New here, strange situation with adult SD?
To make a very long complicated story very short, my husband and I have 3 children together (7,15,19) and he has a 23 year old daughter. His daughter was lost to the state by the other for neglect and abuse when she was 3ish. Him and mom only had a short relationship when she was conceived and mom took off before he knew she was pregnant. My husband learned of her existence when she was closer to 2 years old when mom came back looking for child support and to make the family thing work with him after a handful of dead beats didn't work out and another child now as well. They moved across the courty to start a new life etc. that lasted all of a month until mom took off again leaving young dumb dad no way to find her. By the time he was found by the court the child was 5 and in a preadoptive hime with her other siblings. At the time the best choice for the child was to willing sign over his rights (or so we thought).
Anyway fast forward 18 years later and adult child came looking for biparents. She tried out biomom and realized within a few months she was a narcissist. She had visited with us for a few weeks and all seemed well. Adult step daughter ended up homeless due to bimom kicking her out. We flew her across the country to stay with us.
A little past history on step daughter. She was not adopted by the same family as siblings, in fact she didn't get adopted until 12. She was a hellion no one could tame. She bounced from foster home to foster and even group homes. She has a handful of mental health disorders related to her crappy childhood. Adoptive parents wanted to "save" her and forgot that she was already damaged and not ever going to live up to their expectations so they were happy to be rid of her at 22 when she found Bimom.
Since here (4 months) she has got her GED, enrolled in college and should start this fall. I took her to a psy and got her back on some meds and enrolled in counseling. All good things.
Now she is the most spoiled entitled acting brat ever! She says she'll do one thing and then makes every excuse know to man to avoid it. Like her own laundry or the dishes once a week on her day. Or find a job! If anyone says anything remotely not nice to her she on Facebook with the "I hate my life" crap sucking up all the sympathy she can from strangers. She is constantly trying to manitpulate her father by making him feel guilty for not being there for her in the past. Causing nothing but problems between him and me and him and our children.
Ive told her that she must of forgotten at some point she is not entitled to anything from either one of us. He did not have to answer her messages when she came looking. We did not have to agree to pay to bring her here to meet her bio family. We did not have to allow her to live with us and off of us (including college tuition now). And most importantly me being a stepmom (or whatever I am ) did not have to love her in anyway.
I do love her like one of my own, she's part of the man I love more than anything. Itd be impossible not to love her. But at the same time just like one of my own I want her to grow up and be productive. Not just sit around waiting for the world to be handed to her. It's not going to happen.
Somehow I submitted that to
Somehow I submitted that to soon.
Anyway, any ideas on how to help this kid stand on her own to feet and stop being so damn rotten? I'm sympathetic to her past as is one no child should of ever gone through but really no one can change that.
Sounds like you and your
Sounds like you and your hubby need to get together and agree on what should be done to curb her entitlement. She won't do her own laundry? That's an easy fix. Don't do it for her, and let her wear dirty clothes. Won't do the dishes? Then she should stop using them. If that doesn't work, maybe she shouldn't be eating in your home at all. No job? Cool...no money from Mom and Dad. Stop buying her toiletries and anything else. That might also remind her that good food is hard to come by for free and encourage her to pitch in with the dishes and housework so that, if she can't/won't get a job, she can still eat at home.
I think you guys are really putting your best foot forward. She should be willing to do the same.
I like this comment
I love this and will put it in my journal to look at when I reach those times where I am frustrated and/or confused...
“You can’t want more for anyone than they want for themselves.”
We need to remember that we cannot “make” things happen because it makes perfect sense to us. The people we want to “come to their senses” have to want it to. Change happens when the person is open to it and wants change to occur.
Obviously, she has a lot of
Obviously, she has a lot of healing to do, but I doubt your home is the place to do it. Being bounced around in early life, can leave a person with a lot of unresolved emotional issues. Throw psychological issues in the mix, and you’ve got yourselves a full-time job with this woman living under your roof.
While it seems you guys have nothing but good intentions, you’re really opening yourselves up to being this woman’s emotional whipping post. I hope you two have a solid and unified marriage, because you’re going to need it to weather the storm.
She is 23. I would be steadfast in getting her out on her own two feet. You can still love and offer support, but you cannot enable her to abuse privileges and be emotionally abusive towards her dad.
