Now that YSD is gone for awhile...
...I realize what a physical reaction I have to her presence. I can't seem to control it but I would like to. I met her when she was still in elementary school. I though she was such a smart and cool kid; a nice girl who was funny and interesting. I did witness a couple fights between YSD and her sister but it was impressive that they could work things out, even if the fights seemed more intense than what I would expect between sisters. DH was at their beck and call. Both of them would "borrow" things and never return them. All typical kid issues, along with some step issues of competition, but still workable once we had all adjusted.
Then, in high school she changed. She complained about everyone and everything. She lost many friends because of this. She seems to think she knows what is best for everyone and has no problem telling them. She seems to be totally unaware that this is not appropriate. It is as if when she disagrees with something, everything the. Is the other person's fault. Her Dad sat by and listened to her without attempting to teach anything about putting yourself in someone else's shoes. I tried to intervene when I could do so gently as whenever she suspected a conflict she would escalate or leave the room. I expressed my concerns to her Dad. He did nothing. I began making myself scarce when the complaining would begin, hoping it was just a phase.
Now today, when she is nearby, but in the house especially, her voice grates on my nerves so severely I almost can't think. I am so sad the girl I used to know is gone and has become someone who deep down is not very nice. She will do charitable things from time to time, but only for people and causes that appeal to her sense of justice in the world. It is so sad to me.
She has many great qualities and at first, these great qualities are what people notice, until such time one falls out of her favor. There also seem to be characteristics, at the very least, of of a personality disorder. I am too close to the situation for sure to know which one it is. When OSD was this age, I began feeling closer to her and admiring the woman she was becoming even despite the fact that I didn't always agree with her Dad's parenting decisions (or lack thereof).
I am ItAlmostWorked because without this intense, hating(?) aspect of her personality, we had become a family. She alone is so divisive, I feel the need to run for cover. She has expressed to her Dad that we should realize what a good person she is. She seems to truly have no idea how hurtful she has been to a couple of us (not saying who to try to preserve some confidentiality), no idea at all. Because of this lack of insight, I don't think there is any way to repair our relationship. If her Dad was on board to impose appropriate boundaries there may be a chance but without his ability to work on this, I do not hold out any hope for improvement.
I am very grateful for this forum.
I am trying to understand how I feel about all this in her absence, when I can think straight. She is not actively doing anything to me when she is here so I wish I could handle her presence better. The main issue for me is that her Dad acts so differently once she arrives. I imagine he is nervous abou what might happen between us. He may as well have another woman while she's here because he becomes emotionally unavailable and overly attached to YSD. So, even though I respect her intellect and her work ethic, I am saddened to aargh the development of her personality and character toward others.
I wish we could edit initial
I wish we could edit initial posts in the forum. It is hard to see my spelling errors on my phone until the post loads. I think (hope) my meaning will still be understood despite the errors.
Thank you for your post IAW
Thank you for your post IAW .... Some of your points rung true with me, and I expect a lot of other SMs out there.....
I, too, remember a child who wasn't that bad, in the beginning, such the usual STEP story begins for thousands of us. I watched her grow, watched the changes, mentally and physically, and suffered through what looking back on, I can see was like over six years of problems. Apart from a useless BM and a DH who did not want to rock the boat AT ALL and to this day doesn't like to, he is just happy to be given whatever attention the skids deem is neccessary to keep him ticking over, and of course, they believe is enough to still get to DH ATM.....
Sd21 was and is academically very clever, though I am amazed that this seems to BLIND all people and BM and DH to thinking that because of this AND only this she is a well adjusted functioning on all social, normal cylinders, human being. A few years ago, after a particular awful long period of appalling behaviour from her, I was the ONLY one pushing for her to get psychiatric help, NO ONE else thought she needed even an evaluation, or if they did, they did NOTHING to get this orgnised. DH had plenty of proof about her behaviour, both verbal from her and from people she was treating so VERY badly , to actual written proof in her own hand, but NOTHING was done about it. As you can imagine, THIS is when I began disengagement, didn't call it that at the time as I didn't have a name for what I was feeling and doing, apart from the natural reaction to either fight or flee ( not physically in my case, but emotionally from her )
Apparently, if you listen to my DH, sd21 is going to be going through a phase for the REST of her life or still YOUNG for her age ( read that as an excuse for still bad behaviour, no job, or responsibilities ) when she's going to be 30 !!!
i feel the same way. i don't
i feel the same way. i don't give one rip about sd anymore. i used to care a little bit, but she successfully wiped out any concern i ever had. i don't wish anything on her, good or bad. i just don't care. like nw3, i don't think i would even feel anything if she died. that doesn't mean i'm wishing death on her, just that it would be like reading a stranger's obit. no emotion. whatever happens, good, bad or indifferent, happens. i stopped caring a while ago.
I'd like to care about YSD
I'd like to care about YSD but all I can care about now is my own sanity. What I am struggling with is that she still lives with us part time, still has a bedroom here when not in college or at her summer job out of state. When she is home DH acts differently and just being around her results in extreme anxiety for me despite my best efforts not to react. It feels like a poisonous energy in my home even though I think I may still have some work to do on this myself.
