No DH has not spoken with OSD directly at all, as she would not take any of this calls or respond to his text messages, however yes she has probably known for at least a week, since DH did make it clear to FIL, and YSD - who tried really hard to change his mind about it

Perhaps it's YSD you're thinking of, as yes that conversation was a week or two ago

DH most definitely needs to be honest about why but he won't, he would rather come up with an excuse every time, then deal with this situation directly

And regarding YSGS, OSD was already 'pouting' about other issues - long post - but I'm sure the news that DH & I also were not staying for the family dinner she was holding went over like a lead balloon....so, her way of dealing with it is to just ignore all DH's requests to have OSGS for the weekend, which DH did make clear was also because FIL wanted to see him

It's simply OSD's way of exerting her "control" over DH; ignore all his calls, pretend he doesn't exist, refuse to call him back to discuss the dinner, refuse to allow him to see OSGS

The Christening is weekend after next, I'm sure it's going to be interesting.

And YSD will be here for it all, and I suspect she is in on all the nonsense too!

Well that's pretty much what we did stepmomfromhell....no matter how it's put to them, they (especially OSD and SIL) will always throw a fit

It's unbelievable really, they cross the line by inviting BM to one of DH's family events - so they've started/continue "the war" especially when they know DH isn't comfortable with his EX being there/believes they're being disrespectful to him not to mention me his wife when they do this

Then, when we refuse to participate by not attending, they create a bigger war by throwing a fit and ignoring DH & I on the occasions they do see us - not that we care - for my part I prefer it at this point in time!

It's a one-sided war for sure, but nonetheless it's an ongoing situation, and it isn't going to go away until DH stands up and addresses it

Wow jam, how sad for you! That's not right - your DH should have simply spoken the truth, and if it means BM is presented in a bad light, well, it is what it is!

I don't believe in bad-mouthing the ex's either, however, I do believe in honesty!

But if it makes you feel better, one day the truth about your DH's divorce will become apparent to your skids

I say this because I grew up in a situation similar to you skids.

My mother cheated constantly on my dad while they were married, and then one day when she met the man who would become my SF, she left my Dad and with all of us. During and after the divorce (to this very day) she did nothing but PAS us against our father, interfere in our relationship with him, convince most of us that it was our father's doing and not hers

Meanwhile, our Dad was deeply depressed about his wife and children leaving him. Tried desperately to see us as often as he could. Always asked about our Mom when he saw us, never once bad-mouthed her.

Well, we grew up. And some of us - more and more of us these days - said just wait a minute. Dad isn't the one who cheated. Dad didn't interfere with our relationship with Mom. Dad didn't lie about stuff. Dad didn't bad-mouth Mom. It was Mom. She did all that

Mostly I just feel really bad for my Dad now and what he went through, and guilty that I wasn't there for him more

Maybe one day your skids will have the same realization!

And as far as my OSD, yes, you're correct that she's punishing DH by not allowing her to do whatever it is she wishes, and that is to play all sorts of manipulative games by insuring BM is rammed down our throats, even at DH's family events which BM has no business being at any longer

We calmly don't react to it all and refuse to participate, let her throw her fits, and hope that one day she will grow up and see her behavior for what it truly is - wrong!

She's either trying to stir the pot, or confused, but either way I simply don't understand her thinking at all

The point is, SD and SIL are deliberately inviting BM - against DH's wishes - to create drama. Using BM to make DH & I feel uncomfortable, ignoring us at DH's own family get togethers, it goes on and on but the treatment of DH & I is disgusting at these events to say the least.

Even without BM there, not sure why we should attend anymore. Just an excuse to 'pay us back' for all their perceived wrongs that we've committed....in other words, all the things they are seething with jealousy over and looking for revenge in order to somehow build their own self-esteem. Very sad really. Just two jealous, petty women who want to "win" at all costs....

And too bad if OSD spent time planning (conniving) up this event - no one asked her to. She elected herself host even when it wasn't welcomed, then got angry when we didn't want to get involved :?

The ones who can't maturely handle the situation, are OSD and SIL.

BM I actually feel sorry for. I simply could not continue to participate in family events at my ex inlaws while knowing my EX truly did not want to be around me. The only reason she does this, is she also wants revenge. She can't get past the fact the DH left her. But then again, DH never loved her. She got pregnant young, and DH's parents forced him to marry her. It never worked. DH doesn't love her, never did, and while he feels really bad about what happened (she clearly doesn't feel the least bit sad about entrapping him) he really has no interest in having her at his family events, and his family should grow up and respect that.

Which is why we decline to attend

And then when we do, they throw a major fit

Why all the drama?

Yes, great question there!

Why all the drama?

We chose not to participate in the pot-stirring and that's makes them angry. Hmmmmm, they are the mature ones. Good one!

That's funny Sandye21, DH & I were joking with each other the other day that maybe we should invite OSD's EX to the next family dinner we host, or, even better - SSIL's EX....let's just see how OSD would react to that one!

Of course we wouldn't do that, wouldn't stoop to her level, but we did have some fun joking about it

In all seriousness, it's all very sad, and mostly for BM.

When we are at get together's (where it's appropriate that everyone is there, like sgkids birthday parties etc...) BM does all sorts of things to make a statement to all (me).....makes a point of referring to herself as "Grandma ______ (DH's last name)", to her own embarrassment too as people are usually confused who that is - as was DH & I when she did that , then almost shaking their heads in disgust for the obvious attempts to stick it to me, she hovers around us trying to eavesdrop on everything DH & I say, she tries to barge in on any group of people we might be chatting with, she waits for any second I might leave DH's side so she can join him...and of course SD's and SIL jump right in forming their happy little family gathering around him

I used to feel bad for her and was kind, forgiving, and welcomed her to our space and group. We actually got along for a very long time. But in the last few years her, and SIL and SD's have cranked up the nonsense, and now DH & I just avoid her/it, and keep our distance

Enough is enough. Time for everyone to grow up, get over it, and show some class

Thanks Sandye, that's exactly what I plan to do. And your advice, not just on this post but in general, is always excellent! You're a wise lady!

