Moving away to uni
My SD is moving to uni next month and will be moving away into halls. I asked to go along with her dad and her mum and my partner said it's fine but we may need to look at transport issues as SD wanted to go in his van with her stuff and then take her mum too who doesn't drive and her partner wasn't coming.
when we mentioned the moving date last night I asked the younger SD if she wanted to come and she didn't want to. The SD going said she wouldn't be able to as there'd be no room in the van. I then said that I was going anyway so either I could drive as well or if nobody else wanted to go, I'd get a single ticket train journey, meet them there, help out with unpacking, food shop and then go back in the van. She seemed fine at first then she was a bit short with us both that evening, said she was going to her nans and then hardly spoke to us when she got back. Today she tex her dad saying she didn't want me to go and just wanted it to be her, her mum and her dad. I now feel a bit pushed out and don't really know what to do/suggest. His view was that it'd blow over and just let it settle until nearer the time. I don't want to tread on anyone's feet but likewise she's been a massive part of my life for the last 8years and I would also feel a bit left out.
TBH,
TBH,
The more appropriate thing is for her mother to take the train to see her daughter off independently of your husband providing the transport for all the belongings.
I can see how the daughter would want to avoid the awkwardness of you and her mom stuck so close together..
And.. in the end.. it is her mom.. and that's who she wants most there.. along with dad.. I think she might be ok if you were there.. but maybe not all "present" during the times when her mom was around.
Her mom needing the ride is complicating things.. obviously.. because other wise you and your DH and her mom could be going separately.. you and he could get your own room.. and only see the ex in passing.
Yes I see how SD might worry
Yes I see how SD might worry about awkwardness but we have both been in the same rooms for prom nights, we all had time with the family dog when she sadly had to be put to sleep and then had the trauma of DH's dads funeral arrangements when we were sharing a hearse etc.
I never even saw it as the ex should be the one to go on train. I would even offer to drive her and her partner up if they wanted that but I haven't got to that point (long story short, her now partner is the reason their marriage ended!)
we wouldn't be stopping over though, we would make sure SD was settled and the plan was always to let her mingle wit new roommates and go.
Thanks for replying, it is an awkward one and I don't know if there's a room but or wrong thing to do.
Um, go. And ride in the van
Um, go. And ride in the van with DH and SD. BM can take the train there, and back.
Stop being conciliatory towards the failed family unit that no longer exists as a family.
Do not let it blow over, do not lett DH sweep it under the carpet and fester until the last minute. Stipulate what will happen. If SD takes exception to the stipulated format of her move, she can ride on the train with mommy and you and DH can make it a fun couples trip staying in nice B&Bs and eating at foodie restaurants. Once BM gets back on the train, you and daddy take SD to a nice dinner.
Make sure to bill BM for half of the gas costs to move SD's things to the dorm on campus. Round trip of course.
I would.
Agree with Rags!
I'm in agreeance with Rags. You don't need anyone's permission to be there as long as your DH is OK with you being there. Also, like ESMOD said, why isn't mum taking the train if she can't drive? Why does SD get a call as to who goes in the van with her? It isn't her van. And it is so kind of you to even offer to drive on your own or take the train. Her mum should be the one doing that as it is DH's van. You are now DH's partner and not her mum, so you get first shot at it, and not her. This is the start of all hells breaking loose, if DH allows this then it will always be the case. She will always cut you out of anything and everything. Up to you & DH, but I wouldn't be doing what she wants you guys to do.
Update
As an update, I've just said to him that I'm actually quite hurt by the fact she only wants her biological parents there, especially as I'd already bought train ticket (I know, presumptuous of me!) and the fact I'd already sorted out boxes for moving, lending her my suitcase not to mention the fact that I've done a lot of the co-parenting stuff like looking after them when they were younger, taking them places, driving her to places. And yet the BM's partner does nothing, (he was ill last year but is fine now and before that, he did nothing for them!)
my partner just thinks I' don't like being left out and he said she didn't want a big fuss made of the day, that's why she only wants them two to take her. My response was 'well then tell her mum to stay at home and wave her off then!' He said he had to respect his s daughters wishes so I've just walked out now to cool off whilst he goes and takes younger one to enrol at college (no, the BM hasn't gone as she's at work!)
I didn't think I'd be upset as much as I am by it so it's shocked me. I wonder if there are any BM's out there who agree with what others have said on here or if they would side with the daughter?
I would give him an ultimatum
I would give him an ultimatum on this.
Either you go with him or he does not get to give BM a ride.. he can drive alone.. BM can take a train.
You aren't going to support him driving BM if you are being excluded.. he can choose.
Who gives a shit about the BM
Who gives a shit about the BM. She is the X. She may be the SD's BM, but... she has zero standing on your side of the blended family equation. Your DH is delusion and for some reason still sniffing his X's ass and is sniffing their failed family progeny's ass as well.
He needs to man up and gain clarity that you and he are equity life partners and he needs to stop minimizing their shit and his ass sniffing as if those are reasonable things for them and him to doo.
smh
Thank you go your comments. I
Thank you go your comments. I actually posted on here thinking I was being unreasonable as I had posted the exact same stuff on Mumsnet and I've had a completely different view saying I was being unreasonable and I needed to suck it up and accept that SD just wants BM and BD there.
so it's good to see there are differing views. I was thinking of actually messaging SD to say sorry to hear she didn't want me there, I wasn't there to make a fuss, I'd be there to support her dad who wanted me there, plus I'd already bought the train ticket before her feelings were known.
I'm convinced mumsnet and
I'm convinced mumsnet and Reddit are mostly full of adult and teen stepkids and/or people who are only BMs. Not many people who haven't been a stepparent could possibly understand. They will defend their point of view, that of the skid or BM. You have to defend yourself. Yep, you. You matter too!!
Many kick off their STalk
Many kick off their STalk engagement from the same perspective you did. Thinking that you are being unreasonable. Far more often than not, it is not the SParent who is being unreasonable. Trust yourself. Do not second guess what you are confident about.
As for Mumsnet, sounds like a Golden Uterous breeders mutual admiration community. Remember, those types think that a basic biological function makes them special. They do not recognize that special is earned by far more than that and requires regular reliable outstanding behavior and performance. Anyone ascribing some golden crown status to somehting that more than half of the humans to have ever existed are likely far from special. This also applies to the keepers of the golden staff of fertility on the male side of the equation. Special is earned. It is not granted.
It is not unreasonable for a married couple to be together, ride together, etc... An X has no place in the more fresh marriage. The X is an X for a reason and has no place in the life, family, and future of their own X. Even when there is a failed family with COD progeny in the mix.
Trust you.
Welcome, and I hope this will be a safe place for you to vent, contibute, and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.