You are here

My husband spends most days at his adult single Sons house

Janurday's picture

Hello I’m new here. My husband and I have been married for 6 years.  My problem is that both my husband and his 30-year-old son don’t have to work so my husband spends every weekday right after me and the girls leave for work and school and right before we get home at his sons house. In the summer even when the girls are home all day he leaves them to go over to his Sons house.  He also thinks it’s just fine if he spends Sunday there also.  Not all day just 3-5 Hours in the middle of the day or the evening. My issue with all of this is that I work all day and come home and do all of the mom and wife things before getting to sit down for an hour or so before bed. So the only quality time I have to spend with my husband is on the weekends. And he would prefer to spend them with his son. His son is more than welcome to spend as much time as he wants at our home but he does not want to Do that. Even though my husband has a large den with a large screen TV and a pool table.  Obviously his son doesn’t like coming to our home and having to share his father with his other family. It seems to me that my husband is splitting his life  between two families.   And the other family is getting all of the quality time. Once he suggested that perhaps he should sleep a night or two a week at his sons house because his son was feeling down! I don’t want to have to share my husband with another family. His son has never blended with our family for whatever reason and my husband has not encouraged it either. I feel I have tried everything to solve this problem.   His son also keeps a Calendar and marks off the weekends that I allow his dad to come over.   My husband and son think I am terrible I want the weekend at our house.  I guess the bottom line is that my feelings are constantly hurt that my husband obviously loves his son more than he loves me and my daughters if that’s even a thing but I always thought that the Wife should come first. It’s not like that I don’t want them to be together I just want him to be together at our house  as one family. There is not enough space here to go into all of the issues and resentment that this is causing me but I am ready to call it quits over this any advice? 

ndc's picture

Could you elaborate on the "my husband and his 30 year old son don't need to work" part ? Are they independently wealthy?  

I find it troubling that your husband doesn't work but he spends his days playing with his son rather than picking up some of the household load while YOU are at work.  I can't even get past that to think about what happens on weekends.

Janurday's picture

Yes his son is independently wealthy.  However my husband is not. Yes I am the sole support of the household. When my children were younger my husband had to go through a pacemaker, and a hip replacement plus he is completely deaf in one ear. So it was just easier for him be a stay at home.  Now that he is well and healthy and the girls are about grown yes I feel really resentful that he hasn’t gone out and gotten the job. I just about want to scream every time I see him or hear of him at his sons house because it is so upsetting to me.Over the last couple of years I’ve received several promotions at work and my job has become much more stressful. So to come home And be so tired that I fall asleep at 8:30 because I get up at five and my husband doesn’t go to bed till after 1130 or so it’s very unfair. But it is how I start every weekday and when is it full as I stagger out of bed. My husband has a wonderful life of the leisure  He believes I have no right to tell him where and what he should do with his time.  He actually uses my job Against me. It’s poor me I don’t have a job so you think you’re better than me blah blah blah

twoviewpoints's picture

If I were a 63yr old SF and had two teenage female stepkids living in my home, I might think about hiding out at my own adult son's place some too. 

 

fourbrats's picture

for those of us with teenager girls in general lol? I might have to try it out. My teenagers are driving me insane and I have an adult son with his own place.....

Britmum's picture

It sounds like he is taking you for granted so just stop doing things for him like washing etc. He can take it all to his sons house and do it there, then on the weekend take your girls and do some quality girls stuff. See how long it takes him to see what he is missing 

ldvilen's picture

“A successful marriage will encourage each partner within to grow and to become a better person both within the relationship and out of the relationship. A healthy and successful marriage will be a relationship that makes each partner feel nurtured, like it’s the one place in the world that feels the safest.”

Problem is:  Your DH is married to his son.

sandye21's picture

I agree on the counseling - and that this is a marital problem.  Many times the problem is not so much the skids as it is the partner.  There is something definitely missing in your marriage, and it appears you are being used.  If he is feeling better physically there is no reason why he cannot be working and contributing to the household.  He should be doing more of the household duties too.  It doesn't sound as if he really wants to be married as much as he wants to be taken care of.  Let his son take care of him and you hire a good maid.

