Joint custody of future inlaws
Help! I need a reality check from some objective observers. My SS24 met his GF his freshman year in college. DH and I made an effort to meet her parents on move-in and pick-up days. Over the 4 years, we've had lunches and dinners with them when we've been in town at the same time. BM and her DH never made the effort, so the first time they met GF's parents was at graduation. I should say that BM is competitive and always wants to outdo DH in every way. I could tell that BM was not happy at graduation that we already had a relationship with these folks and she didn't. GF's mom was clearly way more friendly with me and did not spend time with BM. Not because she's chosen sides -- I just think she knows me better, she knows BM's husband was rude to GF on several occasions and she has nothing in common with BM.
A couple of months ago, we visited GF's parents (they live in a different state) for the weekend to tailgate and go to a college football game. SS and GF were in town too. We all had a great time. Just before we headed back to our respective states, I invited GF's parents to visit with us for a weekend in the spring. Isn't that the polite thing to do? GF's mom said it sounded great. SS then jumped in and said that it sounded great because then GF's parents could spend a day with us and a day with BM and her husband (BM lives in the next town over from us). GF's mom looked appalled. I changed the subject.
I spoke with my husband about this earlier today as I'm trying to think of fun things for us to do. His feeling is that if GF's parent come visit us, they have to spend time with BM or SS will get a ton of crap from her. Am I the only person that thinks that is batshit crazy? Shouldn't SS have to learn how to deal with his petty mother as an adult? Shouldn't GF's parents have a say in the matter? This is a social visit -- not a family event. What do you all think? Do I need a joint custody agreement for future in-laws?
I thought you were a new
I thought you were a new poster. :?
Awfully hate-filled aren't
Awfully hate-filled aren't you HRcity? Did HRNYC offend your sensibilities in a past life?
If that's true, I give her
If that's true, I give her creepy for having the balls to admit it.
There are people out there who stay in loveless marriage because of money/security.
I couldn't do it, but it works for them, go for it.
Actually the BM is a trust
Actually the BM is a trust fund baby and has never worked a day in her life. My SS is very close with her. She has no idea that we even spent the weekend with GF's family and has nothing to do with any of this. I'm not sure she'd even want joint custody if given the chance. I just know that she's been competitive with us in the past and that she was not happy at the graduation.
I'm curious... what have I
I'm curious... what have I said that makes me sound competitive? I don't think I am but maybe you've seen something in me that I don't. I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate an awkward social situation. That's all.
You are right that this
You are right that this almost sounds like a child custody issue - except the sad part is it's a bunch of adults!
First of all, are they actually going to be "future in laws"? Is the couple actually engaged and have they made plans to marry?
If so, then the GF parents should be making an effort to spend a courteous amount of time to get to know BM/her DH, since she will eventually be daughter's mother in law. Like her or not, a simple lunch or dinner is not beyond reasonable. That's something they should do, and if I were you, I would not want to be an impediment to that.
I think SS has made it clear that he would like his mother to get to know this couple, so that should be respected.
I think you should be gracious and not put up a fuss if the SS/GF decide they want her parents to spend some time with the BM/DH.
I understand that you invited them, and they are technically your guests, but as in all things Skid related - I would be concerned that this may backfire on you big time if it becomes evident you don't want to "share" the future in-laws. It has the potential to upset your SS, his GF, her parents, and your DH.
I do think it would be reasonable that if SS wants to arrange such a visit with his BM, he should give you the courtesy of knowing when they are planning to do so so it does not upset any arrangements you may be making for their visit.
SS and GF live together but
SS and GF live together but are not engaged. But I think we all know that they will get married within the next few years.
I am in no way trying to prevent a relationship between GF's family and BM. But I do believe that relationship is totaly independent of my relationship with GF's family. Some in-laws don't meet until the wedding. Some aren't friends. Everyone makes their own choices about the relationship they want to have with in-laws.
I just think it's crazy to set up an expectation that every time they visit us, there must be equal time spent with BM on that visit. Everytime I call GF's mom, should GF's mom have to call BM?
I agree with your lesson. I
I agree with your lesson. I wasn't planning to invite the kids for our spring weekend. But I don't want it to seem like we are hiding the fact that we are getting together from the kids. So SS will know they are coming here and we'll have to address the issue of PM's pettiness head on.
In your case, are you saying BM tries to invite herself to your activities/events? If yes, that really stinks. BM excludes us from everything and has no interest in joining what we do. She just makes sure that whatever she does is more extravagant. Always a competition.
We too are finally free from the burden of child support, so we no longer live in fear of financial retribution. But DH and skids and even BM's parents seem to live in fear of angering her.
