I know stepparenting is an unappreciative job but…
My stepson is 20 y/o and getting married soon. My wife, his mom, told him that we were going to help him with $5k towards his wedding. I didn't make it such a big deal, since it is for his wedding, but he still has an entitled behavior. He's not a technically bad kid, but he doesn't know his place. I've talked to his mom about his behavior but she flips it on me and calls me "petty". I just want him to be understanding and reasonable. Anyways, we got a new car and I still owe money on our other car. My wife talked me into giving it to him and letting him take over the payments. I said ok, but since we won't start making any payments on the new car until June, she told him he won't have to starting paying until then as well. So, today, he was off work and sent a text saying that he is gonna throw away all the trash (a bunch of boxes and other stuff, HIM AND HIS LITTLE BROTHER piled up in the garage) and said he won't do it alone because there's a lot. I got so heated, I couldn't focus on work so I had to take the rest of the day off. I'm not asking for much. Just be grateful and help us out knowing we have so much on our plate already!
Sorry my rant might've made
Sorry my rant might've made me sound like I'm blowing things out of proportion, I'm taking a mental health day and a lot is on my mind
NO. Your statements are NOT
NO. Your statements are NOT out of proportion. There's an imbalance in your life and it has been going on and on for a very long time. The SKID takes, you give. You ask almost nothing of him and he is selfish. It's death by 1,000 cuts.
I experienced this too. Staying at my house, quiting his job, DH & I paying all the bills while he lives off us fully capable of a job. This is a grown SKID who was asked by his dad to do TWO choirs to "pay his rent"- one was to cut the grass and the second to clean windows. Apparently it was WAY too much of an ask...I found myself doing his chores after working a full day and then he would shout down the hallway "when is dinner ready?" I about blew my top- would have to walk around the neighborhood to cool down. Over and over again. What happens after 9 months of having to deal with this adult SKID? He "percieves" himself as very helpful and reallly taking initiaitve with us. He also percieved us as being neglectful of his needs. I about LOST IT.
So NO you are not oveerreacting - the SKID takes and never gives. You're tired of it. This is just another flashing example of this crap.
I really hope for your sake he is an adult and you guys can give him the boot soon.
Never give money to or unpaid off cars to toxic failed family
spawn.
If you have not yet transferred title on the car, get it back. Then sell it. If the stepspawn wants to buy it, sell it to him for a cash only deal and use that to retire the car note.
And welcome.
I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.
Take care of you.
Thank you so much. I always
Thank you so much. I always feel nobody understands and never will. I'm glad I found a place to vent.
Update
I checked the garage this morning before leaving to work. There were still so much trash. I'm thinking wth did he throw away then?! He barely made a dent!
Re the trash situation.. was
Re the trash situation.. was this "their" trash... or was it from them doing some cleanup of a general space? Also, when he said he didn't want to take it all out.. do you think he meant.. he wanted someone to put up his brother's tail to help him?
Also... depending on how they were raised.. sometimes these chores need a bit of oversight.. since they don't know what they are doing.. going at it haphazardly could make it look worse in the interim.. or be more work than it needs to be. I am not saying it has to be YOU.. but your wife should be the one helping ideally.
I would also try to focus some of your frustration.. on your wife's attitude.. sounds like she has coddled them.. and probably prodded you into giving over the car.. the cash... and she hasn't raised them to be very appreciative... and being young.. it's likely they DON'T know the value of a dollar.. how much their parents sacrifice their own wants to provide for theirs.. but kids can't know this stuff.. if they have never been raised like that. So, a big problem you have is with how your wife (and her ex) have raised these kids.
Don't get me wrong.. I'm guessing a lot of kids just "assume" their parents "have to" take care of things they want.. they don't have an eye to the cost of running the household.. so, they make big requests.. like it's no big deal. It was their parent's job to help them understand those limits.. know when to show appreciation.. the value of hard work for what they want..
I don't know why your SS is getting married so young .. since he doesn't seem to be self sufficient.. how will he support his new household.. because he IS moving right??????
Yeah it's their trash. They
Yeah it's their trash. They want to be lazy so they just keep on throwing soda/amazon/whatever boxes on one side of the garage (and whatever else). I've shown them how to rip them up and just throw it away in the kitchen trash to save room. They will do it only for the soda boxes. But if it's a big box or thick ones, they will just toss it in the garage. I've talked to them a many times about earning things and such. But it just goes in circles. I understand they're still young and need guidance. I'm always there for them if they come to me. And I do talk to them (oldest one does have a conversation with me, young one doesn't unless he wants something). SS is moving out of state, but there were talks about them moving back sometime in the future. I'm just burnt out at this point.
Make it your wife's problem..
Make it your wife's problem.. she should be the one telling them to clean it.. to take out the trash.. they come to you.. "if I were you boys.. I would do what your mom says"... if she can't get them to do it.. tell her.. SHE needs to do it.