Second to Everyone, wow, very well said! Couldn't haven't worded it better myself! That is exactly what I wanted to say !

Curious is also basing her "opinions" with next to no knowledge on the whole situation. And that just simply isn't right

FIL is not okay with BM being there, most definitely not in place of his own son, DH, which is FIL's most favorite person on this planet.

And FIL also definitely seems to prefer me to BM.

FIL gets to have his family birthday dinner without the people he would like to be there, because SIL, OSD and BM insist on using these occasions to stick it to DH & I

That is all this is about.

Nothing at all to do with "having made peace with BM" they're petty and jealous and think they're somehow paying us back for they're own insecurities

And BM has never gotten over DH leaving her, uses every opportunity to be in his presence, even when she knows he would rather than be anywhere but in the same space as her, even when these events end up being a pathetic embarrassment to her as everyone can see her desperation and really just feel sorry for her, and again, embarrassed for her

It's okay to have opinions Curious, but when you start posting things and making statements as if they're true, when in fact they are the farthest thing from reality, that's when you lose all credibility, and yes, I start to question what your true motives are in responding at all

So my advice to you, especially if you are in fact a therapist, is to get ALL your facts straight, before you dare to give any advice - any practicing therapist should know this. Anyone would know this in fact, its called plain old common sense?

Again Curious , the problem with your statements are that they're misleading. Insinuating that DH has the post-divorce anger when it has been made abundantly clear that the anger is with BM, like a crazied obsessed physco insists on attending her ex's family get togethers, when her ex wants nothing to do with her

And he wants nothing to do with her based 100% on the nonsense that she pulls at each and every family get together

You go on and on about how they should just be able to get along - yes we agree - but she can't do that

Forcing Dh, not to mention me, to put up with her drama, and need to make a statement to everyone at these get togethers. The manipulative games that she, OSD and SIL pull

Are you really suggesting that DH, and myself, should be forced to tolerate these things?

I'm curious as to why you repeatedly ignore the facts you're given when it comes to the motives of BM, SIL, and OSD and yet continue to insist that DH is somehow in the wrong?

It's been mentioned to you numerous times now that their motives are NOT good, they do not desire that everyone gets along. They revel in trying to torture those they're jealous of. They want to cause upset, drama, and humiliate those they seek revenge against

Why is it you simply disregard this information, and continue to insist that DH should just accept that his ex will be at his family events, and that he should be forced to tolerate their bullying abuse? That I should have to tolerate it?

What sort of a therapist would disregard all the facts, create misleading information, just to make a point that does not even remotely apply to this situation?

Thanks for all your support ladies, I know you get it. I agree we should just ignore the one poster who seems to refuse to acknowledge any point but her own. I was willing to hear her out, until she inserted some made-up statements about DH having anger issues, and that totally did it for me - as if she actually knosw anything at all about my DH :? almost made me laugh when she started about DH's "post-divorce anger issues" and needing counseling.

Seriously?

Come on! To insert this lie, just to prove your point, when it has been said over and over and over that DH is in fact avoiding the very people who DO have anger issues about the divorce - well that make for a very poor therapist IMO!

We will stick to plain old common sense, avoid the people with evil motives, and continue to not attend any of DH's family events where BM is present

As for the events where it is reasonable they're both there, we will do as we've always done: be polite, decent human beings and civil to all. At the same time avoiding anything more than that when it comes to BM, SIL, and OSD, which means steering as far clear from them at these events as we possibly can

It's a shame they can't do the same thing!

They must spend hours and hours planning/conniving all the little tactics they'll use to try and humiliate DH & I, make us feel uncomfortable, unimportant and unwelcome. Fortunately for us, it usually does back-fire. Most reasonably intelligent people with a bit of wisdom can see through that sort of nonsense at these events....DH & I tend to gravitate to the 'normal' ones out there, and go out of our way to have the most enjoyable time we can.

We're at the Christening for SGD, therefore we will go to it and and do our best to honour her at this important event. We do that by dressing appropriately for the occasion, buying the gift/card we think best expresses our best wishes for her. Unlike BM and her SO who will literally run to the front row to make sure BM has a seat upfront as the grandparent, DH & I will sit several rows back...SSIL's parents will probably join us at the back as they did last year for SGS Christenings, even though they are in fact the grandparents as well. We will smile and be polite of course to everyone, greet YSD warmly as this will be the one occasion she'll actually grace us with her presence this visit

And then we'll go back to the OSD's house with all the guests including family and friends, where BM, SIL, and SD's will gather and loudly laugh and carry on, completely ignoring DH & I - until of course BM realizes DH & I are having a nice time on our own chatting with the other guests, then she will start hovering around us, listening to everything we say, inserting herself in any group we're chatting with. Normally I wouldn't so much as be able to go to the washroom LOL, as she'll jump at the chance to join DH, and then SIL and SD's will gather around him and everyone will try to talk about all the happy times they all had when BM and DH were together still....and during all of this DH & I will continue to not participate, side-step all the nonsense, which of course drives them nuts because they can't get a reaction from us, or in fact any attention at all from us

And then when all the guests leave, and only "family" which will include BM is left, they will hold the birthday dinner for FIL, at which time DH & I will have politely said good-bye, thanks for inviting us, and we'll be on our way

End of drama