I am working on trying to change my reaction to the times she is living in my home. If I cannot do so, divorce is a certainty.
I am sorry it is so
I am sorry it is so stressful, IAW. I know the sinking feeling... the physical sensation stress causes. Have you guys tried therapy?
I do not mourn a " lost "
I do not mourn a " lost " relationship with sd21, because I did realise a long time go that she is a toxic personality to be around, and I do not allow such behaviour around me anymore. DH , I think, still thinks it can be saved, and well, that's his opinion and choice. Our marriage will remain between the TWO of us, unless HE choses actions which will cause problems between us.
Another thing is deshrine the ADULT skids room, IAW, I will not EVER tolerate shrines to these adults in my house again. If you really do not need to reclaim the room, for like a home gym, home office, hobby room, etc, at least get it repainted AND neutral in your choice of colours. Put away skid stuff into storage, my sd21 was always leaving stuff behind, remarking her territory! This may seem petty but these Adults still seem to think they ARE in charge in our homes, crazy, eh ?? Plus, if you are looking for coping mechanisms, every little bit helps !!!
I'm wondering why you're so
I'm wondering why you're so fixated on the girl? I understand your sadness that she's naive about her own personality and the difficulties it may bring her. Is it actually causing problems?
I remember my eldest SD started swearing like a sailor in college and continued into the work place. I think think this was her way of competing in a mostly male environment. I knew this was going to cost her. I told her once that some people would find this disgusting, would not say anything but she would be let go and never be told the real reason. Indeed after 10 years of being "laid off" "reduced in force" and other such job firings I think she caught on.
But I never repeated my admonishment. I figure I have the right to give unasked for advise once then I shut up. Bio or step makes no difference once their adults. Frankly they're more likely to listen knowing if they don't the end of the pier may be right behind them just like I'm saying.
By a simple mind reset (reboot in todays age)you can come to realize that your job is done. You did your best, had some successes and some failures, and now she's on her own for better or worse. Its in you and in you dwells the answer.
I am fixated on her because
I am fixated on her because she still lives here and hates me. That wouldn't bother you, OCC?
Re-read my last paragraph.
Re-read my last paragraph. If you can't do that see a family counselor and specifically ask s/he to help you to accomplish it.
I SO relate to all this. SD14
I SO relate to all this. SD14 (soon to be 15, going on 35) is simply a toxic personality...as controlling and manipulative as her awesome mother (that's what she calls her BM). I can't stand to be around the little twit. Chaos surrounds her like a cloud of acid and she brings that shit into our home whenever she is there. About 2 months ago I began to actually have physical issues prior to each of her visitations with us. I'm still struggling to mend from these issues, have been on drugs prescribed by my doctor, and it will be a while before I'm fully recovered. All because of the stress of having to deal with her and her bullshit.
When I say I'm disengaging, it's truly because it's what's best for me. I no longer care about trying to have any kind of relationship with her....I used to care, but I don't anymore.
And, sadly, that's exactly what her mother wants. BM's endgame is to ensure that SD has no relationship with DH, and blames me for that.
Ain't gonna be the scapegoat any longer. Find another target, this one is no longer participating.
You are so right about the
You are so right about the endgame. Sad isn't it.
SA, I was not legally
SA, I was not legally responsible to raise her, but I've known her since she was 10 and she has lived with me full time since she was 12. DH has always had full custody since the day I met him. Mr. Mom, as they used to say when it was rare for Dads to have full custody.
I don't completely understand your response-will you explain further? I am sad she has turned into someone who looks for the worst in almost everyone and seems to relish in loudly complaining about the faults of others, taking little responsibility for her part in relationships. It feels like she hates me because of the last few years of passive aggressive comments and talking about me behind my back. When she did this with DH, he should have stopped her. She's done it with others, too.
My problem, and what is my responsibility to fix, is that I am a total anxious wreck when she is home on break. She was here for less than 2 weeks. I was so anxious and DH and I were fighting within days of her arrival. Now that it has been a while since she left, we are getting back to normal.
OCC-you are correct the answer is within me. I'll find it in time.
IAW, not sure if this is an
IAW, not sure if this is an option but is it possible for you to fund her stays somewhere else? Like during school year, can you afford to subsidize her a room in a dorm, apt with roomates, etc.? And during breaks, is it possible to send her off for a stint volunteering for one of those "causes" she feels is worthy? In a nutshell, try and find ways to keep her toxicity out of your house the best way you can until you are completely done with her support through school. And for what it's worth, even bio families have to deal with toxic manipulative personalities in the family. I know it's worse when it's a step but every family has challenges - MIL, FIL, SIL or even your own parents, siblings, etc. At least when it's a skid, you can more easily cut them out and disengage since they are not "yours." So look at it from that perspective - and make yourself scarce whenever she's around. It's a shame she's become a disappointment personality-wise, but there is nothing you can do about that.