I agree with your idea for the weekend next spring but it'd be awkward for me to suggest that to GF's mom. If she brings up the topic, I'll definitely say something like that.
Wow -- that is horrible! I
Wow -- that is horrible! I would have been so pissed off and resentful if my SS did that. I am always given plenty of advance notice when BM will be around. We try as much as possible to celebrate things separately now that the kids aren't little anymore.
Our BM also cheated on DH with one of his golf buddies. She also "dated" a married man in between her 2nd and 3rd husbands. SS was old enough to realize what was going on but SD was too young. I have admittedly fantasized about airing BM's dirty laundry to the skids when I'm really angry. But I never would. How did your skids react when you first told them?
I totally agree with
I totally agree with everything you said. I think it's more DH I'm having a problem with here. He's the one who thinks BM should have equal time in order to avoid a fight between her and SS. I feel like that's not our concern now that SS is an adult. He needs to learn how to manage his mother -- DH should not be jumping through these hoops to protect him.
It already is. But over the
It already is. But over the years, DH just lets BM have all the holidays and milestones. We get the leftovers. He hates it but that's what he's willing to accept for the sake of "peace". I say it's a high price but they are not my kids.
When I invite anyone to my
When I invite anyone to my home I do not have to plan who else I think they "must" visit. That's up to them. If someone staying in my home wants a few hours to do anything else (tour, museum, other friends) that is not for me to plan.
But I would be major pissed if someone wants to use my home as a hotel while they spend all of their time with others. I am totally okay with someone not spending 100% of their time with me - but I am also not okay with them spending 100% of their time with others while using my home as a free place to camp out.
I totally agree. GF's parents
I totally agree. GF's parents are now in an awkward situation, but they'll have to decide how they want to handle it.
My real problem is with DH thinking this is normal. I'm so glad that I posted this today. Sometimes I start thinking I'm the crazy one.
If I were the girl's parents,
If I were the girl's parents, I would do two things.
A. stay in a hotel so that I'm "free" to visit/socialize with both camps without anyone getting their feet fees hurt.
B. Silently hope the relationship runs its course so that my daughter(and her future children)are stuck dealing with the war/game playing that is going on between the SM and BM.
What is there to handle?
What is there to handle?
The parents could spend time with both camps (if that's what they want to do) Who invited them to town should not matter. They shouldn't have to make two separate trips to the state. SS's desire for them to spend time with both of his parents during one trip (if that's what they want to do)is reasonable.
Who are and why aren't you
Who are and why aren't you woman enough to post under your old name?
I will let in in a little secret. Strangers on anew Internet site do not rattle me. Feel free to post as many insults as you please. You will never hurt me(I'm not one to breakdown and cry because a stranger insulted me) or get the type of reaction you I think you're looking for.
So are you suggesting that I
So are you suggesting that I am playing games or at war? What is it that you think I should do in this situation? Invite GF's parents to stay with us in the spring, spend one day with them and then forcibly send them to BM's house the next day whether they want to or not? How do I make them stay at a hotel when they had us stay at their house? Doesn't that seem like we're inhospitable / not reciprocating / cheap? If they want to get to know BM, why not choose another weekend to visit with her (and not us)? Wouldn't that make a lot more sense?
If I were GF's parents and I knew what I know about BM and SS, I would have taken my daughter and moved to another country.
As we become closer friends,
As we become closer friends, I imagine it'll become more and more difficult to resist the temptation to tell them to grab their daughter and run.
The maybe future ILs may not
The maybe future ILs may not want anything to do with BM. Not your problem.
SS30's GF's mother is besotted with their baby. She claims possession of it, and keeps the child most of every weekend. I have no problem with this. Not sure if BM does or not as it's not my problem.
She is "THE GRANDMOTHER" and no one else better touch that role. Okay - I am happy to back away. Makes it easier for me to not get that involved anyway.
That's exactly the point -- I
That's exactly the point -- I have no idea if future IL's want anything to do with BM. I suspect the don't but maybe that'll change. Nor do I know if BM wants a relationship beyond cordial greetings at family events. So far her behavior suggests she doesn't. That's for them to work out. But the depth of our friendship should have no impact on that. It's not a competition -- we just happen to get along well. Which should be good news, right?
I can't imagine what'll happen when grandbabies come along. You may have dodged a bullet, though. If you don't get along with SS, it might be better not to get too attached to her child. I'm sure grandkids can be used to manipulate the Disney dads in our lives too. I think it'd be hard for me not to have a role in my grandkids lives since I don't have any bio kids. I'll have to figure that out when the time comes!
Fortunately for me DH is not
Fortunately for me DH is not a DisneyDad. He'd evicted SS30 from his home and life for violence before I ever met him.
