Need Advice - Please?
My SD has lived with her father and I since she was 4. Her Bio mother has major psychological issues. Borderline personality, alcoholism, bipolor. She is now almost 22 and 3 weeks ago we had a major blow up. I have been dealing with major disrespect -often in front of my 12 year old twins. My husband has been aware, but he prefers to turtle - he supposedly "talks" to her. Her boyfriend also 22 lives with us (guest bedroom) because it is a closer drive to school. They both started a 2 year nursing program. She was kicked out due to grades after 1 semester then reaccepted later. I kept telling my husband that one day I was going to have enough. Well I did 3 weeks ago, I come home with dinner at 7:15 after I had gone to a doctors appointment. She opened the dishwasher and said "I am not doing this GD dishwasher." I blew a fuse and told her that I had had enough of her, her boyfriend and their dog. I let it go and felt like Madea afterwards. She left with boyfriend and dog. She has been very mean to my twins, they had gotten to where they dreaded seeing her car in the driveway when we got home. The disrespect had gotten off the charts, she is bitching and moody and on top of all of that they are drinking and having sex in my house. Supposedly my husband has "talked" to her about her drinking. 1/2 gallon of vodka a week and told her that he did not want her to turn into her mother (in and out of jail). Now we are buying her a trailer to put on property we own and I agreed, but insist that utilities and other expenses come out of a $30,000 college fund that we had not used to this point. The boyfriend will live there and mooch I am sure. We will end up going broke just trying to afford the electric and liquor bill. My husband burned about $300 in lingerie that he found a year ago in her room and he finally told her that he was the one who did it - up until then I was the bitch that did it. For the last 3 years she has badmouthed me in front of my mother and father in law and anybody else she could find. She told him that I said she was "different" and that I love the twins more. I have never said this and still love her, but I certainly don't like her. I have not talked to her since. With a new house and bills paid to me it seems like she is being rewarded for the disrespect that I have endured over the last few years. I was the one who took care of her - took her to the doctor, dentist, podiatrist, helped with homework and this is what I get for all those years? My father has cancer and does not have long and I really don't have the time nor the inclination to continue to flog dead horses and be chastised for imagined wrong doings. Any insight that could be offered would be appreciated.
Also, she constantly compares
Also, she constantly compares my youngest twin to me. She told her you are acting like you mama and that is not a good thing. Also, the blow up did not occur right after she said the disrespectful thing. I immediately went to my room and came out when my husband came home. I was telling him what happened and that my 12 year old daughter came into my room and said "mama she talks to you like a dog". When I told my husband that she had said that she said " You trained her well" - that was the proverbial straw.
Also, she constantly compares
Also, she constantly compares my youngest twin to me. She told her you are acting like you mama and that is not a good thing. Also, the blow up did not occur right after she said the disrespectful thing. I immediately went to my room and came out when my husband came home. I was telling him what happened and that my 12 year old daughter came into my room and said "mama she talks to you like a dog". When I told my husband that she had said that she said " You trained her well" - that was the proverbial straw.
I'd be so tempted to tell her
I'd be so tempted to tell her "YOU are acting like YOUR mother and THAT is not a good thing!"
It is best that they move into the trailer. Though they are old enough to get part time jobs and pay their own utilities and groceries.
May I add, it is incredibly creepy and over stepping of your husband to destroy his adult daughter's lingerie. Let's not have any more of that ok?
Let her have her lingerie like an adult, and pay her own expenses as an adult.
You shouldn't even be buying
You shouldn't even be buying a trailer to put on your property. Let the two heathens go get jobs and pay for a crappy apartment together. At least DH sees her as being trouble as well. Most of us have Disney Dads and we just can't win, myself included!
She will keep mooching off of Daddy because so far, it has been working for her. Daddy needs to cancel the order for a trailer and have her GTFO of your lives. Tough love works wonders.
~ Moon
Thank you for the advice, my
Thank you for the advice, my objections don't make me feel like such a witch now. The moving in part w/ bf happened while my dad was newly diagnosed, having radiation and we were transporting him almost 3 hours away to Moffitt in Tampa very often. I couldn't hardly handle the day ahead, much less months down the road, I just didn't object, I guess. The school requires that they attend class, 8-3 and then they have 12 hour clinical days, so my husband's argument is that he would rather her focus on school otherwise she will need help the rest of her life. She is his "Golden Child" and he feels guilty about everything with her mother. The trailer he is looking at his pretty inexpensive and used and would be owned by us - not her. Yes, he throws me under the bus, and thinks she can do no wrong. He did not even want to believe how much she was drinking until I proved it to him. Our relationship is greatly at risk, I think that I am the one most ready to leave. I did not grow up in this craziness and will not have the twins grow up in it. She was at his mom's house yesterday and he got an attitude with me, he never said it but I think he wanted ME to go over and talk to her. I was like.... REALLY? He is a great Dad, he spends time with the kids and is wonderful with them. His greatest weakness is that he thinks SD walks on water. She tells him that I love the twins more and he feels sorry for her and thinks she has abandonment issues. I don't think I will be able to talk him into not buying her a trailer. "I" kicked her out - he doesn't see it as she is suffering the consequences for being unkind. She is being rewarded for being hateful. I don't want to break the twins heart over all of this, a divorce would hurt them and I do love him. He just can't get his head out of his ass....
Why are you spending penny
Why are you spending penny on a 22yo. Particularly one as toxic and who takes advantage of you and DH like this one does.
