When I met SO(44) I had mentioned that I was ready to become a SMBC . I was 38 and I didn’t want to push him to my timeline.

SO has 2 children SD18 and SS16. When I met him he had moved alone as SD then 16 was living with her bf 16 and his parents and SS was living with maternal grandparents. SS had refused to move with him or BM as he didn’t want to leave his friends. 

The relationship was going well and he mentioned he wanted me to consider him as a partner over getting an unknown donor so we could both have a family. I was also in the process of applying to be a single foster carer and he even attended mandatory training with me. I would still be a single applicant since he didn’t live with me and SD who had dropped out of school by then was probably moving in with him to finish school. I was then told SD had decided she wasn’t moving since she had gotten back with her bf so we started making plans to live together. He was going to give up his lease and move into my place that I own . We opened joint accounts so we could save up together and buy a house together and share living expenses. We talked about him selling one of his cars because he wanted to contribute to IVF if needed. I was already seeing a specialist and he had started getting tests done too. The specialist had advised after my laparoscopy we could try natural conception but due to my age be prepared for IVF , so the paperwork and preparation needed to be done in parallel.

We had had an incident with SD when he had mentioned us fostering, she had said she didn’t want to be replaced and was worried about him spending money on these foster children instead of them. This didn’t sit well with me I mentioned to him she was almost 18 and should be more concerned with getting her life on track or getting a job than other people’s money . After all I had more to lose financially . He said he was shocked at what she said but clearly didn’t say it to her .

SO said he had been talking to his kids so they don’t feel left out mainly SD given some mental health issues she has. I raised my concerns about him seeking approval and telling our plans to his children and he said it was more him keeping them updated . The 2 of them have always been close. 

Just a week after we started making plans to move in together turns out SD posts on FB that she is moving to live with her dad to get her “dream job” . His cousins asked SO at dinner and he said he hadn’t seen the post. I said nothing at the dinner but later and he said it was the first he heard of it too and when he spoke to her he told me that SD had been told she could do her traineeship in different places and wanted to do it where we lived. 

I was disappointed but understood that she deserved a chance since she had no more prospects after dropping out of school and living in a small town . Her only choice was to get pregnant it seemed . Apparently SD had told SO that she didn’t want to intrude since we had “plans” and he was believing her. I wasn’t buying it but what could I say. 

Other than this conversation a week later he informs me him and SD have made a plan . She will move in , apply for child care traineeship and since he still has his place he will help her settle and she will move out on her own then we would continue with our original plans . He went and got SD and moved back to his place . I hardly saw him as he needed to go back home every night to make sure SD was fed, he cleaned the house and still went to work. 

Reluctantly after avoiding her I went to take SD out one day to spend an afternoon with her and she informed me she was going to do only Fans OF and had informed her dad and he was okay with it. She said she had never intended to look for work and was already being paid on other platforms that didn’t require age verification. She said she had a page on Insta that her dad didn’t know about that she advertised her OF on. She was just waiting to turn 18 which was a few weeks away to post and start making more money. I was gobsmacked. SO had been telling me she was using public transport to get around and get to know the city and was starting to do things by herself and when I asked her she said she wasn’t doing that or applying for jobs as she wasn’t interested. So everything had been a lie . 

I spoke to him and he said she had told him about OF but he didn’t approve he was just shocked so he hadn’t said much to her about it. He said she had told him she had only been pretending to look for work to shut him up. I didn’t tell him about the Insta page as I felt he had enough information anyway to act if he didn’t disapprove. He said that maybe she would be successful on OF which I thought was strange. I pointed out she was young and and also if she wanted to work in child care she was screwing that up .

The next I spoke to SO about it he said he had spoken to her that she was making a wrong choice. She then applied for a childcare job got one and started it and he was really proud of her for dropping the OF idea. SO was dropping her off at work everyday and picking her up rather than her taking public transport meaning very night he went back to his house.