I have no problem with DH connecting with the grandbaby even if I do not wish to connect. I actually love babies - but I do not feel any attachment to this child over any other babies that my friends have.
It's possible to love a baby, cuddle on it, and wish it well without devoting one's life to that child when it is not one's own.
Great point. Thank you!
Great point. Thank you!
All I can say is... WOW. I
All I can say is... WOW. I thought this site was a place for support not judgment. You don't know anything about me but have decided that I'm selfish and destructive. Really?
In my experience, in-laws generally aren't personal friends who visit with each other in the absence of their kids. Some in-laws hate each other. Some have a relationship and others don't. To say that the kids should break up if we aren't all best friends is absurd.
You can "well imagine" that I've shut out the BM on those drop off and pick up days? Really? She didn't even bother to come -- her choice not ours. She didn't want to make the 3 hour drive. And I am not asking the future IL's to only socialize with me. I'm just asking if every time they visit us, they should be expected to visit her whether they want to or not.
Seriously, if you are indicative of the "support" on this site, I think I'll go elsewhere for it. You should really be ashamed of yourself. That is not what this site is about.
You nailed it. BM needs to
You nailed it. BM needs to either step up and make the GF's parents comfortable in fostering a relationship with her or she needs to STFU and stay out of the way. You and DH have been investing in a relationship with SS's GF's parents and are realizing the results of that effort.
DH needs to stay the hell out of the FIL's and BM's issues and let his son learn how to deal with his toxic womb donor as an adult.
IMHO of course.
Hi everyone, I'm the original
Hi everyone, I'm the original OP. I really want to thank everyone who has responded to this post. Some of you were kind and understanding. Others assumed I'm an evil, manipulative person running my own agenda. Whatever the case, I've learned 2 important things. First, I am never going to resolve my relationship problems by venting them on a website. And second, if I need advice, I should be getting it from a professional who isn't judging my feelings and actions through a lens biased by their own negative personal experiences. Please consider this post closed -- I won't be back. I wish you all the best of luck.
If you like these people
If you like these people enough to seek them out to spend time with, then you should do that. If you are socializing with them only to keep the lines of communication open while you SS dates their daughter, then keep it to that.
What SS wants from them, what BM wants from them, what your DH wants from SS or from BM or from the man on the moon has nothing to do with it.
It is not selfish to do what is right for you. It is selfish to do so without consideration of how it might affect others.
In this situation, how it affects others is a matter of the misplaced boundaries of others. Not of you.
If SS and GF break up, you like this couple enough to keep in touch. Might be awkward, but nothing to do with SS or GF. I've got friends I made via-via, and the via-via are no longer friends of mine. Oh well. Life goes on, people and circumstances change, and some friendships endure.
What? I must have
What? I must have misunderstood something.
Normal social relationships are not a problem. People don't take sides, discuss those not present, or otherwise engage in destroying each other.
NJdevil, I do hope you
NJdevil, I do hope you comeback. You have to wade through a lot of personalities here but you will find nuggets of wisdom and ways to approach things that you hadn't thought of.
DH and I are in what seems like the same dynamic you are in.
SS(25) and his GF have been together for 4 years, we expect a proposal very soon.
Her parents have become friends of ours, we have similar likes and tastes. If SS wasn't dating their daughter I think we'd still be friends, we just clicked.
BM is also very controlling and competitive. She needs things to look grand to the outside world. She isn't friends with GFs parents but does know them.
SS is protective of BM and wants things to be equal and doesn't want BM to feel left out. His GF has a great relationship with BM and so I think that makes up for BM not being friends with her parents.
My DH also doesn't want to rock the boat and see SS pay for things with BM. He always takes a backseat so that BM doesn't get upset and take it out on the skids.
What we've done, subconsciously I think, is to not tell anyone when we get together with the soon to be inlaws.
Just like we don't tell the skids when we go out with other friends we don't announce any get togethers with them. The inlaws to be live in a different city and BM is in yet another town so I think that makes it easier too.
Plus, it's really me and GFs Mom who've formed a friendship. The hubbys like each other but we plan get togethers and they go along.
Let SS/Gf and BM and soon to be inlaws figure out their own dynamic. It will eventually all fall into place.
I think if you are spending
I think if you are spending time with these people because you actually enjoy their company and friendship then I don't see why the skid is trying to dictate their visit with y'all and his mom. I think maybe the girlfriend should clue in the boy that her parents don't 'HAVE' to spend time with his mom if they have other more preferable plans. If he wants to have a get together with BM and them for lunch or brunch that is one thing but I think he is a little immature to think all of these adults want to sit around and hang out on his behalf when these particulate couples don't have anything in common except that their kids are dating one another.