If she was performing in school, contributing around the house without bitching, etc.. I can see helping some but not for this useless POS.
Cut her off. Let her figure out where to live and how to support her own damned useless POS self.
Lol, I'm going to demand my
Lol, I'm going to demand my parents buy my wine!
"Now we are buying her a
"Now we are buying her a trailer to put on property we own ---" This means the money for the trailer would be coming out of your pocket. Separate your finances now. Then tell DH HE is paying for everything - trailer, utilities, food for them, etc. Also tell him you no longer want to hear anything about her, she is not allowed in your home, and you will not accept any blame for her lies unless he can prove she is telling the truth. Once he stops throwing you under the bus, insists (in your presence) that she respect you as his wife, and stops enabling her, you will consider allowing her in your home. He can go visit her in the trailer.
That young woman should be
That young woman should be paying her own way at this point. She's never had the chance to do a budget or figure out where money comes from. Daddy is crippling her. Tell him that. Even if you have help from your parents for college you are usually living on your own, figuring out how much you need for groceries, for books, etc. By the time you graduate you know how to live independently.
At the rate this girl is going, she WILL end up like her mother. In jail for DUIs and what not. And at 30 she will no more know how to live on her own than a 12 year old does. Daddy is doing his daughter a massive disservice. Pretty much like he's taking a baseball bat to her knees.
And what's with the supporting somebody else's failure to launch kid? NO BOYFRIENDS LIVE HERE!!!!!
Thanks again for the advice -
Thanks again for the advice - it is eye-opening. Criticism welcome and appreciated. I have not handled this well and need help. As far as my twins go, my husband is their father and I have never been married before. I have been keeping a journal of everything that has happened since January - which is when I started to think about leaving. I had a consultation with a divorce financial planner and he gave me a laundry list of things to do and I have been working on it to keep me from being at a disadvantage if it comes to divorce. I have several friends (I am in my 40's) who ended up with nothing). We have been married for 17 years and that is considered long term where we live and it is a community property state. Before the mooches left the other day, I told him that it was me or them and if I left, I was taking his children and half of everything we owned. They are out of the house - they are now mooching off his parents. Yesterday he got a real attitude with me - as if I was supposed to forgive and forget. She is my twins half sister and it has been only the last few years that she has mean to them. How do I handle that? Regarding the lingerie we was looking for my daughters gerbil that had run into SD's room and while searching he found a Fredrick's of Hollywood bag. He opened it, saw what it was and threw it in the fireplace. It was pretty obvious. I knew what was going on but I don't know what he thought... SD blamed me for almost a year. I had an appointment with a ball busting attorney, but canceled it when my son asked if we were going to divorce. Raisin Balls - I like that. I really don't have a choice on the trailer. He is going to give her a place to live. I told him last night that I deserved an apology and he actually thinks that he does not owe me one. He has a different attitude after he sees SD (like yesterday) and she spins her web of lies and she is so damn good at it. I would leave him right now if it was not for my twins. Is that wrong?
"I would leave him right now
"I would leave him right now if it was not for my twins. Is that wrong?" Do you think it is helping your twins to be witnessing the fact that their Father appears to condone his children having sex in your home? Or that they can look forward to be financially supported after they should be responsible adults? Or they can lie and treat you like dog doo, and he will take their side against you?
It sounds like you were on the right path when you went to the financial planner and divorce attorney but got scared. It's a big life change for both you and your children. At first it would be traumatic and disruptive but your children are only 12. There is still time to straighten things out.
Not wrong not wrong not
Not wrong not wrong not wrong! If you are already at this point I say you should continue on it because you are well past the point where I or most of us here would have done it.
When I divorced my ex-husband the first thing I was advised to do by both marriage counselor and lawyer was separate financially and that meant legal separation. If you are still questioning the full divorce, at least take this step because it will freeze the assets right where they are at the time of filing. That means he will provide for his little witch and her gigolo out of his half not off the top of the whole. I would do that TOMORROW.
You are not raising your twins in a healthy environment. Get your ducks in a row then file TOMORROW. You can always undo a legal separation. This makes it an easy first step. You can go back to being married or you can proceed to divorce. But it will protect YOUR assets and YOUR children's share of their father's earnings starting now. And it will get you and your kids out of that toxic environment. Think of never seeing that girl again or seeing your "husband" act that way again. Doesn't that vision make you want to run run run to the courthouse?!? You can!
ETA: I am happily married NOW to someone else. You don't know what the future can hold if you don't smash some obstacles holding you back first.
My DH stayed married to his
My DH stayed married to his ex for 27 years because he wanted to be married for his kids until they were grown up. Well, guess what? They are the two most fucked up adults I know. Staying in a dysfunctional marriage for your kids is a bad move. Get out and show them what normal is. If my DH had left his crazy ex ten years prior, his kids might have had a better mother role model to show them how normal people live and they might not be so screwed up now. As it is, they think that lying, manipulation, greedy, self centered, lazy narcissism is normal and that hiding it behind a pretty facade is the only way to live.
OMG! what planet does your DH
OMG! what planet does your DH live on ? It is one thing to be a Disney Dad to a 22 year old grown daughter. Your husband is supporting a dead beat boyfriend. Did he really think his daughter and boyfriend would NOT have sex when he allows them to live under the same roof.
I hope your DH is buying a used trailer. Trailers lose value like a car. He might be spending a lot more money in the long run with a trailer. You can beat...they will trash it over time.
I be talking to a lawyer too!
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