Need advice
Yes I am new here and don't usually come to forums but, I seriously need some advice. I have a 36 year old step son who has been living with us for 8 months. Now he came here on the deal that he was going to be here a few months (that's 2 or 3 months) then move out. His father, my H, had not lived with this boy since he was a child so, took the kid at his word that he hated being still, liked to work outside and liked and knew how to do home repairs.
Well, this kid THINKS he knows it all and actually knows nothing (has ruined a barn roof and a hunting blind by not asking for help when he had no clue how to do what he was asked to do.) He works part time, comes home, microwaves food, sits down to watch TV and falls asleep WITH THE TV BLARING! When Asked to do something all you get is "Uh hu, okay." then, two days later when you ask why he didn't do it. "I went to sleep, I work." as if working part time for minimum wage is all he should have to do. He doesn't pay rent or buy food or help with bills here at all. Supposedly all his money goes to pay child support and, buy gas to get to and from work. (Did I mention he has cigarettes and candy at will.)
No matter what I try to tell hi or explain to him, he just rolls his head and, comes of with some reason I'm wrong, or a reason he has to do it his way. (Like spend 50.00 for a tool he needed to use once and, that our neighbor offered to loan him. because "I'll have it when I need it, I don't like borrowing things without paying.") Hmm seems he is fine borrowing a room, a bed, food, etc.... without paying.
My H even agrees that he misrepresented himself and how long he would stay here, and how much effort he would make to contribute here and, get a place of his own but, that's as far as it goes. When I push the issue I get "That's the past, deal with what is. I'm not throwing my son out."
Okay so how do I get this know it all, lazy bum to get out of my house for good or, do I leave and let the men have the place? (been married 11 years.)
Oh we have tried talking to
Oh we have tried talking to the kid. That gets the "Okay, Uh, Hu, I know." head roll, walk off and fall asleep someplace (chair, futon, his car, wherever.) Then he does whatever chores we ask and buys a gallon of milk or some other bit of food for the house for a day or two, then it's back to the same old.
Yes he has limited money, by my calculation at what he makes, he should have 100.00 per month extra beyond paying his child support, gasoline and cigarettes. Not a lot but, that's 100.00 that is unaccounted for and not going into a place to live be that here or elsewhere.
I've suggested sending the kid to a homeless shelter her for the day classes that teach them money management, how to get and keep a job, etc... but, DH won't push it because he know if he did, we'd just end up having to give the kid gas money to go to work. (it is 20 miles one way to work for him and would be 35 one way to the classes and, no there are no businesses of any kind closer.)
I've told him the biggest problem is that the kid is terrified of being alone. I proved that. I offered him 50.00 to go one day with no phone, no computer, no one to talk to at all. Just for 24 hours on his day off. He refused, he can't do it. If DH and I go out, he goes to a friend's house, he has never lived alone (with GF, or GF and her family, or his BM before she was killed.) Unfortunately DH is of the mind that mental health is a crock as are chiropractors so he won't insist the kid see a counselor and get help.
Now DH is a trucker and thus gone 14 to 16 hours a day (he is home nightly and weekends) so he doesn't see all that I as a stay home housewife do. Somehow I have to convince the kid that either alone is okay or, that moving out is better than staying here and, do it w/o professional help for the kid, which I think he needs. DH is one of the sort that think they are family and you NEVER let family fall. I'm the opposite, family or not, if they need pushed off the edge, push, they will learn and be better for it in the long run.
DH will eventually get fed up with it but, not for five or six years and, I can't tolerate that long of the kid being here, running up bills and making messes for me to tend to. (I even do his laundry, cook for him, etc... but again no choice, he does not know how to cook and, the one time I tried to make him to his laundry, he overloaded the dryer so much that nothing dried in an hour. 3 blankets in at once. - okay so we have a triple capacity commercial washing machine and, it will wash enough clothes to overload the dryer; it was explained to the kid that the washer is what it is because DH and I tan hides and, we use it to rinse them, and that he was not to stuff it full when he washed clothing in there.)
Does anyone know of any free, online money management classes I could refer the kid too, or a free online counselor to get him over his fear of being alone?
