I fully understand. While my kids have a great relationship with DH, I do NOT have any relationship with his kids.They've destroyed any possibility of that happening. While they have not directly asked about inheritance, I know it will eventually happen.  We have everything done legally; wills, POAs, medical POAs, etc. We review every 5 years to make sure we have all bases covered, down to what we want done at our funerals, down to details. I'm 60 and Dh is 68.

As for not being in relation with his kids, nothing says you have to. I have not seen DHs kids in over 4 years (it's been closer to 10 years that I've not seen one who accused me of emotional abuse) and while they want to act like nothing is wrong and be back in relation, I've held strong. DH has seen his kids away from our marital home for all this time but I realize we are aging and I have begun "loosening" that boundary. One of DHs kids visited twice so far; I wasn't home for one visit and I stayed in my studio on the other visit. Just not ready for face-to-face contact yet. I've also told him the others can visit him him with the understanding it changes nothing between them and me. (He was clear with them -  they were not welcome here because of their behaviors, he supported that fully and nothing would change until I was ready). 

As of now, I see nothing more than a civil and superficial interaction with any of DHs adult kids. I have zero desire to do anything "deep" with them and if DH passes before me, I'll never see them again once the memorial service is done. 

As for the lake house, if your DH wants you to have it to enjoy, and YOU want it...keep the will as is. If you see it as something you'd be happy to be "rid" of, then update the will to give it to the money grubbers.

Oh h*ll, after that I would change my will to NOT leave it to them. 

Be sure you have a clause in your wills stating that anyone who constests the will receives nothing.

I hope your DH continues to do well. I'm sure he's embarrassed about his kids' behavior. Grown adults yelling about inheritance is ridiculous but sadly it's not uncommon.

Do you have enough to live comfortably if his 401s are distributed upon his death? Or would you need proceeds from the sale of the lake house to maintain your standard of living? Those of us of a certain age are well aware that retirement income can be a source of worry as we get older.

Do not give in to their rude hissy fits. Your DH is rightly ensuring that you have as comfortable a life as possible. He loves you, and it doesn't matter if his kids do or not. He needs to make that clear to them.

And, I am certain this is how my stepkids would act too, in the name of "fairness" about their father's assets. What they don't know is that he has almost NO assets for anyone to inherit. They'll still find a reason to be mad about it though.

It might be helpful to look at trusts vs inheriting assets directly.  You could be the beneficiary of each other's trust.. with the ultimate distribution being according to each of your plans to your bios.

As to the lake house.. I can see them thinking it would stay with their side of the family if he owned it prior to your relationship.. but the way they approached it was horrible.  If they had acted more appropriately.. I could see telling them your plans were to obviously allow their use of the property (unless you were planning on being there full time).. shared with yourself and your kids.. but that yes.. they would not inherit it outright until you both had passed... 

It's unfortunate that your DH did not make these plans more clear to his kids when he was more capable of being part of the discussion.. it really shouldn't have had to be your job.. and honestly.. hind sight is 2020.. but I might have told them that the will would be read after death.. period.

this is definitely a concern many adult skids will have.. that a "fortune" that their parents amassed will be funneled to the "new" wife and her kids leaving them in the cold.

I know it happened to my father and his brothers.. his dad's will left it to his wife.. who left it to her kids.. and he was a surgeon with a sizeable estate.. that his kids did not see the benefit of.  

No.. you aren't "owed" inheritance.. but I think it's often generally expected that you would inherit what is left from your parents.. and seeing it potentially go to others.. could be stinging.

Wow.

I'm of the opinion that it's rude and inappropriate to inquire about someone else's will and inheritance.

I am of the same mindset as stepmomnorth, so rude, inappropriate, and disgusting. This is what is on their mind as their father is ailing?

I would never ask my dad about his and his wife's will. First of all, I hope they spend it all in their retirement and have fun doing it. Second, I am not the one who worked for that money or the assets and am not entitled to any of it. The last thing I want, is a big fight over money when my dad dies.

If someone has the balls to ask the question, they need to be adult enough to hear (and accept) the answer, whatever it may be. I would have told your SD it was none of her business.

My DH has 2 daughters (one completely estranged) who have done nothing to deserve ANY of our hard earned money and they will both get nothing. We have the clause about anyone who contests the wills gets nothing, we also have a notoraized afidavit that his daughters have intenionally been left out, that it was not an oversight.

I think the most important thing we have done, is to not leave most things up to a will. Anything that could be done as a straight beneficiary or TOD (transfer on death) has been done that way. It is automatic upon death and avoids wills and probate. Our bank accounts, our cars, even our house - all have TOD.

I am so sorry that you have to put up with this, especially while trying to take care of your DH.

"but still want them to have relationship with DH as he is not well"

Consider whether this is worth it. Do their visits bring him joy or grief and pain? Can he handle their visits? 

As you sacrificed your earning potential to look after your ailing husband, you might consider padding out your finances by renting out the lake house.

I am sorry you are having to deal with such bad-mannered, overbearing, selfish, inconsiderate boors of skids. I don't suppose they have ever contributed the slightest effort to looking after their father, have they?

If the lake house has been in the family for a long time, I can understand the kids may be interested in keeping it in the family. But the way to go about that is to ask their father, respectfully and politely, if he would consider keeping it in the family (via trust) for generations to come. Whatever his response, or even if it's MYOB, the kids should leave it at that.  

But the way they've treated their debilitated father and even worse, tried dragging the rest of the family into it, is appalling.  

