I need advice ...
I'm a young woman married to an older man. His only daughter is three years older than I am and she lives in the same geographical area as us. She has always been diffcult with me in that she has a highly dominating personality and is extremely judgemental of my everything- choice in clothes, music, men (ie "yeah I mean you did marry my father. You ARE a freak." ) She never has any money and we're always the one she turns to for help.
Now, I've had issues with her in the past. I'll keep it short. She's yelled and screamed and ranted at me for an incident that did not involve her but me and another person. This happened within two weeks of the first time I ever met her. She has constantly violated the only rule I have for the house: no shoes in the house. I'm Japanese, I guess it's a cultural thing but I cringe when she walks in with her boots all over my carpet and floor. After I was married to DH, she got drunk, called me a "bitch" and hit me across the face (she mostly missed but got me on the nose pretty hard. No bruises or anything. I think I laughed when it happened). Why? We don't know. I wasn't even talking to her when she did that. Most recently, she took my car overnight and didn't come home. So when I woke up to go to work, there was no car and when I called her she said she was too drunk to drive. Oh and then there's the time she raved and ranted at me coz she thought I was stealing her friends. There more of the getting angry and screaming at DH or me but I don't want to bore you.
All of the above incidents have happened in DH's presence and he has neither said nor done anything about it. His take on it, "I'm not going to take sides." My take on it, "If someone in my family disrespects you, I WILL do/say something about it."
So anyway, recently, she told me she was going to stay over at our house for the weekend coz she has work in town and I said 'No'. TO backtrack, she was living with us for a month and a week until about three weeks ago. So, I was happy to have my house back and not be around her. Anyway, I said 'No', she said 'Why' and I said something lame like, "um I have stuff to do?" Anyway, she calls DH a few hours later and lets him know that she believees I no longer like her. This, I believe, is because it's the first time I said "no" to her face. For the first time, I denied her something.
While this is true, now DH wants me to talk to her. To clear the air. So that he doesn't have to live with this anymore.
Here's what pisses me off: He's known for five years that I've had issues with her and has yet to say anything to her about it. THe first time she realises that I don't like her, I'm the one who has to make amends?
Btw, she has NEVER apologised for ANY of the things done. Not for yelling at me. Not for hitting me. Not for leaving me without a car when I had to get to work. And,as I said, there's more. I just can't sit here and type it it'll be a full-time job!
So- I've been thinking about it.... I ... I don't know if I should stay in this marriage anymore. Any opinions?
Also, if I do choose to talk to her... how am I supposed to talk to her about the fact that she feels I dislike her? It's true but saying that to her will only hurt her and that's just pointless. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to antagonise her cause she's so emotionally volatile there is no saying how she will react or what she will do. IT's very stressfull for me when she's around. I'm walking on eggshells all the time and I feel, honestly, that both DH and SD should be the ones walking on eggshells around ME because I'm the one who left home and hearth to move here. Oh and not once has she ever asked me if I'm coping well with the move. (I'm not.) So- how do I handle this. I don't see DH changing his reactions to her to support me. If that's not going to change, should I just... leave?
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for reading this rant.
xoxo.
Thank you ybarra and
Thank you ybarra and MissPinky. I was pretty outraged as well that she made it about her and played victim. It's how she always is. I feel ... bad also because she's in a really rough situation right now. She just left her boyfriend who was and still is now an addict. Not that makes any of her behaviour okay of course but the drunken hitting thing? It was more of a swat but the idea that she did even that coupled with the lack of a genuine apology is what makes me mad. To be fair, she did apologise in a half-assed me, "Oh it just my way of showing love." which made me madder at the time. I'm not saying it's okay. I'm just .. ah I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying. And in every OTHER respect, DH is a stand-up guy who goes pretty much out of his way to do stuff for me. So this ONE thing... this one thing... I dont know if I should just accept this is how he is and just DO something about her myself or if I should just chuck this entire experiment and go home.
