Good for you for kicking him out.  I adopted two older children who got hooked on drugs.  As you wrote, they will steal, lie, manipulate others against you and take every ounce of mental energy you have,  They will even lie about you if they think it is to their advantage.  the drugs seem to remove any sense of decency they possess.  Some of my family members and friends even took their side against me - until they fell victim themselves.

The really sad thing for you is that you are married to a Mother who will not give up.  By enabling SS, DW is turning against you.  This is open warfare.  To be able to fight you must strengthen yourself physically, financially and mentally.  Have a special place where you can be alone to re-energize.  Keep coming to Steptalk for emotional replenishment and validation that it simply is NOT you.  Then totally disengage from SS.  Tell DW she is free to visit SS away from your home.  Do not give him one more cent of your money.  Don't bring him up in conversation and if DW brings him up change the subject.  Again - this is NOT you.

For some of us, this has meant that we have to sacrifice our marriages to save our sanity.

My SS is a recovering addict. 5 years clean. But I know about the lying, stealing, manipulation. 

Your DW is doing her son no favors by bailing him out, giving him money, etc. The only way he has a chance is to decide that he wants to live—otherwise his choices are death or prison at some point. I understand your wife’s wanting to help her son, but in fact the right thing to do is NOT help. 

If she won’t go to al-anon or narc-anon meetings, will she talk with an addictions counselor? If not, she is burying her head in the sand and there is not much you can do. 

You must protect yourself—make sure she doesn’t have access to your money or other assets. If you want to stay married to her you must get her son out of your marriage. 

Yes to leaving but not just because of the son. Helloooo you just slip in that your wife hasn’t even had sex with you in 7 years. That’s a huge problem. Counseling for her for sure at the least. 

I wouldn't say you are a fool, but you don't seem to have any deal breakers. Your wife is as addicted to her son as her son is to opioids, that's the definition of codependency.  At some point you have to decide if you are just as addicted to her as she is to him as he is to opioids, because you are certainly showing signs of that.

Maybe a trial separation is in order so you can do some soul-searching.  If you don't want to come last in this dysfunctional mess, you will have to look out for yourself.

Nar Anon literally saved my life.   My older daughter had a serious IV meth problem for 10 years.    It nearly split up my boyfriend and I several times.   He wouldn't go to meetings but I did and as I got healthy, so did my daughter.   If your wife won't get help, it may be a deal breaker.   Why stay if you are miserable?   Life is too short......

Dear Stormsailor,

Up until now you have been prepared to accept, accommodate, financially facilitate and generally go along with anything your wife requires in order to help her son. Of course, she does not see her son as an emotional and financial leech, but as a victim of drug addiction (i.e. not the innocent and loving, normal child he was) which is true. All she wants is for him to ‘get back to normal’ – be her son again. It is very common for people – mothers and fathers – to go into depression over their children’s drug addictions. After all, it’s a type of death – a sad goodbye to the hopes and dreams you held for them. Substance abuse is such a vile thief of hopes and ambition. That said, by what you have described, your wife has lost any coherent vision regarding the health of her marriage or any possible difference she might make to the outcome of her son’s addiction.
There are certain processes that have to be gone through to enable any progress.

1. Your wife needs to acknowledge she can no longer help her son – to stop any support enabling his lifestyle.

2. The son to get to a point of realisation and be prepared to change or succumb to lifelong addiction and probable early death.

If one and two show no sign of happening, you really need to consider your future.
Accepted, you love your wife, but the very fact you are here indicates how deeply unhappy you are.

It’s time for you to take stock.
You already know the answers.

You know you’re not an idiot.

You’re just frightened of change, of confrontation and of continuing as you are.

There’s a great saying that is the truest I’ve ever heard…
‘if you keep doing the same thing, over and over,

why do you expect a different outcome?’

Have you asked her directly if she wants to be married to you?

The lack of sex on its own doesn't mean much, but she's sending you negative messages on several fronts: not wanting to get counseling, saying she "appreciates" your love rather than, "I love you too." If she wanted to end it, is she the sort of person who would come right out and tell you or would she just let your marriage die on the vine?

I think after all you've tried, I'd be direct. Ask the question. 

I've watched my mother go through the same heartache due to my brothers addictions and illegal activities.  She has let his behavior run/ruin her own life, it's really sad to watch.  As a parent I understand how heartwrenching it is to have a child with issues but also know that they get to make their own decisions and my own life has to go on for myself and others that depend on me.  

It sounds like you have been kind and supportive.  I am not offering any advice, only understanding and respect.  

I have to say that I agree with the poster that suggested a trial separation. 

You have allowed yourself to be a doormat for so long, that is what is expected of you now. A break to work on you and  a chance to realize that you have a voice and are valuable for more than your financial contributions might be just what you need.

I have had several different addicts in my family. My ex BIL and a cousin that I was very close to were the hardest. It doesn't matter what kind of family you come from, addiction happens. Having to watch the people you love hit rock bottom and praying that they don't die in the process is soul crushing. But if your wife doesn't do that... your SS will never come out of this. 

No, you are not an idiot. But neither are you without issues.

Yes, it is time to go.  No discussion, just secure your assets and move on.  Let your STBXW go down the crapper supporting her toxic waste of skin addict spawn.

Take care of you.