It was only a matter of time.
After about two & a half weeks of a quiet peaceful home with my bf's kids & cousin gone, he's been telling me that he wants to go down to his 21yr old daughter's college & bring her dog up here for the week. I'm off from work for a few days and I made it clear to him that I am NOT watching her dog while he's at work during the day. He claims I'm angry because I'm not getting my way...no stupid..I'm not doing any favors for your smut daughter that shows me no respect. She got mad and blocked me on fb when my bf sent her back to college after she thought she was going to stay here interrupting another weekend. She also said something about me to my bf brother because he called him asking what happened. I made it loud & clear that night that I did not want her there and I'm sick of her always invading. All bf is doing is opening the doors right back up for her to start her manipulative, lying crap again. I told bf he's a spineless wimp and it was only a matter of time before he would fold & go running to one of his spoiled, manipulative spawn. I can't be bothered with this anymore.
You have only been with this
You have only been with this guy a year right? Maybe he isn't the right guy for you. Clearly he is one of those parents that feels helping their young adult kids (and cousin).. is something that they should do if able.. so he does it. You do have to understand that if you stay in this relationship that he has people in his life that you don't like and he isn't cutting his kids off from his life.. even if they do become more independent with time.
It is too many cards stacked against you honestly.
What would he do with the dog
What would he do with the dog if you weren't there? Wpuld he allow her to bring the dog, knowing it would be roaming free without supervision?
Your bf seems to want his kids to come and go freely; spend the weekend. That's the relationship he wants with them and that's okay. He has been their father for 20+ years. He's been with you for a year. You're not a fan of these weekends and want your peace and quiet. That's okay, too.
Living together does not seem to be workable. Find your own place so you have peace and quiet when he wants a weekend with his kid(s).
^this right here
^this right here
sometimes a relationship might be able to work if living separately
I quit living with my ex fiancé who was a staunch Disneyland dad with no custody agreement because I was not about to have my peace disrupted on a weekly basis by his lackadaisical parenting and his kids having no home training.
He obviously loved that chaotic kid centered home life .... I on the other hand loathed living with a "gentle parenting" type partner
This is exactly
How he is, and I'm over at this point. He wants to keep treating his 3 adult spawn like babies and be manipulated by them he can go right ahead by himself.
What is the housing situation
What is the housing situation? Are you looking for something in the same area or can you look in adjacent towns? Because, honestly, it sounds like you're ready to go.
It's just the two of us now
My bf has been talking about selling the house & the two of us getting a smaller place together. He wants to buy another home in a couple of years..it sounds good but I told him none of this will happen with all of this bs going on. I'm also not interested in investing in a home either with someone that isn't my husband. I'll move anywhere that's close to my job, so it doesn't have to be the same town my bf lives in
You're being smart about that
You're being smart about that potential home! *good*
He would do the same like always
He feeds the dog a ton of table food & upsets her stomach so she passes gas, poops and pees all over the house. Cause once he has the dog all filled up with junk he catches an attitude cause she cries to go outside. It's not about him having the kids over for the weekend, but him thinking that I'm going to be okay with being around them after seeing how they do not respect me.
He claims I'm angry because I
This is funny but I'm sure it's not really funny living it out in real time.
Do the opposite of what he's expecting.
Tell him YES! you'll watch that dog for a fee
Charge double or more than what a normal doggie daycare would cost. So if he's dead set on taking custody of this dog he has to compensate you to make his request beneficial to you or figure out another solution
That's funny
But no..he just wants to have the dog in the house cause he claims misses her. He assumes that since I'm off this week I'm going to watch the dog while he's at work and that's a NO from me. I don't know how long he plans on keeping her for, but I'm not being bothered with any of it.
He assumes that since I'm off
That Disneyland dad I used to deal with was like that.
Mf thought he could impose his decisions on MY time.
If it wasn't importing his domestic t3rrorists every week, it was bringing over random neighbors kids, allowing his family to "pop up", suggesting random pets (no one but me would probably be doing the work taking care of them)
Firstly that's not his place to tell you how to spend your time being responsible for something you don't want.
If he can't trap you/lock you in with his bad a$$ kids he will exact his plan with a "cute cuddly" dog.
A dog, literally any dog, will definitely be easier than dealing with half these skids out here BUT the fact remains----his unilateral attempts to make decisions that impact you are showing his true colors right now
Some of these men are so childlike in how they suggest we add all these extra responsibilities (bc "you're off work today" "you have free time this month" "you got your bonus check", etc) to our plates so they can reap the benefits without having to assist us in any real meaningful way .... then have the audacity to ask for some seggs .... then wonder why women be initiating divorces over 70% of the time.
Yes this is him!