Oh and to be clear- no I shall not apologise for anything. It appears that DH didn't believe I disliked her until she made that comment to him and I said, well yeah that is true... ha ha. Hes explained to me that it's okay for me to not like her and that after I give my list of what she's done, if she chooses not to talk to either of us, hes fine with that. But I'm just like - upset that he never said anything before and now I have to be the bad guy. I mean if he'd said something to her earlier, I suspect we wouldn't be in this position now.
I have a Japanese Daughter in
I have a Japanese Daughter in law who has BLESSED my family with her prescence. I ADORE her! I only talk to her on Skype because she lives with my son and their 2 children in Australia. But she has brought so much happiness to my sons life.
I moved from New Zealand to the USA to marry my husband, And although the cultures are somewhat similar it as been and continues to culture clash.
He probably didn't like to think his daughter is really quite as bad as you made out. It turns out she is and he is quite happy to let you call the shots. So you are the 'bad guy'. So what? I don't care if she would think I was the bad guy. Damned staight I am the bad guy and don't you forget it!
My husband did like yours
My husband did like yours saying he thought his son had a right to express himself when he threw a stack of papers in my face and cursed me out....husband sat there and said nothing. Basically by not stepping to the plate and showing support for you, your husband is allowing a message to his children that he will not support you and that they can treat you anyway they want. This is very bad.
Not only did I not have the support of my husband but then the boys would tell bio mom things and she went get up in arms and then would call husband and tell him how I hated the boys obviously....just because I enforced the rules in my house and would not allow their poor behavior? So the boys had the support of both bio parents and that really really was not good for the relationship with SSs. In my case, I was the one raising them. Bio mom walked out when the boys were 2 & 4 and did not even care to come back into the picture til she had remarried and started her new family. I was the main parent to these children, trying to raise them as I would raise my owna nd I did not get the support for the decisions I made. It was a nigtmare to say the least. The boys are now 27 & 29 and we no longer speak.....they are of the mind we did them wrong.
It's a very hard road to go down but you are entitled to the rules of your household and it is very important that your husband supports your decisions. If he cannot there will be continued friction but I would not give in and allow what bio parents find acceptable as that acrfices your own values and will make you feel very bad for giving up part of your own beleives to "go along" or "get along." That can easily build lots of tension and stress inside that could eventually erupt like a volcano.
The 'culture shock'
The 'culture shock' thing...ahhh yesss... I came from a different culture too, a civilized one! A culture whereby people respected each other and parents were the bosses in the home. OH wait! It was a different generation, my bad!
I actually read somewhere that it takes approximately 7 years for a step family to blend, sure enough! I actually believe that they arrived at that conclusion because that's how long it takes for a kid to grow into the next 'phase' LOL it's a 7 year cyclical thing, right?
I was born in Japan because
I was born in Japan because my father was stationed there. I was raised that you took your shoes off when you came in the house. My SD15 and DH fought me terribly. But, I eventually won that battle. It is not that unusual, most families here in the south do it to because of the clay...You will never have her respect. You don't need it. Just don't put up with her. If your DH doesn't like it, he can move on...But, I doubt his next wife would put up with it anyway. Point that out to him.
Funny thing about "next
Funny thing about "next wife"... there've been two before me and the last one walked out when SD was a teen because in DH's words, she made him "choose between her or my daughter." SHe was also having an affair with the BD of her own son, but... yeah. But you're right in that I don't have her respect. She treats me the way she treats her dad.
So anyway, point being- I'm at this place where now I'm like- all the signs were there before I married this guy. I should have known. I knew and I went ahead anyway coz i thought it wasn't such a huge deal, that I could deal with it.
And honestly, before she lamented to DH that she thought I didn't like her, I had seriously begun to wonder if she was acting this way on purpose - to jeopardize my relationship with her dad. Now, I think that stunningly enough she HAD NO IDEA. How can a person not know that to behave in this manner is liekly to antagonise someone? Is it because I kept letting it go??
SD disrespects you, hits you
SD disrespects you, hits you and DH turns the other cheek and wants you to apologize. He's spineless and wants you to do the dirty work. It's typical.
I moved in w/DH and SD after we got married against my better judgement. She was wicked, and always did things covertly. My DH always promised to talk to her, but would never get around to it. So I told him either he set her straight or I would be moving out and ending the marriage because life is too short to live a miserable existence. So he started reaming her about everything she did that displeased me and thing slowly improved.
