I plain just don't understand

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I just plain cannot make sense out of my SD21's behavior. She rarely (maybe never I was being nice) sees her dad unless she wants something and then this last time she stopped by...she was going out of her way to insult him...and more than once. Why on Earth would you only come around if you want something...but then be rude and condescending? It makes no sense whatsoever. If you want to get your way, wouldn't you at least pretend to "play nice" for a visit? Makes me shake my head...makes me sick.

But he doesn't give in all

But he doesn't give in all the time. In fact that just angered him. Usually if one of us is buying things for the grandbaby or birthdays it is me...and not very often. He just isn't into that. Her last visit was for her baby's birthday...every single present was purchased and wrapped by me...including the card. He did sign the card...but no money in it if that was what she was expecting. I had found a bargain on 3 outfits and a stuffed animal. Couldn't have been that satisfying.

But he doesn't give in all

Same issue with my SD19...and

Same issue with my SD19...and I just wrote a blog yesterday about my DH taking her to Nashville for 4 days. I don't know why he signs up for this punishment.

She's the exact same way. Most recent thing...he took her to a fancy restaurant for her birthday in November. Came home so morose, crying...talked to me for 2 hours about all the rude, condescending, horrible things she'd said to him. Of course, he still picked up the $100+ tab for dinner and gave her her presents.

But I feel the same way. Why does she agree to go and then just make it miserable?

People like this toxic spawn

People like this toxic spawn are the most fun to f~(# with. So, have some fun at her expense. I would. }:)

I am at a total loss as to

I am at a total loss as to how to do this? She seems oblivious to anything. Just has an insatiable desire to punish him I guess.

Instead of giving her

Instead of giving her anything hand out $100/bills to homeless people with her standing right there. She gets nothing and her nose is rubbed in every little detail of what she is not getting and someone else is each and every opportunity that arrises.

Record her toxic whiney crap and post it on youtube.

Experience and treachery will beat youth and iexperience every time. So, get down and dirty, treacherous, and own her ass.

I am at a total loss as to

I am at a total loss as to how to do this? She seems oblivious to anything. Just has an insatiable desire to punish him I guess.

This is where we, as step

This is where we, as step parents, need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and say "not my problem".

I know how you feel though, and it's very frustrating.

My problem is...if I don't

My problem is...if I don't buy a gift then he will just hand over cash. If I buy something...anything... then he is fine with it just being the gift. So I clearance rack shop and make it as inexpensive as humanly possible. I think each individual piece of clothing came out to less than $2 each. I figure that is garage sale pricing on new clothes. So then I can keep the money cost way below the $100 he would have handed over. Seems like a win to me.

I have considered that and

I have considered that and have tried to contact her separately. She "plays" along for a while and goes right back to this manipulative underhanded stuff. I am so not into manipulative and sneaky. She has even tried to report to my hubby that I had contacted her. That didn't work...he already knew. I am smart about how I do these things. The baby is sadly another pawn. Unfortunately for her...I don't think it is working like she had hoped. He just plain isn't going out of his way. He is still of the mindset that she needs to do the contacting. It is a vicious circle. And quite frustrating. It is too bad her BioMom is irrational and spiteful. If she encouraged his children to be accepting or at least willing to try...they would likely benefit tremendously. If not, it is just a game and I don't like it...thus clearance presents and no cash.

because she has hidden anger

because she has hidden anger in her heart that is unresolved...She is trying to appease it by a sense of entitlement and materialism...thinking this will satisfy the insatiable appetite of unforgiveness..."a hidden heart produces lying lips"....

She won't deal with it until it is honestly acknowledged with the desire to be free from her misery (she probably isn't even conscience of her own state of being right now)...Dh will never appease her until he confronts how unacceptable her not being honest with herself and him is... if the relationship is going to be a healthy one...otherwise, this life pattern will continue...and when she has his grandchildren...they will more than likely be used to take the hate to a whole new level...He needs to let her individualize as an adult now...otherwise she will delay launching into adulthood...

The best thing dh can do is to understand the real issue, and stand up for the principal of seeing his daughter get free from the baggage of the broken family issue...whatever her issues are...abandonment, hate and unforgiveness, feeling like she is "owed" something to pay for the failed family experience....add a little pas'ing from the bm over the years...and you have the perfect scenario for a lifetime of disappointment and misery if you take on her baggage...Only she can get real with her own deal....but if dh keeps appeasing her with money, materialism, over the top giving to somehow "compensate" for his unresolved guilt, or maybe he just thinks it's his problem because she is his offspring...whatever the case may be...the avenue he is choosing is a never-ending merry go round...The only reason she is stuck in this pattern...is because dh has allowed it to begin with...He is the one who trained her to treat him that way....

In order to set healthy boundaries...He has to recognize the need for them and where exactly....and why...If he cannot see the real problem...He won't be able to take the necessary adult measures needed to let her grow up...unhealthy co-dependency is not a good thing for anyone....

the path of least resistance isn't working...His method of throwing money at the symptom of a deeper root problem is only prolonging the long overdue process of getting to the truth of the matter and dealing with the real issues...

Sometimes you have to step out of the fishbowl to look at what is happening in your family's culture to make the necessary changes for a better life...peace.

Wow! I'm going to have to

Wow! I'm going to have to reread all of that, but thank you. It sounds like what I've been trying to say, but maybe have been too close to the situation to get it quite there. Thank you!

If you bought a gift card,

If you bought a gift card, would your DH ask the amount on it? I would buy a $5 or $10 gift card, put it in a 50 cent BD card and hand it to DH to give her. If SD complains to DH, just tell him the truth; she doesn't appreciate anything you give her and discuss it no further. I stopped the gift buying and making it convenient for my DH six years ago; I don't care what he does for grown SD. Since I quit all the gift worries; my DH gives much less.

}:)

I am not sure if she would

I am not sure if she would tell him how much was on a gift card or not. I think he would be too worried of how it would "look" if there wasn't an adequate appearing present either monetary or otherwise for the grandskid. Since I don't want him handing over cash to SD21 for the baby...which won't be used for her, I buy some extremely inexpensive items. His daughter names the amount for her own birthday...let me tell you I let him have it for that...she can't visit she doesn't get to put a pricetag on it. We shall see if that is allowed again.

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I plain just don't understand