Options to avoid dealing with Stepkid staying with us next holiday
BACKGROUND: His son ALWAYS stays with us, never at his mom's. His son is a super slob, like The Odd Couple Walter Matthau kind of slob, those of you old enough to know what I am speaking of.*bad* The bedroom he stays in, and the guest bathroom he uses are literally destroyed and look like a homeless person is using them, with things on the floor and all over. I feel like fumigating these spaces after he leaves. The other problem is, I don't recognize DH when his son is here. DH acts milquetoasty, and let him get away with crappy behavior, let him strew his mess all over the house, coming and going as he please without giving us any warning so we have no privacy and can't even get amorous because we don't know when he might walk through the door. Stepson makes a 6 figure salary (Good for him!), but still treats his dad like an ATM machine. Stepson guiltlessly eats our foods, never buys anything for us, not even for his dad. I couldn't make plans to do special things with DH as he centers our holiday schedule around what his visiting son wants to do, and everything is always up in the air, because stepson doesn't know what he wants to do until the last minute. Drives me crazy.
I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has issues with stepson's presence. DH sheepishly admitted to me a couple of days ago after I confronted him because he was being snappy with me, that having stepson around was making life stressful and unpredictable. So it's not just me, haha.
But I don't say anything anymore, I don't voice any complaint. I have given up criticizing stepson because parents can have a blind spot when it comes to their children. But looking ahead and moving forward, I am giving myself 3 options next time DH tells me that his son is coming over to stay with us.
1) I will ask DH innocently, why doesn't he stay with his mom for a change? I really wanted to have a relaxing holiday. I am sure his mom would be happy to have him stay with her once in a while. If DH gives me some BS regarding this, then see option #3.
2) I would text stepson innocently, your dad told me you're coming over! That's nice! Why don't you stay with your mom for a change? I am sure she would be happy to have you. Thus putting the burden on him to tell me why he doesn't want to stay with his mom.
3) I don't say anything and just book a retreat getaway for myself, to refresh and rejuvenate. I would tell DH sweetly, I am doing it so you and stepson can have quality daddy and son time without me in the middle. :-) It's going to cost his dad a bundle and we are on a budget, but at this point, I don't really care. If he can spoil an adult son making a 6 figure salary, he sure can spoil me, his wife. He can deal with his messy son all by himself.
What do you think of those options? Do you envision others? Thank you for your feedback.
Start renovations in that
Start renovations in that room so he can't stay. Turn it into a woman cave. Eliminate all guest room vibes.
LOL at woman cave!
LOL at woman cave! Unfortunately, I can assure you, it will not matter because he will cover or transform any environment with his mess. He just doesn't care!
Give him a cot, a cheap
Give him a cot, a cheap sleeping gag, a composting toilet in a garden shed in the backyard. Then at least his stench will help fertilize the yard.
Take pics of the trashed home
Take pics of the trashed home caused by the shit SS and keep sending them to daddy and the spawn any time a visit is mentioned. With a single word. NO!
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Unfortunately, daddy will get
Unfortunately, daddy will get the knee jerk reaction to defend his boy. I've been there.
Then keep rubbing daddy's
Then keep rubbing daddy's nose in the stenchy stains on the carpet his shit parenting is creating. Tell him that if he really wants his kid to visit that he will have to make sure his nasty spawn does not bring his stench to YOUR home. While tapping a finger firmly on the pics of the filth his spawn created the last time.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat. Do not take the baited pouting or butt hurt angry words about forgivenes, he is young, he did that a year ago, whasssssss, etc, etc......
Or, book a holiday adults only cruise for the holiday. For just the two of you.
You're hilarious!
You're hilarious!
Daddy pays for a housekeeper
Daddy pays for a housekeeper while SS is there. Next time, book yourself a retreat & a deep cleaning before you return. suggestting he stay at mommy's is asking for trouble.
How about insisting that if
How about insisting that if the kid is coming to viisit then the kid will pay for the housekeeper while he's there. That might motivate him to go and stay with his mother off his own bat.
It is not easy for me to have
It is not easy for me to have these kinds of conversation where I would ask the kid pays for a housekeeper while he is there. I really would prefer to just disengage and go away to do self care while I let DH deal with the mess the way he sees fit. I hope DH on his own finally puts his foot down.
Stop trying to be diplomatic,
Stop trying to be diplomatic, you're just making it easier for your husband to ignore your issues. Be blunt. Be direct.
"DH, we've been hosting your son for X years now, this year he goes to his mother's. No ifs and or buts."
And mean it.
I am weary of putting my foot
I am weary of putting my foot down in this way, since DH and I get along so well outside of his kid's issue. But I will give this some serious thoughts.
OP, did your SS ever live in
OP, did your SS ever live in the home where you now live? How long has he been out on his own? How about your husband goes and spends next holidays with his son instead of him coming to you?
How long does he usually stay
How long does he usually stay for?
SS has never lived there, as
SS has never lived there, as this is the home DH bought after his ex filed for divorce. SS was in college at the time and has only spent occasional time there; however after graduation, he stayed with us for 5 months... I thought I was going to go mad.
Ok, so he's a GUEST, he doesn
Ok, so he's a GUEST, he doesn't hold any nostalgic memories of your home. Good. Maybe remind your husband that fish and guests stinks after 3days. That's when he should transfer to his mother's.
LOL! I can't talk to DH like
LOL! I can't talk to DH like that. I am a softie. *blush*
Get a house cleaning service
To clean up after the kid. Tell DH. He's taking you to X for a week for adult time. I.e. without SS. and he will take you for adult weekends 4 times a year. Even if it's only a nice hotel for the weekend
ICKY POO POO
He sounds like Feral Forger SD24, when she was a teen. Gross.
Love the others suggestions. Plan that week long getaway. Hire that service. Charge to DH, after firmly telling him why.
I like #3. Suggesting mom's
I like #3. Suggesting mom's house will get you nowhere. She probably has standards, so SS doesn't want to stay there. I would let DH know that you're leaving both to give him bonding time with SS AND because you can't deal with the stress, mess and chaos when SS is there. Also let DH know he'll need to hire a cleaning service to remove the SS mess before you return. I think all of that (and having to deal with SS on his own) might give DH some clarity.
I love your suggestion that
I love your suggestion that in addition to telling them I am leaving to give them bonding time, I also can't deal with the stress, mess and chaos when SS is here. That's exactly what I will do! Then he can ponder if he wants to lose his wife every holiday when his son comes to stay over.
I agree with everyone else.
I agree with everyone else. #3 and hire someone to clean before you return. I'm sure your dh will say he'll clean up after the visit but we all know how that will go.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your answers and suggestions.
This is my second time around being in a blended marriage, and with DH's kids being adults and grown, I thought it would be easier this time around... Ha!
I guess I am a bit conflict averse because I really can't bring myself to have harsh words with DH about his son, I love DH and I prefer to make my points by taking actions that soothe me and give him options to grow. Therefore I am going with ndc's suggestion that I tell him I will be going on a retreat/resort to give them bonding time, and also because I can't deal with the stress, mess and chaos when SS is here. That leaves DH with the option of fixing the situation or losing his wife every holiday when his son comes over. I think that is the most elegant way for me of dealing with this issue, without sounding bitter, bossy or overbearing. I so hate the stepmother trope. Again, thank you all!
I will definitely update this thread after the next SS coming over situation...
No need for a discussion to
No need for a discussion to be harsh. But one certainly needs to happen where you give your DH clarity on his failure to effectively deal with his failed family baggage.
Take care of you.