Janurday's picture

He does do a fair share of the household duties that is not an issue.  We also have a housekeeper.  I do feel used.  He does not eat meals with me or come to bed with me.  It seems pretty clear our marriage it over.  He is the one who,has requested marriage counseling because he is 100% sure what he is doing is normal.

Janurday's picture

I forgot to mention that he turned his portion of his monthly trust income to be given to his son shortly after we were married.  So he gets nothing.  I cover every single bit of his support.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Do you even want to be married to this man? What does he bring to your relationship? Why has he asked for marriage counseling?

There is nothing normal or healthy about this. Your H is enmeshed with his adult son. They have an unhealthy dependency on  each other, and have for many years. This is a very difficult dynamic to change. Read up on emotional incest and enmeshment, and you'll see just how difficult. Check out the posts of a member named Enuf and see what she suffered with her sicko H and his twisted relationship with his adult son.

IMO, you're up against emotional incest in an older man who's likely not capable of change, and it doesn't sound like there's much to salvage. He's a financial drain to you, not an equal partner. Unfortunately, since you've been supporting his lazy butt you may be looking at paying alimony if you divorce. Please hurry and consult with a good divorce attorney. 

Janurday's picture

I have read through Enuf posts And it is always so familiar. Almost exactly the same. I feel humiliation to even though I read I shouldn’t.  I did walk into this marriage six years ago with so much hope.  I was blindsided on my husband’s relationship with his adult son.  It never occurred to me that this kind of a relationship was a possibility. I wish there was something I had known and I sure wish that I had gotten out a lot sooner. It’s been a week since I asked him to leave. I am still having a lot of anxiety and fear But I hope this  will pass.  I started this post because when I woke up this morning I was still unsure that this wasn’t all my fault. Perhaps I was wrong to think that it wasn’t normal for him to have this odd relationship.  After all for the last 6 years my husband has just been telling me that there something wrong with me for not thinking that he should be able to spend as much time as he wanted with his son and that I was just jealous and didn’t know how to be a proper parent.  But I guess he had a lot of extra spare time to come up with all sorts excuses while I was at work. This evening I feel a lot stronger in my conviction that his behavior wouldn’t be making me feel so darn bad if there wasn’t something real darn wrong. I am done convincing myself that I can continue to live like this.

SteppedOut's picture

Your husband has been gaslighting you to believe you are wrong. If you are unfamiliar with the term, please look it up. Very effective form of manipulation. 

sammigirl's picture

Dido....this was exactly our situation with DH and SD58 three years ago.  I had a career (now retired), doing everything, because my DH was partially disabled, and also carrying health insurance.  He spent every day at SD's house, 1 block up the street.  I would come home to him having a highball and sarcasms.

Keep in mind, my DH is now totally disabled, in a wheelchair, and I am caring for him 24/7's.  Stepkids do not help or even ask how he is doing, only maybe twice a year, just to say they did check in. 

Five years ago, SD58 finally had a melt down and emailed me all the betrayal that had been going on, after I retired and DH was spending more time at home with me, which SD hated.  When I discovered the betrayal, there were lots of red flags I had ignored, I kicked DH to SD's house.  He didn't like living out of his comfortable home.  

We have worked it out.  Bottom line:  I calmly confronted DH and told him I was moving back to my home State, to be near my elderly Father and friends and family.  We had been married 36 years and lived near SD for most of those years.  I decided to break away and disengage from her and move forward.  When I told DH I was moving, it involved $$$$ from him of course.  That hurt him to the core ($$$$).  His choices; he was welcome to stay in our home, 1 block from SD, or join me 150 miles with my move.  I informed DH I planned to purchase a home and get away from the entire situation.  