No one knows how long they will live or what expenses may occur.  Long term care can be very, very expensive and if the lake house had to be sold to pay DH's medical or care bills then that may be an option which would make this whole subject of the kids getting it - moot.  As Winterglow said, you could also rent it out for income for long term care.

Unless of course the skids plan to take care of their father 24/7 for the rest of his days.  We know the answer to that.

Your best bet at this point (for this purpose only and without knowing your tax situation) may be to put the lake house into both of your names with right of survivorship so that it passes automatically outside of probate.  Knowing that these skids object to your estate plan,  it would be wise to consult with a T&E attorney and make sure your plans are as ironclad as you can make them. 

Sending huge hugs to you.

I am so sorry.

Im so sorry you are going through all that. Vent away as much as you need to. You have a lot on your plate, the skids can see that, and are doing their best to wear you down at your vulnerable points. And your husband is suffering as well, and plus having to see his kids act like a$$holes. After all you have done for them, and they cant be bothered to help and now are memememe. Plus being rude and nasty.

Id say heck with them, leave it all to the charity of your choice. Leave it to the grands equally between yours and his. LOL, that should REALLY get them bothered.

Enjoy your time, block those suckers. Tell them if they cannot be nice, they need to leave, its too much stress on their father.

Welp. Its up to DH to decide what he wants in his will. The Lake House couldve have been in the family for 5 billion years and it would still be his choice who he wills it to if it is in his name. So F that to the entitled skids. They can wait and lady I hope you live a very long happy life at the Lake House 

Heck when your time is coming Id throw a match and never look back. Nothing like roasting marshmellows on a bonfire at the lake   ;)     LOL

The hair on the back of my neck stands up straight and my hackles are raised.  All that statement represents is an excuse to not be clear that  "his/her kid is a POS" and no one wants to call a Spade a Spade.

I stand on the "facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts" platform and am a firm believer that the facts need to be broadcast and addressed regularly and often until the behaviors that result in undesirable facts are changed.

They have made their beds, now is the time to bury then in those beds.   Immediatley have your attorney send a cease and decist order and launch a RO/PO keeping them away from you, your DH, and your homes.  

If I were you, I would make damned sure they get squat for nothing. If your DH pre-deceases you, donate the lake house to a charity, and in your will leave what is left of DH's 401 to his toxic spawn making sure that you draw that down first so that yours can go to your kids.

If they so much as drive by any of your properties, nail their asses to a wall for violating the RO/PO.

Their father is not deceased and yet they are vultures picking at his life.

Meaning your DH's health and his horrible crotch fruit. A trust is the way to go if you can swing it.

I brought all--and I do mean ALL--of the assets into my marriage. Being a paranoid and suspicious type I hired a lawyer to prepare a pre-nup. He did some casual checking and before I signed anything he made sure I knew about DH's situation, which included a recent bankruptcy, zero  assets, and a crazy, chronically unemployed ex.

Over the years DH has cleaned up his act considerably, but besides being the one who brought the assets, I have contributed the lion's share of income throughout our marriage. Unfortunately DH is still in thrall to his adult son, out of whose ass the sun apparently shines. I think he's a toxic pr!ck. Sadly, my 3 bios, now adults, have never recovered from the PAS their father abused them with. I love them to bits but they're kind of hopeless in their own way. In less than 5 years they've all blown through inheritances left them by their deceased father's sister, and they never seem to tire of hearing me tell them that no, I won't lend them money, co-sign a car loan, or anything of the sort. They have no kids of their own and I suspect it'll stay that way. So I really have no one I care to leave anything of value.

My assets, protected by the pre-nup, are producing income and held in a trust. Cost me a bomb to have it set up and sadly I've had to conceal its existence from DH. He's a little fuzzy on the exact source of our money and I suspect he'll always be vulnerable to his son's greed. My kids know they're not getting anything of value, but SS is likely in for an unpleasant surprise. Wish I could be around to see it. DH and I live off the trust and when we're  both gone it will be liquidated and the proceeds will go to a charity that I've vetted and consider honest and well-run. And boy do I sleep better knowing that those assets are protected from the outstretched hands of spendthrift kids and a nasty skid.

I highly recommend a trust like this if you're ornery enough to set one up and can afford it.

LilyRose, you could be writing my life, except only my BD has grandkids. SS  had no kids and didn't want Dad to remarry ( that was close to 24 years ago) . It makes me ready to cry. Please get and estate elder lawyer. The point is to not need the will, to make all avoid probate.

My DH and I redid wills last fall. We set up a trust for grandkids and protection trusts in the event one of us wound up in a nursing home/ we put life estate on houses- my BD has the house she's buying from me and will just inherit it. This one I live in has the SD but she has to sell and share profits with her SS. Anything financial in our marriage that was merged, they split. Anything after he died is mine. ( I was 100% POD on his except for one " oops" where we had papers but benfiary wasn't filed on an account of his. ) DH died 6 mos after we wrote wills. SD hasn't been decent to me for anything, thinks she should have gotten a lot more when her father died. My BD is now my executor. I - because of my SD behavior-  need to take her off as contingent executor.

please see an estate lawyer. Even if your husband has had a stroke, if he can make his wishes known to lawyer, he can change will. Still, I would not be surprised if his kids challenged it. You can change yours. Just get one of your kids as executor, the one you trust. Perhaps put all in trust -- that spells out everything better than wills sometimes.

if your SKS are horrible now with Dad alive? Expect worse down the road. I am living it for 8 mos. At least get everything POD or TOD or you as beneficiary/ sometimes called ATF. Get health care proxies/ living wills and Power of Attorney. I understand how you feel.... like I said, I'm living in the aftermath of DH dying and SD from hell