She also played the "daddy Shannon doesn't like me" card and I told him he should have set her straight and not to ever tell me anything she's said about me. Then I reminded him of all the crummy things she'd done and asked him how was I supposed to feel? That was the end of that conversation. After 3 years of living with us, she recently moved out at 27. Now she treats me w/the respect I deserve as DH's wife. But because of her future actions it's likely we'll never be close. She's never apologized, but I forgive her immature stunts.
The bigger issue here is not your SD, but your DH's lack of allegiance to you. Would you be allowed to slap your SD and get away with it? Would that be acceptable in his eyes? Of course not. Set him straight about what you expect from him as your DH. As his wife, you are supposed to come first. If he refuses to acknowledge that SD is intentionally disrespecting you and making you uncomfortable in your own home, likely with the hopes of driving you away, that leaves you 3 choices: you can continue to be a victim of SD's petty foolishness and be miserable in your own home, you can put your foot down and call SD and DH out and let them both know you will no longer accept or tolerate her disrepectful behavior in your home, or you can make plans to end the marriage.
Good luck.
Well... I've been perusing
Well... I've been perusing this site for a bit and I finally understand this whole 'Guilty Daddy' complex. Good lord, does DH fit that to a tee.
And you're right- none of those behaviours would be acceptable if it came from me. In fact, the last time I said I did not want to her to use my car because I didn't want to drive hers (Its a standard. I've only been driving two weeks and I'm shaky enough in an automatic), I got yelled at by DH.
I have a question though. When we argued he said, "So what if she's my daughter? You're my wife and as my wife you have to share the burden of her with me." I was too stunned ot reply. It didn't make sense to me, that argument and it seems like ... kinda old fashioned. I still have no counter to it other than "But I wasn't involved in her becoming this self entitled crazy person."
Also Labor Day. Anyone else dreading this? I'm starting to panic at the thought of holidays now. sighhhh.
If you are only 3 years older
If you are only 3 years older than she is, you did not have much to do with her upbringing. The 'burdon' was assumed by your DH when he impregnated BM. DH is out of line and it appears a bit old fashioned. Maybe he assumes because you are from another country he can treat you like a slave and you will just bow at his feet in submission, catering to his every command. He is totally unreasonable. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
I also have the no shoes in
I also have the no shoes in the house rule. I lived in Canada for forty years and that is a way of life there. I have been married to my childhood sweetheart for two and a half years now we co-own a house in Scotland in which we live. His twenty-two year old who lives with us refuses to honour the no shoe rule amongst other rules. He walks right up my carpeted stairs with his motor-bike boots on. My Dh promises to speak to him and has done so for two and a half years. Ss "forgets" , I am supposed to accept this because he has A. D.D. Funny he doesn't forget a whole load of keeping most things a secret from us. ie: two thoousand pounds compensation or the fact that he has been authorised with a two thousand pound loan. This is the same person that has refused to pay us room and board until two months ago. Am I frustrated.....hell yes.
I'd say "What's to like?"
I'd say "What's to like?" Slapping, cursing, stealing...wow, can she be MY SD?
Exactly what I said to DH.
Exactly what I said to DH.
Which is when he said, okay that's cool, I understand and you don't have to like her. But you need to tell her your list of greivances and put it out there. What she does with that information is her call and I'll be okay even if she decides never to speak to me again.
But seriously- you know how guilty I'd feel if his only daughter stopped talking to him because I don't like her? Wouldn't he hold that against me somewhere deep down inside? Besides- shouldn't HE be the one to break this to her in a manner she might understand? I'm actually kind of afraid of this woman.
No no no SHE ie SD is three
No no no SHE ie SD is three years older than I.
Since DH doesn't have any
Since DH doesn't have any balls, you're going to have to grow a pair. Call a family meeting w/DH and SD and tell her how you feel. Make sure DH is present so she can't make accusations about you later. Put it on the table to her about respect for you and your household and what you expect from her when she visits. Take the power back from SD because DH refuses to do it. This is about control.
