Husband's complete lack of respect for me!!
Yesterday DH announces to me THREE HOUSE after he leaves a message for his youngest daughter (20) that he'd like to take her to the Fair this week and take her clothes shopping.
He has ZERO relationship with her, so this sort of "begging" happens every now and then, but it's been nothing more than wanting to go get a bite to eat.
I told him, I'd appreciate it if he'd talk to me about that before he picks up the phone (since I do our finances). What he continued to argue back at me last night, was he didn't need "permission" from me. I said, no, I just want the respect to talk to you about it. We're talking maybe $300 accumulative, and DH needs to run that by me so if we don't have it in our active funds, we know where to get it (visa, savings, etc.).
All he did was fly off defensively about all the stuff we bought over the weekend and how we went to the fair, and he has every right to make money decisions without running them by me, blah blah blah. He even compared it to he wouldn't be upset if I took my daughter to the zoo without asking him. Totally uncomparable when it comes to cost (zoo and clothes/Fair)!!
He's still fighting me over it this morning. He is insistent he DOES NOT need to ask my permission if he wants to spend $$ on his daughter. BS you do!!!!!!!
I told him to talk to his therapist and tell her "I want to spend $300+ on my daughter this week and I TOLD my wife, NOT TALK TO HER if we have the finances to cover it this week." "I do not need to talk to her if I want to spend $$$ on me, or my kids, or anything else" I told him, run that by her and let her tell you how WRONG THAT IS!!!
I'm so livid I can't even see straight today.
I finally text him "I think the best solution to your mindset is to separate finances and you can pay me for half the bills expenses at the end of the month.
He's probably freaking out right now because my income is double his. And on top of that, he makes just enough to help cover the bills for the month, and not even for food, fun, or gas.
His response "Wow. Don't understand the bitterness."
Why these men think they get to have the GOLD CARD in relationships and do as they please with their asshole adult brats, is unbelievable to me!!!!!!!!! He really believes he's done nothing wrong, and his point of view is correct. But, that's his (and many of the guilty daddy's out there) MO. Total lack of respect for their wives and will climb over a mountain for their snotty little princesses.
F-ing idiot!!!!!!
I would seperate the
I would seperate the fianances, maybe once he realizes just how much you do and how much life was better before you could go back to conjoined but I would seperate for now.
Correct to above ~ he told me
Correct to above ~ he told me three HOURS AFTER he called and left his daughter a message.
Yea, I'm LIVID. I'm separating accounts. I've had enough of playing sugar-mamma to a jerk who takes it for granted and demands he doesn't need to talk to me FIRST.
Complete lack of respect on his behalf, and to dig in his heels about it, and run me in circles all night and today to justify it, is unbelievable.
Snarkey & BLM~ good point on
Snarkey & BLM~ good point on the "if it's over $100, it needs to be discussed, AND, he needs to realize we DO HAVE A BUDGET/SPENDING PLAN in place, and it does come over any commitment to others. If he can't agree to that this evening when I get home, then he can open a checking account and pay me for his half at the end of the month.
Believe me these men with
Believe me these men with children no matter HOW old that are impoverished by CS, etc. will never get it. That SM is DOING THEM A FAVOUR by being with them not the other way around.
GG is the same way. DEFINITELY go separate finances. Make him pay half of the living expenses. In my case, what's left after GG pays CS and taxes won't even cover 1/4 of the household expenses.
"DH, to avoid arguing over finances, I've decided we should have separate accounts" (make sure you emphasize "I've decided" b/c after all you shouldn't have to have his permission; what's good for the goose. . .)
Then let him struggle with his piddling account to play sugar daddy to his mini wife, SD.
When we separated accounts, GG would ROUTINELY overdraw his account on guilty daddy spending. He soon stopped complaining that *I* was the one overdrawing the account with all those frivolous household bills like mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc. :sick:
haha~ That's really what it
haha~ That's really what it is....he's playing sugar-daddy to his mini-wife, YSD!!!!!! hahahahaha
I mean, she's 20 years old for pete's sake!!!! She's an ADULT. She has a job, so WHY does he feel the need to buy her school clothes (college)????? And why on earth does he want to even meander to the local Fair with his 20-something year old daughter? it's like he's stuck in childhood mode in his head with her, like he wants to go back. EEWWWW. .....and I'm sure she's grossed out by the idea hanging out with dad at the Fair where all her piers can see her. --- not to mention she's not even speaking to him. He's so desperate and clueless. I have ZERO respect for him today.
Your response was golden!!!
Your response was golden!!! You should follow through with this. Its not about getting even, its about making your relationship work. So since you argue about finances, tell him you are taking it out as an issue.
