when my XW filed for divorce. We were married by the Catholic Church and my XW who was the Catholic in the marriage never got an annulment. So... her three all out of wedlock spawn by two different baby daddies were illegitimate in the eyes of the Church.
Years later they asked me to have the marriage annulled so that their daughter could be right with the Church. My XFIL was very upset that his daughter continued to take communion (at another Catholic Church) and was flaunting her disconnect with the Church through lies and subterfuge.
Religion is a thing that many apply no intellect to practicing. Forgiveness being a cornerstone of the Christian denominations, anyone who refuses to forgive is violating their Christian beliefs and is not right with their faith.
This is not your problem, nor is it DH's. Let the Skids that embrace the lack of forgiveness suffer their own faith issues and you and DH live your life together for your benefit and enjoyment.
Now for SS who has excommunicated you from his Church. Good riddance. There are any number of the Christian denominations that will embrace you if you choose to embrace them.
I am sorry that you and your DH are having to deal with his hypocritical children. DH needs to give all of his kids clarity that his commitment is to his wife and their responsibility in all of it is to honor their father. They need to honor him by recognizing his marriage and including his wife in their interface with him. Period.
Trust me, you don't want to
Trust me, you don't want to go to a gathering with them. And it's way better he goes away to visit them than insisting his toxic kids come to your home.
They won't change fast if ever. I'd start a tradition.. if he goes on a family holiday gathering without you.. you get an overnight spa trip, or weekend flight to visit one of your family members. Or girls trip. Point being, it turns into something great and fun for you. You get a great trip, enjoy yourself, he sees his strange kids. Maybe he will start missing you. Oh well! Have fun gotta catch my flight!
Live well, make your own awesome rather than focusing on exclusion.
I wish very much DH had to go somewhere to see skids without me rather than them coming here. Be careful what you wish for!
The moment his son sent you that abusive letter, his dad
Should have addressed that immediately and put his kid in his bloody place! Heck other husbands here have put their foot down for far less issues
look my ss makes excuses for everything courtesy of the pas his mum did. He always replies with “person is stressed” when hubby tells him to cut the shunning shit to me and my 2 kids (his half siblings) out, to have basic respect and do chores but his defence is “person is stressed from imaginary stress syndrome” and whatever pathetic excuse it is like i’m a stranger so he can’t communicate or acknowledge a basic hello. He made home life so miserable because the vibe is negative and tense when he is here and my husband said this is the way he was since he divorced him mum 10.5 yrs ago.
my skids play the imaginary 1 big happy family thing when i’m not around, heck sd’s have told hubby to transfer property into their names so me and my 2 kids get nothing. His 2 eldest are adults, the youngest is 14 and hubby has 2 toddlers with me that haven’t started school yet. Hubby feels strongly he needs to and has a duty to ensure our 2 childrens basic needs are taken care of and i’m not kicked to the kurb and made homeless
he told off sd to never do this ever again that to him, me and our 2 kids will always be entitled to his estate and she is out of line for eliminating us..
you can’t change things with them. They seem to be part of some psychotic cult religion thing. Yes for religious people divorce is a sin, but so many realized they married narcissistic psychos and had no choice but to divorce. Divorce is the lesser evil here!!
You don't exist to each other.
You're going to have to get over the fact that these kids want nothing to do with you unless it's convenient for them. Tell DH you no longer want to discuss his kids or have anything to do with his family but he is more than welcome to visit them as he pleases anywhere outside of y'alls home, as they are no longer welcome there either. Like someone previously stated, block all text, phone calls and send mail back unopened. It seems like these people are intentionally trying to inflict pain on you under the guise of their religion.