He does exactly this! Like I'm supposed to be a dog sitter by default because I'm dating the spawn's father. Nothing is ever planned it's always spur of the moment, I remember one night his 24 yr old daughter texted me asking what we were doing cause she was on her way with her sister to drop their dogs off while they went to go party. It was after 11pm, I told her we were in bed but of course he let them stop by & drop them off anyway. Before the fall out with his son, he let him wake him up from a nap to change the brakes on his car. Last month his 24yr old had surgery & he didn't even bother to take the day off. He dropped her off at the hospital then went to work, picked her up after the procedure and brought her to our place. I took care of her until he came home from work thinking he would take over but instead he went upstairs to his game room..I went right up there & yelled at his ass to come downstairs and take care of his daughter.
Now that they're all mad at me & not speaking to me because I made him put his foot down there's no way in hell I'm doing them any favors.
^Disneyland dad I used to
^Disneyland dad I used to deal with did all this crap and more
Thats why his a$$ single right now
Yeah no favors deserved. Don
Yeah no favors deserved. Don't do jack sh**. Institute the "subtraction method" - check out my blog on this...it's THEIR doing not yours to why you won't do "extras" for these SKID-ADULTs. Stand your ground Ms.
You and BF are in two different pages
In the playbook. Time to start making boundaries. Or make an exit plan. How many years do you want to. do this, what will happen when GK arrive ?
Skip the boundaries, just go
Skip the boundaries, just go for the exit plan. This is going to be a very frustrating journey and you can get off this train NOW.
To those saying "you want
To those saying "you want different things out of life", etc. Idk. It sounds like OP doesn't want to dog-sit while her SO is at work. He's an a-hole to expect her to. So, yeah, he wants her to be an on-demand dogsitter and she doesn't want to be. He wants to allow his adult kids and cousins to use his house as a trap house. She doesn't want to live in a place where random party people wander into her kitchen in the morning after a night of partying.
Those are different things
Those are different things out of life. *unknw*
Do we know if they had any kind of agreement about the kids visiting/staying/partying when OP moved in? If so, did it change?
OP doesn't like the living arrangement. Her bf does and expects her to do things she's unwilling to/resentful of doing. He's being an a-hole because she won't cave to his demands/expectations. She wants what she wants. He wants what he wants. Those wants don't gel. Life is too short. Chalk it up to lessons learned move out/on.
Before I moved in
I told my bf that his son & cousin have to move out, he finally got them out earlier this month. There was no agreement because he got into a huge fight with his son & he packed up everything and left. His 21 year old daughter just calls spur of the moment and invites herself over, which can be annoying at times because sometimes we're busy or out on a date. The last time she did this was when I spoke up about it and she got upset. I feel this is my bf way of sucking up to her because he feels guilty & offered to watch her dog even though she got the dog registered as a service animal to stay with her at her college. Bf assumes that since he volunteered to take his daughter's dog up here to visit, that I would be okay with watching her dog while he's at work..not happening
His 21 year old daughter just
Make it clear to your partner that GUESTS (yes adult kids are now promoted to guests since they are no longer dependents, extended family, Dogs, etc) are welcome with invitation only
Then change the locks if she has a key
You shouldn't have to suffer in your home that you contribute to way more than these skids simply bc your partner won't seek therapy for his unresolved issues/guilt
It's kind of like going to a
It's kind of like going to a pizza parlor that only serves ham and pineapple pizza. To some people, that is an abomination.. but that place only serves it that way. So, you can go, deal with the pineapple or you can go to another place that doesn't have pineapple on every pizza. It's not inherently wrong to like or want pizza with pineapple, but not everyone will like it.
It's not wrong that he wants to have a home where his kids are welcome.. where he can have his daughter's dog come home to visit (because it sounds like the dog was living at the house at some point?) And it's not wrong for someone to hope their partner will help them with things.. like maybe letting the dog out to go potty... especially when they will already be in the home. It's not right to DEMAND it.. but we do favors for our partners all the time.. it's part of the ebb and flow of most relationships. So, him asking.. or thinking she would do it because he doesn't see it as a big ask.. is not necessarily wrong either.
But.. if OP wants an adult kid free home.. doesn't want to accomodate dog visits.. then.. well. this isn't the pizzaria for her.
If the guy IS being an ahole about things.. throwing his weight around because it's HIS house.. then maybe the real issue is the red flag of someone acting like that.. vs the dog watching issue.
He also has these kids... they aren't going away.. if OP is as anti his kids as it seems.. she is brushing away a lot of red flags.. because the kids are part of the package.. and now she "knows" the kind of thing that may entail... so at this point, if she stays.. she is likely to continue to have these kinds of conflicts.
It's only been a year.. it's not like she has wasted the last decade on him.
Well said, ESMOD.
Well said, ESMOD.
And now I want pizza...