I knew something wasn’t right ( given she hadn’t been open about her secret Insta account to him) and I kept raising it to SO that I felt I was being played and he said I was paranoid and I couldn’t see the progress because I was out of sight . He said he had everything under control and that I shouldn’t worry about it as he was dealing with it. 

He had mentioned she had thousands in her account and when I asked if that wasn’t strange to him he said he couldn’t ask her where where the money had came from. She  now had a new bf so she was motivated to move and I wasn’t seeing it. We had an 18th birthday dinner where she brought her new bf and before SO arrived she had been telling me and her aunts that she didn’t enjoy the childcare job and wasn’t going to keep doing it .

At the time of the birthday dinner I had asked for a break as I was finding myself feeling sick that I was being played by the both of them . I knew there was no way she was going to stay in the childcare job and I was sitting alone at my place expected to keep things going . Like I was being parked in the corner and taking a backseat in the ride of my life . I told him moving in after a month wasn’t possible as I wasn’t confident in the relationship and we needed to reevaluate. To be fair I had lost all confidence in him . 

We kept the relationship going even though the connection was fading and I just never asked about her the few times I saw him. 2 weeks later he was at my place and  I asked him how SD was going and he said she is moving out. I asked why and he said that he had received a call from her boss who was concerned she wasn’t showing up for work for weeks. He had been dropping her off in the morning around the corner and she had been sneaking back home , then in the after get back on public transport and wait on the corner for him to pick her up. He said he was sad and angry and given how it was I kept my mouth shut and decided I couldn’t kick a man when he was down and say I told you so. 

I went to spend time with my family and mentioned to SO that I hoped he knew we were going to have to speak about what had happened. While I was away SD had moved from his place and I asked him if he had spoken about how she would support herself. She finally confirmed that she was already earning on OF and was going to be fine paying her way. I got back and asked when he wanted to speak to me about what had happened and he said soon. It seemed he was avoiding talking and I felt that maybe related to shame over his daughter doing OF. For 2 weeks we continued on and we became more distant . When he finally decided he was ready to talk I was so angry I told him that they had both wasted my time pandering to her lies. 

We had put our plans on hold over a lie that he didn’t want to acknowledge. We had been advised by the fertility specialist to register for ivf but hadn’t even done that. That he had been ignoring an important conversation was not sitting well with me as I thought he was more concerned with throwing himself a pity party. Anytime I brought up the my concerns all he said was he didn’t know all the details like I did, I reminded him that he had enough information but he had chosen to believe his daughter’s lies instead. Even that she was doing OF which he knew was enough information . 

In the end I told him if he wasnt willing to discuss what had transpired I had to protect myself from both of them so I had to distance myself from him. I asked him if he wanted to work on the relationship and prioritise us first . and he said that he felt that we couldn’t go on. 

He felt that he “ had “ been prioritising the relationship and it was me who couldn’t see it. He even suggested that if hypothetically SS ‘s maternal grandparents died and we were in the middle of ivf he would not be able to be there fully for me . So he felt I had better chance of success without him. 

I guess I’m sad he decided to matyr himself just so we don’t discuss what had happened or what it meant for us going forward. To be fair I didn’t hate his daughter, I was glad he had discovered her deceit by himself without me saying anything . What I couldn’t accept was that we were meant to sweep this under the carpet and pretend it did t happen . 

A few weeks after he left I called him foolishly still trying to get closure and he said he had hoped we would just move on from this , never speak of it  and get back to our plans . He thought I would say I told you so and that’s all. I said how would we do that it’s not as if your daughter would be out of our life for good. He then proceeded to shout at me over the phone and tell me that I wasn’t a good partner or smart. He then said why didn’t I start the conversation to which I said it was his daughter so I felt it was him to bring it up.

I feel sad because he is such a wonderful man and outside of the issue with SD we get along. But I was exhausted and felt so alone. All talk and no action. He was happy to assure me and fight for me when he was convinced I was crazy , but when his princess disrespects our relationship then it’s never mentioned and not worth reassessing and prioritising our relationship. I miss him but somehow I know nothing would have changed , he is a guilty dad. I am going to continue as a SMBC