I need help!!!!
Okay, this is probably going to be a long vent and some of it petty.
In spite of not really doing anything much to make it happen, my adult ss34 is finally moving out on 11/1. That’s the good news. I’m happy. But, DH and he act as if he deserves a freaking gold star for it. It was really challenging since he’s destroyed his credit, makes $9.50 and hour, and has lived off his dad for the last 8 years so he has no rental history. What a winner. I find myself getting pissed off over minor things. For example, his phone broke and he got a new blackberry with a data plan effectively doubling his phone bill. I could give a tiny rat’s ass, except we are STILL paying for a phone we added to our plan for him 18 months ago. And we are still paying his car insurance. My hubby thinks I’m being petty and not appreciating his accomplishments. ARE YOU KIDDING??
Now enter his equally worthless daughter. If you’ve read my previous blog, you’ll know she’s a real winner too! She almost got married last month to her convict boyfriend the day before he was supposed to be sentenced for dealing crack but called it off. He’s gotten several girls preggers and I have reason to believe she might be as well.
Her van broke down a couple of weeks ago and DH had it towed to his mechanic who estimated repairs at $1600. Instead, convict’s friend offered to repair it for $100 and parts. Guess who paid for the towing and parts? Yep! DH! Then she decides that she needs a much newer vehicle and needs DH to co-sign. He refuses to say no to her, so he has put her off saying he needs to talk to me. And we all know what that means. That I’m the bitch who wouldn’t let her dad co-sign.
Now folks, I love my husband very much. I think I make a lot of sense when we discuss these things but his attitude is that he’s done this for years and that’s how he rolls. SD only calls when she wants money or a babysitter and SS only calls when he wants money. That’s the extent of their relationship with DH as I have seen it. My money hasn’t been spent directly on the Skids, but I’m taking up the slack in other areas like entertainment, groceries, etc.
Here is what I’m thinking of doing. Completely separate our money. When he runs out (which he often does), oh well! We both make about the same amount but my job looks pretty questionable in the short term. My thing is, I want a husband I can count on as he should be able to count on me when the going gets tough. If we separate everything, it will be like living with a roommate with benefits. I’ll feel like I can only count on myself. That’s not a marriage to me but I think it might be the only way this one will survive.
I really need your advice.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being petty. Watching your husband squander your and his hard earned money on very, very muchly adult as in in their thirties "children" has got to be driving you batshit crazy!
Why does he feel guilty? What does he think he did to them that he needs to shoulder the burden of their not growing the eff up already. I can't believe you had a 34 year old living with you. The only way I could go home is if a major disaster destroyed my house at this point and even then, it'd only be for a couple of weeks, two months max. Your husband is beyond enabling his "children" to complete incompetence as adults.
Yes, separate finances may seem like a failure, but you've got to look out for yourself because it seems your husband won't do it because he's too busy raising children that should have been raised 15 years ago.
I think your DH values your
I think your DH values your opinion. SAY NO! Absolutely not. Explain to him that you can no longer afford to take care of these adult children. That you have your own things to manage and that they must pay the consequences for their actions.
If he wants to assist with $100 here or there to help fix a car. Fine. But DO NOT allow him to co sign. If he co-signs it is as good as you co signing... and I can assure you, YOU will be making a car payment on a POS that won't run....later.
Do NOT do it. Period. Put your foot down. You have done enough. Smile and say goodbye to SS who is moving. After he is gone... make it clear to DH... that ss will not be coming back again.... time for him to grow up.
Sometimes our DH's need us to give them the backbone they need. Let them make us the biatch that said no. And if it happens... sit the Skids down and explain they are grown adults and this is how it is. You have done your share of helping them long enough. Period.
Hang in there.
At what point does he think
At what point does he think his kids should be able to support themselves? Ask him that. At what point does he think she should be adults? At what point should he stop supporting them?
Unfortunately... separating
Unfortunately... separating money creates issues of its own. Its hard to work toward common goals.... building savings, etc....
I agree, sometimes it is the only way to go.... but it is tough too. If you never have any left over money anyway.... THEN GO FOR IT. You have nothing to lose.
Maybe you could agree to equally deposit money into a joint savings account to go toward future things like vacation, savings, etc....
You all are great! We seem to
You all are great! We seem to have had the conversations you've suggested ad nauseam!! One problem is that I think we've agreed on things but there always seems to be that exception! He and I went to a counselor at my suggestion (who referred to him as an enabler several times!) and because of that, he agreed to only spend $200 a month or less combined. But, I agreed that it could be rolled over if they didn't need anything that month. Well, that plan went to hell. The son actually bothers me less than the daughter even though he's living with us. Maybe partly because it's so short-term now. (He's been here since April)
But the daughter is a real bitch to me. And she’s incredibly secretive about what’s going on in her life. My attitude is that if you’re constantly asking for financial help, your life should be an open book as to where your money is currently going. Because of that, I find myself doing things I would never normally do!!! Like reading her email and FB page as someone else. I know that’s kind of low, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to find out what the real scoop is about her ridiculously ghetto life. She lies to her dad all the time about virtually every aspect of her life. Frankly, if he weren’t paying for her stupid life choices I wouldn’t care what she does.
The stress just really gets to me. Last night my DH came home and acted as if everything were fine since we slept on it. He asked if I was still upset and seemed surprised when I said yes! Although he did hear me out when I pointed out that she couldn’t even pay for her van to be towed so how could she make a car payment… Maybe he’s coming around a little bit. I think what he really wants is for me to constantly be the bad guy so they won’t be upset or angry with him. I guess I will have to learn how to accept that role if I want this marriage to succeed.