It wouldn't be an issue
If his kids were respectful..I've mentioned this in previous posts. I'm not doing any favors for anyone when they can barely open their mouth to acknowledge me, that includes his daughter. When she was staying here temporarily before leaving for college she would just leave the dog with me assuming I was going to watch her all day, wouldn't ask me if I had to work or if I could do her the favor of pet sitting. She got her dog registered as a service animal so she can stay with her at the college...my bf volunteered to pick the dog up from her for a visit ASSUMING I would be okay watching her while he's at work & that's not happening.
That's a BF problem. That he
That's a BF problem. That he presumed that he could impose on your time to do him favors and defacto tried to obligate you by saying yes to his daughter.
IMHO.. he can crate the dog while he is at work.. it doesn't sound like you live there.. and maybe you had plans for your time off too..
If the dog is a bona fide
If the dog is a bona fide service animal then how come she can live for a week without it?
The key is "bona fide service
The key is "bona fide service animal". This kid is fulla shit and this dog is most likely not a service animal.
Sadly, apparently, there are fly by night services that will certify any animal as a service or emotional support animal via some official loop hole of legitimacy.
More hokey bullshit where legitimate value added service animals (Seeing eye dogs, deaf support dogs, epilepsy sensing dogs, etc....) are made suspect by dipshits trying to get their pet turned into something notable other than a pet by paying dirtbags for a certificate and a vest so they can take Fluffy to dinner with them somewhere pets should not be.
Grrrrrr.
The criteria for this should be so detailed and strict and the consequences for fraudulent crap should be so severe that only legitimate service animals supporting people with actual need could be certified. Anyone participating the system should end up in prison for bullshitting the whole concept. Fly by night certification conduits should be providing inmates to prison where they can be cell mates with owners who are full of shit.
IMHO of course.
You said it all!
Bf daughter has had the dog since she was very little so I understand the attachment, but she is in no way a service dog. The dog is pretty old & she just wants the dog with her everywhere she goes.
More hokey bullshit where
Fluffy the "service dog" .... now all up in Ruth Chris with his pet dander and fleas .... eating $150 5 star steaks right with you
Because it's not a service dog
She went somewhere and got paperwork filled out just to have the dog with her at college.
^^^I see your perspective and
^^^I see your perspective and it's one thing to ask your partner help you pick up a pizza after work, take out the laundry, change the car oil, (or ask for help in things that don't require a significant amount of resources, effort, responsibility)
IMO it's very inconsiderate and un-partner-like to assume and expect your partner to use their resources to take on major responsibilities without discussing with them and getting their agreement first.
Also lot of men have difficulty comprehending the word NO from a woman.
So if they ask their woman for favors, help, anything that requires her to use her time, money, energy and she says NO then they have to accept NO vs trying to exact revenge, go into passive aggressive pissing matches, etc like OP's husband did here when she rightfully said no
"So, you can go, deal with
"So, you can go, deal with the pineapple or you can go to another place that doesn't have pineapple on every pizza. It's not inherently wrong to like or want pizza with pineapple, but not everyone will like it."
But maybe OP likes ham and pineapple pizza but she just doesn't want to eat it in a roach-infested hole with a bunch of jerks. I guess i just hate to see people thinking they "aren't cut out for stepparenting" or that they aren't a "kid person" after dealing with the worst of it. I've even read some posters say that after stepparenting, they don't want kids of their own because of the experience. It's kinder to tell someone you aren't a kid person or you just want couple time than it is to say "you've raised little monsters and i don't want to be around them." But don't lie to yourself, too.
Sure.. absolutely.. this
Sure.. absolutely.. this doesn't mean that steplife is necessarily going to always be a problem for her.. but THIS version of it may not be for her.. because some parents like their adult kids to feel at home and consider their parent's home theirs if they need it.
This guy is in some ways likely a nice and accomodating guy.. but it also reflects in his attitude towards letting kids and cousins take up residence.
The real issue for me is him assuming she will do things for him or his kids without clearing it as a request.
"The real issue for me is him
"The real issue for me is him assuming she will do things for him or his kids without clearing it as a request."
Yeah, that's huge. He's a nice and accommodating guy to his kids but not to her. I think a lot of women are duped that way. They see a guy catering to his kids and think "Wow, he's such an amaaazing dad! Think how great of a partner he will be to me!" Only tp find out that the amazingness is all used up when they want some.
Plus, this guy shows a lack of standards by allowing the skids and cousin to come stay without asking, and allowing parties with randos crashing at the house without asking is just a trashy way to live IMO. Kids who were raised properly wouldn't do that, and a parent who isn't trying to be their kids' BFF wouldn't allow it. I had to go back to live with my parents a few times as an adult and would be out on my a$$ if my mom had walked into the kitchen to get her morning coffee and 2 hungover strangers stumbled in.