We are doing well.  DH moved with me, we sold our home, bought a nice home and I love living near my family and friends; we also live near DH's grown grandchildren and great-grandchildren; Skids visit at will.  Since our move, my Father has passed and I am happy to know that I spent the last two years of his life caring for him.  I do not regret moving forward, with or without my DH. 

I totally wrapped my mind around getting away from the situation that was making me miserable.  I am not telling you to do this, but sometimes you have to make decisions that will benefit your health and your children's lives. 

Good luck.  It is not easy to make such a major change.  But ask yourself, can you live like you are living????  Develop your own life, no matter what it takes.

Hugs

Harry's picture

Your DH spends more time and money on his DS then you. Looks like he just comes home for sex or his son handles that also ?  Time to throw him out.  Mostly likely you will not even notice him gone 

TwoOfUs's picture

Glad to read you've kicked him to his son's house. When his son has to start paying Daddddyyyy's bills like you've been doing, their relationship may not be so rosy anymore. 

Stay strong. This man is using you and he needs to stop and start prioritizing the marriage or he needs to be shown the door. 

shamds's picture

marital assets/income/dividends solely to ss, as an evasive manoeuvre to limit the wife from claiming anything in divorce that this is in a way like fraud

in high profile divorces with rich people, you often have the richer spouse hiding assets in off shore bank accounts, property bought under a shell corporation, or bought for a mistress but still are considered marital assets which the other spouse is able to claim 50% of if there is no prenup.

now in this case surely a court can reverse the decision of the spouse to direct his trust money to ss and have wife fund 100% of everything as being some sort of fraud... if a judge sees this as fraud, it can certainly be overturned

heck when people go bankrupt, trustees check whatever assets you disposed of in the years prior and after filing and completing the bankruptcy term and if you inherited money, assets, property that you transferred into someones name to make it like you were poor, trustee has the rights to take control of your share and you or someone can buy them out.

definitely look into this op

my husband is quite wealthy and already has a retirement find of 1.3 million and savings of seberal hundred thousand that he’s diversified. About a year plus into marrying him, he opened a saving acct in my name but we had a daughter together at that point. He gives me money monthly for personal savings and to buy any essentials for home since i’m the sahm and if we go on holiday or yearly trip to my country well that we buy on hubbys credit card. This is what a proper marriage should be.

if op husband has intentionally been diverting funds and whats deemed marital assets elsewhere so in event if a divorce he can claim he’s penniless, he has clby nature been misleading and committing some sort of fraud against you

A judge may very well seek copies of bank transfers and statements  and deem you as wife are entitled to 50% since you married and add on all the hospital bills that hubby was capable of paying and order he pay you this or not sure if the trust funds can be garnished or forced to be diverted to you in a lump sum settlement 

still learning's picture

Was DH a widower?  Is that why he's overcompensating so much in his son's life?  

From my quick "Can this marriage be saved" viewpoint, I would say NO.  

It seems like DH found a strong hard working woman to take care of him and in turn transferred all of his wealth to his son and expected OP to pick up the slack.  When OP questions the arrangement she is gaslighted.  DH has a pretty good set up; a woman who will pay for and put up with whatever he tells her to.  

You said you sent him to live with his son, Good! That's where he belongs, in their little enmeshed love nest.  I would start divorce proceedings ASAP and get him served, it should be easy since you know exactly where he'll be.  

Sorry you got suckered OP. Learn from this and move on.  Remember that you have impressionable young women watching model how their relationship with men should be.  Teach them to be strong and take no crap!  

Janurday's picture

Thank you for reminding me of my responsibility to my girls.  I am a strong successful business women and I want them to be like me in that sense but to not let men take advantage in their private lives like I have.  Good point.

disrestep's picture

Your expectations are definitely not unreasonable. Your DH's son needs some serious counseling, as he is way too needy and dependent on his bio father to the point where it is unacceptable. SS also keeps a calendar and marks the days his bio parent sees him - that is sick, twisted and weird. 

Sounds like you are and have been supporting your DH. Well, if he cannot be there to support you and the rest of your family he married into, then I'd stop supporting him now. 

