IM NEW HERE AND IN NEED!!
Ok, so here is my story in which I hope and pray for some good advice from people that have been through something similar. To keep it somewhat short, i moved in with my now husband 3 years ago, and we married a year ago. The man who i thought was strong and dependable, responsible and someone who likes the house NOT to smell like cat or dog piss, (i will explain that one later) has made me question it all. I am 36 and he is 50. He is retired Air Force, and is in line for a good job. I have 2 daughters, 13 and 11, and he has a son who is 20 still living with us. His son quit school his junior year, 3 years ago. Said he was going to get his GED. He just did 6 months ago and joined the National Guard. Is now in basic training. Between the time he quit school and left for basic, this is how things were. He has a car in which his dad pays for insurance. His dad used to buy him cartons of cigarettes, until recently i helped him realize we do not have the money! He has two small breed dogs who he keeps in his bedroom 24/7 becaue they are not trained and i do not want them pissing all over my floor. He hardly ever takes them outside to pee or poop. He just lets them do it on his bedroom carpet, which makes me mad too, because we just moved to this new house and now, like the other duplex we lived in, is starting to make the whole house smell terrible!! I cant take it! But when i do even mention something nicely about it to my husband we always end up in a huge fight!! I have learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Sometimes i cannot though. I do not like my house smelling like dog piss, it is embarassing to me and my daughters. My husband, it does not bother him as much and he does not enforce antyhing with his 20 year old son. His son wakes up around 12pm every day, either on the living room couch or his room. His dad has to wake him up. He eats whatever and whenever he wants, plays on the computer all day, maybe takes a nap, goes over to his older brothers house to hang out and stays up til the wee hours of the morning. He does nothing around the house, and i mean NOTHING, NO chores at all! If he fixes himself something to eat he does not clean up his mess, guess who does?? His dad! Drives me CRAZY!! He leaves dishes, dirty dishes in his room for weeks and months at a time. My husband and i used to constantly fight about that too, cuz i would run out of spoons or forks to eat with, and instead of having his son bring them in from his room he would go out and buy more!! Im like "oh my gosh, why in the world would u waste money that we do not have to do that". My dishes would also get thrown away, tupperware and spoons or forks, because they sat so long or he was to lazy to bring them in, or he would lie to his dad and say he doesnt have any in his room and then throw them away. My husband does not hold him accountable, lets him get away with murder. And as much as i love my husband, i cannot handle this much longer. I am waiting to see what happens in february when his son gets home from basic. I know things will go back to the same ways.. and then what do i do? I have 2 daughters 13, and 11, and i make them clean their room good at least once a week. But his room stinks!! The urine is set into the carpet and we have lived here for only 5 months!! Before we moved here my husband promised me he would be the "dog police", he is not. I cant live in a smelly disgusting house much longer. I feel my husband does not respect me enough to see that its wrong to make me and my children live like this,and he needs to cut the umbilical cord and make his son grow up. I am afraid when his son gets back, he will live with us for years more and not do a damn thing. No job, no girlfriend. He thinks since he enlisted in the Guard, that when he gets home he does not have to get a full time job. The guard is one weekend a month and he can spend his 100 bucks on whatever he wants! He has also never had a girlfriend. Help Me Now Please!!!!!!!!
I would flat out refuse to
I would flat out refuse to let his son move back in. That is just unbelievably disgusting. If your DH wants to kick off then tell him he will also be looking for somewhere else to live when his son returns home. No offense but your husband and ss sound like right dirty mingers if they can stand the house stinking of p*ss. Its no wonder your kids are embarrased, I would be as well
Husband wont "abandon" his
Husband wont "abandon" his son. Will not make him move out. He may threaten but when it comes down to it, he will not follow through.My heat just kicked on for my house and i can smell it coming throught the vents! Yuck!
He's a grown man with a new
He's a grown man with a new career. Kick him out. Tell your DH it's him or you. Period. Then tell your DH to sleep in son's room until he gets home or he tells SS he can't move back in there. Men will push and push and get away with what they can. Set your limits and stick to them.
They do push, you are
They do push, you are correct. My husband would not last 30 minutes in his sons room. Unless he is cleaning it for him!! Ya, thats another thing. I guess im gonna have to start making some tough decisions in feb/march.
