I need advice
Hi all,
I joined here looking to for people to talk to.
I have been married two years in January and with her 18 months before. We have a 1 year old daughter.
She has a 12 year old daughter and 22 year old step son.
I am at a loss, my wife seems powerless to stop her son causing trouble. Lying, manipulating and just saying things to her that upset her. I work and have a good job. My wife doesn't and that oks. He doesnt work and comes around when I am not at home and starts saying things about me. Now my wife came from a bad relationship of 18 years and the children saw alot of abuse on there mother. he has his girlfriend and a 18 month old child. They both dont work. he dumps his GF and child at our place and he either goes back to his home or goes to the pub to place bets on horses (BTW in a 14 day period he spends probably 2 nights there as he floats between our house and his fathers). he usually comes back and starts trouble, if he is at his fathers drinking, he'll call up play songs that his father and mother used to listen to. He has now started to get violent with his girl friend in my house. And wife doesnt do anything. She gets angry, but everytime she trys to confront him he says "You always put your man first" or "You're not going to see <> name again". If she tells them to leave to he will say "You have never looked so bad" or "You're just a skinny anorexic slut". The list goes on. My home, is horrible. There is no good feeling or happiness. Always drama. I feel like I Am being used. I am so worried for our little girl. I dont want her to think this is normal.
Worst of all Wife blames herself for there childhood. But she is so easily manipulated by him. He wont say anything while I am around, as he knows I wont put up with it.
But I come home from work, and my wife is exhausted and angry. She's stopped looking after herself. Worst of all, I dont want this for my daughter with her.
My wife isnt strong enough. All we do is fight about him. She lets him get away with murder. He has this control over her. I suspect because she has guilt over staying with there father for so long. My wifes mother and father have spoken to her and she just tells them she'll deal with it.
My wife, myself and our baby went to holland. Man, I had my wife back! Within two days of being away she was laughing, looking after herself and being the woman I fell in love with. I had to come back to Australia for work and she is with her sister. I'am hoping she can be strong. We talked about it alot. (back home we couldn't even talk about it she would just swear and scream at me..).
She's not home yet and he has started already saying bad things, telling her I am up to bullsh1t and cheating and does she even care.etc.
I begged her last night to stand with me, because I cant go back to it. But our daughter (my only girl). I dont want her growing up thinking this is normal behaviour.
The other problem is that as
The other problem is that as soon as I put my foot down, I end up being the bad guy. Because I'm being "unreasonable". Ironicly, he is totally personable when I am around. As soon as I am away, he starts with his mother. I've tried everything, helped him out with his car, offered professional advice.. I even gave him a job in my business for $800 a week in the hand (turning up to work was too much to ask of him).. if I ask (as I am on the way home) "hey mate, can you just sneak down to the bottle shop and grab me a bottle of jd, I'll sort you out when I get home". He's like nah. Mum can go. But he's the first one to come to his mother when he needs money. He and his misses will eat, and then just up an go like that. No thanks, no help with the dishes. He is totally unreliable.
And the classic line.. his mother tells him when he wants to borrow money (which he never pays back) that she needs to talk to me first. He says.. Why..you married him, its your money too!. I'm just stunned at the arrogance. The rudeness. The attitude of entitlement.
So when I crack the shits, Iam made out to be the bad guy. I tell my wife.. you know, you dont stand by me and it makes me feel like you dont respect me.. he's 22 years old!... she says I know he's 22 but he's seen alot of shit but he is more like 12 years old in the head.
So I'm doomed at every turn. Wife does try but only lasts for a week.
As you suggested, I'll sit down with Wife and read her the riot act I think.
She says he is 22 but only 12
She says he is 22 but only 12 in the head. Then if she believes that why us she allowing a 12 year old to run the house and treating him as an adult when she thinks he is 12. Take Sues advice. Get counseling ASAP.
You said she feels guilty
You said she feels guilty about her son's childhood because she stayed in an abusive relationship and he witnessed behaviors that have made him become the type of person he is today....
Does she not realize she is perpetuating the cycle by allowing your daughter to witness abuse in HER childhood? And what type of person does your wife think DD will become after having witnessed this?
^^This. Moreover, you *do*
^^This. Moreover, you *do* recognize that your DD is bearing witness to such an unhealthy way of relating to other people. I'm sorry to say, that puts the onus on you to change her environment. Mentally, your wife is still an abused woman and may always be (I know my own mother would just go from one abusive marriage to the next), so do what *YOU* can to protect your daughter. Your wife isn't up for it.
wow, what a hard position
wow, what a hard position you're in. you could talk through a scenerio with your wife about how if she doesn't get 22 yr old under control how if you split you'll take dd out of that situation and she'll lose custody of her...... just sayin.....
WOW, what a mess! As I was
WOW, what a mess! As I was reading this it sounded like my SS and how my husband will do nothing to stop his mouth but my goodness, something needs to change. This will only tear you and your wife apart if she contniues to allow this kind of behavior and these horrible statements. I am assuming you do not have a good relationship with the SS? Is there anyway you can speak to your wife and both of you agree as to how to address the SS and what needs to be said. If nothing else, and I know this would not go over well, you have to stand your ground and not allow this to continue. If your wife defends her son, it is time for counseling. This has to stop!
To protect you daughter you
To protect you daughter you really need to tell this young man to stay away from your home and tell your wife you do not want him around and that you will call the police. He is abusive and she is teaching yours and her daughter that this is normal and it is ok to be abused. Take control and lay down the law...she and your daughter will be grateful because she is not capable of taking care of your daughter and herself by drawing the line. Then take her to get some therapy to learn abuse is abuse and she deserves better! For Gods sake he is not even hers or your son! Kick him out of your life!
I'd say tough if you're being
I'd say tough if you're being "the bad guy." Someone has to be an adult. Who cares what they say? You have the upper hand here, use it to get sanity back in your life. Ban the bum from your home.