This man is not a husband, he is married to his son. 

I'd kick him out, which sounds like you did already, change the locks and hire an attorney to help get you out of this mess. Let your DH and his twisted aldult son be together. 

Sorry you have to go through all this.

still learning's picture

The calendar thing almost sounds like he's sharing custody with OP, that is beyond weird.  

Janurday's picture

I asked him to leave When I learned about The calendar thing it blew my mind.  But wait there is more...I also learned that my husband and son call Saturday’s “Janurdays” a play on my name and a weekend day!!!  Daddy is not allowed out to play because of his mean old step Mom.  Let’s call it Janurday!!!!!  Every time I think about this new craziness I am able to go one more day with his phone blocked.

still learning's picture

It just gets more and more twisted.  That's gotta be crazy making for you!  Yes keep him number blocked a bit longer.  

sandye21's picture

You have been asked why would you remain in this situation for 6 years.  My DH had a sick relationship with SD.  Not to the point of going over to her house every day but for making her his emotional partner.   All of the support, all of the emotional intimacy that DH should have been giving to his wife was shared with SD.  In fact, I was almost used as an enemy to sustain their bond with each other.

So why did I stay in this unrewarding and frustrating world for 20 years?  The fear of failure was far greater than the desire to enrich my life with happiness and self-confidence.  I had failed at many things and just refused to give up hope that someday DH would see the light - someday he would change into a different man. For me it was shear stupidity.  Eight years ago, after a meltdown by SD, my DH finally DID change enough so the situation was livable for me.  But he never changed enough to convince me our marriage was top priority for him.  There is still a lack of support, caring and intimacy.  I had to try to make myself my priority but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with a man who truly cherishes me as his wife.

You remained in an unrewarding marriage for 6 years hoping something would change.  At least it wasn't 20 years.  You created boundaries and have done the right thing sending DH off to live with his son.  Your DH may knock on your door and say he wants to reconcile.  But can he transfer all of the emotional support he now shares with SS to you?  If he 'divorces' his son he will be leaving something behind that he will never be able to give to you.  If you allow him back into your home, would you be living with a shell of a Husband?  Would you always wonder if he wanted to return to you for his own convenience?  There is no guarantee that you will meet another man who offers you a happy and loving marriage but if you don't let this man go you will never have to opportunity to find out.  

I hope you will think of yourself enough to consult a lawyer as soon as possible.  You may find that you will be better off than you presently think - both emotionally and financially.  Don't waste another second on this excuse for a man.

sandye21's picture

Exjilie, I am honored.  You always have such good advice.

I can see so many similarities between the OP's DH and my own.  Sometimes the desire to be loved blinds us to the real thing.  It took 6 months for my DH to learn part of the job of a husband is to emotionally support me or he would have been out the door too.

Janurday's picture

You just put all of my feeling and fears into words.  I know he won’t change not one single bit.  I have given into almost every argument.  He will not even admit that his relationship with me is empty or that his relationship with his son is over the top.  He thinks that there is something wrong with me.  “No one should tell another person how much to love another or dictate when they can see a loved one”. It’s been 11 days and I have not given in or backed down.  I am working on getting a counselor to,help me through this.  I think marriage counseling would be a waste of time but one on one will help. I will consult an attorney.   He has demanded an allowance. He has have made sure that I know he is entitled to a chunk of my 401(k), savings and investments. So financially I may be in for some trouble. But if everyone has said the longer this goes on the worse it’s going to be.   He claims it since I have been working spouse I may even have to pay alimony. He may be right I don’t know. Isn’t it beautiful I work 50 hours a week raising two teenage daughters and I have to pay this scoundrel money. It really makes me sick.So for my stupidity I guess I will have to work an extra five years and pray my children get scholarships.   I am in my 50s so this is going to be quite a hit on my retirement. 

sandye21's picture

7Please see a lawyer before believing DH.  I was thinking of divorcing my DH about 7 years after we had been married and found out he would be eligible for a very small portion of my savings and retirement as the majority of it was saved before were married.  Also, your DH could be responsible for paying for 'rent' being that he COULD have been contributing to household expenses - especially if he transferred funds to SS after you got married.