You send him down to wherever
You send him down to wherever the local morning coffee table of men are sitting and you tell him to hire himself out (clean barns, chicken house, getting equipment ready for spring ect). You send him morning after morning until he manages to fill his free days. Your DH might want to tip these locals off not to hire SS for construction and general repairs (screwed up the barn roof :O )
You remind him you're not the maid and stop cooking anything for him except for the evening meal when DH is home. If he can't cook he can eat a cold sandwich. If he isn't working his part time job or have a day of chores to do from the locals, you send him off in the truck with his father. If Papa wants his son around doing nothing then Papa can sit side by side going down the road all day with son.
SS doesn't need a money management class. He has no money to manage. He could roll his own tobacco smokes and stop buying store bought, but if Papa isn't going to charge him rent the SS won't see a need to do that. In fact that DH should announce rent of $150 a month (to start) and that it's due the 1st of each month. When SS whines Papa can show SS how to roll his own smokes. Ta-da instant savings for rent.
Follow the link below to
Follow the link below to Amazon.com and some books on "boomerang kids". Kids who leave and come back. Pick out one that explains how its bad for the kid and buy it for Daddy.
He hates being alone and Daddy works 16 hours at a time. I think you need to find something to do for those same 16 hours. Volunteer somewhere if necessary.
If Daddy ends up being obstinate about not tossing a middle aged person out to learn how to become self-sufficient then yes you should move out. Find a small one room "bachelor" type apartment and move into it. Bigger if you can afford it. Move in with one of your kids or siblings for a month and take it from there. Tell Daddy you're not leaving/divorcing you're just unable to live in the same home with this kid and list the reasons why in writing to leave with him.
If after a few months nothing changes get a Legal Separation - Google it for more info. Or if you've had it just get a divorce and be done with both of them.
Link - click here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&fie...
That would be a HUGE deal
That would be a HUGE deal breaker for me. That your DH will not do anything and is expecting you to deal with this, I cannot comprehend the rational that keeps you there.
I need to get something off
I need to get something off my chest. Why does everyone so flippantly tell others to "leave him" over an incident with their step kids? It's as if it's such an easy decision to end a marriage that one thing happens and many suggest to dump him and move on. It's really annoying and not helpful advice. Divorce should be the last suggestion, not the first. I keep seeing it repeatedly offered as advice on this board and it is really ridiculous and most of the times, useless advice {{rant over}}.
With that said, I understand that your DH doesn't want to kick this guy out. He's his son and he has no realistic place to go. Yes, he should've never been in this position but he is and the reality has to be dealt with. Your DH needs to set a realistic deadline with this man of when he has to be out of your house. You said he has friends, it's time for him to seek one of them out as a roommate. Your DH doesn't have to deal with the day-to-day annoyance of this guy like you do. I would continue the talks with your DH and tell him a deadline for this "kid" to be out has to be set soon! Good luck!
In some cases, leaving is the
In some cases, leaving is the right choice, but if I was the OP, after being married 11 years, I would be damned if I would let a 36 year old loser run me out of my home.
I honestly don't know what I would do to get him out (I sure wouldn't be doing anything for him like laundry or cooking). That's why I never would have let him move in in the first place.
My husband and I agreed a long time ago, never to have another adult live with us, it's just too hard on a relationship.
whatamess I assume you are
whatamess I assume you are referring to other situations and not this particular post. If you are referring to this post, this doesn't appear to be an "incident" but rather a situation that the OP's husband created and then handed over to his wife. The husband does not appear to want to deal with it, he isn't even there. A 36 year old step son who has no motivation to find his own place, get a full time job and pull his weight around the house in addition to a husband who thinks all of this is OK is not something anyone should have to live with. If the OP has stated her position and is ignored then I would say (and not "flippantly") that unless she wants to live her life this way for the next several years if not forever, she should have an exit plan.
Too bad a plan was not put in place before this man moved in and move out date identified. It must be awful for the OP to feel like this is her life forever.
I agrre, teh SS needs a
I agrre, teh SS needs a deadline to be out. So if DH doesn't have the guts to do it, it is up to the SM to set the dealine. If the home is 1/2 hers she has a right to do so. Divorce is not always the answer but if DH can't act like a husband maybe HE should leave with SS.
Sounds like your in a similar
Sounds like your in a similar situation to mine. Mine keeps telling me he will move next month and it's been 7 years. He's 29 now. I've been to counseling to no avail. The councilor is on my wife's side. Telling me if I married her, I married the whole family. It depends how to feel about your sanity and how much you love your spouse. Maybe move out for a while to show you need business? I don't know...I'm lost in the abyss of step kids, too. Good luck.