Trust me i can talk all i
Trust me i can talk all i want, but doesnt mean anything is gonna change. I have fought so much over all this. Tried to put my foot down. I have suggested a while ago about building a dog pen in our fenced in back yard, but my husband says they are not outside dogs, they are small breed and will freeze to death in the winter. He says he will not do that. And we cannot let them run free in the yard he says, because they might drown in our pool. Im sick of laziness with these stupid animals! I offer to take the dogs outside, even though i cannot stand to even open his bedroom door cuz of the smell, an i am told, no i will get it. And im thinkin ok its 10, 11 am and ur still in bed too (my husband), these dogs have went all night...ugh!! drives me crazy!
It's time for SS to fnd his
It's time for SS to fnd his way on his own, time for him to grow up. Your husband is only enabling, more than likely fears rejection or anger from his son if he sets his foot down, my SSs did the same garbage. Husband made every excuse under the sun for them. You are thinking logically but your husband has alot of emotions involved here. Unfortunately the fights are only going to continue, the hard feelings you ahve are going to become even harder and keeping your mouth closed about something that goes against your line of thinking is going to be mental torture for you, I have lived it. This is your opportunity to turn the situation around. It is time for daddy to let his boy become a man and stand on his own 2 feet!
You nailed it on the head
You nailed it on the head AVR1962. Thank you. I have told my husband a few different times he is just enabeling his son. He knows it, i think, and he knows that his son does not want to grow up and have responsibilites yet. His son has even admitted it. And my husband DOES have a lot of emotions involved here for sure. He definately makes every excuse in the book for his son. My husband does not realize how many times his son lies to him. How lazy he is and how much of a mooch he is. SS will make his dad feel bad or push and push, or turn something around on his dad to get his way. I know there are worse things in life to be mad about, but i never thought in my wildest dreams i would be in this situation. I feel let down by my husband. Im not a neat freak nor am i a overly strict parent by no means, my daughters would probably disagree with the last one just because they dont get to do everything there lil hearts desire, lol, but im a good person. And in my heart, im about 90% sure if i told my husband this stops now, or his son has 30 days to get his stuff together or move out. that would not happen. In fights about all this, he would say, well what do you want me to do kick him out?, and i would say no, i want you to teach him life lessons and how to grow up and be responsible. He comes back with, "well, im not gonna kick him out", "would you kick your daughters out if they were 20". And i said, "i would not kick them out but i would not let the dictate to me and they would have responsibilites and a job for sure!! They would pay rent and keep still have chores to do. But anyways... i just keep venting.. sorry. I stopped bringing those things about his son up because i was so tired of fighting. SS is gone now to basic but when he gets back i have a bad feeling its not gonna go well round here.
You are so right! Everything
You are so right! Everything you said is true. My husband does regret things with his son. Letting him drop out of high school for one. My husband takes the blame for everything with his son. He says he used to be very strict when his kids were younger, and his kids would say yes sir, and no sir. They knew where the boundaries were. Then he was overseas and a terrible thing happened and my husband melted down. I felt very sorry for him and still do sometimes when woke up at night. But i did not think he would baby his son so badly. He said after that he went from being strict and a disciplinarian to the total opposite. I have mentioned finding a middle ground.. he cant. or wont. Im not sure if his son will even make it through basic. SS wanted to go active at first, or said he did anyways, i think he was just trying to get to his father by making statements about being in the infantry and jumping out of airplanes, to make his father worry. And when it came right down to it ss did not want to go to college after he got his GED, and i think there was something about you cannot go active anymore if you do not have high school diploma, but there was a small window when he enlisted that he could go active if he went to school and applied. He chose not to, only wanted to do the weekend thing. His dad has talked to him a couple of times just for a few minutes of course, but has gotten off the phone saying he does not like it and wished he had gone to college. Which i knew he would not like having to get up w someone screaming at you so early. He is not used to any of that at all!
And the carpet.. when we shampooed it, it just brought up the smell from deep in the carpet WORSE!! My husband did say when ss left for basic he would rip it up, but he probably wont. And if i do it myself, i will have hell to pay!! I hardly ever go in there cuz i cannot stand the smell or filth, but i did the other day and seen a note attached to his computer, saying, dad please dont clean my room or mess with anything, i want to come back to it the way i left it. I was like seriously? And my husband probably wont touch a thing. I just dont know anymore. I thought for sure him being retired military he would have some structure himself, but he very rarely gets out of bed before 10am, sometimes 12pm. Its all so difficult, because i really do love him.
You might also point out the
You might also point out the serious health issues that could be involved here with all that dog poop.