He's still gaslighting you.  Don't discuss any financial concerns with DH at all.  Tell him you will rely on your lawyer's information rather than his.  You might be better off than you think.

still learning's picture

"He has demanded an allowance." 

Oh he's so funny!  He gave all his money to his son now he wants you to give him money.  I doubt this will fly.  Do not give him a cent or you will be setting a precedent.  Get the best lawyer you can afford, you will need it.  Legally separate ASAP!  

tog redux's picture

You did the right thing, OP.  The only person I could spend every day with is my DH, not even a friend, and most certainly not a parent.  Weird.  AND, he's not paying for anything. 

No harm in saying you made a mistake, but you don't have to stay in the mistake. I wonder why he even married you? Why didn't he just stay with his husband, er, his son?

Rags's picture

The SS is a POS... and so is your DH.  What bothers me more than the whole incestuous daddy and his boy thing is that you are working and he isn't doing shit. Not working, no helping with the younger kids, not helping with the house.

I was thinking that you need to call the locksmith to rekey the locks and call your attorney to jerk a knot in DH's useless tail to see if you could get his head pried out of SS's ass.   But... you already booted his waste of skin ass.

Good for you. 

Please enjoy your new life adventure and enjoying the lives of your daughters 

smh

 

NYCEastside's picture

You married him for good reasons - based on the information that you had available at the time and your own needs. Over time, he has clearly shown you what his priorities are - and they do not include you or your marriage to him. You are a strong successful woman who deserves more. You shouldn't compromise partial companionship for self-respect. You still have many more years ahead of you to find someone who is worthly of you. He is a deceptive free-loading loser. You can and will do much better without him. Forgive yourself for making a poor choice. There are several books entitled "Smart Women Foolish Choices" . I suggest that you read them and other reading material to enable you to make a better choice next time by asking the right questions.

Janurday's picture

Thank you NYCE.  It has been three weeks now. I’m starting to feel more clear.  I started seeing a therapist last week to help me work through how and why I got here and to help me make sure I don’t get here again.  I realize that many of the issues in our marriage stem from my husbands emeshed relationship with his son.  But I also have realized that his son is also a victim of his relationship with his father. He has a codependent mess Who relies on his father for most everything. I’m actually doing much better than I thought I would be at this point. With my first husband I was devastated By the whole ordeal.  At least this time the crazy that I’ve gone through with this DH has made me feel nothing but relief now that he’s gone.   Especially since I blocked his number so we would stop with the crazy texting. I will take a look at the book you recommended. Thank you. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Please keep posting and updating us. You sharing your story (and showing how a strong woman puts her children and herself first) shines a bright light on a behavior most people arent familiar with. I married into a family where enmeshment existed, so I'm very interested in how things progress for you. Feel free to p.m. me if you'd like.

still learning's picture

"But I also have realized that his son is also a victim of his relationship with his father."

This is such an important point to remember.  When we come into steplife it seems that the adult skids are jealous and needy for no particular reason except hate for the stepparent, then when you peel back the layers you find the truth of all the unhealthy dynamics that were put in place often when the children were very young.  ss33 is definitely a victim of both of his parents insecurities.  They have both leaned on him when their marriage was failing and used him as a fill in spouse after their divorce.  It doesn't make the situation any easier to realize that this is the monster that DH created, with the help of BM. It just clarifies that IT'S NOT ME! I didn't have anything to do with it years ago and there is nothing I can do to make it better or make ss like me.  He's damaged and randomly goes off on anyone who is near.  The best I can do is steer clear.  

If DH ever develops this kind of dynamic with ss I will have no problem helping him pack his bags and wishing them a nice life together.  Life is too short to live in someone else's sick drama.  

StepUltimate's picture

... and so relieved you are clearing up. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

You're an amazing woman. We all make mistakes, glad you course-corrected.