My mom just summed up my SD27 in one letter
I believe SM did all she could do to help all her children and stepchildren. SM worked to teach all the children to love themselves, to be confident and live good lives.
I believe SD27 blames SM for the misfortunes of her mother BM and wished DH should have stayed married to BM.
I believe SD27 thinks SD27's life would have been better if DH had not married SM.
I believe SD27 and SD31 were both hurt by their mothers drug addiction.
I believe SD27 was jealous of SM's abilities.
I believe SD27 was also jealous of DH's loyalty for SM.
Maybe SD27 made it clear to SM and DH that she was going to be mean to SM and teach her children to be mean to her also. When SD27 was growing up she had to be respectful and rein in her meanness to SM. When she became a mother, SD27 decided that she could now be mean. SD27 did not want her children to know and love SM. SD27 wanted her children to be mean to SM.
SM and DH made a boundary that SD27 could not be mean to SM. SD wanted to be mean to SM so much that she broke off her and her children's relationship with her father, and SM and brothers instead of respecting the boundaries.
It would be good if someday SD27 can be open to uniting the family.
Lisa Romano says the key is self awareness and humility. She said sometimes when girls become adults, their perceptions of their parents change for some reason and they begin to project their unease with themselves onto their parents. She said life is not easy life can be extremely difficult especially for the person who spent their early years with an addicted mother.
<--------My mom sent me this letter. Lisa Romano has a utube account with videos. My mom is a fan of Lisa Ramano.
Lisa Romano
I am also a Lisa Romano fan. A no nonsense approach. See what she says about narcissists. Opened my eyes.
It seems like many SDs have narcissistic tendencies. They were 'wounded' by their parents' divorce and can not seem to get beyond it to progress into an adult world. They are raised by parents who already have boundaries in place so the parents will not allow SD to confront them. Therefore, SD feels 'safer' changing the story so NOW the SM is to blame for all of her ills. They will take the smallest imaginary thing - such as making them uncomfortable - and expand on it so they can justify their rude and obnoxious behavior toward SM.
I've found the best thing to do is disengage, place boundaries for both DH and SD, and let DG deal with it.
sandye21
Interesting! ....I have a few questions.....when you say they are raised by parents who already have boundaries in place, are you referring to BM and DH of the child? Do you mean Skids parents won't hear their complaints so they feel safe blaming the Sparents?
and its interesting how you said SD feel 'safer' chaning the story so NOW the SM is to blame for all of her ills. Because that is exactly what my SD's did, blame me for things that I didnt do.
and why do they get to justify their rude and obnoxious behavior?
what does DG stand for?
so the biologial parents draw up boundaries for how they are treated, but in some cases, do not have boundaries for how their current spouse is treated?
Thanks for your comments!
"-- are you referring to BM
"-- are you referring to BM and DH of the child? Do you mean Skids parents won't hear their complaints so they feel safe blaming the Parents?" Yes.
Many new SMs want to make their marriage to be a success so they go out of their way to get the skids to like them. In my opinion, most married bio-parents set limits for kids. They exercise parental authority to raise the kids to be respectable to others - until they divorce. Then there are all sorts of strange dynamics going on. The parents stop parenting. It much easier for the skids to just transfer all of the frustration and blame onto the SM than to address the hurt and confusion with their parents.
I will never forget when DH told me that SD and I were "equals". Can you imagine that?!! He would have never told his first wife that she and SD were equals. DH had to learn to that his marriage was first priority in our home.
I'm not familiar with Lisa R.
I'm not familiar with Lisa R. But I personally do not care so much about the "why" with adult skids. As an adult one is responsible for trying to fix things yourself.
I just think that it is perfectly okay to dismiss adult aholes of any variety from one's life. DNA connections to me or my loved ones are meaningless if you are a POS. And even though I realize that GC are innocent bystanders I refuse to allow someone to use them as a pawn.
My SS33 and especially his toxic GF have a child who 2 1/2. I can feel sorry for the child for having such worthless parents but I do not have any more connection to him than the unfortunately many other children in the world who have bad parents.
I've done a lot to help disadvantaged smart students get an education. I recognize their plight as that was me once. But none of us have unlimited time and money. I put my resources to help those that I think it will help the most - not based on DNA.
YES, YES, YES!!! For some
YES, YES, YES!!! For some reason people in blended family situation focus on the "why". Who cares about the why? Certainly not me. I am all about the "what". What they do is what I see, what I care about, and what I address. The why matters not at all to me.
Regardless of the perceptions of the past, etc.... people make choices to behave in a particular way. The behavior is the what. I hold them accountable for their choices. They deviate from standards of reasonable behavior at their own peril.
notasm3
I see what you mean about the "why" with adult sids. I like the way you draw boundaries for adult aholes of any variety- !:)
My husband, like you, also refuses to allow innocent GC as pawns.
The smart disadvanted students are very fortunate to have you mentor them and use your resources assist them with their goals!
my SS's are opposite of my SD's... they let their own children see me and it was funny the other day my SS29 said "Stop bossing Grandma around!" to his children who were getting lippy. Do your SD's treat you better?
Do you think you will watch some lisa Romano videos?
OMG...that Lisa Romano is
OMG...that Lisa Romano is awesone!
Your Mom is a very wise and
Your Mom is a very wise and observing person. She nailed it here.
So fits my SD57. She was 22 when I met DH and she fits the pattern. If she is not in control, she makes waves.
I did learn one thing about my SD. She treats her BM and myself the same toxic way; which made it much easier for me to totally disengage. SD is jealous of anyone that DH gave or gives his love and attention. SD is jealous of her own grown children as well as her brothers (OSS59 and YSS54).
She is definitely a narcissist. Love Lisa Romano!