Or.. do something diabolical.. PAY your younger bios some big bank to do it for the older kids.. hahaha
You have more problems than trash in the garage.
You have a marital problem.
Your wife goes against your joint agreements and prioritizes her "adult" son. This does not bode well for the future.
Based on your profile, you have a minor child (daughter) with your wife. And your wife also has a teenager (out of her 3 boys). The priority should be that you and your wife determine how you will allocate finances based on the needs of those minor children. It should not be based on whatever whim she and her "adult" son concoct.
I also think there is going to be a powerful storm coming your way when this "adult" son finally ties the knot. If there is a grandchild in the future, it will get even worse. I can see a situation where you will be paying rent and all other expenses for your wife's "adult" son, his wife and their offspring. The car is just the beginning.
IMO, if you are adult enough to get married then you are adult enough to figure out how to run a household. And that includes buying your own car, paying your own insurance, paying your own rent, etc.
You need to nip this in the bud now. Make an appointment with a financial advisor by yourself and tell them you need help getting your finances in order. Explain that your wife is prone to agree to provide financial resources to her "adult" kid(s) and you need to know how to set things up so that doesn't happen. It might have to be separate accounts, so if she wants to blow her own money on her kids - fine.
But you need to ensure your minor daughter (and yourself) are not going to get screwed in the long run.
My hunch was that the 20 yo
My hunch was that the 20 yo probably already got a girl pregnant.. hence the wedding at such a young age. (in relative modern day terms).
I don't know if his wife works.. or has assets of her own.. but it sounds like this poster and his wife have joint finances.. perhaps he carries the household mostly financially? His wife should have her input on thier joint spending.. and gifting.. but she shouldn't be offereing up large amounts or things without joint consultation..
Where is bio dad? Did he pay
Where is bio dad? Did he pay child support for his kids?
Is he coughing up 5k for the wedding? How about the blushing bride? Is her family also chipping in 5k?
Where is your wife getting the 5k from? Her child support account? Her savings?
This is bigger than trash.
This is a spouse problem.
Where is the money coming from? Always a good question.
My first wedding was the social event of the season. My XMIL insisted on nothing but the best for her eldest DD. My XILs started by remodeling their home to make it impressive for out of town/State guests. $30K. Then the wedding planning and associated costs started accumulating.
Due to the insanity, my XILs approached my parents to split the cost of the wedding with them. My parents refused though they did tell my XMIL that if she and my XFL gave my fiance and I the cash for half of the wedding that my parents would do the same and we could use it as we chose. Nope. My XMIL was all butt hurt, offended and demanded nothing but the best for her eldest DD.
Another 30K+ later we married. When my XMIL pissed off my parents my parents paid for the customary family of the groom stuff. The rehearsal dinner, tuxedos for the groom's wedding party, and the flowers for the wedding. We married in a cathedral on Jan 2. The cathedral kept the holiday floral stuff up until Mid Jan so... the only floral costs for my parents were the grooms party lapel flowers, the bouguets for the bridal party, and my XW's bridal bouquet. This pissed my XMIL to no end since my parents did not have to pay to decorate the entire cathedral with floral arrangements. My parents pretty much yawned that crap off.
Who paid for the house remodel and the insane cost of my first wedding one might ask? My XMILs boss. She had been embezzling $Millions from that business for decades.
To the point that 24 years later.... XMIL went to prison for it all.
I was putting together a life loop for my parent's 50th celebration when a Google search returned a link to my XW. I clicked it and .... the shit storm unfolded. First was the obituary for my XW's GM. My XMIL's mother. Another click, and the front page story in the major city newspaper highlighing a Bookkeeper going to prison for embezzling $Millions from her employer popped up. Yep, my XMIL. The business owner sued the entire family and won $Millions. As they all walked out of the final civil suit hearing, XMIL was arrested by the FBI. Off to prison she went. XMIL's embezzlement had paid for multiple properties, college for all three of their kids, and two weddings. My first wedding, and the wedding of my XSIL. Much of that was mentioned in the newspaper article.
The wedding for my first marriage cost $15K+ per year of marriage. Not counting the remodel of my XILs home.
My marriage to my incredible bride is sitting at $16/yr and dropping.
The cost of the wedding has zero to do with the quality of the commitment.
Gotta love how these types play games to get what they want. Sticking a SParent with a bill to marry off a SKid, etc...
Though my first marriage had zero to do with SParenting, it reeked with the same stench so many SParents have to deal with.
When things do not pass the smell test, follow the money. Nearly invariably it leads to the facts and the truth.
Trash was just a trigger. I
Trash was just a trigger. I know it's a spousal issue. We're starting conseling soon. As for the biodad...he's a MIA deadbeat. He did pay for child support but it's a long story about why he doesn't pay anymore.
If he is dead beat, time to peel off of his flesh in court.
Then, feed him feet first into the hog feeding traought, alive.
Lather, rinse, repeat until he pays or spends a few years in deatbeat prison for nonpayment.