Stand up to her and let her know you're no longer going to tolerate her antics. No yelling or screaming is necessary. Do it in a calm, rationale and assertive manner. She's a bully and it's time to stand up to her or it's only going to continue. Deal with this issue now, so you can start enjoying your marriage and stop fearing your SD.
Finally had my SD ever raised a hand to me, I would have gone to jail for beating her to a pulp. She wasn't that stupid.
Yep. I tried to talk to him
Yep. I tried to talk to him about it and he said, "You and her have this problem. Why can;t you just sit down and talk it out?" Oh and this has to happen at the earliest possible moment for THEIR convinience because a) DH is "sick" of hearing it. and b) SD has to go out of town to see another family member.
So ball-growing on my part must commence immediately. And- since DH flat out refuses to talk to her, I guess it's my only option. I DID tell him that he needs to be present and he needs to support me - he said he would but that remains to be seen. I won't at all be surprised if, when I say something and SD counters it, I won't be surprised if he just says we're both acting neurotic.
You're so right in that this is about control. Every time I talk to DH about it, he gets upset and angry to the point where I can't talk to him. I tried last night and that's what happened. Anger, irritation. He did agree though that he should have said something in the past and promises that he will in the future.
Thanks for all your support! I shall be having a convo with SD soon. Let's hope I don't break anything. ha ha.
Invite her for pizza, so it's
Invite her for pizza, so it's a more casual setting and she doesn't come over w/her guard up. I did this w/SD. DH sat there with his mouth damned near sewed shut . .looking ridiculous, waiting to see what I was going to say so I took the ball and ran w/it. I didn't yell or scream, but was civil and got my points across. I told her how I felt, she told us how she felt and we resolved alot. I was glad we had the meeting and kicked myself for not doing it sooner. Keep us posted!
You know, you don't HAVE to
You know, you don't HAVE to talk to her at all.
She said she was coming to stay, you said no.
That can be all the discussion there is.
Thankfully DH didn't override your decision and tell her she can stay.
So what if she ran to DH. It's his and her problem now, not yours. You're getting what you want and deserve - no evil skid at your house overnight.
I think you should have a glass of wine and snuggle with DH and ignore this.
She needs to go out of town anyway.
Yeah I know I don't HAVE to
Yeah I know I don't HAVE to talk to her but the thing is... it's eating ME Up as well. There's a lot of tension between me and DH because of this as well. And I'd like to level and also to know what the score is with her. Whichever way it turns out, I need to make an informed decision about my life in this family.
Seriously, i didn't for a second think adult children could be such a PITA! Esp. if they're older than me. I dont know why but I had this idea that since she was older than me, she'd behave more like an adult that I would.
She just called me a few minutes ago to say she's coming over to do her laundry and drop off some food she'd made. She's nice like that (about the food part not laundry). Her problem, I think, is that she's unable to see beyond herself. Total self-absorption. Anyway< I have no idea if she's coming here to talk to me or just do laundry. :?
It's called self entitlement.
It's called self entitlement. I too felt my SD was mature enough to handle daddy getting married. She acted like a spoiled brat and after telling DH "I'm glad you're getting married." She did everything in her power to run me away so DH saw her for who she really is. He was devastated by her actions and selfishness.
If you don't speak up, it's only going to fester then you'll end up blowing up and may end up doing or saying something you'll regret later.
Ugh. You're right. She was
Ugh. You're right. She was just here and she was super nice. Well- she complained about her ex a lot but then again, she's just broken up after a four year relationship so ... I will talk to her when DH is present though. Like you pointed out I want DH in the scene because I want him to know what's being said, what boundaries are being established. She's going to come over again later tonigh tto pick up her laundry. SO maybe, I'll talk to her then.
I have a good feeling about this. The thing is ... I realised after ... typing (?) with you all that I don't actually hate/dislike her. I'm just mad at her because her personality is abrasive to me. I think if we can sort this out and set boundaries, we can return to being friends-ish. I mean, I'm nto going to run to her with my problems but we can at least hang out and laugh. WHich we did today a little so maybe all is not lost?
Good for you. You just need
Good for you. You just need to establish boundaries in the relationship so she'll learn to show you the respect you deserve.