DH is gonna do what he is already doing, enabling his adult kids. That is if you have seperate finances?

If I were you keep finances seperate. To be honest here usually these over indulging men do not change. You will be considered the B . You will always have arguments.

If your finances are joint , separate them. Speak up. I dont think much will alter other than you and DH will be arguing. 

You have every right to be upset this is enabling and totally ridiculous.  The fact that he continued communication with BM while she was screaming at him shows he just sucks it up. Gotta please BM and skids. Pleasing you, not so much. You are second.

Now of course you could have a civil conversation about needing money for retirement and you cant be giving away the farm. You could also both go  see a financial advisor. HOWEVER  If your DH is so guilty daddioesque then your breath is wasted. He wont be open to this.

Is your DH defensive when you bring this up? Does he downplay what he does? Does he keep financial secrets from you? If yes to any of this, then your marriage will be rocky, you wont have peace.

It sucks when you get married and you think you are partners, but in reality his devotion to the skids well being always comes before you. 

Blessings

The BM is far away and he"s said no to her ridiculous requests.  I agree that some of the skids need to mature and DH probably is a Guilty Dad.  Has the SD run up bills on that charge? Do you see the charge?  I agree his name needs to be removed but if she's paying on time, its not currently an issue.  I wouldn't let this be your hill to die on (yet).  As far as the $899, in my head, I'd write it off but if DH ever mentions "loanng" again, I'd definitely bring it up.

I guess what I'm saying is, dont let these issues cause a big rift between you and DH.  You're communicating, you're aware of the issues.  You dont want him to get defensive or secretive.  A lot depends on your financial position, like can he afford this?  Do you have your retirement funded?  Do you both work?  Is the $ coming from joint funds or his?  Every situation is different.  So, its one thing if you guys are at poverty level and he's doing this vs a situation where you are comfortable financially which I'm guessing is the case.

We have a similar situation here where DH85 has been overly generous to "poor, sick, victimized"  (lying, thieving manipulative) SD60.  I get where you are coming from, its maddening. I think what irritates me the most is that I, my kids and most of his kids hold themsrlves to higher standatds and don't mooch off other people, they don't steal, lie or manipulate.  He doesn't tolerate it from anybody else and I hate seeing him put up with it from her.  We separated finances over this issue and I notice he's less generous now that it's all coming from his $.

We also paid SS's cell phone bill and car insurance for far too long. DH was a guilty dad so didn't really push the issue with SS until it became more uncomfortable for DH to live with me than to force SS to take on his adult responsibilities.

For a long time I considered the expense as something that I could do for DH--his son had some tough years and DH was trying to ease his way. But it seemed there was no end in sight. So I put pressure on DH to stop the bleed. He didn't like it, but knew it was the right thing to do.

To SS's credit, he hasn't asked for financial help in several years.

Yes, get the finances separated. Id also be nervous that SD is so resistant to remving DH's name from the card, and shes been asking for loans - so I can see that shes probably not doing it on purpose.

wether the first one, second, serially subsequent, or last... is .... equity.  That does not mean both bring or contribute equally to the marital finances, it means that they are equity life partners in all things... including marital finances.  

A pre-nup.. fine.  But, on the day of the nuptials other than 401Ks and IRAs, it allgoes in joint accounts.  From that moment on..... any spend beyone basic daily household/marital bills are joint decisions.  Both paties have full veto rights and there is no over-riding either party's veto. Compromise, discussion, and agreement is the path forward in changing a veto.

This was the model my XW and I followed until the day she told me she wanted a divorce and proposed a settlement that I immediately accepted. "You can have it all other than I want the CD I cashed out when we put a down payment on the house."  I agreed, we shook on it, I immediatley emptied all of the accounts, had the bank cut her a cashiers check for the CD amount and off we went. She did try to back out at a later date but.... I brought the notarized copies of every college paper she turned in for the 3 years she was in nursing school... both the rough drafts in my handwrighting and the final graded papers, notarized copies of her diary pages of all of her swinging Johnson lunch time love fests at various hotels for the entire duration of our married, and a notarized copy of the gift letter given to us by her parents upon her BSRN graduation giving us the remainder of her college education money.  I kept the originals.  She shit a brick when I told her she either honored the orignial agreement she proposed or everything would become public record for her family to enjoy and everything would go on the table for the Judge to divide.  She stuck with the original agreement.

In my ongoing marriage, DW and I put it all in the marital funds category and beyond the usual we discuss all expenditures. This makes surprises a challenge but all that takes is a "Don't look at the XYZ card statement please."  Once the surprise is sprung, then we get back to our usual balance.  If it is a Skid expenditure, we discuss it before hand.

Honoring ones spouse is pretty much a given when the finances are blended in equity life partnerships.

IMHO of course.

I feel for you I really do.  I am in a similar situation with one of my SS and his father (my husband).  SS is 20 barely passed high school went to college only to find out afyer dropping 3 months rent (SS mom suddenly backed out and we got the bill) that SS wasnt even attending classes,  So we basically paid 3 months of apartment rent and groceries for him to play video games! DH didnt seem upset at all because its his kid, if it were mine? OH LORD id never hear the end of it. He dropped out march 2022 and started working in April/May. Didnt last long hasnt worked since (accept to help us with our business 1-2 days a week, if his video gaming times work around the times we need him).  Husband gets defensive whenever I try and address what I thought was agreed upon issues regarding SS. I have 2 bio kids that are 19 & 22 in school and working.  The rules are for all 3 kids ... so I thought.  My husband is an enabler and throws anything my kids have or hasnt done in my face anytime I address things with his son.  IT'S tiring and so FRUSTRATING!!!   I think the advice someone mentioned about separate accounts is a need for survival as well as a place like this to vent.  Wishing you the best of luck!