Exactly
He's too busy being their friend and not their father, I've said it to him too. All of the parties & randoms coming here has stopped a while ago, his son & cousin moved out earlier this month. I get what you're saying though, the fact that my bf even allowed it to go on is crazy. I made it clear to him that home was never a hangout in my family and I plan to keep it that way.
Now we're on day 3 of bf not speaking to me since we argued about me not watching his spawn's dog on my days off. I leave for work tomorrow anyway so he can have his time with all of them while I'm gone for the weekend. I may just make my time away longer than that.
To be fair.. it sounds like
To be fair.. it sounds like the kids living there.. cousin etc.. happened before she moved in so he didn't really need her permission and that a condition of her moving in was that they moved out. But.. yeah... these kids felt way to comfortable using dad's home like a flop house (as my parents would say).
It does speak to a likely different set of values.
That's why in this situation.. my tendency is to tell her that this is not the right guy for her. He is permissive with his children.. they have been raised with questionable boundaries... He wants to be their cool buddy dad.. he is ok with his daughter gaming the "service dog" system. That dog should have remained at home.. not gone to school with her.
It's only been about a year.. so now she knows enough about him to know he isn't the right guy for her.
This is true,
But his son was already here he had a conversation with the cousin and told me after the fact that he would be moving in temporarily. Which brings me to your point that bf is not the right guy for me. He never asks for my input, or if I will be comfortable with whoever wants to come by let it be a visit or staying here. It's always yes to everyone and he doesn't ever consider me..and I can't do it.
some parents like their adult
The Disneyland Dad is used to deal with said this exact same stuff
My response....."Let's get one thing straight here Bob - I'm the one providing you with "special benefits" and I'm the one helping you with the upkeep, maintenance, financial management, and organization of this home - so I have a larger stake in the decision making process of this household than those kids will ever have"
Those kids pay not one bill, their name isn't on the deed, they didn't close at signing, they didn't put any money down so 95% of the decisions of the house aren't going to be made by them
Their wants and needs will be considered but ultimately the decisions are down to the adults/actual home owners
***consult with a lawyer on property ownership rights. Since you're not married then it could be possible a house purchased and paid for by him would be "his kids" house inherited by his kids if god forbid anything happened. You may need a cohabitation agreement or marital agreement to protect your interests ***
What I'm getting is that she
What I'm getting is that she wants an adult relationship, not one where she's taken advantage of (if he wants the dog there so much then he should take it to work with him, if he can't do that then what's the point having it there), and she doesn't want to live in a flop house.
Honestly, I think you should get a place for yourself, OP, and keep dating him if you want. He's never going to understand your point of view and your needs. He hasn't grasped that his kids don't actually need him anymore - he wants to be needed but hasn't reached the point where he can envisage putting a lover, a partner above his need to "provide", to "do" for his kids.
Until he can accept that his kids are capable of living on their own, that they don't actually need daddy, and that he can have an adult relationship without constantly trying to make them happy, then this is a lost cause.
Yes! Exactly!
Yes! Exactly!
if he wants the dog there so
bingo!!!!
You want that dog YOU take care of it and don't selfishly assume other people want that responsibility
You have a BF problem not a SK problem.
I can understand BF wants his kids to flop in his [there home]. You on the other hand don't want kids who disrespect you to mooch off of you. You two must either come to some type of agreement. Or you must take charge of your life and leave.
You must give BF. A choice of his kids or you. If he chi's kids you know what you have to do
We have a rule that we never
We have a rule that we never volunteer or commit each other for something. Whatever is asked is directed to the person needed. OP you need this rule. For instance, I am a professional expert in something. Something that would easily be expected and dumped on. DH would never dream of dumping that request in me without asking. I would never commit him without asking. It's just rude and cause negativity in the relationship. ( as you wrote). How bold of him to have these expectations.
Set him straight.
Your frustration and upset
Your frustration and upset say, yep, you sound done. It seems he is dug in to the way he and his kids operate, and you mentioned before that he lets them take advantage/walk all over him. Will you all do better living separately or just calling it quits?
I chuckled a little about the dog. Before DH and I met, his ex and kids dumped (via guilt) their unhousebroken, stubborn "family dog" on him. When we moved in together, BM said to me, "I'm so glad you all have her. I couldn't keep her because I have carpet. . . ." meaning, "She can sh** all over your house like we all plan to do."
We cannot be. . . shat upon.
Spouses speak and agree
Spouses speak and agree before either of them commit to anything. DH did not respect his mate or his vows.
Unacceptable.
You really have a DH problem.
He's the one that ids setting the ground rules for dysfunctional family, you must stop blaming the world and blame the appropriate person DH. He's allowing all the dysfunctional stuff .
I'm blaming the world?
I clearly mentioned in the original post that I told my bf he's spineless for allowing this mess.