Guilt is never a good reason
Guilt is never a good reason to do anything. SD-23 is an adult and is long past the stage where she should be held accountable for her decisions and behaviors. She has a family, a mom and dad, and she wore them out in 10 short years. Then she went looking for more parental victims and landed on BioMom. The Skid quickly learned that there was no advantage to remaining with the whack job BM so ... she targeted daddy and his family.
At some point every adult must realize that regardless of the baggage handed down by parents and childhood experiences. Adults deal with those problems they inherited from their own parents and childhood. That is a key part of growing up and being an adult. These issues are SD-23's to solve and I would suggest that she be re-launched now. You and her father know she is lying POS, she is manipulative, and that she is only in your lives to get something and it for damned sure is not to find her long lost daddy and family.
It is not fair to your own children to have this manipulative toxic adult in their lives. I suggest that you and your DH gain clarity on that fact right now and manage the situation from that primary position. SD-23 either immediately adults, does what she is told, contributes, etc... or she is gone. Nothing a call to the locksmith to re-key the locks won't fix immediately.
Love should not overlook the facts of this woman's character flaws and crappy decisions. Fine, love her, but do not sacrifice yourself, your marriage and your children/family on the alter of StepMom martyrdom and daddy guilt.
Her adoptive parents learned that they can't erase her tragic childhood and failed in that rescue project. Rather than repeating the mistakes f the adoptive parents you and DH need to learn from the adoptive parents mistakes and protect your own family.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Yea, I'm afraid she's damaged
Yea, I'm afraid she's damaged and it is no wonder she landed in your place -- who else would want her? Now you know why no one wants her. But you probably should have figured that out before jumping in so deep.
You can sacrifice yourself and your family, or you can sacrifice her and contribute to the kind of bouncing and disappointment that made her the way she is in the first place.
Or you could try, as some other poster mentioned, setting her up in her own place. You sacrifice the money, but it won't wreck your family the way having her in your household will. You can be there for some peripheral support, but you can back off to your own space when she's too much.
They say kids want boundaries, especially kids you never had them before. They say it makes them feel secure and like they're part of a family system. Maybe she's crying out for you to care enough to put her in her place. It's hard to know without knowing the players.
It will be a miracle if she doesn't wreck her life. It's noble of you to try to help, and your husband is obliged to some degree. I hope you can figure this out and maybe be a great positive impact on her life (without ruining yours!)
If she cannot function in the
If she cannot function in the adult world then it's time to set her up on SSI and get her into vocational rehab for adults with disabilities. Sadly the foster care system failed her early in life, her adoptive family also let her down by not making her get a basic education. Parenting is hard and a full time commitment, kids aren't a rescue pet that you can bring back to the shelter if it doesn't work out.
There are many ways to help her w/out her being under your roof. The simpliest would be to move her out into a roommate situation just like most college age young people her age. Have her go to school part time and work part time. The best thing you can do is to treat her like an adult because the time to parent her has passed. Help guide her rather than coddle and do for her.
Thanks for the replys!
Thanks for the replys!
To anwser a few questions, yes her adoptive parents gave up on her about 5 years in at 16 when they let her drop out of high school. Also they found of adoptive mom was pregnant with a miracle baby at that time as well. And they decided she didn't need any mental health help because her problems are "just made up in her head". Literally the definition of a mental health disorder......
yes me and hubbys marriage is solid. We've been married for 18 years now and are both on the same page with this.
As far as "kicking her out" she is now on the opposite side of the country with no where to go. I could send her back home but again she has no where to go. She is completely unwanted by anyone. I myself am nurse that works in mental health. I understand her more than she realizes. Probably better than anyone else that's walked in and out of her life. She has a horrible past, filled with abuse (including sexual) by a token that's ever said they cared about her. Though her additude sucks and she's driving me crazy (more than anyone else) the fact she's not currently contemplating suicide (3 failed attempts in the past) or a drug addict is amazing.
I did tell her Ive had enough of the entitled behavior and she needs to get a job and start adulting. So she found a new boyfriend and has been at his house 5 days/nights a week to avoid dealing with it. She been here just a few months and has had at least 4 "boy friends" in that time. She goes from first date to completely in love by day 2. She has serious self esteem issues along with reactive attachment issues I'm sure. And all the guys she's dated are the definition of a looser. No jobs, no education etc. living off their friends as well.
Shes susposed to be home today and she getting told that she needs to either live here and adult or she can move in with her BF and figure it out from there. our house isn't going to be a revolving door for her inbetween bad decisions.