That's what I'm starting to
That's what I'm starting to worry about SA. He's raising the bar on desperation (aka $300+ to throw at her) in the hopes she'll contact him and want a relationship. He's going to be out of control over the years, and it will be my income he will be handing out to his brats, and I will have ZERO say so in any matter because they are HIS daughters and NOT mine and he's going to give out out of guilt, and I'm the one that's going to suffer for it financially.
I've been lighting up his phone today. I am holding my ground. He's being ridiculous about not including me in financial decisions, and big ones. Holding the belief it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS, and he shall offer whatever he wants and I am to go along with it and be his "cheerleader". Yep, that's what he said to me last night. He EXPECTS me to be his "cheerleader". BARF. I hate them and they hate me. I'll be polite if he brings them up, but I refuse to hand out wads of my hard earned money to those animals. Especially the YSD who assaulted me last summer. Does he remember how I feel, does he validate my feelings towards them. No, and never.
I'm going home in a few hours. Last text I told him to go open a separate checking account and take one of our checks to work tomorrow and change over his deposit. "....and by the way, rent and bills are due in 2 weeks".
He spent all of last night and today (in texts) DANCING AROUND THE JUSTIFICATION TABLE and coming up with every excuse in the book to prove his point and how much he has every right to make decisions behind my back before consulting me is showing me that he has not matured emotionally. He’s turning everything around and making it my fault. He’s been literally throwing a temper-tantrum over this because he thinks he has every right to go behind my back and not discuss it. We’re talking $300+ he's wanting to hand out!!!!! Really? And do you not realize we have SEVERAL SHARED BANK ACCOUNTS?!?!?!
He likes to call me on what I say, so it will be interesting whether he’ll be sorry and want to work with me (like we need to agree that any expenditure over $100 needs to be discussed before it occurred-excluding b-days/Christmas), AND he needs to realize we have a spending plan/budget in place that needs to be committed to before we commit to others. –or, he’ll dig in his stubborn high heels (like he usually does) and go do it. Either way, I make out ahead. What a jerk!! He’s totally throwing mud in my face and I do not deserve it for all I do and have done for him.
Lack of communication ruins relationships and not to mention money fights. I’ve been hit by both!
And if he does dig in his heels, I’m going to make his life MISERABLE for a good few weeks. No bedtime fun, not going to hang out with him or want to go with him anywhere, not go to Football Sundays, etc.
Men are SOOOO STUPID, they don’t realize how we can make them soooo miserable for the stupid stuff they do to us.
I’m not tolerating it though. I’ve drawn the line in the sand. ONCE AGAIN~~~You DO NOT PUT YOUR DAUGHTER over me and give her SPOUSAL STATUS!!!!!!! --I thought you learned that lesson last summer when all hell broke loose in our household? You wouldn't be in the ZERO RELATIONSHIP situation with your "children" today had you put me FIRST, and stopped handing over spousal control to your little bitch-ess.
AGREED. DH's don't realize,
AGREED. DH's don't realize, if they'd stop begging for a relationship with $$$$$, maybe, just maybe, these brats might grow up and come around. No chance in hell when they beg with cash. Years, if maybe.
I wish I could be brutally
I wish I could be brutally honest with my DH too, but there would be hellfire and brimstone raining down on me. NO, I have to walk on eggshells when it comes to his darling brats or he pulls the guns out blazing. He does not want to face reality whatsoever.
DH's daughters treat him just
DH's daughters treat him just like that. Just like their BM taught them, to verbally abuse him, and he is nothing more to you than a supply chain, and if that isn't working properly, than cut him off. They don't need him, especially for a relationship.
They will treat their husband and future husband exactly the same. They don't know any better.
How this man allowed his ex wife and daughters to verbally abuse him for 20 years is incomprehensible. He's emotionally damaged for sure. He told me last night his self-esteem is 2" high. The light bulb went off in my head. Now I know why he throws adult temper tantrums like a 5 year old every time I question what he wants to do for his brats. It's all about HIM, CONTROL, ME, ME, ME.
F*ing pisses me off that I have to dance on eggshells with him about them. Even my body language I have to be careful about. He'll defend their character to the death with me.
Maybe the 20 year old step
Maybe the 20 year old step brat should get a JOB! It pisses me off that we women have to deal with b.s because our husbands forgot to wear condoms 20 some years ago. My ss23 expects my husband to jump whenever he has a meltdown. DH makes excuses...he had a rough childhood, blah blah blah. Yeah, well join the club! I know a lot of people who's parents got freakin divorced, and had rough childhoods. But, they have jobs and support THEMSELVES!!!! I would NEVER ask my parents, either of them, to buy me clothes or pay my way to the fair, not when I was 20 and not now.
