Just another day in the life
It's been a while since my last post but it's still the same old song and dance! My story falls along the same line as yours, StepAside...you may remember my tale. 2 adult skids in their early 30's, I've been married 25 years and lost my father last November. Seems that things are not changing for me. My SD is pregnant with her first child and due this summer. Apparently I have a "problem" with her and honestly am over any problem I ever had with her. Life is too short to continue the blame game...my BD and I attended SD's baby shower a couple of weeks ago and everything went fabulous. I was shocked as was my BD that SD was so sweet and bubbly. She was very talkative and I was sure that maybe she had made the turn to accept that we can get along and to let go of any anamosity she was harboring for WHATEVER reason. I was so flabbergasted that I told DH that I would like to invite SD to lunch and maybe, just maybe we could start a friendly relationship anew.....NAH...who was I fooling?! To start with, DH feels it necessary to go outside when he calls her to chat. That should've been my first clue. Then after their chat, he tells me that she told him, out of the blue, (he couldn't remember the conversation leading up to her comment) that I still "have a problem" with her. He then relayed that I had made mention of she and I getting together for lunch and that this week would be great for me!!!!! That maybe we could work out our differences! DEAR GOD!! You can probably guess how that went over with me. I felt very defensive...I guess I had assumed wrong when I thought her kindness seemed genuine at the shower but to no avail, "I" still have a problem. Honestly, I am so fed up with them all that I am about to scream and then drive away. There are many facets to this family and it's issues...yet somehow it all seems to fall on me. I am not a vicious person and I have a loving, forgiving heart. I guess I was hoping that she did too. Anyway, I told DH that I will NOT meet her for lunch now, I don't feel like being attacked and made to feel as if everything that has happened in her life is my fault. I am done apologizing, for the mere fact, I have nothing to apologize for! I have reacted to things in my life like any one else would...everyone has their shortcomings and I have faced mine yet that is not good enough. I simply sat down this morning and sent SD an email telling her that I love her and any water under the bridge in this family is in the past. That we have all made our mistakes and reacted sometimes in a way that reflected our hurt. I told her "as for me, I have chosen to let go of any hurts that I allowed to affect my life and the way I live my life". I told her I didn't think pointing out specifics to each other would be productive in the healing process. (Reason being, she will NOT admit any wrongdoing on her part and it will end up being about all of my failures.) I proceeded to tell her that I can only speak for myself and that everyone needs to decide for themselves how they let the past dictate the future. Losing my father recently has made me realize even more how short life is and I will no longer waste it sitting around worrying and wringing my hands as to how "I" can fix what is ailing ANYONE in this family but me. I have learned that sometimes no matter how hard we try or how much we want change, each of us has to do the changing for ourselves....Sad as it may be and as much as I hate it, DH has tried to have a relationship with both of his kids and it is pretty much one sided. He has been a good father and there for them to pay for college, weddings and anything else they needed. He has called, left phone messages and made many gestures to have a relationship with them both and he always comes up empty handed. I think his hopes were that I could fix all of this by having lunch with his daughter. The problems go much, much deeper than this and I cannot make things better for any of them. It breaks my heart to see him hurt but I can no longer be concerned with it, I have beaten my head against a brick wall for too many years.... Simply, it is just to hard to care anymore. Thanks for listening!
Sometimes I think the younger
Sometimes I think the younger skids are easier than the adult ones!
Especially the SD's and their daddy. I gave up 2 years ago and of course, I am and always will be the bad guy. Oh well...life goes on. I guess I just have to stick with that saying, "you can't please everyone."
I thought things would get
I thought things would get easier too, Smonster! After being together for 26 years and not having to deal with a psycho ex on a daily basis, I was dillusional and believed that everything would be wonderful.....boy was I wrong...for all that we lost with the ex when they grew up, SD has replaced with her "you did me wrong and you're going to pay, one way or another" attitude. I feel that she will continue to try to drive the wedge in deeper between me and DH, that is precisely why I have chosen to extend a loving hand and assume SOME of the responsibility and then let it go. Sadly, her non-responsive actions tells me she can't do the same..so, whatever, she can continue being miserable because I am DONE!! And it feels great to be rid of those feelings and worries.
Do you think that it is DH
Do you think that it is DH who is causing the problems between the 2 of you?
I think DH is clueless, quite
I think DH is clueless, quite honestly. I think that he wants us all to just be one big happy family and is dillusional thinking that if I keep trying she will come around. I think it's hard for him to think that "his" daughter can be malicious, that everything she does that looks crappy, isn't intentional. I, on the other hand, feel that she is in full control of her actions and that when she does or says something hurtful, it is intended to be. Example being, when my Dad passed away recently, I received NO phone call from her nor a condolence card, not even a "I'm sorry for your loss" came out of her selfish mouth. I personally think, not that she was happy about it, but I think it didn't bother her at all that I was hurting because she wants me hurt. (My Dad had been a bachelor for 42 years and was at all of our family functions and was always kind to both Skids). My DH doesn't have the courage to confront either SK about the way they treat him or myself. I think he is afraid that what relationship they do have would be null and void if he were to address them, therefore, he is hoping that I can fix things.
I have to agree Smonster! I
I have to agree Smonster! I think it would have been much easier to deal with younger skids instead of adult ones. My SD is a piece of work. However, thankfully, daddy saw her in her true colors a few weeks ago and didn't like what he saw. He told me that he felt it brought us closer together and that her behavior "will come back and bite her in the b**t, because she can't go through life like that" This is after 6 years of me trying to tell him that she isn't the sweet little innocent that she pretends to be. He has always defended her to the last until this happened. By the way - she is 28. It is a long story as to what happened but I am certainly glad that he has finally seen the light! Or rather the not-light - I actually told him on more than one occasion that he thinks the light shines out of his daughter's backside and that he is so blinded by the light that he thinks he sees, he can't see how full of s**t she is!! Now he does!