Oh, yes, she HAS a job. It's
Oh, yes, she HAS a job. It's my DH that's giving free hand outs so that he can bribe her for love and attention.
So totally agree!!! I too am
So totally agree!!! I too am so sick of the frickin excuses for the skids rude, bad, lazy, dysfunctional behavior. Like they are the first ones in life ever to have it difficult? I tell my DH all the time that their lack of planning or accepting responsiblity for their actions, and/or lack of actions are why their lives are so stressful, difficult and challenging. Do they not get that! Obviously not since I haven't ever seen any change in their behavior even though their lives are a shambles......
DH and I have had separate
DH and I have had separate accounts for years and it is the only way to go. For the first few years of our marriage, I paid for everything because I made more money. When I told DH he was going to have to pay for part of the house expenses he became unglued - but only for so long. I let him know if he refused he could move out - which would cost a hell of a lot more. As I've written before, SD does not come first, I don't come first, HIS needs come first so he reluctantly agreed. After a few years he realized I was a better money manager than he was, and we could actually save money to have fun with. Now there are no complaints but I won't spend a cent on the overly entitled SD.
Mominator - please do
Mominator - please do separate your finances because if your DH is that intent on getting his way (even when you mention EXTREME horrendous behaviour from your skids towards you) and trying to bully you into backing down, then this same subject will raise its nasty head again at some point (and will assume more than once over the course of your marriage to DH) and yet again you will be subjected to this abuse. So impo you must manage this situation in order to minimise the stress and impact it will have on your, for your own sake - so follow through.
I can appreciate where you are coming from in not wanting your DH to just pay through the nose for treats for the skids, esp when they dont deserve it and how they have disrespected and hurt you however they are DH's children and there will be times when he may want to treat them - that said, it HAS to be in context and tbh if his children have attacked you, abused you and are awful to you and DH I genuinely dont blame you for not wanting him to spend this $. Its completely understandable and more so when the cost of what he wishes to spend is ridiculous - a treat maybe, but $300 plus? Thats a considerable sum!
It does seem like your DH is desperate, he doesnt want to lose his child, he doesnt want to lose face in having to withdraw his promise to his child and he has seemingly learnt from his time with his verbally abusive ex and children how to try and streamroll anyone who gets in his way in what he wants. What he is saying and doing in relation to this situation is impo abusive and manipulative - he needs to grow up. Has he even realised that in telling you, that he doesnt need to discuss spending with you, to consider you that in fact he is giving you permission to do the EXACT same thing. He appears quite happy to spend your money on a skid who has treated you like shite and is disrespecting you too - so they are all treating you like crap. Nice.
Personally, this is what I would do.
Your DH isnt going to change his mind over this, he is entrenched in his own delusion (he partly knows he is wrong hence his "attack is the best form of defence" strategy) so I would save your breath, your energy and protect yourself in telling him once over your decision as a result of DH's actions and words. I would tell him or even better leave him a letter stating the following:
"I am only going to say this one more time and then I dont want to discuss, argue or converse about this any further - while I dont agree with what you have done - as your wife I should be respected and you should want to discuss things with me prior to agreeing to anything. You have the right to make your own decisions and choices - regardless how I view them - but I equally have the right to this. So I have decided, to stop bank rolling choices you make that disrespect me (not discussing things with me and then verbally abusing/bullying me is disgusting, and now want to separate our finances. I cant trust you, so I choose to protect me and our children in doing this. Dates when bills are due will be posted on the fridge so you will be aware of when things are due, what you then do with the rest of the money is your choice and none of my concern - then that will be fair, because it will no longer be some of my money you will be spending without discussion.As for supporting you, I have done so - evne when your child assaulted me - shame the same cannot be said for you. Marriage is not a one way street and nor is it "one rule for one and another for someone else". Seeing as you seem to think that you can and want to make important decisions regarding our finances without prior discussion (am not stating you should not see or even treat your children now and again, but I certainly have an issue with not being consulted first seeing as its joint money, being insulted because I rightly have an issue with being disrespected on so many levels, of being told you have the right to spend/make decisions while I follow a different rule) I am now deciding to be the exactly the same way - so dont be surprised that I will not make my own decisions regarding spending and without consulting you...I treat others as they treat me..."
Then stop engaging with DH on this - you have said your piece and I would carry it through to the letter.
Delilah~ I agree. He
Delilah~ I agree. He steamrolls me to get his way and bullies me. That is for sure what he's learned from his ex and brats.
For now, we're talking it out. He didn't like the idea of splitting finances because he knows he'd be in dire straights if we did.
Somehow he twists things around to make me look like the bad guy, especially in this situation. I'm so worn out from fighting with him for 3 days. He's emotionally stunted/damaged, but does not want to face the truth when I tell him. I'm the one at fault, always. He justifies everything.
I'm saving your letter. I know I will have to use it someday. He has zero respect for me when it comes to what he wants for his adult brats.
I don't even know if our marriage will hold together down the road. All I can do is take it one day at a time. These ridiculous control issues, and lack of respect for me with him are burning me out. And when I get burned out, I eventually walk away.
Ofcourse you are tired -
Ofcourse you are tired - anyone would be after a marathon fight over the course of several days. Its obvious he is going to try and turn this around on you, after all hes hardly going to admit to be being an arsehole because that means he is wrong.
In addition to this, he doesnt want to lose his hold on the finances because hes not stupid, that would mean 1) he would be struggle and may likely not be able to afford things 2) have no chance on buying his children's affection 3) have less of a hold on you and therefore less power over you 4) it would beat his ego.
This man is being emotionally abusive towards you impo. If you give in now, you are sending a clear message that he can do this again - he can blame you and you will accept this blame and he can get away with it! Is that something you are willing to accept?
Look I went through a merry go round with my DH, usually over ss and BM issue. He genuinely thought it was acceptable to put his kid and ex before me every single time, because he has a child - that was his get out of jail free card. He thought he was a victim, the way he had been poorly treated by his ex (while true how he was treated) and always had a "woe is me" attitude - so this ALWAYS was a good reason to make piss poor decisions and to treat me like crap, make me feel like I was evil and awful for having some form of expectations over how I expected to be treated i.e. with respect, love and consideration. We had marathon arguments, so know how you feel, its exhausting - so I can say things wont change unless YOU change your behaviour, how you react. You feel so lost, alone, hurt, tired, grounded down, out of control right now - but you can take back control over this situation, I promise you. If you want things to stop, then realise you cant change DH, you can only change yourself for your own good.
If you dont feel able to implement the change in finances - I would warn DH ONE more time of behaving like he is then this will happen. I would also tell him if he is able to make decisions like he does, then so will you. Then do this. STOP discussing it with him - all you are doing is giving him opportunity to hurt you by blaming you, twisting it, making you feel like shit. Protect yourself. Go arrange to do stuff you enjoy without DH - this isnt about revenge/hurting him, but about getting some distance so you can recharge and build back your strength. Go find some fun and start putting yourself first a bit more - because if you dont no one else is going to and this misery WILL continue x
Your correct. It's a vicious
Your correct. It's a vicious cycle and I expect it down the road again. I screwed up by trying to take the higher road after his temper tantrum, but yes, I've been abused, bullied, and beat down. That's because he's a controller. He'll never change, and I will do what I can in the future to protect myself from him and his abuse.
I am saving what you said. I will follow it to the letter. THANK YOU, ((HUGS)) !!!
oh this is just the kind of
oh this is just the kind of thing I dealt with my entire marriage! I would never dream of spending money on anything what wasn't a household necessity without consulting my dh - NOT for permission but out of respect.
But HE saw fit to spend oodles of $$ on his second brat (funny...this second one, not the FIRST one who is NOT a manipulative little PISS POT - just the second one) without a word to me and if I said anything, the response I always got was "but he's my kid."
The "kid" is now 38 years old and daddy is still forking over the money, hand over fist. The difference now is that I am no longer working my tired arse off contributing to that -- I have established my own household.
This will always have me wondering though...did dh NOT KNOW HOW to be in a proper marriage? Did he not CARE enough? He has all but admitted to me that he knows his brat can be bought and he is willing to pay. It's a SICK, SICK, SICK relationship really and I'm glad to be out of the thick of it.
"I wish I could be brutally
"I wish I could be brutally honest with my DH too, but there would be hellfire and brimstone raining down on me. NO, I have to walk on eggshells when it comes to his darling brats or he pulls the guns out blazing. He does not want to face reality whatsoever."
This is exactly how he is controlling and manipulating you to NOT stand up for yourself.
Of COURSE when a little kid is told NO, they will act out - cry, scream, stamp their feet, intimidate, etc... until they get their way.
I hightly suggest you read BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE by Cloud and Townsend. It is very helpful for people (wives) with abusive husbands. Yes, he is emotionally abusive when he puts "hellfire and brimstone" on you for standing up for yourself.
Please, learn to set healthy boundaries - and look for people in your life (in person along with us here) who can support you in this. EXPECT HIM to be angry, and throw a fit, but it doesn't mean you are WRONG to set healthy boundaries.
There is a famous psychologist who said: "The only difference between us and infants, is that we don't crap our pants any longer." Many of us never grow up emotionally. It sounds like your husband is one of them.
Take care.
Thanks for the helpful post.
Thanks for the helpful post.